How to Talk to Anyone

3 Books in 1: How to Talk to Anyone,

Effective Communication, Conversation

Skills. Essential Guide to Interpersonal

and Nonviolent Communication.

Assertiveness Training.

James J. Downes

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How to Talk to Anyone

Table of Contents

Introduction
Chapter 1 - Social Skills, Assertiveness, and Related Concepts
Social Skills
Assertiveness
Characteristics of Assertive People
Positive Consequences of Assertiveness and its Importance
Chapter 2 - Non-Assertive: Inhibition and Aggressiveness
Inhibition Behaviors
Internal and External Inhibition
Aggressiveness
Problems Arising From Aggression
Inhibition And Aggressiveness When Facing Conflicts
Chapter 3 - How We Learn Non-Assertive Behaviors
Excessive Adaptation To What Others Expect Of Us
Prizes And Punishments
Observation Of Other People's Behavior (Models)
Cultural Norms And Irrational Beliefs
Social Skills, Assertiveness, and Perception of the Interpersonal
Situation
Objectives and Personal Purposes
Chapter 4 - Social Rules and Social Roles
Assertiveness and Social Adequacy
Chapter 5 - Concepts Related To Social Skills And Assertiveness
Self-Esteem
Self-Esteem and Approval Of Others
Emotional Intelligence
Intrapersonal Emotional Intelligence

Interpersonal Emotional Intelligence
Empathy
Beliefs and Thoughts – What Hinders and What Facilitates
The Right To Choose Whether Or Not We Are Responsible For The
Problems Of Others
The Right To Choose If We Take Care Of Other People's Problems
The Right To Choose Whether Or Not We Want To Give Explanations
The Right To Change Your Mind
The Right To Make Mistakes
The Right To Say “I Don't Know”
The Right Of Not Needing The Approval Of Others
The Right To Make Decisions Outside Of Logic
The Right Not To Understand The Expectations Of Others
The Right Of Not Trying To Achieve Perfection
Detect And Change Thoughts
Detect And Change Irrational Beliefs
Ellis ABC Scheme
Make Self-Records Of Thoughts
Self-Instructions
Framing
Testing The Validity Of Your Beliefs And Acting Against Your
Irrational Ideas
Chapter 6 - Interpersonal Communication and Nonverbal
Communication
Interpersonal Communication
Difficulties Of Interpersonal Communication
Difficulties Related To The Characteristics Of Our Perception
Difficulties In Issuing Messages
Difficulties In The Perception And Interpretation Of The Messages

Effective Communication
Your “Maps” Of Reality
Communication Components
Characteristics of Non-Verbal Communication
Importance Of Non-Verbal Communication
Components Of Non-Verbal Language
Personal Appearance And Physical Attractiveness
Non-Verbal Components Of Speech
Gestural Tuning
Chapter 7 - Conversations and Effective Communication
Conversations and Communication
Non-Assertive Attitudes When Initiating, Maintaining Or Closing
Conversations
Start Conversations
How To Get Into An Already Started Conversation
Hold Conversations
Ending Conversations
Assertive Ways To End Conversations
What To Do If Your Interlocutor Refuses To End The Conversation
Skills To Talk And Communicate Effectively
Ask Appropriate Questions
Use The Information That Others Provide Us
Let Us Know (Self-Revelations)
Levels Of Communication
Active Listening And Reformulation
Accept Praise Assertively
Agree As Much As Possible (Do Not Argue Or Take The Opposite)
Exercises To Improve Self-Esteem

People, Places, And Activities That Make You Feel Good
Conclusion
Effective Communication
Introduction
Chapter 1: Mental Health and Communication
How to Act on Our Mind and How to Change It for Communication
You Can Change Your Mind
What is Effective Communication?
Developing the Skills of Effective Communication
Barriers to Effective Communication
How to Develop Effective Communication: Techniques and Secrets
Chapter 2: Examples of Effective Communication
Chapter 3: The Role of Empathy in Communication
What Is Empathy?
Empathy in Communication
Learn How to Be Empathetic
Using Empathy in Conversations
Example of an Empathetic Conversation
Chapter 4: The Art of Persuasion
The Basics of Persuasion
Learn How to Persuade People
Tips and Tricks to be Persuasive
Practical Examples of Persuasion
Chapter 5: How to Communicate in the Workplace
How to Resolve Conflicts
How to Become Charismatic
How to Communicate Successfully

How to Talk to Your Bosses
Mistakes to Avoid
The Do’s
Chapter 6: How to Communicate Effectively For Couples
Improve Your Ability to Listen
Frequent Mistakes in the Communication of Couples
Chapter 7: How to Communicate Effectively With Friends
Control your Emotions
Be Able to Say Anything
Know How to Listen to Them
Avoid Errors in Communication
Tricks and Techniques to Have Good Friendships
Chapter 8: Non-Violent Communication
Conclusion
Conversation Skills
Introduction
CHAPTER 1: How to Deal with Shyness, Anxiety, and Insecurity
How Shyness, Anxiety, and Insecurity Affect Communication.
Causes of Shyness, Anxiety, and Insecurity
Indications of Shyness, Anxiety, and Insecurity
How to Overcome Shyness, Anxiety, and Insecurity
How to Overcome Shyness
How to Overcome Anxiety
How to Overcome Insecurity
Consequences of Anxiety, Insecurity, and Shyness
CHAPTER 2: How Not to Avoid People and the Fear Overcome of
Talking to Them

Is Avoiding People Healthy?
How to Not Avoid People
How to Overcome Fear of Talking to People
Consequences of Being Afraid of Talking to Others
CHAPTER 3: Developing Your Skills, Getting a Basic Feel for
Conversation and Core Listening Skills
Developing One’s Communication Skills
How to Improve Listening Skills in Communication
Characters of a Good Listener
Core Listening Skills
How Does Someone Improve Their Listening Skills?
Verbal and Non-Verbal Communication Skills
The Pros of Verbal Communication
The Cons of Verbal Communication
Writing Skills in Communication
The Pros of Written Communication
Disadvantages of Written Communication
How to Improve Written Communication
How Does Someone Improve Their Verbal and Non-Verbal Skills?
What Is the Basic Feel for a Conversation?
CHAPTER 4: Recognizing and Acting on Other People’s Nonverbal
Communication and Improving Your Own Nonverbal Communication
Examples of Nonverbal Cues in Communication
Chapter 5: The Meaning, Rules, and Mistakes When Making a
Conversation
Conversations Mistakes
Starting One-On-One Conversations
Having Deeper Conversations

Ending Conversations
Real Examples of Conversations
Examples in a Real Situation
Chapter  6: How to know a Good Friend and Maintaining the
Friendship
Introducing the Process of Making Friends
Finding the Potential Friends
Always Remember People’s Names
Deepening New Friendships
CHAPTER 7: Using the Power Words to Increase Your Magnetism,
Tactics to Increase Your Charisma and Transform into a Social Magnet
Charisma
Presence
Power
Warmth
Disciplined
Convey the Right Message
Be Aware of Feelings
CHAPTER 8: Improve to Negotiate, How to Negotiate, Characteristics,
Problems, Tactics and Suggestions, and Solutions
Preparation
Clarity
Discussion
Negotiate toward a Win-Winn Situation
Implementing a Course of Action
Patience
Active Listening
Emotional Control

Agreement
Ethics and Reliability
CHAPTER 9: Crucial Conversation
Characteristics of Critical Conversations
Reasons Why Crucial Conversations Tend to Fail
Importance of Critical Conversation
CHAPTER 10: The Power of Dialogue
Governing Principles of a Dialogue
Advantages of Dialoguing
Characteristics of Good Dialogue Participants
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Introduction
 
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We can define social skills as a set of habits which are present in – not only

our behaviors but also in our thoughts and emotions - that allows us to

communicate with others effectively, maintain satisfactory interpersonal

relationships, feel good, and get what we want or need.

The learning or development of social skills is a topic of great interest to

almost all of us since most of our problems and satisfactions have to do

with our interpersonal relationships. Therefore, any improvement in this

important skill will mean an increase in our well-being and quality of life.

Starting from that assumption, for a decade we have been working,

individually and in groups, with people who need or want to improve their

social skills. We have carried out a part of that work as psychotherapists

with patients who presented deficits in social skills associated with anxiety,

depression or personality disorders.

We have also worked in other areas, outside of Mental Health, with people

who wanted to improve their ability to interact effectively with others in

different contexts. This book systematizes the concepts and techniques that

are commonly used in the learning of social skills - mainly those that are

backed by scientific research - to have a guide that allows:

That anyone who wishes to improve their social skills can use it as self-help

or guided self-help manual, with minimum support from the therapist or

expert.

That the candidates who want to be a part of a social skills training group

can acquire the necessary information to adapt to the functioning of the

group, even if they join it at different times.

That any professional who wishes to coordinate a social skills training

group can follow the recommended guidelines to direct it and use the

different chapters of the book to prepare each session.

To achieve these objectives, the book offers a summary of the contributions

of the most relevant authors in the field of social skills, complemented by

ideas, techniques, and exercises that we have found useful for improving

social skills in our daily practice.

This book:

Describes what we understand by social skills and assertiveness, also

explaining other related concepts such as self-esteem, emotional

intelligence, and empathy.

Focuses on the important role of our beliefs and thoughts, describing those

that hinder or favor social skills and assertiveness.

Reviews some characteristics of interpersonal communication, focusing on

the importance of nonverbal communication.

Explains different aspects of social skills such as: holding conversations,

making and rejecting requests, resolving conflicts, asking for changes in

behavior, responding to criticism, facing the irrational behavior of other

people and properly managing anger.

All chapters contain numerous examples and exercises to practice and

improve the different skills set out in them.

One last thing…

We would love to hear your feedback about this book!

If you enjoyed this book or found it useful, we would be very grateful if

you posted a short review on Amazon. Your support does make a difference

and we read every review personally.

If you would like to leave a review, all you need to do is click the review

link on this book’s page on Amazon here (*Write a Review*).

Thank you for your support!

Chapter 1 - Social Skills,

Assertiveness, and Related

Concepts

Social Skills

Social skills (hereinafter, HH SS) are a series of behaviors — and also

thoughts and emotions — that increase our chances of maintaining

satisfactory interpersonal relationships and of ensuring that others do not

prevent us from achieving our goals.

We can also define them as the ability to interact with other people in such a

way that we get a maximum of benefits and a minimum of negative

consequences, both in the short and long term. HH SS are paramount in our

lives since:

Relationships with other people are our main source of well-being; but they

can also become the biggest cause of stress and discomfort, especially when

we have HH SS deficits.

Maintaining satisfactory interpersonal relationships facilitates self-esteem.

The lack of HH SS leads us to often feel negative emotions, such as

frustration or anger, and to feel rejected, undervalued or neglected by

others. People with few HH SS are more likely to suffer from psychological

disorders such as anxiety or depression, as well as certain psychosomatic

diseases.

Being socially skilled helps to increase our quality of life, to the extent that

it helps us feel good and get what we want. Satisfactory interpersonal

relationships are our main source of wellbeing. HH SS include components

as diverse as verbal and nonverbal communication; making or rejecting

requests; the resolution of interpersonal conflicts, or the positive response to

criticism. In addition, the skills required vary according to the situations we

are in, the people with whom we interact or the objectives that we intend to

achieve in each interaction.

Behavioral psychology has addressed the study of HH SS considering three

dimensions: 1) externally observable motor behavior; 2) the physiological-

emotional and, 3) the cognitive aspects, that is, the beliefs, thoughts and

mental images.

Observable behaviors - looks, facial expressions, gestures, form, and

content of verbal communication, etc. - are the most obvious components of

HH SS and also those that have been most investigated.

The physiological components of the HH SS are the physiochemical

changes related to them; for example, hyperactivation of the sympathetic

nervous system that occurs when we experience anxiety.

In recent years, more and more importance is being given to the cognitive

components of HH SS; progressively recognizing the determining role of

our thoughts (of our way of perceiving and evaluating reality).

Assertiveness

Assertiveness is a primary component of HH SS. We can define it as an

attitude of self-affirmation and defense of our personal rights, which

includes the expression of our feelings, preferences, needs, and opinions, in

an appropriate way; respecting, at the same time, those of others.

The aim of assertiveness is not to achieve what one wants at any cost or,

even less, control or manipulate others. What it intends is to help us to be

ourselves, to develop our self-esteem and to improve interpersonal

communication, making it more direct and honest.

Galassi considers that assertiveness includes three main areas:

Self-affirmation, which consists of defending our legitimate rights, making

requests and expressing personal opinions.

The expression of positive feelings, such as making or receiving praise and

expressing pleasure or affection.

The expression of negative feelings, which includes expressing

disagreement or dislike, properly, when it is justified to do so.

Characteristics of Assertive People

The assertive person presents a series of thoughts, emotions and typical

behaviors that we can summarize as follows:

He knows himself and is usually aware of what he feels and what he wants

at each moment.

It is accepted unconditionally, without it depending on your achievements

or the acceptance of others. Therefore, when he wins or loses, when he

obtains success or when he does not achieve his goals, he always retains his

own respect and dignity.

He knows how to understand and properly manage their feelings and those

of the rest. Therefore, he does not experience more anxiety than is

appropriate in his interpersonal relationships and is able to face conflicts,

failures or successes serenely.

He doesn't demand the things he wants, but he doesn't fool himself thinking

he doesn't care.

He accepts their limitations of any kind but, at the same time, fights with all

his might to realize his possibilities.

He stays true to himself in any circumstance and feels responsible for his

life and his emotions. Therefore, he maintains an active attitude, striving to

achieve its objectives.

As he tends to know and accept himself and express what he thinks, wants

and feels, he usually gives an image of a congruent and authentic person.

He respects and values himself and others. Thus, he is able to express and

defend his rights, while respecting the rights of others.

You can communicate with people of all levels: friends, family and

strangers, and this communication tend to be open, direct, frank and

adequate. Choose, if possible, the people around you and, kindly but firmly,

determine who your friends are and who are not. He usually expresses his

opinions, desires, and feelings adequately instead of waiting for others to

guess them.

The assertive person tends to maintain positive attitudes towards himself

and others.

Positive Consequences of Assertiveness and its Importance

Assertiveness has very positive consequences, among which the following

stand out:

It facilitates communication and minimizes the possibility that

others misunderstand our messages.

It helps to maintain more satisfying relationships.

It increases the chances of getting what we want.

It increases satisfaction and reduces the inconvenience and conflicts

caused by living together.

It improves self-esteem.

It favors positive emotions, in oneself and in others.

Those who relate to the assertive person obtain clear and non-manipulative

communication, feel respected and perceive that the other feels good with

them. Assertiveness is a topic of growing interest in various areas; for

example, in psychotherapy, education, or labor relations.

The interest that awakens is logical since being able to express our desires

and opinions, defend our rights and take the reins of our own lives are very

desirable issues for anyone. In addition, assertiveness is an important

component of what we understand by mental health, as poorly assertive

individuals experience feelings of isolation, low self-esteem, depression,

fear and anxiety in interpersonal situations. They also often feel rejected or

used by others and often have psychosomatic problems, such as headaches

or digestive disorders.

On the other hand, various investigations show that those who have actively

participated in assertiveness training programs tend to experience:

1. An increase in feelings of self-worth and self-efficacy;

2. More positive attitudes towards those around them;

3. Less anxiety in social situations;

4. Greater ability to communicate and interact effectively with others

and, improvement in their general state of health, or at least in their

perception of it. To better understand what assertiveness is; let's

compare it with two forms - as opposed to each other - of non-

assertive behavior, which is inhibition and aggressiveness.

Chapter 2 - Non-Assertive:

Inhibition and Aggressiveness

Inhibition Behaviors

Inhibition is a form of non-assertive behavior characterized by submission,

passivity, withdrawal and the tendency to adapt excessively to external rules

or the wishes of others, without having enough consideration for your own

interests, feelings, rights, opinions, and wishes.

Inhibited people tend to think, feel and act in counterproductive ways, such

as the following:

They do not adequately express what they feel and want; They expect

others to guess, and they feel bad when they need something, and others

don't respond.

They let themselves be dominated by others because they believe they are

right or because they fear being offended.

They allow others to involve them in situations that are not to their liking.

They tend to shut up or speak in a low and insecure voice, be nervous and

avoid eye contact, thus showing their discomfort when interacting with

other people.

They dare not refuse requests or feel guilty in doing so. They think they

need to be appreciated by everyone and believe that if they stop being

submissive, they will not get the approval of others, without which their

conditional self-esteem collapses.

They do not dare to defend their rights because they do not respect

themselves enough and tend to believe that the rights of others are more

important than theirs.

They feel compelled to give too many explanations of what they do or don't

do.

They are afraid to express their feelings and desires. Sometimes, they are so

used to repressing them that they fail to realize them. They do not face

conflicts.

They do not feel like owners of their feelings, occasionally experiencing

"emotional explosions" that escape their control.

It bothers them to be dependent on other people, but they dare not break

that dependence.

They adapt their behavior excessively to other people's rules and whims and

to what they think others expect of them.

Rodríguez and Serralde consider that the inhibited people are like mutilated

beings because they believe they are insufficient, they believe they have a

thousand reasons for not act and live life according to the rules and whims

of others, without really knowing who they are, what they feel or what they

want.

Among the negative consequences that these people suffer, the following

stand out:

They do not recognize their qualities or potentialities. They believe they are

inferior although, in reality, they are not. They do not fight to achieve

objectives that would be very important for them, because they do not

believe they are capable of achieving them or because they do not fit with

their vision of themselves. This leads them to live a mediocre life, well

below their means.

They tend to have unsatisfactory personal relationships, because they

maintain habits in their way of thinking, feeling and acting that lead them to

be excessively resigned, inhibited, fearful of rejection and intimacy with

others, and unable to defend their rights.

They are victims of their lack of assertiveness but do not realize it. They

justify their passivity and their fear with excuses: "If I reply, my boss will

get mad at me and fire me"; “If I ask my husband to help me with the

housework, he won't do it and he will be mad at me”; “If I try to set limits

on the person who mistreats me, he will be enraged and I will not know

how to react”; “If I start this business, I will not succeed,” etc.

They are not able to express their thoughts, opinions, and desires, or express

them in a defeatist way, with apologies or insecurity. They judge the

expression of some emotions such as distaste, anger or tenderness

impossible and sometimes they are not even allowed to feel them.

They humbly bow to the wishes of others and lock theirs inside, regardless.

Their main objective is to appease others and avoid conflicts. The message

they communicate verbally and nonverbally are: "I don't count"; "You can

take advantage of me"; “My thoughts and feelings are not important, only

yours are.” They have trouble relating, since those around them feel

uncomfortable, do not understand what they want or misunderstand, thus

increasing interpersonal conflicts.

They are easily offended by what others say or do, but they find it difficult

to discriminate when they are exploited or downgraded, which also prevents

them from adequately defending their interests. Their submissive behavior

usually attracts dominant people, accustomed to not respecting others.

Therefore, on many occasions, others treat them badly and lose their

respect.

They usually experience unpleasant emotions such as frustration, blockage,

inhibition, insecurity, dissatisfaction, anxiety, depression, guilt, repressed

anger or resentment. The negative emotions they experience chronically

prevent them from being happy and can favor certain diseases.

Internal and External Inhibition

When talking about inhibition, two levels should be distinguished: that of

the person who is capable of being assertive but does not manifest it

externally, because circumstances so advise, and that of the person unable

to be assertive. The latter is inhibited externally or observably, as well as

internally, that is, in terms of their way of thinking and feeling.

Inhibition at the internal level is always problematic since it involves

distorting reality and not being aware of our assertive rights and our true

feelings, desires, and needs. On the other hand, when it comes to external or

observable behavior, inhibition may be desirable in certain circumstances.

For example, when we interact with an authoritarian or irrational boss and

do not show certain assertive behaviors so as not to create problems or not

to risk losing our job.

But we must be careful that inhibition does not become a pattern of habitual

behavior that leads us to repress or ignore our emotions, needs or

preferences, or express them indirectly and improperly. To do this,

whenever possible, it is convenient to look for environments and people

with whom you can be assertive.

Aggressiveness

Aggressiveness is another form of non-assertive behavior that is the

opposite of inhibition. It consists of not respecting the rights, feelings, and

interests of others and, in its most extreme form, includes behaviors such as

offending, provoking or attacking them.

Aggression is a form of non-assertive behavior of an opposite character to

inhibition. Among the characteristics of aggressive people, we can mention

the following:

They can be self-confident, sincere and direct, but inadequately.

They express their emotions and opinions in a hostile, demanding or

threatening way.

They take any conflict or disagreement as a fight where there is no choice

but to win or lose, and they believe that giving in is equal to losing.

They rely too much on the effectiveness of imposition or violence as

methods of resolving conflicts.

They do not respect the rights and feelings of others sufficiently.

They do not feel responsible for the negative consequences that, in the

medium and long term, their aggressive behavior has for others and for

themselves.

They may feel good when they are hostile, but in the medium or long term,

they get very negative consequences.

They usually justify their aggressiveness in the name of sincerity and

congruence, thinking that their behavior is desirable because they are

sincere; they say what they think, etc.

Aggressive behavior can be physical or, more frequently, verbal. In turn,

verbal aggression may be direct (threats, hostile comments, etc.) or indirect

(e.g., sarcastic comments), and maybe accompanied by aggressive

nonverbal behaviors, such as hostile gestures, high tone of voice, etc.

Aggressive behavior is closely related to anger. Excessive or

counterproductive anger and aggressiveness are usually the results of lack

of assertiveness, that is, of not knowing how to defend our rights

adequately. They can also be maintained by a series of beliefs that favor

them.

Problems Arising From Aggression

As Ellis points out: “You don't have to look hard to find examples of the

destructive power of aggression in human life. Simply turn on the TV or

read the newspaper to realize the constant presence of aggressive behavior

in all kinds of atrocities, large and small. Aggression can have equally

disastrous effects on our own lives. If we don't stop it, it can destroy some

of our most intimate relationships and gradually undermine our physical

and psychic health.”

Among the problems produced by aggression, we can mention the

following:

Emotional disturbances. The attacked person experiences feelings of

frustration and displeasure and, at times, their self-esteem can deteriorate.

The aggressive person also often experiences feelings of tension, lack of

control, anger, hatred, frustration and low self-esteem.

Deterioration or loss of interpersonal relationships. Those who live with

aggressive people tend to hate them, return their aggressions or get away

from them. The relationships that suffer most are the most important:

couple, children, friends or partners.

Labor problems. The workplace usually generates conflicts: But if we deal

with them aggressively, things get much more complicated, interpersonal

relationships deteriorate and performance is impaired. In addition, anyone is

bothered to have a boss, a partner or an aggressive employee and is looking

forward to losing sight of it as soon as possible.

Physical health problems. Aggression and anger can facilitate or worsen

certain disorders (e.g., cardiac and circulatory).

Violence. Aggressive behaviors, in their most extreme form, give rise to

different types of violence, for example, family abuse.

Inhibition And Aggressiveness When Facing Conflicts

In our coexistence with others, frequent conflicts occur. Before them, we

can react in an inhibited, aggressive or assertive way. Inhibited behavior is

also called the “desire to lose” attitude, since the person who maintains it

puts the needs of others before their own. On the contrary, aggressive

behavior corresponds to the so-called “I win you lose” attitude because

whoever issues it only takes into account their own wishes, without

respecting the feelings and interests of others. Both positions are

problematic, at least in the long term.

On the other hand, assertiveness corresponds to a “win” attitude, in which

the person seeks to achieve his goals and defend his interests but, at the

same time, respects and takes into account the interests of others.

The person who does not know how to be assertive tends to be inhibited or

aggressive or, more commonly, oscillates between these two poles. For

example, it is inhibited and "swallows" until it can no longer, and then

"explodes" with aggressive behavior, or represses its anger and adopts

passive-aggressive behaviors.

The passive-aggressive behavior is what bothers or harms the other, but

indirectly and disguised. It is usually a consequence of the lack of ability to

deal with conflicts more effectively.

Passive-aggressive people tend to be inhibited externally, but they have a

lot of resentment and hostility internally. Not knowing how to channel their

feelings assertively and not dare to be aggressive, they use indirect methods

such as irony, sarcasm, etc.

Chapter 3 - How We Learn Non-

Assertive Behaviors

We can consider that the natural thing in a mentally healthy human being is

to be assertive; but that part of that attitude, natural and desirable, is often

lost during the socialization process. Let's look at some of the causes.

Excessive Adaptation To What Others Expect Of Us

In childhood, we are unable to fend for ourselves and need the acceptance

and support of others. This dependence, together with the need to acquire

behavior patterns that allow us to survive and live with others, leads us to

adopt ways of thinking, feeling and acting that instill in us, excessive

expectations of other people.

When time passes, these habits (transmitted by others through education

and socialization) can be so ingrained and widespread that the person ends

up losing all sense of identity. Thus, it can be difficult for us to distinguish

between what we really think, want and feel, and our habitual behavior

patterns (often determined by the attempt to meet the expectations that we

believe others have about us).

In this sense, A. Einstein said that "very few people are able to express with

equanimity opinions that differ from the prejudices of their own social

environment, and most people do not even get to form such opinions.”

Prizes And Punishments

In the learning of non-assertive behaviors, rewards or positive

reinforcements have an important role, which favors the consolidation of

the behavior to which they are associated, and the punishments (or aversive

consequences), which decrease the probability of repeating the behavior to

which they apply.

We can learn to be non-assertive if inhibition of aggressiveness has been

praised or rewarded in certain situations. Thus, aggressive behavior is

reinforced on many occasions because it allows obtaining short-term

advantages, although in the long term it is very harmful. Inhibited behavior

is also often reinforced, for example, parents and teachers tend to praise

obedient, quiet and quiet children for behaving in that way.

Teachers tend to praise obedient children, thus reinforcing their inhibited

behavior.

Observation Of Other People's Behavior (Models)

Another important way of learning is done by observing the behaviors of

others. In this way, children learn to imitate inhibited or aggressive

behaviors that they observe in their parents, teachers, and classmates, or

even in characters from television or video games.

Cultural Norms And Irrational Beliefs

An example of a cultural norm that favors inhibition is maintained by some

social groups when considering that women must be submissive, or that

they should not work outside the home, so they cannot have economic

independence.

As for the irrational beliefs that prevent us from being assertive, generally

learned in the socialization process, we can highlight two of them: the

demands (towards oneself or towards others) and the minimization-

rationalization, which is the tendency to deny our legitimate rights and

preferences.

Social Skills, Assertiveness, and Perception of the Interpersonal

Situation

As we pointed out before, assertiveness is a fundamental part of HH SS, but

they are two different concepts since there are situations in which being

assertive would not be anything skillful (an extreme example would be if

we are facing a robber who threatens us with a gun).

In more everyday situations, some assertive behaviors, such as expressing

certain opinions, saying that you feel upset about the other's behavior or

asking him to change his behavior; although they are reasonable and

justified, they can cause an unfavorable reaction in the other person, at least

initially.

Therefore, being socially skilled means being able to properly perceive the

interpersonal situation, without losing sight of our goals but trying to

anticipate the reaction of the other person and the results we will obtain,

both in the short and long term. In this way, we can discriminate when we

should behave in one way or another.

For this, we must take into account: 1) personal objectives and purposes

and, 2) the social rules implicit in each situation, group or social role.

Objectives and Personal Purposes

It is important that we get used to taking into account the objectives that we

intend to achieve in any interaction (both ours and those of others). Often,

these goals are: to feel good; achieve acceptance by others; maintain self-

esteem; get and transmit information; meet diverse needs; make a favorable

impression; persuade the interlocutor to do something; solve problems or

make new friends.

The idea is to be clear about the objectives of each one; try to anticipate the

most probable consequences - in the short and long term - of the different

behaviors that we can carry out and, based on all this, decide how we want

to behave in that situation.

Chapter 4 - Social Rules and Social

Roles

In social groups, there are rules that indicate the behaviors that must (or

should not) be carried out; which may vary according to the type of

situation and the roles we play. There are rules that are used for almost all

occasions, such as: "Be kind,” "Do not disturb people,” etc. Others refer to

certain situations, such as: "When you go to a party you should be cheerful

and be well dressed.” Finally, there are specific rules of an environment, for

example, some ways of relating to certain companies.

People with HH SS try to capture those rules inherent to each situation.

Instead, socially inexperienced people often ignore or confuse them (as if

they were playing a game without knowing its rules). Many times, these

rules are not explicitly expressed, and we have to grasp them by observing

how others interact. Social rules are learned throughout life, many of them

in childhood and others as we adapt to different environments.

Social roles are the typical behavior patterns of people who occupy a

certain social position: doctor, father, patient, teacher, etc. They carry a

series of rules about behavior that is considered appropriate for the person

who maintains that role and for those who interact with it.

The deficits in the perception of personal goals and purposes or of the social

rules implicit in the different situations or roles, maybe due to several

factors, such as 1) ignoring these rules; 2) not to capture certain relevant

signals, for example, the nonverbal messages of the interlocutor and, 3) the

biases and distortions in our perception of reality.

Assertiveness and Social Adequacy

The socially skilled person must be able to take into account the social rules

inherent in an environment, group or role and try not to get too out of them

if he does not want to encourage the rejection of others.

When a group observes a person whose behavior, appearance, etc., does not

take into account the "rules" of behavior shared by its members, a rejection

reaction that has been called a "foreign body phenomenon" usually occurs

because of its parallelism. with the rejection reaction that a living organism

manifests when some alien element is introduced into it, such as a

transplanted organ.

However, sometimes the "different" person does not provoke rejection and

can even inspire sympathy; for example, when it shows characteristics that

seem very desirable to others. Another important issue to relate effectively

to other people is to consider their feelings: try not to provoke negative

emotions and contribute as much as possible to experience positive

emotions. In this sense, Carnegie exposes a series of attitudes that help us to

be pleasant to others and predispose them in our favor, such as: not criticize,

do not oppose, make sincere compliments, always highlight the points of

agreement with the interlocutor, and avoid discussions.

All of the above implies:

Being able to tune into the subtle (often nonverbal) signals that indicate

what others need or want. Be aware of what they expect from us.

On many occasions, adapt our behavior to your expectations.

This proposal to seek social adequacy, that is, to know how to adapt our

behavior to what others expect of us, seems contradictory with

assertiveness. But, in reality, both attitudes complement each other.

Therefore, it is desirable to attend with a part of our mind to our interior, to

take into account what we want, think and feel, defend our rights, fight for

our goals and be true to ourselves. And, at the same time, be aware of what

other people expect from us, not to create unnecessary negative emotions

(which would lead them to reject us) and to try to encourage positive

attitudes in them that help them feel good about themselves and with us.

On many occasions, the defense of our rights or interests, being true to

ourselves, can prevail over the desire to please others. But we should

always keep in mind what others expect from us and how they can react

when we do not adapt to their expectations, so that we are not surprised by

the results and so that we can choose what behavior we want to maintain in

each situation.

That is why we think that the HH SS implies that, sometimes, we do not

manifest externally assertive: when this can bring us undesirable

consequences - for example, when we interact with a boss that we believe

that he will not accept our assertive behaviors and we do not want to lose

our employment.

The need to take into account the roles we play, the social rules and the

expectations of others, and to adapt in part to all this, reminds us of

Shakespeare's phrase: “The whole world is a stage and humans simply

actors who they come and go in different scenes, and during their lifetime,

each one represents many roles ”

But even if it is true that, on occasion, we have to be as actors, we should

remain assertive in our interior; that is to say:

May we always be the ones who choose, ultimately, our behavior (taking

into account its short- and long-term consequences)?

May we continue to firmly believe in our assertive rights and defend them

as much as possible?

May we remain true to ourselves?

That we do not confuse what we are (we believe, feel, desire, etc.) with the

“role” that we are representing in a specific situation.

Coexistence with others leads us to play different roles. And, as long as it is

not contraindicated, it is also convenient that we be assertive externally (or

observable behavior) since assertiveness is like the musculature (in the

sense that it strengthens when it is exercised and atrophied when it is not

used) and, in addition, in most situations, assertive behavior is also the most

skillful.

Therefore, we will conclude this section remembering that assertiveness

and HH are very related, since having HH SS implies being assertive, at

least internally (that is, in terms of our thoughts and feelings) and also

tending to be openly assertive provided that this is not counterproductive.

Chapter 5 - Concepts Related To

Social Skills And Assertiveness

HH SS and assertiveness are closely related to other concepts related to

them such as self-esteem, emotional intelligence, and empathy; which

constitute a kind of “different maps to describe the same territory,” as we

will see in the following sections.

Self-Esteem

Self-Esteem is a positive attitude towards oneself which consists in leading

us (that is, getting used to thinking, feeling and acting) in the healthiest

happy and self-fulfilling way that we can, taking into account the present

moment and also the future.

This includes what Ellis calls "short- and long-term hedonism"; that is, the

search for happiness and to do what we want, as long as this does not

prevent us from achieving greater satisfaction, in the medium or long term.

Self-esteem also implies:

Knowing ourselves, with our limitations or mistakes, and also with our

qualities and positive aspects. To do this, we must minimize our "blind

spots" (characteristics that we are not aware of) and distortions in our self-

image.

To accept ourselves unconditionally, regardless of our limitations or our

achievements and the acceptance or rejection that other people may give us.

This means feeling at peace with what we are, with our body, with our way

of thinking, feeling and acting, etc., even if we recognize the deficits or

negative aspects that we present in any of those areas.

Consider yourselves in a positive way, maintaining an attitude of respect

and appreciation towards yourselves. Thus, although we occasionally

"deviate" from our own objectives, goals or ideals, we will not feel guilty

about it, since we accept that we all have limitations and, in addition, many

of our "undesirable" reactions represent an attempt to achieve something

positive.

Vision of the self as potential, considering that we are much more than the

set of our behaviors and traits, because human beings - in addition to being

difficult to assess because of their enormous complexity - are constantly

changing, and we always have the option of being able to learn to direct

those changes in a desirable sense, developing our best potentials.

Attend and take care of your psychological and physical needs: our health,

well-being, and personal development (just like a good mother attend to her

child's needs).

Self-esteem is a natural trend. However, many people have to learn or

strengthen it because they were educated in such a way that they came to

consider it as something negative, which had to be avoided. For example,

self-esteem has often been confused with selfishness and selflessness or

hostility towards others.

But self-esteem is not something opposite to the ability to be sociable,

honest or supportive. On the contrary, as Fromm explains, the ability to

"love" oneself and to "love" others is complementary. Therefore, the person

who is not capable of loving himself would be unable to genuinely love

other people.

For Castañer, only who has self-esteem, who appreciates and values

himself, can relate to others on the same level, recognizing the aspects in

which others overcome him or not, but without feeling inferior or superior

to them. Self-esteem is a positive attitude towards oneself closely related to

assertiveness.

Self-Esteem and Approval Of Others

True self-esteem is unconditional, that is, independent of our achievements

or of the approval we obtain from others. But getting it is not always easy.

As Bonnet points out, as children we build the concept, we have of

ourselves based on how we think others see us.

We are reflected, as in a mirror, in what those around us show us, and we

learn to value ourselves to the extent that we feel valued by them.

Therefore, acceptance by parents or the most significant people is a

peremptory need for the child, since he needs it to build and maintain his

self-esteem.

That may continue to occur to some extent in adult life. Therefore, when we

believe, realistically or not, that others evaluate us negatively or reject us,

we tend to feel bad and get angry with them or with ourselves. The main

reason is that the disapproval of others can lead us to doubt our positive

self-image and our ability to function properly; that is, to shake our self-

esteem.

In turn, this loss of security or self-esteem can lead to great anxiety and

difficulties to develop effectively. All this can occur more frequently and

intensely in less assertive people, with self-esteem dependent on the

approval of others.

Therefore, some individuals turn the desire to be recognized by others into a

requirement, thinking and feeling that everyone - or at least certain people -

should accept them, or that they should be able to obtain their approval. The

problem of considering this desire as a requirement is that, when it is not

fulfilled, we tend to react thinking and feeling that it is something terrible

and condemning the other person or self-condemnation. The attitude of self-

condemnation is incompatible with that of self-esteem.

As Ellis points out, for an adult, believing that he needs the approval of

others at all costs is irrational since it is not a necessity but a preference.

But, in any case, being able to obtain approval, sympathy, and support from

some people is an important issue that helps us live better and facilitates

self-esteem.

As a conclusion of this section, we can consider that self-esteem and HH SS

are closely linked, since accepting and valuing oneself is a necessary

requirement to interact effectively with other people. And, at the same time,

improving HH SS and being assertive helps foster unconditional self-

esteem, independent of our achievements or the approval we get from

others.

Emotional Intelligence

Goleman has made popular the concept of emotional intelligence that

defines as the ability to understand and manage our emotions and those of

those around us, in the most convenient and satisfactory way.

He believes that emotional intelligence is based on the ability to

communicate effectively with ourselves and with others and that these skills

are not something innate but learned, so we can always improve them.

When talking about emotions, it refers to attitudes (that is, beliefs loaded

with emotions that predispose us to act in a manner consistent with them),

and automatic reactions (not voluntary or conscious) with emotional

content.

According to Goleman, people with emotional intelligence have the

following characteristics:

They understand their own and others' emotions, desires and needs, and act

wisely based on them.

They properly manage their feelings and those of others and tolerate

tensions well.

They are independent, self-confident, sociable, outgoing, cheerful and

balanced.

Their emotional life is rich and appropriate, and when they fall into an

adverse mood, they know how to get out of it easily, without getting caught

in their negative emotions.

They tend to maintain an optimistic view of things and feel comfortable

with themselves, with their peers and with the kind of life they lead.

They express their feelings properly, without surrendering to emotional

outbursts that they would later have to regret.

Goleman differentiates between intrapersonal and interpersonal emotional

intelligence. The first is very similar to self-esteem, while the second is

closely related to HH SS, as we will see in the next two sections.

Intrapersonal Emotional Intelligence

Goleman describes intrapersonal emotional intelligence in a manner similar

to what we understand by self-esteem, although focusing on feelings. He

believes that an important aspect of intrapersonal emotional intelligence is

the ability to communicate effectively with ourselves; that is, to perceive,

organize and remember our experiences, thoughts, and feelings in the ways

that are best for us.

This intrapersonal communication is essential to control our emotions,

adapt them to the moment or the situation, stop being slaves of them, and be

better able to face optimally any setback, without altering ourselves more

conveniently.

This emotional self-control does not consist in repressing emotions, but in

keeping them in balance, since each emotion has its own function and its

adaptive value, provided that it does not become excessive or does not

“overflow.”

Emotional balance is the desirable alternative to two undesirable opposing

attitudes, consisting of 1) repressing or denying our emotions - which

would make us inhibited - or, 2) letting ourselves be carried away by

emotional excesses such as a self-destructive crush or extreme anger.

The search for emotional well-being is a constant effort in the life of any

person, although many times we are not aware of it. Thus, for example,

many of the daily activities, such as watching television, going out with

friends, etc., are aimed at reducing our negative emotions and increasing

positive emotions.

Interpersonal Emotional Intelligence

Goleman believes that interpersonal emotional intelligence is the ability to

relate effectively to our emotions and those of others, in the field of

interpersonal relationships. It includes being able to:

Adequately express our emotions verbally and nonverbally, taking into

account their impact on other people's emotions.

Help others experience positive emotions and reduce the negative ones

(e.g., anger).

Get interpersonal relationships to help us achieve our goals, realize our

desires and experience as many positive emotions as possible.

Reduce the negative emotions that interpersonal conflicts can cause us.

For Goleman, a key factor in interpersonal emotional intelligence is

empathy, which he defines as the ability to understand the feelings of others

and put ourselves in the place of the other. Given its importance in the HH

SS, we dedicate the following section to it.

Empathy

Empathy is the ability to put ourselves in the place of the other person and

to consider things from their point of view, also understanding their

feelings. For Goleman, the essence of empathy is to realize what others feel

without needing to tell us. It implies being able to tune into the subtle (often

nonverbal) signals that indicate what others need or want and to express to

others that we have understood and that we are able to see things from their

point of view.

Empathic people remain attentive to the verbal and nonverbal cues of those

with whom they interact, being able to perceive not only their explicit

messages but also their desires and feelings. Thus, empathy can be

compared with a kind of radar with which we are pending to capture the

emotions, desires, and points of view of others.

The lack of empathy can impede any communication because it prevents

properly capturing the most significant messages of others, their opinions,

desires, and feelings. Therefore, it creates discomfort and emotional

distancing.

Empathy is usually related to solidarity and ethics. In this sense, the ability

to put ourselves in the place of others tends to make it easier for us to help

them when they have problems; while, on the opposite pole, psychopaths

often lack all empathy.

Individual differences in the ability to put ourselves in the place of the other

can already be observed in childhood. Research shows that children with

few HH SS when they want to participate in a game interrupted without

looking at others. Instead, the most skilled observe for a while, trying to

understand the rules of the game and to tune in with the other children, and

begin to participate in it at an opportune moment when they do not create

discomfort.

People with deficits in HH SS (e.g., those who have not acquired certain

skills because they are socially isolated) have great problems in properly

capturing and interpreting the wishes and feelings of others since they are

not accustomed to paying attention to them. automatically, as people with

HH SS do.

On the other hand, the most empathic people, that is, more able to correctly

capture the feelings and points of view of their peers, are more sociable,

have a greater emotional adjustment and are evaluated much more

positively by those with whom they interact. Empathy is also very

important to help others develop their best potential, for example in

psychotherapy or education.

To be empathic, we also have to be aware of our own emotions and know

how to manage them to prevent them from "overflowing"; since capturing

the emotions of others means being attentive and perceiving the subtle

signals they emit, and that is not possible when we are blocked by our own

emotions. In addition, deep down, people are quite similar, so knowing

oneself helps to understand others.

Therefore, those who are able to tune into their own emotional world are

better able to understand the emotional processes - often unconscious or

unconscious - that others experience.

Beliefs and Thoughts – What Hinders and What Facilitates

In this chapter, we will mention some of the beliefs, thoughts, and actions

which we encourage to facilitate social skills and assertiveness. Some of the

tips have been mentioned below:

Being Your Own Judge

Being your own judge implies:

Recognizing and exercising your right to judge, ultimately, what you are

and what you do.

Act according to what you think, not based on what others think.

Set your own rules to judge your behavior.

Assume that you can choose what you think, feel and do, and consider

yourself responsible for your own existence, taking away that responsibility

from others.

Do not let yourself impose external values that do not respect your right to

judge and choose your way of thinking, feeling and acting.

Base your scale of values on your wishes and preferences.

Free yourself from the tyranny of the debts, which make you vulnerable to

the manipulations of others.

Remember that it is usually convenient to pay attention to the opinions of

others, but that it is you who must make your decisions.

Habituate to judge your needs, set your priorities and make your own

decisions.

Learn to reject requests, when you decide, without feeling guilty. Dare to

express what you think, feel and want, without excessively fearing the

possible rejection of others.

Remember that each one is the maximum responsible for his life.

Face the possibility that some may not like your assertive behavior. Be

aware that there is no absolutely valid model of "good" or "bad" behavior,

although there are different ways of thinking, feeling and acting that

everyone can choose and that enrich or bitter our existence.

Accept that the judgments you make about yourself, other people, the world

or the future, may not seem logical or reasonable to other people, but they

may better fit your reality, your personality, or your lifestyle.

Be clear that it is about your life, so it is up to you more than anyone.

Therefore, it is better that you set your own goals, and tries to be true to

yourself, achieving them as much as possible.

Smith cites some irrational beliefs that may prevent you from exercising the

right to be your own judge, such as:

"If I cannot convince others that my desires are reasonable, it will be

because I am wrong or because my desires are not acceptable."

“You have to respect the views of others, especially if they have some kind

of authority; keep differences of opinion for oneself; listen and learn.”

“We should not be governed by our own ideas, but by some more important

and wise external norms than we; since if it was not for those social norms

about what we should or should not do, we could not live harmoniously.”

He concludes by stating that we do not need to assume those external norms

(demands or should) to relate effectively to others and that it is better to

accept that our preferences and aversions (as well as those of other people)

are sufficient justification to try to convince others, propose a negotiation,

reach agreements or request changes in behavior.

The Right To Choose Whether Or Not We Are Responsible For The

Problems Of Others

Smith believes that if we ignore our assertive right not to be responsible for

other people's problems, others can manipulate us, presenting their own

problems as if they were ours. But if we are assertive, we can choose to feel

responsible only for our own problems. For example, if a partner does not

let us focus on work or overwhelms us by telling us about their difficulties,

an assertive answer would be to ask them to tell us somewhere else, or to

recommend that they seek professional help, without feeling responsible for

them.

An irrational belief that prevents us from exercising this right is that we

should not say or do anything that could hurt other people's feelings. But,

although it is preferable not to hurt others and treat them with respect and

courtesy, it is impossible and counterproductive to claim to demand that

you never freeze anyone.

It is more desirable to think that you have the right to defend your interests

and express your feelings, even if others feel occasionally hurt. The

opposite would mean showing you false and denying the other person the

opportunity to learn.

Another example of the belief that can prevent the exercise of this right is

that we must be equally friendly to all people so that no one feels

discriminated against because of us. But it is desirable and assertive to

accept that we have the right to choose our friends or the people with whom

we interact more closely, even if this may annoy someone.

The Right To Choose If We Take Care Of Other People's Problems

This includes that we are able to put our interests before others, at least

occasionally. The most rational is to try to respect our interests and those of

others, looking for favorable solutions for both whenever possible. But,

sometimes, it is natural and reasonable to put our needs before those of

others.

The Right To Choose Whether Or Not We Want To Give Explanations

If you laugh at your own judgments and values, if you are your own judge,

you do not have to feel obligated to give explanations about your behavior

so that others decide if it is right or wrong, nor to try to convince them that

you are not wrong.

Of course, others will always have the assertive option of telling you that

they don't like what you do. In that case, you can choose to: ignore them,

seek an agreement or negotiation, or respect their preferences and

completely modify your behavior. But we must be clear that the true one

responsible for our life, our emotions and our behaviors, are each one of us.

The Right To Change Your Mind

As Smith points out, the reality is very complex: it can be seen from

different angles and many aspects of it are constantly changing. Therefore,

to be realistic and achieve a maximum of well-being, it is convenient to

accept that changing your mind is something healthy and normal.

Some irrational ideas that prevent us from exercising this right are: “Once

you have committed to something, you should not change your mind and, if

you change, you must justify yourself or acknowledge that you were in

error,” “If you turn back you show that you are an irresponsible,” “If you

change your mind, you show that you are not able to make decisions for

yourself,” etc.

But the assertive person ignores these irrationals “should” and is clear about

his right to change his mind.

The Right To Make Mistakes

If we believe, in a self-demanding way, that we should not make mistakes

(which is impossible because we all make mistakes sometimes), when we

make them, we will react thinking and feeling that we have done something

wrong, that this is terrible and that we are inept.

It will also be easy for other people to manipulate us and make us feel

guilty for being wrong about something. For example, if you make a small

mistake in your work and your partner scolds you by implying that "you

shouldn't have failed"; If you are not assertive and you let him judge your

behavior - without taking into account that it is you who should do it and

that you have the right to be wrong - it is likely that this situation creates a

lot of anxiety.

To reduce or avoid this anxiety, you could resort to less assertive strategies,

such as: denying the mistake, giving too many explanations to try to justify

it, taking away importance (which would make your partner angrier) or

feeling obligated to do something to try to “repair the error.”

But if you are assertive and, therefore, judge for yourself your own

mistakes, you will calmly recognize that it has been a failure, seeing it as

normal and without feeling guilty about it.

The Right To Say “I Don't Know”

To exercise this right is to respond calmly that we do not know something

when the occasion requires it. It also includes daring to ask what we do not

know. It is based on accepting that it is impossible to know everything and

that we do not need to have answers to all questions, to feel good and be

effective and valuable.

Smith gives the following example: If someone asks you a biased question

such as: "What do you think would happen if we all started to defend our

rights?,” and you don't know what to answer, you can return the question by

saying: "I don't know; What do you think would happen?”

The right to say "I don't know" without feeling bad about it is opposed to

irrational beliefs such as: "We must have answers to any question you ask

us" or "We must be clear (and be able to explain at any time) the

consequences that You can have our behavior in other people. ”

The Right Of Not Needing The Approval Of Others

Interpersonal relationships are very important, and it is very pleasing to

others. But trying to please everyone is impossible and even

counterproductive. Let's look at some reasons:

It is impossible to always get the approval of others. Therefore, it is better

to accept naturally that there are people who do not like us. If we give

excessive importance to getting the approval of others, we can become

anxious and servile people (since, even when we have their approval, we

would fear losing it).

If one always behaves in the way he thinks others expect him to do, he

would no longer be true to himself.

If we believe that in order to interact properly with a person, we need to

have their approval and sympathy, we put ourselves in a position to be

manipulated by them, because of our need for approval. Actually, although

we prefer it, we do not need the approval or sympathy of others to relate to

them assertively and effectively.

As Smith points out: “Many people are horrified as soon as someone

threatens to withdraw their affection or withdraws it. They are paralyzed

and fail to act for their own benefit at work, in their relationship, with their

friends, etc. But we will never be free if we are not able to risk doing what

we really want, even if that may give us the antipathy of other people.”

The Right To Make Decisions Outside Of Logic

Logic and reasoning are usually based on strong statements, in the form of

“all or nothing.” But our desires, motivations, and emotions do not usually

present themselves in such a clear way. Often, our feelings about something

or someone are mixed and confusing. We experience them in different

degrees depending on the time and place and sometimes we want different

things at the same time. Therefore, logic and reasoning are ineffective in

understanding these situations or in solving problems created by conflicting

motivations.

Despite this, many of us retain the irrational belief that "We must give good

reasons to justify our desires, feelings, and behaviors." If we believe so,

some people will use the argument that they do not seem logical, to

manipulate us and get us to do what they want.

For example: if another person tries to do something you do not want and,

instead of asking you to claim his wish, he argues that what he asks is

logical, he may be trying to manipulate you so that you do not dare to reject

his request, instead of raising a negotiation about your conflicting wishes.

Thus, you may feel guilty for wanting something "contrary to logic.”

But nevertheless; you still have the right to choose your goals and decide

what you want, even if you don't have clear and logical reasons to explain it

(since you are your own judge).

The Right Not To Understand The Expectations Of Others

Some people have the irrational idea that we should guess their needs and

expectations and try to manipulate us to do what they want, through indirect

allusions, as if they expect us to intuit their desires and submit to them;

instead of expressing them assertively to try to get them, even partially.

But being assertive requires thinking that we are not obliged to guess the

expectations of others and that, although in most situations it suits us to be

attentive and try to take them into account; it is logical and convenient for

the people involved to express their wishes.

In addition, if we accept that it is difficult to understand the expectations of

others, we will also avoid the mistakes that usually occur when we tend to

“guess” the thoughts and desires of others.

The Right Of Not Trying To Achieve Perfection

As Smith points out, some people believe that, although we are not perfect,

we should try to achieve perfection in every way possible. Therefore, they

consider that if someone tells us how we can improve, we have a duty to

follow that direction.

But we have already seen how counterproductive the "you should" are.

Also, if our expectations are realistic, we will not expect to be perfect - or

even approach it - since we humans are full of limitations. It will be enough

for us to do things in the most satisfactory way we can.

Therefore, it is better to recognize our assertive right that, on many

occasions, we are not interested in seeking perfection. This position also

frees us from the manipulations of other people, who try to do what they

want by claiming that what they propose "is better" and, therefore, "brings

us closer to perfection.” The assertive thing is that each one of us judges

and chooses his goals according to his preferences and that, if another tries

to manipulate us to get us to do what he wants, arguing that it is better, we

can think and say: "I don't care.”

To conclude this section on assertive rights, we will point out that it is

important to keep in mind that these are valid for us and for other people

(and, therefore, respect those rights in others). It is also important not to

confuse these rights with preferences or requirements (e.g., it would be a

mistake to believe that to be assertive it is preferable to make mistakes).

Assertive rights are that you dare to exercise the right to be your own judge,

to set your own goals and not to let yourself be manipulated by others. But

this does not prevent you from taking into account their opinions, give

explanations when it seems appropriate to do so, and prefer to be kind, do

things well, like others and get their approval, provided that does not

prevent you from being true to yourself.

Once exposed the main irrational beliefs that hinder SS and assertiveness,

as well as the opposing beliefs that facilitate them, in the next section we

will explain some techniques that can help you detect and change thoughts

and beliefs.

Detect And Change Thoughts

As we explain at the beginning of this chapter, for cognitive psychology the

main determinants of our emotions and behaviors are our thoughts and

beliefs. We usually acquire these thoughts involuntarily, but we can learn to

modify them voluntarily. Thus, we can choose between keeping those that

limit or harm us or replace them with others that help us better achieve our

goals.

For example, if we want to be assertive but maintain beliefs that prevent it,

we can work to identify and modify those beliefs. And as they change, the

emotions and behaviors associated with them will also change. We can

reprogram our beliefs, replacing those that harm us with more beneficial

ones.

Detect And Change Irrational Beliefs

We call irrational beliefs those that lead us to maintain counterproductive

emotions and behaviors. Although we are not aware of them, we all tend to

maintain some irrational beliefs intermingled with other rational ones. To

differentiate them, it should be taken into account that:

Rational beliefs are maintained as something probable and relative and are

expressed in the form of desires and preferences. Therefore, when we do

not get what we want, the negative feelings that are generated (sadness,

worry, disgust, etc.) are not excessive and do not prevent us from achieving

new goals and purposes.

Irrational beliefs are expressed in the form of demand or necessity (in terms

of "should,” "need,” "you have to,” etc.) and are maintained in dogmatic

and absolutist form. This implies that, when they are not met, we react with

counterproductive emotions and behaviors (excessive sadness or anger,

inhibited or aggressive behaviors, etc.). They also go against logic and

evidence (they don't fit with reality).

An important part of the learning of HH SS and assertiveness is to detect

irrational ideas that prevent us from being assertive and have HH SS and

replace them with ways of thinking that favor assertiveness and HH SS.

Ellis ABC Scheme

Ellis considers that, if we want to change attitudes, (e.g., learn to be more

assertive) we must take into account external situations and our emotions

and behaviors; but that the most relevant role is that of our thoughts. It is

based on the following scheme:

A B C

Situation or → Beliefs and → Emotional consequences and

experience thoughts about A behavioral

Where A represents the situation or experience that appears at first sight as

the trigger of C (emotional and behavioral consequences). Consider that,

although the A seems to cause the C, this is not usually true, since the B

(beliefs and thoughts about A) are the main determinants of the C.

Ellis considers that, in any situation or experience, we can always choose

what we think of B (that is, how we evaluate the A) and that, therefore, we

can get used to thinking always in the way that suits us. In this way, we will

influence ourselves in feeling and acting, also, in more convenient and

satisfying ways.

Make Self-Records Of Thoughts

Self-records are an effective technique to help you identify and change

irrational thoughts and beliefs that prevent you from feeling good and being

assertive. They are based on the ABC scheme that we have outlined in the

previous section.

To learn this technique, you can make a self-record for each of the

interpersonal situations in which you usually feel bad or in which you have

difficulties to behave assertively. Then, when you know how to do them,

every time you feel an emotional disturbance (e.g., excessive anger or

anxiety) or behave counterproductively (e.g., inhibited, aggressive or

unskillful), you can fill in one of those self-records with the thoughts

involved.

If you get used to doing it this way, the process of detecting and changing

counterproductive thoughts (as well as their emotional and behavioral

consequences) will become automatic, which will allow you to face

situations in which you felt bad before, feeling and acting in an assertive

way.

Self-Instructions

Self-instructions are phrases that we tell ourselves to help us think, feel and

act as we wish. They are more effective if they contain positively

formulated messages, that is, statements about what you want to achieve

(instead of focusing on what you don't want).

For example, telling yourself that you should not be anxious, focus your

attention and energy on anxiety and often increase it. On the contrary,

telling yourself that you are going to be calm usually gives better results. In

general, we should focus on thinking, feeling and acting in the way we

want; while we let the negative thoughts and emotions disappear by

themselves.

For example, you can tell yourself: "I will be calm," "If unwanted thoughts

or feelings appear; I will focus on thinking, feeling and acting in the desired

way and the others, alone, will disappear ,” etc.

Some people find it very useful to surround themselves with cards

containing positive self-instruction in the form of drawings or phrases,

placing them in visible places (mirrors, refrigerator door, etc.), or carrying

them in the diary or purse to read them often. Another way to use self-

instruction is to make a list of those that are most convincing and write

them down on a sheet to take with you and read it frequently.

Once the self-instruction sheet is made, you can record them on a cassette

to listen to them (e.g., after practicing relaxation) or to read them

repeatedly. In both cases, try to do it convincingly (as if it were an

advertising message). Practice with them until you learn them by heart,

truly believe them and get your mind to get used to thinking, automatically,

in the desired way.

You can also read or listen to them when negative thoughts or feelings

appear in your mind or when you are going to face difficult situations. It is

convenient that you modify and adapt this list of self-instructions to your

needs, adding new ideas that are more interesting or effective and

eliminating others that are no longer as useful.

Framing

Framing consists of being able to perceive any situation or experience from

different perspectives and focus on the one that is most useful to us. In this

way, we discover that many times, a seemingly adverse situation can

become something very positive. It is based on the fact that we do not

perceive things as they are, but we can consider them in very different

ways, and our way of seeing them makes us feel and act in very different

ways.

With the reframing, we can take any experience that, in principle, seems

bad or undesirable and verify that most times it can be considered an

advantage if we see it from another perspective. For example, the ugly

duckling in the story suffered because it was different from other ducks but,

seen from another context, it was more beautiful than them.

It is about finding in each experience the most useful point of view, to turn

it into something that favors us instead of harming us. It is what the phrase

expresses: “If life offers you a lemon, don't complain about its bitter taste;

make lemonade with it.”

Errors, failures, and setbacks are also an opportunity to learn, improve and

grow, as long as we get used to reframing them to face them as it suits us. A

well-known example happened at the IBM company, in the US, when one

of its executives made a mistake whereby the company lost nine million

dollars. When he was called to the president's office, he came convinced

that he was going to be fired. But the president told him that he was not

going to do such a thing because they had just invested those nine million in

his training (that is, he was convinced that he would learn very valuable

things from that error).

The meaning of any event will depend on the framing or perspective from

which we observe it. When the perspective changes, the meaning also

changes. And when the meaning changes, the emotions, and behaviors

associated with it also change.

Framing our perception of reality is similar to taking a picture: we choose

the angle, the perspective, etc., and we highlight what interests us most. The

practice of framing helps us to distance ourselves emotionally from the

experiences that are creating a negative impact on us (to be able to see

things from other perspectives). This allows us to increase our emotions and

positive behaviors and be more attractive and effective for those around us.

The framing is very useful in different areas of interpersonal

communication. For example, Beck advises therapists that, if a patient is

distrustful of the possible efficacy of the treatment, interpret that mistrust as

an intelligent and scientific position on the part of the patient, not to believe

things just because they are told but to seek tests.

Another form of reframing, which is advised to shy or insecure people, is to

consider any failure they commit as an "exercise of shame attack.”

Humor is often related to the reframing. For example, a famous writer was

reunited with his friends and received a letter containing a sheet of paper in

which one word could be read: "Jerk.” He reacted by saying: "I have

received many letters without a signature in my life, but it is the first time I

receive a signature without a letter.” In this way, thanks to his humorous

reframing, he turned a destructive and unpleasant criticism into something

fun.

Robbins advises using the framing to modify certain memories. For

example, some people, after breaking a relationship, are so traumatized that

they avoid any subsequent opportunity to establish another, and this

happens even with relationships that, while they lasted, had very positive

aspects.

He believes that the problem is that they keep a memory that magnifies the

negative (like the break) and minimizes the positive. The solution would be

to reframe the memory to store it in your memory in a more convenient way

(e.g., evoking more happy moments, what you learned with that person,

etc.). That would help them feel better and act in more positive ways (e.g.,

facilitating the start of new relationships).

Other examples of reframes are the following:

Fleming discovered penicillin because he had failed the experiment with

which he was trying to prove otherwise. But, instead of simply considering

it a failure, he looked for other possible interpretations, discovering its

usefulness (something similar has happened with many scientific

discoveries).

Edison made more than ten thousand attempts before inventing the electric

bulb. When asked how he could move on after so many failures, he replied

that he never failed, but that through each effort, he learned new ways of

how the light bulb should not be made.

If a year we have to pay the Treasury more than the previous one, instead of

feeling bad about it we can think that it is because we have more income

than in previous years. If you discover that you have failed at something,

you may think that it is very good that you have noticed it because now, you

can amend the mistake or prevent such errors in the future.

If you discover that you have a chronic illness, you can take it as an

opportunity to activate your self-esteem: since you are forced to take care of

yourself, this can serve as a stimulus to treat you better at all levels (e.g., do

not allow yourself negative emotions and seek to do, if possible, the things

you really want).

Physical pain can be seen as a signal from the body that helps us take better

care of ourselves. A broken leg can be taken as an opportunity to rest, relax,

and learn to surf the Internet, etc.

When we meet very irrational people, we can consider that their undesirable

behavior is the result of their biology, their education and, above all, their

way of perceiving things. The following story sets out an example of how

to reframe problems to turn them into opportunities:

“One day, a farmer's donkey fell into a well. The animal cried heavily for

hours, while the farmer tried to figure out what he could do. Finally, the

farmer thought that the animal was already old; the well was dry and

needed to be covered anyway, so it really wasn't worth taking out the

donkey. Then he invited his neighbors to come to help him. Everyone took

shovels and began to throw dirt to cover them well. The donkey, at the

bottom of the hole, realized what was happening and cried even more

disconsolately. But, shortly after, to everyone's surprise, he calmed down.

After a few pallets of land, the farmer finally looked at the bottom and was

surprised at what he saw: with each pallet of land, the donkey did

something surprising: he shook the earth and took a step up. While the

neighbors continued to land on top of the animal, he would shake and step

up. Soon, everyone was surprised to see how the donkey reached the mouth

of the well, passed over the edge and trotted ...”

Moral: “Let's not be like the peasants who threw pallets of land; but let's be

like the donkey, who used them to get out of the well.”

Testing The Validity Of Your Beliefs And Acting Against Your

Irrational Ideas

"Experiments" to test irrational beliefs are a very powerful method of

getting rid of them. Let's look at a couple of examples:

A retiree maintained the irrational belief that his children and grandchildren

considered him a burden and disliked his company. This led him to behave

in an inhibited and distant way when interacting with them. The experiment

(to see if his belief was real or false) was to talk to his children, offering to

take his grandchildren to school and meet more often. They accepted

happily so that their irrational thinking could not continue to be maintained

and could realize their wishes to relate more to them.

A boy held the wrong belief that he was unable to like girls because their

appearance was unpleasant. The experiment, on this occasion, was carried

out encouraging him to go to the right places and, once in them, look at the

girls who attracted him, smile at them, talk to them, etc., to

Observe the results. When he found that most girls responded positively

and that some of them liked him, he changed his belief that he was

unpleasant, and that no girl could like him.

This way of changing beliefs or attitudes is related to Ellis' proposal to:

"Act against your irrational ideas to modify them" which is a very effective

way of modifying any counterproductive habit, for example, non-assertive

attitudes.

Chapter 6 - Interpersonal

Communication and Nonverbal

Communication

Interpersonal Communication

Communication is a process that takes place between two or more people,

in which one of the participants (the sender of the message) expresses

something, through verbal or nonverbal signs, with the intention of

influencing in some way the thoughts, emotions or behavior of the person

receiving the message (the receiver or recipients).

In most interpersonal situations, communication is a reciprocal and

interactive process, in which the sender and receiver roles are exchanged. In

addition, although at one point, one assumes the role of the sender and the

other that of the receiver, both emit and receive messages simultaneously.

Thus, the listener does not stop transmitting signals (e.g., showing

expression of interest or displeasure) and who is speaking is usually waiting

to pick up the signals emitted by his interlocutor.

Difficulties Of Interpersonal Communication

People are social beings and therefore, communicating with others is

necessary to feel good and to meet many other needs. But interpersonal

communication presents a series of difficulties and limitations.

Difficulties Related To The Characteristics Of Our Perception

Many of the problems that exist in interpersonal communication are related

to the fact that the representation of the reality that each of us has, differs

from the representation of that same reality that other people have. In turn,

our differences in perceiving reality are based on the fact that we do not

grasp reality itself, but rather a simplified version of it (reality is always

more complex than the idea we have of it).

The simplification or filtering that we carry out when perceiving reality is

due, in part, to the fact that the capacity of our attention is limited so that

we can process all the information, external and internal, that could reach us

at any given time. Therefore, our mind ignores the less important

information in order to better process what seems most relevant.

As a result, our representation of reality is more limited and poorer, but

easier to handle. Our sensory organs also contribute to filtering what we

perceive. For example, our ears do not capture sound waves too low or too

high and something similar happens with vision and other senses. Finally,

our beliefs, values and previous experiences also contribute to shaping our

perception of reality.

Difficulties In Issuing Messages

Many times, we find that our messages are misunderstood. For example, we

want to make a friendly gesture and interpret it as hostile, or we want to

help someone, and it is interpreted as an intrusion. In these cases, we tend to

think that the problem of communication is that the other does not

understand us, that is, the recipient of our message. But, sometimes, the

origin of the problem will be that we have not issued the message properly.

Communication begins at the intrapersonal level: we think or feel

something, and we want to communicate it. For this we have to encode our

message, that is, translate it into verbal codes (words, phrases,) or nonverbal

codes (gestures, tone of voice,) that the recipient can recognize. But that is

not always easy.

Sometimes we are not sure what we want to communicate (e.g., when we

are unaware of our feelings or when we have conflicting wishes about

something). Other times, our message is not clear because the codes we use

lend themselves to confusion, since:

The meaning we give to a gesture (e.g., winking), a word (e.g., friendship)

or a behavior (e.g., making a gift) varies greatly depending on the context

or the nonverbal language that accompanies them.

The same message (e.g., show affection) can manifest itself with very

different verbal and nonverbal codes.

Most of the time, in addition to the explicit message, there is an implicit

message (which is the most important, because it contains the true feelings

and intentions of the sender) that is not expressed openly, and that the

interlocutor will have to deduce from context and language nonverbal of the

issuer.

Difficulties In The Perception And Interpretation Of The Messages

For the communication to take place, the recipient of the message has to

carry out the decoding of the message, which consists in perceiving the

verbal and nonverbal codes used by the sender and interpreting them

properly.

Frequently, some of the verbal or nonverbal codes used by the sender are

not picked up by the recipient of the communication; for example, because

it does not pay enough attention or because (as we indicated before) the

capacity for human attention is limited.

In general, our perception of the messages that are directed at us is quite

deficient. Some research indicates that we hear about half of what they tell

us; we listen (that is, we become aware and understand) half of what we

hear and remember half of what we hear.

Upon receiving a message, we capture only a part of what is delivered by

our interlocutor. In addition to not receiving an important part of the

messages that are sent to us, we often distort them, perceiving things that

the interlocutor has not issued.

Some distortions are favored by certain environmental factors that make

communication difficult. For example, if you are working and you have the

radio on loud and a partner wants to talk to you, you will not be able to hear

him well and it is easy for you to misunderstand his words. And if he raises

his voice to say: "Turn down the radio!” you may believe that he is angry,

even if he actually yelled at you because otherwise, you would not hear

him.

Another source of distortions is our emotional state. For example, when we

are angry with someone, we tend to perceive and remember preferably

those verbal or nonverbal messages congruent with our idea that the other is

offending, assaulting, etc. .; while we find it more difficult to perceive

messages incompatible with our feeling of anger. Sometimes, this leads us

to distort - involuntarily - our perception of reality so that it is congruent

with our mood.

Therefore, the message reconstructed by the interlocutor is often very

different from the one the sender wanted to send.

Effective Communication

Effective communication occurs when the receiver picks up the message

that the sender tries to transmit with the least possible distortions. If what

the receiver perceives is something very different from what the transmitter

intends to transmit, there is no real communication.

Therefore, when we issue a message, we have to try to express in ways that

can be understood by our interlocutor and, when we listen, we must be

attentive to what the other transmit and try to capture not only their explicit

messages but also the implicit message (the meaning of what he tells us, his

ideas and his feelings); keeping in mind the limitations of communication

and our tendency to distort it.

Your “Maps” Of Reality

As we explained before, the reality is something too broad and complex

and, to make sense of it, our mind represents it in a simplified way. The

characteristics of our nervous system and our sensory organs only allow us

to perceive a small part of reality and that part goes through other filters

formed by our experiences, values and beliefs and, even, by our language.

Thus, each person perceives "reality" differently from how others perceive

it, according to their sensory impressions, their beliefs, and their previous

personal experiences, and feel and act in line with that vision of things. Our

representations of reality are similar to maps. A map is not identical to the

territory it represents: it is a simplified or schematic image, which ignores

certain information and highlights others; highlights the aspects of reality

that interest us and ignores others. But a valid map has a structure similar to

that of the territory to which it refers and helps us to develop in it. In the

same way, our mental representations are not identical to reality, but if they

reflect it properly, they are very useful for us to develop in it.

Robbins believes that the "maps" or representations of reality that we all

have in our minds can be classified into two categories: 1) "maps" of how

things are and 2) "maps" of how we would like them to be or how we

believe that they should be (values). With these "mind maps,” we filter the

perception, understanding, and memory of any experience, and rarely

question its accuracy. Usually, we assume that the way we see things

matches how they really are (or how they should be).

Therefore, when another person maintains different points of view from

ours, we are surprised and tend to think that they are wrong. But, in reality,

each perceives reality under the bias of their previous experiences and

beliefs.

Many of the problems in interpersonal relationships are a consequence of

our mistaken belief that our perception of things is identical to reality. We

tend to forget that they are only assumptions or maps and that these maps

are different from one person to another.

Therefore, if we want to communicate effectively with others, we must

accept that we are different in our way of thinking, and always keep it in

mind when dealing with them. We will also have to get used to

understanding the point of view of our interlocutor and show him that we

are able to see things not only from our “reality maps” but also from his

“reality maps.”

Communication Components

As for the components of communication, two major sections are usually

considered: verbal and non-verbal communication. Given the enormous, not

always recognized, the importance of nonverbal communication in

interpersonal relationships, we will refer to it in the next section.

Verbal communication (speech content) will be discussed in later chapters,

which focus on conversations.

Non-Verbal Communication

Characteristics of Non-Verbal Communication

Non-Verbal Communication, also called body language, is what we carry

out through gestures, movements, looks, etc. That is any communication

that is not carried out by words. This form of communication is inevitable

when we are in the presence of other people because even if we remain

silent, we continue to send messages to others through our face and our

body.

Most authors believe that verbal language is primarily used to transmit

information, while nonverbal communication is the main means of

communicating emotions. An important part of HH SS consists of the

ability (often unconscious) to properly capture and interpret the nonverbal

cues of the people with whom we interact. For Horse, nonverbal messages

can fulfill several functions:

Replace words; for example, when a father makes a child sit still with a

menacing look.

Repeat what is being said; How to move your hand to say goodbye.

Emphasize a verbal message, especially those of an emotional type,

pausing, raising the tone of voice, etc.

Regulate the interaction; for example, when, in a conversation, one person

points to the other that it is their turn of speech, with a nod or a look.

Contradict the verbal message (e.g., show an expression of dislike while

claiming to feel good). This is usually done involuntarily, not consciously,

and can help us detect when a person is saying something they don't feel.

Express attitudes such as friendship, anger or affection, in an ambiguous

way, so that the other cannot be entirely sure of what we communicate (so,

if we wish, we can later deny that message).

In general, when we talk to someone, we accompany our verbal messages

with looks, gestures, changes in body posture, facial expressions, etc.,

which have a very important role in communication.

Most of the time, nonverbal cues do not transmit messages on their own but

instead complement speech, expressing our feelings about the verbal

messages we send or receive. For example, if someone makes a small

mistake and you say, “How awkward you are!” The message will be very

different if you say it smiling kindly or with a hostile face and tone of voice.

Some components of nonverbal language are innate, and others are learned,

especially in childhood but also throughout life, and are greatly influenced

by the customs of the groups to which we belong. As some ways of

expressing emotions vary greatly from one group to another, it is sometimes

difficult to interpret certain nonverbal cues from those who belong to very

different environments from their own.

Nonverbal communication is usually carried out in a non-conscious manner,

both by the sender and the receiver. That leads us to form opinions of others

based on their nonverbal behavior, without having a clear idea of what

bothers or pleases us about them.

Our nonverbal behaviors often provoke reciprocal nonverbal behaviors in

other people; but we usually attribute them to their circumstances or

characteristics, without realizing that we have caused them. For example, if

one day you are in a bad mood it is easier for others to also be somewhat

angry because, at least in part, your grumpy expression will tend to make it

easier for them to also show up with you.

Most of the time nonverbal communication is carried out in a non-

conscious way and our emotional state greatly influences what we

communicate with it. Therefore, to the extent that we feel good and keep

positive attitudes, it will be easier for us to transmit a more favorable

nonverbal language.

Nonverbal language is usually ambiguous and can be misunderstood.

Therefore, we must consider all the signals as a whole, take into account

their congruence with what is communicated verbally and consider the

context in which they occur. It is something similar to grammar, in which

the letters separately make no sense.

Please believe that the meaning of nonverbal messages is deduced from the

whole: from the relationship of some signals with others and with the

environment. For example, if someone is standing at the bus stop, with arms

and legs crossed and the chin low, on a cold winter day, it is most likely

cold. But if that person makes the same gestures when he is sitting in front

of you, while trying to convince him of something or sell him something,

the most correct interpretation is that he shows a negative attitude and is

defensive.

Importance Of Non-Verbal Communication

Nonverbal communication is more important than verbal communication

because according to experts, Nonverbal communication represents

approximately 80% of what we communicate. According to various

investigations, when we meet someone, the opinion we form of him is

based mainly on our perception of his nonverbal expression during the first

minutes. The impressions that we form in that first moment tend to persist.

In addition, it is common that the subsequent behavior of the other person is

not perceived and evaluated objectively, but, in a non-conscious way, we

distort it to make it fit with the first impression that we had formed of it. It

has also been proven that nonverbal messages are interpreted as more

reliable than verbal ones. Thus, if the interlocutor captures incongruity

between the verbal and the nonverbal message, he will believe more the

nonverbal.

In addition, it is important that our body language does not contradict verbal

language because, when both contradict each other, the recipient of the

message tends to interpret it as a lack of authenticity of the person issuing

the message, perceiving it as unreliable.

Components Of Non-Verbal Language

Look

The gaze, which also includes the so-called eye contact or mutual gaze, is

one of the main components of nonverbal communication.

It has been suggested that instinctive interest in eye contact is a survival aid

mechanism because children who get more eye contact from their

caregivers (that is, more attention) are more likely to be well-fed and cared

for. And, when they are somewhat older, being aware of their caregivers'

eyes helps them know if they approve or reject their behavior. That also

favors the adaptation and survival of the child.

There are many types of eye contact, from prolonged (such as lovers who

stare into each other's eyes) to short (when we look at someone who we

think does not like to be stared), passing through the intermittent (e.g.,

which we use in a conversation to see if others pay attention to us).

The look is used both to issue messages and to receive them and has a very

important role in the conversation in which it fulfills various functions, such

as:

Synchronize, accompany or confer meanings to the spoken word

Show interest or other attitudes towards the message of the interlocutor

Capture their nonverbal messages

Help to open and close the communication Regular and handle the word

shifts

Communication is most effective when the contact Eyepiece is appropriate

to the preferences of each of the participants.

Most of the time, the look is reinforcing. Therefore, if the person who

listens looks more, it usually produces more response from the speaker, and

if the speaker speaks more, it usually causes the impression that he is more

persuasive and confident. But the meaning of eye contact may differ greatly

depending on the form and context in which it is carried out. Let's look at

some examples:

Let's look more at the people we like. The extreme case is that of lovers,

who are the ones who look at each other the most.

Establishing eye contact with a person is usually a sign of involvement

while looking away usually reflects the desire to avoid contact. People who

look more are often considered more pleasant, but a look that is too fixed

and continuous can be perceived as threatening or provocative or indicate

bad education.

Looking away by looking down usually indicates shyness, nervousness or

submission. But sometimes it can mean rejection or feelings of superiority.

A subordinate usually looks more while listening to the superior, than when

it is the superior who listens to the subordinate.

If you look little at the interlocutor, it is usually perceived as disinterest,

discourtesy, lack of sincerity, lack of honesty, shyness or desire not to get

involved with the other person.

A fairly common gesture related to the gaze is that of winking, often

accompanied by tilting the head. This gesture usually indicates complicity

with the other person, but it can also mean that one should not take

seriously what is being said or simply express a friendly greeting.

Dilation And Contraction Of The Pupils

Our pupils dilate or contract according to the light that reaches them, and in

the clear eyes, they expand or contract to a greater degree.

But, in addition, when we observe something that interests us, pleases or

attracts, the pupils dilate more than would correspond to the ambient light,

while observing something we reject, they contract. These changes occur

involuntarily and without realizing it. Therefore, they can be very useful for

detecting the true feelings of our interlocutor.

Dilated pupils also make the person look more attractive and pleasant.

Thus, in an experiment, a group of men was shown photographs of a

woman with retouched pupils (enlarged or diminished), and when they

looked at the photograph with dilated pupils, it seemed more attractive and

theirs were also dilated.

The messages we emit on a non-conscious level, by dilating our pupils,

have important repercussions on our emotions and in our communication

with others. For example, a lover will feel more emotional excitement if

their partner's pupils dilate and their enthusiasm will decrease if they notice

that they contract; but it is very unlikely that you attribute your emotions to

the dilation of your partner's pupils.

The observation of pupil dilation has been used to study attitudes towards

advertising products or towards political candidates. Being a response that

is not under conscious control, it offers very reliable information about

interest, attraction, and other attitudes.

Facial Expression

The facial expression, together with the look and dilation of the pupils, is

the main signal system that shows emotions. The area around the mouth

contributes to the expression of pleasure if it is turned up, or of displeasure,

if it is down, as can be seen in these popular drawings.

In addition, the face is the part of the interlocutor's body that we watch the

most while we communicate. Therefore, it is very important to be aware of

our expression to better use it and the expression of the face of our

interlocutor to properly interpret their nonverbal messages.

Much of the information about the emotional states of others we get from

the expression on his face. For example, in it, we can capture if our

presence, our behavior or our conversation produces them pleasure, dislike,

interest, fear, etc.

The facial expression of our interlocutor also helps us know how he is

reacting to what we say. For example, your eyebrows may indicate:

disbelief, if they are completely raised; surprise, if they are half-raised;

confusion, if they are half puckered, or angry, if they are completely

puckered.

Although we can feel very diverse emotions, the most common and most

easily recognizable are: joy, sadness, fear, anger, aversion (which would

include disgust and contempt), surprise and interest. In the following table,

you can see facial expressions associated with each of them.

Joy

Smile

Sadness

If it is very intense: tears, tremor, and tendency to hide the face

Dislike - Dwarfing of the eyes, puckering of the lips, wrinkled nose, and

tilted head, as if not to see what causes us the aversion.

Anger - Fixed gaze towards what has caused it, tension, upper teeth closed

very tightly against those below. Sometimes, paleness or redness of the face

Fear - Wide eyes, open mouth, general tremor, paleness or sweating

Interest - Eyes more open than normal, mouth slightly ajar, chin resting on

one hand, head tilted looking at the subject or object that arouses interest

Many times, the facial expression is used to reinforce the verbal message.

For example, if a mother scolds her child, the expression on her face will

indicate if she is really angry.

Facial expressions are constantly changing during communication. Some

are revealed only for a moment; for example, the signs of anxiety on a face

that strives to appear serene and convey well-being. These momentary

expressions are very important since they are the most difficult to control

consciously, so they usually indicate in a more reliable way the true

emotions. For example, you can say that you are delighted to see someone

and even smile but to express your true feelings of displeasure with one of

those expressions.

The control of the expression of the face is taught to us from small as an

important part of the education for the coexistence, and the difficulty to

judge the facial expressions is, in part, because we are used to hiding the

negative emotions.

As with any aspect of body language, our facial expression should be

consistent with the other messages we are communicating. For example, if

we maintain a mocking facial expression while apologizing to someone we

have offended; we are likely to irritate him even more.

To maintain satisfactory interpersonal relationships, it is considered that the

most appropriate is to be able to express emotions, but not in excess, or in

an uncontrolled way, or being excessively transparent.

Smile

The smile is very important in communication. It can convey to others that

we are doing our best to please them, and that message usually facilitates

interpersonal relationships.

Carnegie advises using the smile to improve our relationships, but: “Not

rigidly, superficially and falsely; because other aspects of your verbal or

nonverbal language would contradict you and others would capture

incongruity and falsehood in you.” He considers that: “It must be a true

smile, a sincere smile that comes from within and expresses your joy of

being with the other person,” since: “A true smile expresses the feeling that

the other person likes you and that you feel happy to see her.”

As with other nonverbal messages, when someone smiles, it influences

others, and without even realizing it, they also tend to smile. The smile

serves to convey that one person likes another. That is why it is widely used

to initiate sexual-affective relationships.

It also facilitates communication and helps indicate the type of

communication desired. It is the most used expression to hide other

negative emotions. For example, an athlete who loses to an opponent will

try to smile to hide his frustration.

The use of the smile to hide other moods is due to its wide use in

communication (e.g., when greeting or thanking something) and also

because it is very easy to reproduce at will.

We can differentiate many types of smile. The main one is the one that

expresses a positive emotional experience, which is usually a more intense

and lasting smile than the others. But there is also the muffled smile

(concealing the positive feeling), the sad, the seductive, the mitigating

(aimed at filing the rough edges of an unpleasant or critical message), the

compliance (recognizing that something unpleasant must be accepted

without questioning), that of fear, that of disdain, etc. In certain

circumstances, a smile can also express aggression, sarcasm or other

negative feelings (e.g., if we smile at a setback of the interlocutor).

Head Movements

The position of the head and, above all, the movements of the head, can

communicate different messages. For example, keeping your head high and

slightly tilted back usually indicates a haughty or even aggressive attitude

(especially if accompanied by other gestures such as staring, grimacing of

contempt, etc.). Instead, keeping it low often expresses submission, sadness

or even depression.

One of the most used head movements in nonverbal communication is

assent. It means agreement, affirmation or approval, so it is very useful to

communicate when we are unable to do it verbally; For example, when we

speak different languages.

Head assents also play an important role in the conversation. On the part of

the listener, they can indicate agreement and interest in what the other says,

and act as a reinforcement of some verbalizations of the interlocutor, by

showing our pleasure for them, with what they encourage him to keep

talking. On the part of the speaker, the slight assent and other movements

such as tilting the head to the side, help to emphasize certain messages.

Sometimes, nodding quickly can also mean the desire to end the

conversation.

The gesture of moving the head horizontally from side to side has the

opposite meaning to the previous one, showing that we disagree with

something. Head movements are also used as a sign of greeting and

recognition. As with other aspects of body language, when we listen to

someone, we tend to imitate their head movements without realizing it.

Body Position And Orientation

The body position that we adopt in each situation depends on cultural

conventions and also on the attitudes we maintain or show towards others.

Each of us has a series of typical body positions, which often allow us to be

recognized from afar by them. Our positions can also provide information

about our mood and our way of being. For example, optimistic, confident or

dominant people tend to adopt more upright positions than depressed,

inhibited or shy people.

Positive attitudes towards others tend to be accompanied by a relaxed and

forward-looking posture, and when two people like each other, they tend to

lean towards each other. Instead, negative or hostile attitudes are often

associated with a backward posture.

Crossed arms may indicate distancing toward the other person. On the other

hand, if the arms fall relaxed to the sides of the body, it is usually

interpreted as a sign of openness, accessibility and willingness to

communicate.

Women, when sitting, tend to have their arms in an open position if they are

with someone they like. But if they keep their arms crossed over their chest,

they usually express indifference, dislike, and restlessness. People usually

imitate the body postures of others, especially when there is a good tuning.

Body posture changes can also be used to change the topic of conversation,

emphasize what we say or take and give the floor. It is considered that

people with more HH SS tend to move during the conversation to a greater

degree than those who have few HH SS, and that standing in front of the

interlocutor with an upright body position, adds more assertiveness to the

message issued.

The term body orientation refers to the degree to which the shoulders and

legs of a subject are directed towards (or deviate from) the person with

whom they are communicating. Positive attitudes towards the interlocutor

are associated with a body orientation characterized by shoulders, legs, feet

or hands directed towards him. An orientation towards another place

communicates coldness in an interpersonal encounter.

Standing, if two people speak privately or do not want to be interrupted,

they will maintain an orientation in which the two are facing each other. If

they admit the presence of other people, their orientation will vary, forming

an open angle towards third parties.

In a meeting, when a person wishes to leave, they usually turn their bodies

or feet in the direction of the exit. And when you are talking in a group,

keeping one foot in the direction of one of the people who are part of it

usually shows interest in it.

Hand Gestures

The hands are the most visible and expressive part of the body after the

face. The main function of hand gestures in interpersonal communication is

to accompany speech, emphasizing and complementing what we say. Thus,

they help to synchronize the conversation; give feedback to the interlocutor;

illustrate objects or actions that are difficult to verbalize; intensify verbal

messages or contradict those messages.

Leg And Foot Movements

In most interpersonal interactions, when we are talking to someone, our

attention is focused on their face. But the legs and feet are the areas that can

give us more authentic communication since they escape more easily to

voluntary control.

Many times, the tensions that occur in an interaction are expressed by the

movements of the feet and legs. For example, the continuous change in the

position of the legs, the tight tightening or the rhythmic oscillations up-

down of the foot usually express that the person is tense. Sometimes, it can

be interpreted as a sign that you want to leave.

Proximity Or Distance

Interpersonal space, that is, the distance we maintain when communicating

with other people, influences the quality of communication and how we feel

in it. Some individuals (or groups) need more space than others, but we also

tend to be closer to those who like us and further from those who dislike us.

Personal space has important repercussions on communication: for

example, we do not feel upset when we look at a stranger who approaches

the street while he is away; but, if it gets too close, we feel uncomfortable if

we maintain eye contact, unless we make a gesture of communication, such

as a smile or a greeting.

When we find ourselves in confined spaces, such as in an elevator or in a

crowded public transport, the decrease in the interpersonal distance usually

causes discomfort and leads us to look away towards the other side so that

there is no eye contact; not talk to others; maintain an inexpressive face;

simulate that we are reading; etc.

If the lack of personal space is very prolonged it can produce tension,

physiological overactivation, hostility, and discomfort.

Physical Contact

In our early years, touch is the main means of communication. When a

child or a newborn animal is prevented from maintaining physical contact

with other members of its species, they suffer serious psychological and

even physical damage, and may eventually die. After childhood, in our

culture, physical contact is quite restricted, except in intimate

communication.

We can distinguish several types of physical contact:

Professional: for example, a doctor examining a patient.

Social-courteous: shake hands or help someone put on their coat.

Friendly-affective: patting the back.

Intimate-loving: caress, kiss or make love.

Body contact usually indicates proximity and solidarity when used

reciprocally. But it can also express a situation of greater power in the

person who carries it out when used in only one direction.

Physical contact with people we like and following socially established

guidelines usually produces well-being and favorably predisposes towards

those who establish it. But a physical contact perceived as inappropriate can

be unpleasant and put us against whoever does it.

Personal Appearance And Physical Attractiveness

Our appearance has a very important effect on how others perceive us

globally; that is, in that they have a positive or negative image of us. The

physical attractiveness has been extensively investigated and generally

admitted including the following components: healthy and well-arranged

hair; front cleared; light eyes; thin complexion; equal teeth; symmetry in

facial features, and coincidence with fashion.

Although some of these components cannot be modified, we can improve

our image in many aspects; For example: change our hairstyle, dye our hair

or dress in different ways. We can improve our appearance by taking care of

our hairstyle.

Physical attractiveness is very important in interpersonal relationships, not

only because of what it represents in itself but also because people tend to

evaluate as more positive the personality of those, they consider more

attractive. Consequently, more favorable attitudes towards them are

maintained.

Because attractive people tend to elicit more positive assessments and

behaviors from others, they tend to be safer and more assertive. Thus,

several studies have found that more attractive women have more self-

esteem than less attractive women, although this relationship has not been

found in men.

Research shows that we tend to minimize - on a conscious level - the effect

that other people's physical attractiveness produces on us and that we tend

to underestimate the importance we attach to our own image, even if we

spend a lot of money trying to improve it. Physical attractiveness is

especially important when establishing emotional-sexual relationships,

especially in the case of women, but also in men. Beauty causes attraction

and sexual activation, although it is also true that this activation makes the

couple perceived as more beautiful and attractive.

Despite the importance of physical attractiveness, deficits in this area can

be compensated with the development of HH SS and emotional skills,

which also serve to gain respect and appreciation from other people.

In addition, people with HH SS may be perceived as more attractive. For

example, an investigation found that subjects who scored high on HH SS

were evaluated - by their acquaintances - as physically more attractive than

by those who did not know them (and therefore ignored their HH SS).

Non-Verbal Components Of Speech

They are those components that are elated to how things are said, as

opposed to what is said (or verbal communication). The most important are:

volume, tone, timbre, clarity, speed, emphasis, fluency, signals such as

"um,” "eh,” etc., pauses and hesitations.

These components can reaffirm or contradict what is said and, at times, they

can totally change the meaning of what we communicate. For example, a

simple "yes" can express various feelings such as anger, frustration,

resignation, fear, disinterest, agreement, etc.

As for the volume of speech, it should not be too high or too low. If it is too

low, it may indicate submission, fear or sadness (and result in our

interlocutor ignoring or irritating us). But speaking too loudly suggests

aggressiveness, anger, arrogance or coarseness. Changes in voice volume

can be used to emphasize certain issues and to make the conversation more

enjoyable.

As regards intonation, this serves to communicate feelings and emotions.

Thus, the phrase "I hope you call me" can express hope, anger, sarcasm,

excitement or disinterest, depending on the tone of voice used. In addition,

as we underline one word or another it can have different meanings, for

example: "I hope you call me" (I doubt you will, but I would like to), "I

hope you call me" (do not call anyone but me), etc.

The so-called speech disturbances are the excessive use of filler words

during pauses, (such as "eh" or "good"), and repetitions, stuttering, etc. If

too many occur, they can give the impression of insecurity, clumsiness,

little interest or anxiety.

Pauses and silences are a normal and desirable part of communication.

They can serve to emphasize something that has been said or to reorder

ideas before continuing to speak. But if they are excessive, they can

indicate that the speaker is nervous or lies or be interpreted as contempt or

anger.

The response latency. It is the interval of silence between the termination of

the sentence issued by an individual and the beginning of another by its

interlocutor. Too long latencies are perceived as passivity and disinterest,

while excessively short ones (as well as interruptions) are interpreted as

disrespectful or even aggressive.

Gestural Tuning

The investigation has identified a phenomenon called gestural tuning which

means that while a person speaks, their gestures and body movements are in

tune with what they express verbally and with the movements or gestures of

the interlocutor.

For example, when two friends are together, they tend to sit in the same

way, placing their arms and legs in the same position, or one is placed in

reverse as if it were an image reflected in the mirror. And, when one crosses

hands, legs or arms, the other tends to imitate it. This is called keeping

congruent figures.

Several investigations have revealed that in a conversation, when two

people use the same type of gestures and body movements or when they are

in tune, they perceive more similarities between the two and like each other

much more.

The tuning in the nonverbal language can occur through components as

diverse as volume and tone of voice; rhythm and speed of speech; pauses;

postures; the way of looking, breathing pattern; gestures and facial

expressions; hand movements and gestures; head tilt, etc. For example, the

listener can tune the movements of the interlocutor's hands with small head

movements, accompanying his breathing rhythm with the other's tone of

voice or maintaining a mirror body position.

When two people maintain a tuned body language, they are very likely to

match their thinking and feelings. Pease points out some characteristics of

this type of communication:

When two people are in tune, if one of them crosses his arms, puts a hand in

his pocket or supports the weight of his body on the other foot, the other

will tend to do same, as long as they both agree.

Tuning in a nonverbal language is especially prevalent among good friends

and among people of the same status. For example, it is very common for

two well-married spouses to walk, take a seat and move in a similar way.

People who don't know each other or who get along tend to avoid adopting

the same body position.

When we observe that our interlocutor copies our gestures or our body

position, it usually means that he is predisposed in our favor and that he

feels in tune with us. The way to tune in body language between two or

more people indicates which one leads the initiative. Tuning is very

important in interpersonal communication because it facilitates sympathy

and trust since, when we feel “in tune” with our interlocutor, we have the

feeling that he understands us and that we are similar.

This tuning of body language, like other forms of nonverbal

communication, is not usually perceived on a conscious level, although we

can learn to pay more attention and become more aware of it, as the first

step to improve it.

Chapter 7 - Conversations and

Effective Communication

Conversations and Communication

Conversations are exchanges of verbal and nonverbal messages, carried out

between two or more people, and constitute the main way of

communicating and relating to others, sharing thoughts, opinions, and

feelings.

Although almost all of us are capable of holding conversations, our ability

to develop in them can differ quite a bit: there are people with whom we

feel like talking and it is easy to communicate and others with whom the

opposite happens. Being a good conversationalist is very important, both to

initiate relationships of various kinds and to maintain them and make them

productive and satisfying.

The ability to talk and communicate with others is an antidote against social

isolation. This is important since loneliness and lack of communication

often produce negative emotions and predispose to emotional disturbances

such as anxiety or depression. Instead, the ability to communicate and feel

supported by other people improves our mood and our ability to manage

stress or overcome any adversity. Interpersonal communication also helps

us to get to know ourselves better and improve our self-esteem and our

emotional intelligence.

Non-Assertive Attitudes When Initiating, Maintaining Or Closing

Conversations

Some people tend to be inhibited: avoiding as much as possible the

beginning or maintenance of conversations, speaking little, avoiding

expressing their opinions or feelings and letting others take the initiative

always. This attitude leads them to lose many opportunities to

communicate, establish relationships and get what they want; as well as

feeling bad about themselves.

On the contrary, other people maintain “aggressive” attitudes when

communicating, since they do not respect the rules, talk too much, interrupt

others, always want to be the center of attention, and try to impose their

interests and opinions. This usually results in the rejection of others.

Inhibited or aggressive attitudes toward maintaining conversations are

usually based on irrational ideas.

Start Conversations

As Galassi points out, we have the right to try to communicate and talk with

other people when we are interested or want to. Most people like to talk to

others and, therefore, tend to respond favorably when we try to

communicate with them. But when others do not want it, the right thing is

that we recognize their right to act like this and respect it, without trying to

force them to talk or communicate with us.

In the first phase, the most important thing is the nonverbal language, both

yours and that of the other person. Before starting a conversation, it is

interesting to observe the nonverbal language of the other to deduce if he is

more or less willing to talk. It is also important to take care of your body

language: trying to show interest and pleasure; showing you friendly and

relaxed; looking; smiling and taking care of the verbal and nonverbal tuning

with your interlocutor.

We have the right to try to communicate with others when we are interested

or want to do so. The most appropriate way to start a conversation will

depend on the situation; of your goals and purposes (e.g., knowing the other

person); of the objectives and interests of your interlocutor, and of the social

rules implicit in each situation.

Usually, a greeting or introduction is made and then a comment or question

is asked about something pleasant, positive or that you think may interest

the other. Some concrete forms and examples would be:

Greet the other person by saying: “Hello! How are you? How are you? ,”

etc., or introduce yourself, saying: “Hello! My name is ... and I am ... "

(giving you some information about yourself that may interest you).

Talk about topics to break the ice: “What a bad weather today.”

Make a comment or a question about the situation in which the

conversation occurs, such as: “What a beautiful landscape you can see from

here!” Ask if you can join the activity carried out by the other or if the other

wants to join yours: "Do you want to sit with us?"

Make sincere compliments about the other or about the situation: "Your talk

has been very interesting."

Offer something: "Do you fancy a drink?"

Ask for information, help, advice or opinion: "Can you tell me the time?"

Be interested in the other one by asking a kind question: "I found your

comment very interesting, why do you think ...?"; “It seems that you are

looking for someone, can I help you?” etc.

How To Get Into An Already Started Conversation

When we want to participate in a conversation that other people are having,

it is recommended to follow the following guidelines:

Think about whether it is appropriate for you to enter the conversation,

taking into account: your objectives (e.g., if you find it necessary, desirable,

etc.), the goals or desires of others, their nonverbal language, etc.

Observe before intervening, to try to tune in to the people who are

communicating.

Wait for a break or hesitation to occur and start with a question or an

opinion on the topic being discussed.

As for nonverbal language, it is usually useful: look at the speaker; make a

hand gesture - for example, raise a hand as if asking permission to speak;

position yourself so that you are visible to the group; position your body,

arms and feet facing the speaker, or touch his arm slightly. Do not get into

the conversation by interrupting the speaker and do not try to change the

subject or express your disagreement with others too soon or too sharply.

Hold Conversations

When talking with someone, one of the main objectives is usually to make

the talk pleasant and interesting. For this, it is very important to be aware of

non-verbal language, both of our own and that of our interlocutor (to

capture how he feels and how he reacts to what we say).

Once the conversation has started, there are several ways to keep it or

expand it:

Make a comment and then ask the other person about their point of view on

that topic. For example: “I found the book quite good; What do you think?"

Listen carefully to the responses or comments of the other, capturing any

detail that can be used to continue the conversation. If you feel like talking

to you, it will surely offer you spontaneous information that helps you find

topics of common interest.

Answer the interlocutor's questions by adding some additional information.

So, if he asks you “What part of the book did you like?” Then, instead of

simply answering laconically: “The first part,” you can give a broader

explanation, such as: “The first part; because it explains it in a very

interesting and easy to understand way… ,” etc.

Also, give some personal information about what you like, dislike, etc. .;

but taking care that it is not so personal that it seems out of place.

Do not talk excessively and respect the pauses in conversations.

Many times, it is useful to take advantage of pauses to return to a previous

topic or, as a transition, to address a new topic.

Kelly considers that the main components of the ability to hold

conversations are: adequate eye contact, emotional expression (being calm,

warm, cordial, vivacious, etc.), the duration of the interventions (that is not

too short or long) , the use of pertinent questions, information about oneself

and the use of reinforcing comments (e.g., sincere praise).

Ending Conversations

Ending conversations assertively usually consists of knowing how to close

them whenever we want and doing so in a pleasant and friendly way. At this

point we can consider two problematic attitudes: 1) that of those who tend

to extend the conversation more than their interlocutor wants and, 2) that of

those who are unable to cut the other, even if they are willing to do so.

People in the first group, who extend their conversation too much, do not

usually realize that the other is upset.

To prevent this from happening, it is convenient to be very aware of the

non-verbal language of the interlocutor (signs of discomfort, looks at the

clock, grimaces, etc.) and of any comment that seems to indicate his desire

to end the conversation. In case of doubt, we can ask: "Are you in a

hurry?,” "Would you rather we speak at another time?” etc.

As for people who have difficulty cutting the conversation (when their

interlocutor insists on continuing to talk beyond what they won't), their

attitude may be due to excessive fear of disturbing the other, shyness or not

knowing how to end assertive conversations.

Being able to end (properly) a conversation when we want it is an important

skill. Otherwise, we lose the freedom to do what we really want. In

addition, we get in a bad mood and this is usually transmitted through our

nonverbal language, making it difficult for effective communication to take

place.

Assertive Ways To End Conversations

Once we have a clear goal - to end the conversation without the interlocutor

feeling annoyed - we can use some assertive way to do it, as in the

following examples:

Communicate kindly that you want to finish: “Excuse me, but I have to go.”

Summarize what we have talked about and express our desire to end the

conversation: "Well, we have agreed that ... Do you think we will call each

other as soon as we have news?"

Reinforce the other person, expressing some positive feeling towards her,

before expressing our desire to end the conversation: "Whenever I am with

you, I have a great time, but I have pending work." Use nonverbal

language: look at the clock, stand up, etc.

If the other asks if you are in a hurry, say clearly yes and sometimes list the

things you have to do.

Defer the continuation of the conversation to another time, telling you, for

example: "I'm sorry, but I have to go. Are we still talking tomorrow?"

What To Do If Your Interlocutor Refuses To End The Conversation

If your interlocutor tends to continue speaking after communicating your

desire to end the conversation, you can gradually withdraw the eye contact

and the signals that you are listening to him (e.g., stopping nod to your

words). And, when you pause your speech, take the opportunity to repeat

that you have to leave, that you will continue talking, etc.

If it takes too long to pause, you can say looking into his eyes and gently

touching his arm: "I'm sorry, but I have to go" or "Sorry to interrupt you,

but I have to finish this job," etc. In these cases, the non-verbal language is

very important, which must be firm and kind. With some people, it is

convenient that we stay to talk in their field (e.g., at home or in your office)

or in a neutral place, such as a cafeteria, because it will be easier for us to

finish and leave, than if the conversation takes place in our house or our

office.

Skills To Talk And Communicate Effectively

As we have seen in the previous chapter, a very important aspect of

interpersonal communication is nonverbal language. While keeping in mind

its importance, in this section we present a series of skills that favor the

maintenance of conversations and effective communication in them.

Ask Appropriate Questions

Asking questions properly facilitates communication. For this, the questions

must be timely and cordial; focus on issues that interest the interlocutor, and

not be excessively closed or open. In addition, care must be taken that they

do not bother the other, (e.g., because we seem to be interrogating him or

because they are too personal or difficult to answer).

The closed questions are those that seek a concrete and brief answer, such

as: “Where are you from?,” “Do you prefer to go to the cinema or go for a

walk?” etc. They are very useful for obtaining specific information but, if

used in excess, make communication difficult.

Open questions invite you to answer more broadly and freely. For example:

“What do you think about the movie?,” “What are your plans?” Etc. These

types of questions favor communication since they help the conversation

reach greater interest and depth.

The questions also serve to:

Direct the conversation towards the topics that interest you or interest you

both. For example: "What did you think of the movie?"

Change the content and topic of the conversation, such as: "By the way, do

you know anything about Juan?"

Move from one level of communication to another, for example, from one

more superficial to another more intimate, saying: "I look very serious, do

you feel good?"

Resume the conversation when an unwanted pause occurs, rescuing an issue

that we have discussed previously in the conversation or introducing

another that seems interesting to us, such as: How was your trip?

Use The Information That Others Provide Us

When our interlocutor offers us any relevant information, we should

consider it and use it in the conversation. For example, we can ask you

questions or comments about it or give you similar information about

ourselves.

Suppose you meet a partner and say: "I have not seen you for a long time"

and he replies: "I have been sick." In such a case, it is appropriate to ask

you any questions about the information you have been given. For example,

you can ask: “Are you all right?” or make a comment that gives you the

opportunity to continue talking about it, if you wish. These types of

questions or comments, made in an appropriate way, facilitate

communication.

The information offered by our interlocutor can also be transmitted through

their non-verbal language: gestures, smile, clothes, tone of voice,

appearance ... and we can also use that "information" of the other person to

ask questions or comments. For example: “I see that you are very dark,

have you been going to the beach?” etc.

When using the information provided by the other, it is important to capture

and take into account their feelings. These will be revealed mainly through

non-verbal messages, which we can also use to ask you questions, for

example: "Are you tired?"

Let Us Know (Self-Revelations)

Assertive behavior includes being able to talk about ourselves, who we are,

how we live, what we do and what we expect from life and foster that same

attitude in the people with whom we interact. Self-disclosure consists of

properly communicating information about ourselves: how we think, feel

and react; of our problems, desires and projects, or of our lifestyle.

Although human beings are much more interested in themselves than in

their peers, others also want to know about us, about our thoughts, opinions,

interests, and way of being; of our work, our hobbies and our projects. And

they also want to know what we think and feel about them.

Generally, there comes a time when it is appropriate to show what we think

and feel, at least to some degree. If we never talk about ourselves, our

interlocutors will consider us mysterious people and, after a while, they will

tend to think that we are unreliable, that we are putting barriers in

communication or that we have nothing to say and will move away from us.

If we never talk about ourselves, others will feel uncomfortable or move

away.

Self- disclosure allows communication to flow. For example, if you are in a

meeting, talking to someone you have just met and ask: "Do you live near

here?,” If you just answer "yes" or "no,” you close the communication. On

the other hand, if you respond by communicating something more about

yourself, such as: "No, I live in such a place, near ...,” that additional

information you offer (self-disclosure) facilitates communication, by

allowing your interlocutor to make you knew questions, express opinions

about what you have said, etc.

As Smith points out, self-revelations include expressing our feelings. For

example, if a friend borrows the car from us, we can resist lending it and

invent a thousand reasons to justify ourselves; but it is easier and more

convincing to recognize openly that if we lend our car to someone, we have

a bad time, which is a perfect “reason” for not doing so.

Levels Of Communication

When making ourselves known and asking questions to meet the

interlocutor, it is advisable to be cautious to avoid things due to which the

other can feel bad, have a bad image of us or even use the personal

information we give him so that it hurts us. Therefore, we usually start

talking with phrases, and then we talk about external events, after opinions

and, finally, feelings.

Let's look at an example of communication at each of those levels:

Phrases made: "Hello, how are you?"

Facts or events: "I've met some friends to go to the movies."

Opinions: "I prefer humor movies.”

Feelings: "I feel quite stressed this season and that's why I prefer to watch

funny movies.”

This progression in terms of the level of communication is usually observed

both in terms of the course followed in most conversations and in the

establishment of relationships, in which progress is also made from a more

superficial level to a deeper one. When this progression is not respected and

one of the participants exposes or collects information too personal or too

soon, the other tends to feel bad and is considered a social skills deficit.

For example, when we start a conversation with a stranger trying to make

friends with him or looking for relationships of an emotional or sexual

nature (in Spain, "flirting"), it is usually better to approach him with a

pretext, hiding our true intention, since if we are too direct, the other may

feel overwhelmed.

As mutual knowledge is produced, there is usually a relationship of greater

trust and the content of the communication can become more personal, deep

or intimate. Ideally, let them know in a reciprocal way. Show them little by

little, making it easier for the other to want to know more and to show, at

the same time, how he is. Normally people become known gradually and

symmetrically. It is rare for one of the interlocutors to be known much more

than the other.

Here, it is also important to tune into the interlocutor and not force the

advance in the communication levels more quickly than the other wants, or

without taking into account the social rules implicit in each situation or

social group.

The process of becoming known can be stimulated if we ask questions,

show interest in the answers that the other gives us and make comments,

relating what he tells us about himself with our personal information.

Another way to stimulate this process is to offer the information we want to

obtain from the other. For example, if we are interested in knowing your

name, you will most likely tell us if we tell you ours. The same tends to

happen with other personal information and even with opinions and

feelings.

Active Listening And Reformulation

Knowing how to listen is an important aspect of the ability to hold

conversations. Active listening consists of listening carefully to our

interlocutor, with appropriate body language and asking him questions and

comments that show that our interest in what counts is authentic.

Active listening is closely related to empathy. It involves trying to put

ourselves in the place of the other to understand their point of view and be

attentive to what they communicate - verbally and nonverbally - to capture

not only their explicit messages but also the implicit ones, more related to

their feelings and intentions.

It also implies curbing our tendency to talk more about the account, give

premature advice, give our opinion, make judgments about what they tell us

or try to encourage our interlocutor before they have heard enough.

One way to facilitate active listening is that while listening to the other, let

us ask ourselves: "What is it about transmitting to me?,” "How do you

feel?” etc. When we maintain that attitude, the other tends to feel that we

are good conversationalists and that it is very pleasant to talk with us.

Active listening is often combined with reformulation. The reformulation

consists in summarizing with our words, the content of the message of our

interlocutor and then, asking him to confirm if we have reflected well what

he wanted to tell us, or if we have distorted or omitted something.

It serves to help us capture the message of the other, correct any possible

distortion in our perception of it and convey that we are understanding. For

example, if a wife says to her husband: “We never go to the movies,” this

may mean that she is bored, that she wants to watch a certain movie or that

she does not feel like staying at home. If he suspects that this may be the

case, the husband may ask: Do you mean that you would like us to go out

today?

So you can check, through the wife's response, if she has captured her initial

message well or if she wanted to express something else. If your answer is

not clear, you can rephrase it again, asking again to confirm if you have

understood correctly.

The reformulation may include reflecting the feelings of the interlocutor.

For example, if the wife in the previous example shows a very irritated

nonverbal language, the reformulation of her feelings by her husband could

be: "It seems that you are not feeling well.”

Other ways of expressing the reformulation would be: "I get the impression

that ... Is that so?" Or "I will summarize what I think you said. If I have not

understood you well, I will thank you for correcting me until I can

understand you,” etc.

In the following dialogue between two friends, we can see how one of them

(friend 2) uses the reformulation to clarify what the other (friend 1) meant.

- Friend 1: I'm sick of my roommate. She makes noise at bedtime and

does not help with housework. I cannot stand it. I would kill her!

- Friend 2: You mean it makes you so furious that you would like to

kill her?

- Friend 1: No, it's not that; but I would like to lose sight of her

forever.

- Friend 2: So, what you mean is that you want her to leave without

giving her any explanation?

- Friend 1: No, that's not it, but I can't keep shutting up any longer.

To continue like this, I would prefer to change my flat.

- Friend 2: So, what you would like to do is talk seriously with her to

try to fix things, and if they don't manage to find you another home?

- Friend 1: Yes, that's exactly what I want!

Active listening with reformulation facilitates communication because:

The recipient of the message receives it and understands with the minimum

possible distortions because instead of assuming that his first interpretation

is valid and responding according to it, he takes into account our tendency

to distort and is willing to correct any misperception. The sender listens and

analyzes the reformulation of his message made by his interlocutor and

corrects it if it does not match what he meant.

It indicates interest and acceptance towards the other person, so it helps to

improve their self-esteem.

It encourages and maintains the conversation because by showing interest

and empathy towards what the interlocutor says, he tends to broaden his

comments, feel comfortable and communicate more sincerely and deeply.

It makes us more pleasant and reinforcing for the other, which will have an

impact on improving the interpersonal relationship.

It can also be useful to encourage active listening and reformulation in our

interlocutor. One way to do this is through our example (given the tendency

we have to tune in). On some occasions (e.g., when we believe it is very

important that the other person correctly understands what we have said) we

can ask him directly, saying something similar to: “I would be grateful if

you would tell me what you have understood from what I have told you.”

According to Garner, active listening with reformulation is especially useful

when: 1) you are not sure you understand what the other person wants to

tell you; 2) the communication carries a strong emotional load or, 3) the

message is very important for you or your interlocutor.

Make And Receive Compliments

Make Sincere Compliments

Praise is the expression of a positive thought or feeling towards another

person. Many times, they contain the recognition that the other has a trait or

quality that we like. They can refer to their behavior (e.g., "you are a very

good friend"), their appearance (e.g., "that haircut fits you very well") or

something that belongs to you (e.g., " I really like your house”).

Praise is very important in interpersonal relationships because, by

highlighting the positive aspects of the other person, they help you improve

your self-esteem, which is the main need of any human being.

Helping to satisfy this important motivation makes the person who is

accustomed to making sincere compliments more attractive and that others

are predisposed to please them as much as possible. There are many other

reasons why it is important to praise and express appreciation when the

behavior of the other person justifies it. Among them, we can point out the

following:

We all like to hear sincere positive expressions about us.

Expressing what we like about the other improves and strengthens

interpersonal relationships.

If a person usually receives praise, they are less likely to feel rejected by the

other when a conflict or discrepancy arises.

When we have to express some negative feeling or defend our legitimate

rights before another person, confrontations or misunderstandings are less

likely if we have previously expressed feelings of pleasure and sincere and

frequent praise towards the other, since a positive climate will have been

created. If a person experiences positive feeling towards someone, he has

the right to express it, regardless of whether or not that person shares that

point of view.

For Garner, praise is more effective if the following requirements are met:

Take care that they are liked by the one to whom we address it.

Try to make them seem sincere (it is not enough that they are).

Take care that our nonverbal language is congruent with verbal.

Accompany praise with other positive attitudes that show interest and

respect.

Express opinions and personal feelings, such as "I like ...,” "I feel very good

when you do ...” etc., more than doing global assessments, such as: "You

are excellent."

Specify what you like about each other. For example, instead of: "You are

very kind," say, "I thank you for listening and encouraging me."

Praise other people that we know will transmit them to the interested party.

Transmit something positive to the other that a third person has said about

him. Try not to appear false and interested; For example, do not do them

when we are asking for a favor.

If the other has a hard time accepting them, make it easier by adding a

question. That way you won't be forced to respond to the praise if you don't

want to. If you say: “I love your haircut; Has your usual hairdresser cut it

off?” He can bypass the compliment and focus on the question about who

cut it.

Accept Praise Assertively

Accept naturally the praise that others make us is also a part of HH SS and

assertiveness. When we get used to praising and showing appreciation to

the people around us, better relationships are usually established and others

also tend to give us more praise, which is beneficial for everyone. In order

for others to feel good in praising us and continuing to do them, it is

convenient that we get used to listening to them with pleasure, without

ignoring or denying them and without being uncomfortable when we

receive them.

To respond to the compliments assertively, Garner offers the following tips:

When they praise you, the most appropriate answer is to show some

appreciation, thank them, smile, etc.

If they ask you next to a question, it will be enough for you to thank and

focus on answering the question. For example, if they tell you: “How good

this work has been: did it cost you a lot to prepare it?” You can answer: “I'm

glad you like it; I had to consult several books.”

If the praise is direct and does not go along with any questions, the right

thing is that you look into the eyes, smile, say thank you and, sometimes,

say how you feel when you receive it. For example: "I'm glad you

appreciate it because I've tried hard to do it.”

Try not to devalue or deny the praise because the other could feel rejected.

Even if you disagree, it should be recognized that the other person can see it

that way. If you do not agree with the praise received, you can kindly

respond: "Thank you, you see that you look at me with good eyes,” or

another similar expression.

As Smith points out, the root of assertiveness is “being your own judge,”

that is, evaluating yourself according to your own frame of reference, not

based on what other people think of you. If you are clear, the praise (or

criticism) of others will not be too important, since your self-esteem will be

unconditional and your self-image will depend on your own positive,

flexible and realistic evaluation, and will not suffer the fluctuations of the

changing opinion of the people around you.

Agree As Much As Possible (Do Not Argue Or Take The Opposite)

Some people consider any exchange of opinions or different ideas as a

battle in which one loses or wins, thinking that one is absolutely right and

the other is totally wrong. But it is an irrational attitude since most issues

can be viewed differently, from different points of view, and it is better to

accept the other's right to see things as he sees them.

On the other hand, when we tend to disagree too much with others, they

often feel that we do not understand them or that we think they are wrong.

That can produce negative emotions and can even perceive it as an attack

on their self-esteem, so it predisposes them against us. Therefore, it is better

that, if someone makes a statement that in our judgment is wrong, if we

wish to communicate it, let us do it cautiously by telling him, for example:

"I see it differently, but maybe I am wrong.”

Robbins points out that some common words — such as the word “but” -

that can cause negative reactions in our interlocutor. For example, when you

explain something to another person and she responds: "What you say is

true, but ...,” the message that comes to you is that that person tells you that

it is not true what you have explained or that, in everything case, it is

irrelevant.

Therefore, it is advisable to avoid, whenever possible, the word "but,” using

instead more neutral or conciliatory ones that do not show opposition to the

message of the interlocutor. Some examples would be: “What you say is

true and now, if you allow me, I will explain my way of seeing it”; "I think

your opinion is very interesting and, from my point of view ...,” "I think

you're right and ..." Another option is to use the word "but,” taking care that

the tone of voice and the whole of our message is empathetic and kind.

If, when communicating with someone, we tell you that we disagree with

him, it is quite likely that he feels upset and predisposes against us. On the

other hand, if we say something similar to: “Your opinion seems very

interesting in such aspects and I would like you to hear how I see it and tell

me what you think,” we can talk about our point of view, even if it differs

from yours, without counteracting or causing negative reactions.

It is about agreeing, if possible, with the content of the other's

communication. But, above all, to show respect and understanding. This

way you will feel respected even if we express a different point of view

from yours because we will not be contrary. For this, we must not lie since

we can always understand the opinion of the other - even if we do not share

it - and we can respect it since, if we were in its place and saw things as he

sees them, we would think the same way.

In addition, we can almost always find something to respect, appreciate or

admit in the opinions expressed by others, even if we disagree with them. It

is not about denying our views but expressing them in a more flexible,

conciliatory, intelligent and effective way.

Thus we can exchange different opinions without getting to argue or get

angry; we will get used to respecting and appreciating the point of view of

others, instead of tending to disqualify it and our interlocutor will not be

able to argue or bother with us because “we will not allow it” (as the saying

goes: “If one does not want to, they don't fight”).

Exercises To Improve Self-Esteem

Positive Self-Image

Everyone comments on three things they like about themselves

(appearance, way of being or behaving, etc.). If any participant is unable to

express themselves, the coordinator asks others to point out things of that

person that they find positive or pleasant.

The Tree Of Your Self-Esteem

Distribute a folio to each assistant and ask each one to draw a tree that will

represent their self-esteem. It has to include a series of roots, which will

indicate their skills or qualities (e.g., tenacity, intelligence, sympathy, etc.),

and some branches, which will symbolize their achievements (e.g., learn to

drive, reconcile with someone, get a degree, get a job, etc.).

It is not about indicating skills and achievements that others consider

important, but those that are important to oneself, even if they are not

important to others.

People, Places, And Activities That Make You Feel Good

Distribute a blank sheet to each attendee and fold it so that it is divided into

three spaces or squares of equal size. In the heading of each box put, in the

first: people who make me feel good; in the second: places that make me

feel good and, in the third: activities that make me feel good.

Reflect for a few minutes, write it down and expose it later. Each of the

participants will comment if they think they tend to take good care of

themselves, trying to enjoy them as much as possible or if they should do it

more frequently.

In the second case, you are encouraged to draw up a plan to actively seek

and enjoy the people, places, and situations that make you feel good.

Conclusion

Thank you for making it through to the end of How To Talk To Anyone, let’s

hope it was informative and able to provide you with all of the tools you

need to achieve your goals whatever they may be.

Finally, to be a good conversationalist and communicate effectively with

others, it is important to keep in mind some messages that favor or hinder

communication. As regards the factors that favor communication, Carnegie

and Strayhorn highlight the following:

Be good listeners, encouraging the other to talk about himself.

Authentic interest in him and talk about what interests him.

Make the other one feel important and do it sincerely.

Always speak with respect and with a positive attitude towards

ourselves and others.

Highlight the points on which we agree.

Try to see things from the point of view of the other (in addition to

seeing them from ours).

Show sympathy for the ideas and wishes of the interlocutor.

Use phrases that express desires and preferences, rather than

demands. For example: "I would like to ..."

Being able to communicate at different levels, talking about external

events and opinions, desires or feelings. Ask the other opinion.

Take care of nonverbal language. For example, tune in to the

nonverbal language of the interlocutor or maintain adequate eye

contact.

Making statements like "you are good,” "you have done something

good" or "that something of yours is good.”

Transmit verbal and nonverbal messages of acceptance of himself

and the interlocutor, admitting mistakes that may be made.

Ask open questions that invite the speaker to speak. For example:

"How are you doing?"

Also, use direct questions that ask for specific information when we

want to obtain specific information.

Ensure that our communication is clear and orderly.

As for the messages that hinder and avoid communication, Carnegie and

Strayhorn point out the following:

Criticize, reproach or defend against criticism by counterattacking. Interrupt

the speaker or make too extensive statements. Show yourself hostile or

aggressive. Some examples would be: making hurtful comments, or using

sarcasm, saying, "Your screams don't bother me, they're like music."

Giving orders or making statements like "you should,” "you shouldn't"

(e.g., say, "you shouldn't be upset,” when it would be preferable to say, "I

worry when I see you upset").

Overgeneralizations, like: "You're always yelling at me," instead of "It

bothers me that you yelled at me."

Ignore the messages of the caller. For example: change the conversation

when the other shows signs of wanting to continue or keep talking when the

other shows that you want to end.

Apologize or unnecessarily self-incriminate. This makes it easier for the

other person to lose respect.

Guess the thought or speak for the other; trying to say what he thinks or

feels when he can speak.

Give premature advice without encouraging our interlocutor to talk about

the subject in question, examine it, etc. This prevents the dialogue from

continuing and, often, we are mistaken for not having enough information.

Finally, if you found this book useful in any way, a review on Amazon is

always appreciated!

Effective Communication

Introduction

Congratulations on downloading Effective Communication: Communication

Skills Training. A Guide to Effective Communication Skills for Couples,

with Friends, in the Workplace and Improve the Nonviolent

Communication, and thank you for doing so. I hope that this book will bring

transformation into your life by turning you into an effective communicator

who can express himself or herself effectively, and understand other people

by the same measure.

There are many resources on the internet and bookshelves all over the

world, but rarely do you have in your hands a knowledge resource as

comprehensive as this book. The author has put in much effort to explain

effective communication, starting with how communication affects the

mental health of the speaker, and on to how it influences the wellness of the

listeners. Communication is pointless if the people you speak to cannot

grasp the weight and intention behind your words. If when you say one

thing, others understand it the other way, it had been better if you didn’t

speak at all.

This book is prepared specially to help you master not only the basics but

the advanced techniques of communication. In this day, when

modernization has turned us into a picky lot, you cannot afford to waste

your chances when it comes to holding proper communication with those

around you, from the people at work to the family, the friends and the

customers with whom you interact. As such, the author has brought together

ideas and techniques to boost your communication so you can come off as a

good listener, respectful, tolerant, empathetic, understanding, and a caring

person in your conversations.

To that end, the following chapters will define effective communication and

the techniques you can take up to develop it. You will also learn of the

errors to avoid when communicating with th0se around you. You will also

discover the role of empathy in communication, and learn how you can

develop it so that you become a more understanding communicator. The art

of persuasion is also comprehensively covered as a useful communication

tool to help you win over people to your side during communication. Many

other topics and practical examples of effective communication provided;

you can be confident that this book will turn you into an effective

communicator, both in listening and in speaking.

There are plenty of books on this subject on the market, thanks again for

choosing this one! Every effort was made to ensure it is full of as much

useful information as possible, please enjoy!

Chapter 1: Mental Health and

Communication

Having good relationships with people helps to reduce fear, anxiety, and

stress in your life. For this reason, social support, a product of excellent

communication, is linked to mental health. It is thought that having good

friends is a buffer against a low mood, loneliness, and anxiety feelings. The

ability to communicate well gives you the ability to express exactly how

you feel while being respectful of other people’s needs. It helps if others do

the same for you. Unfortunately, no one is born with the ability to

communicate correctly; we all got to learn.

In this chapter, you will learn the importance of speaking your mind and

changing it when necessary. You will also learn how to communicate

effectively, having taken note of barriers to effective communication, and

the techniques you can take up to improve your communication.

How to Act on Our Mind and How to Change It for Communication

It is always better when people speak their minds, rather than masking what

lays underneath to fit into the fabric of society. If people did not do this, we

would not enjoy the benefits of independence, feminism, and various other

revolutions that have been a result of brave men and women who refused to

fit into the status quo and speak up for themselves and others. The result

was a transformative change that has made our lives easier and better.

When it comes to conversation and dealing with other people, you should

express precisely what is in your mind because it speaks about who you are,

what you believe, and where you stand. This way, you will not be

misperceived, and you will not misunderstand others when they speak to

you. Therefore, if you are against something, such as being a racist,

xenophobic, colorist, homophobic or a religious extremist, let people know

so that they can decide early on if they want to interact with you or not. The

reality is that no one can force you into taking up a different position, you

are entitled to your own opinions, so long as you remain mature in your

handling of that information.

Now, maturity is the ability to speak, think, and act your feelings, inside the

boundaries of dignity. The measure of maturity is your attitude towards

others who have differing opinions and stands. This is not to mean that you

cannot change anyone’s mind by expressing your beliefs; maturity calls for

you to express or act out your ideas in a manner that is respectful of other

people, however frustrating their points of view are.

Therefore, when you want to speak out your mind, do the following:

Be Calm And Collected

Ease your nerves and steady yourself when you begin to speak. Breathe

slowly, relax, and allow your thoughts to settle. Take out all negative

thoughts and doubts. Be in control of your emotions and words. Don’t be

overly emotional, even if you are passionate about the topic under

discussion.

Let The Tone Of Your Voice Be Assertive

Let your voice be clear, loud, firm, and self-assured. Don’t mumble or

speak too fast. Avoid being overbearing and let your behavior also allow

others to see that you are worth listening to.

Have Confidence

It is impossible to sell others on what you are saying if you do not appear to

believe in what you are saying. Remind yourself that you are a unique

individual and your ideas, thoughts, and values are unique too.

Do Not Fear Ridicule And Confrontation

You are entitled to an opinion, so long as it’s an educated one. Some people

are convinced about something, but their conviction is wrong. Ensure that

what you stand by is factual, and cannot be challenged. Once you have done

that, now don’t worry about pleasing others. Do not fear other people’s

judgment, and don’t fear expressing or living out your beliefs because of

others. Indeed, not everyone will agree to or be interested in what you are

saying, but don’t let others discourage you from doing what is right.

Know When To Speak Up

Wisdom is the proper application of knowledge. Be wise. Know when and

where to speak. Always gauge a conversation, and if it can benefit from

your participation, go ahead and jump in. Take the opportunity to impart

some of your wise ideas to others and be receptive to learn from what is

being said. When expressing opinionated sentiments, begin your statements

with “It’s my opinion that …” or “I believe that…” Be particularly cautious

of your presentation in discussions that could quickly brew conflicts such as

those on religion, sexuality, politics, and other ethical issues.

Be careful though that fearing to speak up could be misinterpreted as

indifference or permissiveness. If you agree to something, say so, and when

if you are opposed to something, speak up too. Be outspoken in

objectionable conversations, and don’t leave your body language to do the

work. For example, a scornful glance is not as impactful as a statement like,

“Why do you assume that it is okay to treat somebody in that manner?”

Have it in your mind that things will remain the same if you do not speak

up and point out the wrong and wickedness surrounding them.

You Can Change Your Mind

It is okay to change your mind. It is a sign that you are accepting of the fact

that you are evolving as the circumstances around you change. In our

randomly changing world, nothing is static; every decision or latest

discovery seems to be questionable. Things around you change in a

heartbeat, and you too have the right to change your mind without the risk

of being thought to be a flip-flopper or a weak-minded person. Successful

people make it a habit to keep thinking and revisiting issues and decisions

they have made, even when the case is closed. Nothing on the face of the

earth is written in stone.

It is easy to change your mind about small everyday issues and to think

nothing of it. However, more significant issues can present a challenge.

People are afraid to lose in a discussion and be perceived as weak-minded

or lacking in confidence. For this reason, some people stress themselves

trying to stick to their firm decisions, and when facts are staring at you, and

not one supports the position you are taking, insisting on your misinformed

position is an embarrassing position to take.

The emphasis, however, should not be in whether you change your mind or

not, it should be on the reason you changed your mind, and the effect that

your new position will have on other people. Only change your mind when

you are deeply convicted and have reasoned adequately to see where you

should stand when the facts are presented. Sometimes, the reality may bot

support an idea you have held for some time, and when you see that, it

makes sense to shift your plans.

What is Effective Communication?

Communication is the act of conveying information from one individual or

group to another, using words or some mutually understood symbols and

signs. Communication is only valid when the message is successfully

conveyed, received, and understood. This is to mean that communication is

only useful if both the message sender and the receiver can assign the same

meanings from the message sent.

To communicate effectively, you need not just dwell on the words you say;

you must also take up several other skills such as the ability to express

yourself assertively, body language, ability to convey emotions and to

understand those conveyed, as well as engaged listening. The result is that

people deepen the relationships and connections they have with other

people, and improve various skills like decision-making, teamwork, and

problem-solving. Since effective communication is a skill people learn,

individuals can get better at it if they put in some extra efforts and practice

what they learn by engaging in more meaningful conversations.

Developing the Skills of Effective Communication

Become An Active Listener

Whenever people think about communication, many turn their attention to

the words that will come from their mouths. We begin to worry about what

we will say, how it will be received, and the effect it shall have on the

receivers. However, the reality of effective communication is that it is more

about listening than it is about talking. Listening is the ability not only to

hear the words that the speaker is using but also to understand the emotions

the speaker is trying to convey.

The definition above creates a significant separation between hearing and

listening engagingly. Whenever you truly listen, you become engaged with

what the other party is saying, and you even begin to hear all the subtle

intonations in the other party’s voice letting you know how the other party

is feeling and the emotions the individual is trying to convey. Paying this

close attention lets you in on what is going on inside the other party, and if

you respond appropriately, the other party feels understood and heard, and

the connection between the parties will be deeper and stronger.

Once the communication is effective, your stress levels will begin to come

down. Suppose the person you are listening to is calm, actively listening to

him will calm you down because all your senses will be connected to his,

and you will begin to catch his drift. In the same way, if the individual is

angry, but you are calm, you can help restore calmness in him by listening

to him attentively so that the person feels heard and understood.

To listen actively, you do not have to struggle or feign concern because

once you make up your mind to connect with this person and to understand

all that he has to say, engaged listening comes naturally. Here are a few tips

to ease the process of becoming an active listener:

Listen with your right ear: Funny as it sounds, listening with your

right ear increases your reception and understanding. This is because

the right ear is connected to the left side of your brain, and it is the

side that processes emotions and promotes speech comprehension.

Therefore, if you listen more with your right ear, you will catch all

the emotional nuances of the speech, and you will understand better.

Have an interest in what is being said: Maintain an open, inviting

posture, nod at what you hear, and smile occasionally. Encourage the

speaker with some ‘uh-huh,’ ‘mmh’ and ‘yes.’

Give feedback: Right in the conversation, let the person know that

you have so far understood what he is saying. If you haven’t, ask for

clarification. You do not have to repeat what the person said word-

for-word, you could say, “What I hear you say is …” You could also

let the speaker know what the words he has spoken so far mean to

you.

Avoid interrupting the conversation, or turning it around to yourself:

Needless to say, it is selfish to turn back a conversation to yourself.

Yes, you will have a chance to talk, but allow them to speak and

express themselves, without thinking about yourself.

Ensure that your focus is only on the speaker: do not keep glancing

on your phone, on hangings on the wall or people passing by. Stay

focused and pick up all the emotional nuances the person is

expressing.

Take Note Of All Nonverbal Cues

Your facial expressions, movement, and general reaction to what they are

saying tell loads, even more than your words can express. A person will

watch for your eye contact, gestures, voice intonation, breathing, and

muscle tension to see how you receive the information being given to you.

Some of the expressions that will convey interest in what is being said

include sitting at the edge of your seat, uncrossed arms, maintaining an

open stance when you stand, patting your friend on the back, or pounding

your fists.

In conversations, ensure that you use nonverbal signals that go with the

words you are speaking, take in all signals, beware that people react

differently, and ensure that you keep off negative body language. Use

positive body language even when you are not feeling as such.

Be Assertive

Assertive people speak clearly and directly. They express their feelings,

thoughts, and needs honestly and openly, with respect for themselves and

others, not allowing the truth to be swept down. They are not aggressive,

demanding, or hostile though. They only seek to express clearly what they

feel and to understand other people well, without making an effort to win

arguments or force their opinions on others.

To become a more assertive person, learn to value yourself and your

opinions because they are as important as those of other people you

consider important. This means that you also ought to learn how to say ‘no’

to things that are beyond your limits, not taking other people to take

advantage of you. Take any feedback given positively by accepting the

lessons you get from failures, and accepting compliments graciously. When

you need help, do not hesitate to ask for it. Have a clear picture of what you

need and want, and ensure that your needs do not infringe on the rights of

others. Lastly, whenever you have negative thoughts about anything,

positively express them, and be respectful.

Let Your Stress Levels Remain Low

It is difficult to think of an amicable solution when temperatures are raging

high and negative remarks are flying hither and hither. When parties are

trying to pin each other to the ground, it is impossible to agree on anything.

However, if you decide to keep the stress at bay and return to a calm state,

you will not only save yourself from doing things that you might regret, you

will also help to calm the other party. You will be able to decipher the

situation well to see whether it demands a response, or whether it would be

wiser to remain silent.

To stay calm, use some stalling tactics so that you give yourself some time

to think. For example, you could ask the other party to repeat his question,

or you could seek clarification of a statement before you respond. During

this time, try to collect your thoughts so that you are not rushing to respond.

When you indeed respond, ensure that your words are spoken clearly, in an

even tone, and maintaining eye contact. Your body language should be open

and relaxed. Ensure that you include a statement that summarizes your

response, and once this is done, stop talking. Even if the result is total

silence, let it remain quiet rather than filling the air with angry words.

Barriers to Effective Communication

Many errors could cause communication to fail. These are the

communication barriers, and they occur at any stage of the communication

chain, distorting the message sent, and leading to a waste of time and

money. The result is misunderstanding and confusion. They include:

Irrelevance of the message to the listener

Use of jargon such as slang, or technical, complicated terms

Differences of opinion and perception

Language differences and unfamiliar accents

Prejudices and expectations that lead to stereotyping and false

assumptions

Differences in culture

Barriers to non-verbal communication, such as the inability to see

posture, gestures, non-verbal cues, and other general body language

cues. This makes communication through text messages, phone

calls, emails, and others like them less effective compared to one-

on-one conversations.

Physical disabilities such as speech and hearing difficulties

Lack of interest and attention

Distractions

Emotional taboos towards topics like sex and sexuality, racism,

religion, politics, and politics

Bureaucracy and rigid organizational structures

Attitude problems

Lack of common knowledge or experience

Ambiguity, assumptions and jumping into conclusions

Information overload (too much information can be overwhelming

and challenging to process, distracting the recipients from the

subject matter.)

How to Develop Effective Communication: Techniques and Secrets

Once you learn how to communicate effectively, you will start to get more

of what you want out of life. This will not only encourage people to listen

to you, but it will also allow you to build stronger relationships with others.

Here are some useful communication secrets and techniques to help you

become an effective communicator.

1. Listening Skills

This is the most critical skill when it comes to communication. You must

first listen and understand what is being spoken about before you respond.

If you listen keenly, you will be able to decipher the other party’s

capabilities, intention, and motivations. When you do that, you can frame

your responses expertly.

2. Taking a Logical and Organized Approach

Communication that is to be understood needs to be expressed in an

organized manner that allows the listeners to see the logic in the words

expressed. While there are many ways to do this, the most basic of the

methods is by conducting adequate preparation. Preparation is done by

sticking to the same point or subject and exhausting on that particular point

before you can move on to another point or topic.

3. Clarity

The essence of effective communication is to ensure that everything spoken

is transparent so that the opinion, remark, or subject being discussed is

clear, and nothing is left to assumption. The primary cause behind

miscommunications and misunderstandings is the lack of clarity. When it

comes to oral communication, words must be pronounced appropriately and

articulated to ensure that it meets the standards acceptable, so that the

communication is clear, and understood.

4. Brevity

Ensuring that what you say is clear needs you to use the least amount of

words; the ones that carry meaning and pass along the message. Using too

many descriptive words and long sentences will only blur the conversation

and complicate the issues you are discussing.

5. Feedback

Effective communication is not just about the communication source; it also

is about the recipient receiving the message in an intended manner. The

feedback given allows you to gauge whether the message was understood in

a planned manner. You could get the feedback from reading into the

person’s body language and visual cues, and asking the recipient to give a

response or ask a question. When they do this, you can correct any

misconceptions or reinforce the message you gave further.

6. Mirror the Other Party

Great communication requires that you meet the other party at his or her

level in terms of the tone used, body language, and the energy levels. This

is done by subtly matching the other party’s body language, way of

speaking, mood, facial expressions, and energy levels. Doing this allows

you to have an evenly matched conversation. Mirroring helps to ease

arguments during heated discussions when the flared up party calms down

to the level of the calm party.

7. Learn the Power of Silence

We all find silence between us and others quite uncomfortable, and people

are continually working to break the ice. There are constant Google

searches as people look up techniques and strategies for initiating a

conversation with others. This is because silence is incredibly powerful.

Crafty communicators use silence to force their counterparts to speak when

they feel that the other party is holding back. When they keep quiet, they

force the other party to pick up the conversation thread, forcing them to

give up information they did not intend to give up.

To become an excellent communicator, learn to take a pause, and resist the

temptation to answer. Instead, use the silence to encourage the other party

to speak and to expand on their response.

8. Always Communicate With Enthusiasm

Joy and happiness are contagious, and they can be used to make

communication more effective. They make the conversation more

interesting, engaging, and influential. People respond positively to

enthusiastic speakers, and they reject the ideas of speakers that lack

enthusiasm.

Chapter 2: Examples of Effective

Communication

We are constantly communicating, through various platforms, every

moment of our lives, in multiple forms, expressions, channels, and gestures.

We do it as a way to express ourselves. Unfortunately, however, while we

may do it all the time, much of the communication we do is not conscious.

Sometimes, we communicate without clear awareness, which leads to

misleading or conflicting expressions of who we are. However, if you can

learn to be aware of the signals you are sending out, you can correctly align

the messages you are sending to reflect the emotions you intend to indicate.

Here are the different kinds of communication:

1. Formal Communication

This kind is also called official communication, and it covers all

expressions and words that express formal issues and needs. It must follow

a particular communication protocol and a pre-determined channel. Even

when the communication is done orally, there often is documentation to act

as evidence of the conversations that took place. Formal communication is

often perceived as reliable.

To excel in formal communication, take up the following tips:

Start by clarifying the reason behind your conversation.

Whether oral or written, ensure that you follow a well-defined

structure that your audience will easily understand.

Ensure that your tone is open, friendly and professional.

Re-iterate the agenda for the conversation either through a call-for-

action or clarifying your position on the issue.

Always thank your audience for giving you their ear.

2. Informal Communication

Informal communication is the unofficial yet provocative information. It is

often given by word-of-mouth. It is free-flowing and lacks any formal

structure or protocol, making it less accurate and less reliable. It does not

have any accompanying documentation to serve as evidence and uses a

channel that allows it to spread like wildfire. For this reason, many people

term communication given this way as ‘gossip.’

Despite being seen in a negative light, informal communication surprisingly

plays a significant role in our society; it shapes public opinion.

3. Face-To-Face Oral Communication

This is the most common and most recognized communication type. In this

arrangement, your words, and how you say them, directly express what you

feel on the inside. Oral communication can be either formal or informal. It

is the preferred communication when talking with friends and family, and in

various professional forums at the workplace.

Face-to-face communication is the most powerful communication type, and

it can work either for or against you. It is a vibrantly alive communication

method because despite the rehearsals you have made before you speak,

everything you speak is what your brain is processing moment by moment.

It is the reason you find that you had planned to say one thing, and in the

middle of a conversation, something else slipped.

Oral communication has the advantage of engaging the audience better than

other forms of communication. The listener speaks back to you and offers

direct, unscripted feedback, which enables efficient two-way

communication better than other communication channels.

Some people are afraid, and their minds go blank when they start talking,

especially when talking to an authority figure. They begin to mumble and

speak things that do not necessarily make sense. Fortunately, oral

communication does get better with time.

How to improve face-to-face communication:

Ensure that your eyes meet with those of your audience, ensuring

that they ooze openness, conviction, and confidence.

Practice perfecting your expressions and tone in front of a mirror,

ensuring that they perfectly match the message you intend to

convey. More often, your tone and expressions will express more

than your words do.

Engage the participation of your audience and avoid making your

communication a monologue. Ask them questions, seek their

opinion, and encourage them to build on the ideas you have

expressed.

Think about how your audience will perceive the message you are

passing, with the expressions you are giving, and see whether you

would be convinced if you were a part of them. If you wouldn’t,

practice some more.

Become a more engaged listener. Oral communication is not just

about the words you give; it is also about listening to others speak

and giving feedback.

Example:

Suppose I need my wife to help me locate an item that is supposedly stored

in the garage. I will begin by asking whether she has the time to help me

with something or not. If she is available, right now or in a while, I will

explain what I am looking for when I need it, and why I presented the

request to her. It could be that she arranged the garage last, and would have

a better knowledge of the where the item is. Once we have resolved to

proceed to the garage to look for the item, we should give a call of action

such as, “Let’s split and check inside the boxes. We might find it.”

In your conversations, beware of the influence of the word ‘but.’ That word

is a roadblock. It shuts down the conversation by creating an impression

that one person’s ideas are superior to the others’. On the other hand, ‘yes’

affirms and upraises.

If a colleague or an employee insists that he wants to work less and the

company cannot handle that at the moment, do not say, “But you cannot;

the company cannot handle it at the moment.” Instead, say, “Yes, I hear that

you want to work less, and I don’t think the company can release its much-

needed labor presently due to the heavy workload.” When you respond in

the affirmative, you affirm the individual and open up the conversation for

discussion.

4. Distant Oral Communication

Distance oral communication has been made possible by technology

expansions, making the world a more accessible and smaller space. People

now communicate using mobile phones, video-conferencing, and others.

For this communication type, your pace of delivery and tone take

precedence over other expressions.

For effective oral distance communication, give precedence to the

following:

Make your speech slower than it would be in a face-to-face

conversation. This will make you more aware of any subtle nuances

in your tone, and give the receiver enough time to receive and grasp

what you are saying

If the situation allows it, wear a friendly face, smile, and let your

eyes twinkle. Ensure your tone conveys your receptivity and

openness to the other party.

Re-iterate what you hear when you listen to ensure that you do not

miss any words, and so that the other party can confirm his or her

utterance.

Prioritize listening over talking because when you all speak at the

same time, the entire conversation will be undermined.

Where possible, back up your oral communication with writing.

This will confirm what you are taking away from the conversation,

and will ensure that all parties are on the same page in regards to the

conversation and the call-for-action

Distant oral communication also applies to when you address an audience

or a meeting. Let’s see an example:

Suppose your boss puts you in charge of informing your team that they will

have to take up additional work, in addition to the tasks your team is

handling, how would you break this news to them? The best way is to put a

positive ring to it. Doing this will ensure that the team is receptive, the news

is well received, and that proper action follows up.

One manager might say, “Sorry folks! I have some terrible news for you!

The boss says that from today henceforth, we may have to handle some

extra tasks, and he says that he doesn’t expect any grumbling from you.”

An announcement like that will be met with lots of grumbling and

opposition, and, likely, the extra tasks will not be received warmly.

On the other hand, if the manager goes to the team and announces, “Good

morning, colleagues! I have some good news for from the management.

You have done such a good job that our company now has the pleasure of

handling some additional projects. The management is confident that only

this team can carry the new responsibility and carry the project through

successfully. We are up for the challenge, aren’t we?” Certainly, the team

members will be pleased with the recognition and will be willing to take up

the challenge and prove themselves again.

Whenever you talk to your employees or a team you are managing, avoid

starting your statements with phrases like “I want,” “I think we should,” or

“I need,” because statements like these send the message that it is all you,

and not about the team and their contributions or their perspectives. Instead,

use inclusive pronouns like ‘we’ because they foster an environment of

teamwork and exhorting each other.

5. Written Communication

Written communication is now engrossed in our everyday communication,

from text messages sent, emails, social media updates, blogs, and others. It

has far surpassed verbal communication in all social spheres. To be

excellent at it, do the following:

Have a clear communication structure so that your communication is not all

over the place. The general structure includes an introduction, body, and

conclusion.

Ensure that the context of your communication is clear to avoid people

getting the wrong message.

Keep the communication clean, both in the formal and informal context.

6. Non-Verbal Communication Types

This is a subtle yet exceedingly powerful communication method. This

method includes a wide array of physical signals, gestures, postures,

speaking pace, attitude, and tone. We have mentioned how these non-verbal

cues influence your communication, giving more information than the

words convey. Therefore, it is worthwhile to take some time to work on

your basic body language gestures in front of a mirror so that you do not

send mixed messages with your speech and gestures. Turn them around so

that they support the words you say, and make your message more

meaningful.

However, there will be times when your body language should imply the

complete contrast of how you feel inside. For example, if you feel shaken

and afraid when speaking in front of an audience, let your body language

communicate confidence. For instance, during an interview, you might

internally feel scared and threatened, but the trick is to maintain a friendly

posture and to ensure that your facial expressions go along with that.

Even in this communication facet, ensure that you give precedence to

listening more than speaking or gesturing.

Chapter 3: The Role of Empathy in

Communication

What Is Empathy?

Empathy is the ability to see the situation, or the rest of the world, through

another person's eyes. It means that you understand precisely what the

individual is feeling and you see why someone acted in a particular way

because you see sense in it. Once you do this, you can communicate your

ideas to others in a way that makes sense to them, and you begin to

understand others when they speak with you. This causes empathy one of

the great foundational blocks for building great communication and social

interaction.

In Harper Lee’s novel, To Kill a Mockingbird, Atticus Finch says, “You

never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of

view… until you climb into his skin and walk around in it.” To be

empathetic, you have to fully put yourself in the other person’s shoes, and

even getting into the individual’s skin, so you can fully understand them.

Empathy in Communication

The role of empathy in communication is to enable you to present your

ideas in a form that the other party can understand, and in turn, the other

party must listen to you, to know how you have received his message.

Therefore, whenever you speak, tap into the other party’s interests by

ensuring that you present your ideas to others in a form that highlights these

benefits. You will only do this when you have been able to understand the

people’s expectations and needs, and from there, you can phrase your ideas

along with those terms, to communicate with the individuals effectively.

Know that some words appeal to the needs, emotions, and desires of the

people better than others, but others appeal to fact and reason. The words of

logic and emotion are the ones you use to paint a picture of the ideas you

carry. With empathy, you must first recognize the needs of others and learn

to express your ideas, using words that create a mental picture that speaks

into the needs, emotions, and desires.

Remember to use the communication style that is familiar and most

comfortable to the listening party. Ensure that your listener understands and

accepts your message without needing to ‘translate’ it. If you notice that

your communication styles are different from those of the other party,

capitalize on the strengths in those differences.

Learn How to Be Empathetic

To some, empathy comes easily, but to others, empathy must be learned. It

may be difficult to commit yourself to another emotionally, or you may find

it entirely impossible to do. However, this does not mean that you will not

learn eventually. Understand that you must first lay down your viewpoint,

and begin to see things from the other party’s perspective. When you have

done this, take up the following techniques to develop empathy:

1. Give The Situation Your Complete Attention

When someone is talking to you, listen to him or her carefully. Use all your

senses (ears, eyes, smell, touch, etc.) and intuition to understand what the

other party is saying. Watch for some keywords and phrases, especially the

ones the individual uses repeatedly, and think about how or what is being

said. How is the tone? How is his or her body language? How open and

sincere is the person? Is he or she scared, angry, happy or ashamed?

When listening empathetically, avoid questioning what is being said and

asking direct questions. If there are facts to be disputed, don’t raise the

disputes at this early stage. Be flexible, and expect that the conversation

could go another way, as easily as the other individual’s feelings and

thoughts are changing.

2. Take In The Other Party’s Perspective

It is said that before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in his or

her shoes. Therefore, to practice empathy, check your attitude, and let your

mind remain open. Set your beliefs and assumptions aside because if you

carry these with you, you leave little if any, space for empathy.

To be empathetic, try to see what others see because that is what has framed

their minds as they are. This does not necessitate that you shift your

thinking and agree with them; you only have to acknowledge their point of

view, show respect, and continue listening to what is being said. If the

situation or circumstances are still unclear, invite the other party to provide

a more explicit description of themselves and their unique situation.

Questions are not arrogant or rude; it is the only direct way to seek credible

information that will help you understand the other party better.

3. Spring To Action

Once you have all the information and can relate with the individual, you

have to do something that will demonstrate your empathy and compassion.

Fortunately, there is no right way to do this; it all depends on you, the

individual, the situation, and the emotion dominating at the time.

Remember that an empathetic person does not act on his or her desires and

wants, but only considers what the other person wants or needs. Therefore,

the action you take must directly benefit the other party.

Let’s say, for example, that your classmate is unwell and unable to attend

classes, the kind thing to do is to allow him or her to borrow your notes and

to inform them of any upcoming assignments, quizzes, or exams. Let him or

her know that you are available to explain any intricate concepts from the

notes. It could be that having the class notes will help him or her feel like

part of the class still, and he won’t have missed much.

The alternative would be to keep taking notes and then handing them all to

your classmate when he resumes classes. He could be feeling so much pain,

fatigue, and experiencing other illness symptoms that would make it hard

for him to keep up with schoolwork. In this case, instead of forcing your

will on him, asking him to copy or photocopy the notes, you could allow

him to be, until when he is ready to resume school.

Let the other party choose what to do; only provide options and ask which

choice is more preferred.

Remember that empathy, unlike sympathy, is not just useful for sad

situations; it is also good to see the world from someone’s lens of positivity.

Empathy is a great ability, and it can be used in all kinds of situations. Use

it to do different random acts, and you will help to brighten days for people

around you. It could be as simple as smiling and making an effort to

remember someone’s names; it could be giving all your attention when

people make presentations, offering constructive feedback or showing

interest or concern for another person’s life.

If you choose to be empathetic, everywhere you go, and in all you do,

taking an interest in who others are, what they do, their feelings and

experiences, you will develop a reputation for being trustworthy, caring,

approachable, and a great asset to the team and the organization.

4. Developing The Ability To Listen To Empathy

While empathy is the ability to step into the shoes of another to know what

he or she is feeling, empathetic listening is about truly understanding what

the person speaking to you is saying. Empathetic listening is way deeper,

beyond merely listening where the person needs to take a listening posture,

not occasionally, and produce sounds like ‘hmm’ and ‘yeah’ to show that he

or she is paying attention. Empathetic listening goes way beyond that,

beyond merely hearing, to understanding what the other party wants to say.

An empathetic listener looks out for the emotional undertone of the

conversation. Once he understands this, he will be able to enjoy much more

contact with the other party. The parties involved do not have to agree or

carry the same opinion, because it is quite possible to understand where

each party is coming from, and why the other party is holding a different

view from yours, without having to cross over to their line of thinking.

Empathetic listening is not complicated, but it demands a unique approach.

The first thing is to ensure that the room in which the specific conversation

is taking place is comfortable and pleasant to be in. Keep off all potential

disruptions like ringing phones, sounds of people walking around, and other

irritating noises. As the listener, you must also have cleared your mind, and

to do it in advance, so that when the other party arrives, you will be

physically, mentally and emotionally ready to receive them.

Once the other party is comfortable, ensure that all your attention is on

them. Look at the other party in the eyes, and start with some general

questions that can set the mood of your conversation. Create a rapport,

before you delve into the more severe issues.

The best way to start the conversation is by asking questions. The questions

should be open-ended and neutral. Typically, people judge and criticize

others, and this forms the basis of their questions. However, as an

empathetic listener, avoid doing this as much as possible, and avoid passing

judgment. Let the individual speaking have the feeling of not just being

understood; he must also feel safe and think of you, the listener, as a

reliable person.

As long as the person is speaking, it's best that you focus on what they are

saying, and not allow yourself to be distracted by other things. One

common pitfall happens when the listener begins to share his opinion or

giving advice. Do not start doing this; give the individual ample time to tell

his story and speak his mind. If you start giving your opinion and advice,

the person may become resistant, and you could stop the spontaneous flow

of information from him. Therefore, ensure that you do not stray from the

initial goal of the conversation.

As you listen to what the other party is saying, summarize what is being

said in your mind, and paraphrase it to show the other party that you have

heard what he or she has been saying. Paraphrasing takes out all the

keywords and key points to ensure that you have taken up all the

information that matters and that you can accurately portray what is being

spoken of. These summaries, through the paraphrasing, also allow you to

get a clearer picture of what the other person is speaking. From there, you

can also ask specific questions to follow-up on the topic.

Ensure that you also acknowledge the emotions that flare up during your

conversation, reading from the person’s tone and other body language

signals. You could say statements like, “As you were still speaking to me

about this, I could still see how upset the issue causes you to be,” or “I can

see how this affects you.”

If there are silent moments in the conversations, don’t take them as

awkward; they are functional moments that allow the information you have

to sink in and nudge the speaker to speak more, perhaps to clear up on a

point he just spoke about. The result is that there is a better understanding

of the issues, and the person will feel heard.

Empathetic listening is advantageous in that besides the fact that it boosts

the quality of the relationship between persons conversing, and also

positively affects their cooperation. The trust and respect between these

parties also increase, making them more helpful and loyal to each other.

Empathetic listening also helps people to be more compassionate to each

other and to more tolerating of each other’s opinions. The result is that they

become more patient with one another, and they create an atmosphere that

allows the people to speak their minds bluntly, without sugarcoating or

hiding the truth or reality of the situation.

Empathetic listening can be practiced at all times, and in all kinds of

forums. In a board meeting or a group discussion, empathetic listening

ensures that each member’s ideas and viewpoints are heard, so that each

member feels valued and important. A human resource manager conducting

a performance appraisal will do well to ask the employee to list his major

motivators and the things that bother him. Understanding motivations allow

the manager to see how he can align the employees' roles at work so that

they align with the organization’s goals, allowing the employee to enjoy

what he is doing while directly contributing to the success of the

organization.

Using Empathy in Conversations

i. Empathetic Listening in Relationships

For any relationship to work and to last, it needs the essential component:

empathetic listening. Empathy towards another person makes your

relationship with them more open, fulfilling and satisfying, for you and

your partner. It is incredibly important to have someone listen to you with

an open mind, without anyone interrupting, criticizing or offering

unsolicited advice. An attitude like this will solidify any kind of

relationship, whether between a mother and a child, for couples, between

siblings, or friends, and in any other association between people.

Many times, people who relate with each other end up having problems,

and those in romantic relationships split because they have developed

communication issues. These issues manifest as contempt, criticisms, or

stonewalling, but it all stems from a lack of empathy.

The reality is that all persons love to be heard and understood. When that

does not happen, the person starts feeling lonely and abandoned. They

begin suffering internally and even start distancing themselves from those

around them. Relationship experts say that empathetic listening paves the

way for affectionate communication, an essential aspect of any relationship.

ii. Empathetic Listening at the Workplace

Empathetic listening is not only good for helping you advance your

romantic and social life, but it is also good for your workplace and career

building. At your place of work, empathetic listening allows you to

cultivate fruitful partnerships with others, from colleagues, customers,

suppliers, investors, and other stakeholders. The working relationships built

out of empathy break down the formal barriers of the formal environment,

and appeal to people to use their ‘soft sides’ as they deal with each other.

The result is that people are more tolerating, considerate, open to help, and

encouraging of each other.

In fact, empathetic listening is very important in roles such as research and

sales, to the point that there now are scales and tools to measure it. The

Active Empathetic Listening (AEL), for example, evaluates how well a

person can zero-in on the emotions he has, process them and come up with

an appropriate response. The AEL operates in three dimensions: processing,

sensing and responding.

That said, a person who intends to become a better worker, coworker,

manager or boss should endeavor to make empathetic listening to one of his

sharpest skills. Just because you are working in a formal environment does

not mean that you have to keep your relationship and conversations formal.

Formal conversations do not create a trust or breed a friendly working

environment since everything is about rules, regulations, and protocol.

However, once you begin to appeal to emotions, even regarding official

issues, you will be taking the right steps towards building a productive

relationship.

As such, empathetic listening can be the foundation for setting up and

directing you towards incredible business opportunities, which will directly

contribute to a prosperous and happy life.

Example of an Empathetic Conversation

Since empathy and empathetic listening is all about practice, let’s see a brief

example of how it is done, so you can apply the same style in your

conversations.

Jeremy: Hey, buddy, what’s new in your life?

Alex: Nothing much, buddy. (shrugs shoulders)

Jeremy: You seem a bit off, though. Is anything the matter? (after noticing

that Alex seems indifferent and withdrawn, Jeremy inserts a question to dig

deeper)

Alex: Only some minor issues at my place of work. My boss and I are not

getting along; but with time, things will be ironed out.

Jeremy: Would you like to tell me about it? I am here to listen to you. I

could be of help in some way.

Alex: Alright, the thing is, my boss doesn’t seem to understand me, and he

never has. All he cares about lately is that we meet impossible targets,

without concern for how they are reached.

Jeremy: I am sorry to hear that you have been having problems at work. If I

may ask, which kinds of targets has he been imposing, and what prompted

the change?

Alex: You see, the company landed on some huge deals, and my team was

given the privilege of handling one of the most massive production orders

in the company. We welcomed the opportunity but asked the management

that we will be adding some more personnel to be able to reach our

production quotas in time.

Jeremy: Ooh, I see. You head a team at your workplace and have been

asked to meet impossible production targets without any assistance, right?

Alex: Right. Nothing changed in terms of resource availability, no

additional machines, and no additional workers, but the company expects

our output to be twice as much as we did before. My team members are

frustrated, their motivation has gone down, and a number are threatening to

quit.

Jeremy: Am so sorry about that. It is sad to have to deal with an impossible

workload, with the threat of losing some members of your team hanging

over your head. Have you spoken to your boss about the conditions at work

and the effect it is having on the team?

Alex: Yes, I did initially, but he no longer is willing to listen. All he wants

to hear about is whether we have met the targets.

Jeremy: Well, that’s quite unfair and inconsiderate of him. Perhaps you

could voice your concerns to a higher authority, your boss’s boss, for

example?

Alex: Yeah, I have thought about it, some team members suggested that we

do that too, but I am still on the fence on the issue.

Jeremy: Since you and your team love your jobs, owing to your incredible

performance, you need not change the attitude you have just because of

some hurdles. Speak to a higher authority and voice out your issues, am

sure they will listen to your grievances. Perhaps you could also inform your

boss about the move you intend to make and see what his reaction will be.

He might even decide to provide the help you need without having to

consult a different authority figure.

Alex: That is an excellent idea. I will inform my boss of our intention to air

our issues to a higher authority, and if he still does nothing about the

problem, we will proceed to present our concerns to a higher power. Thank

you, Jeremy. I now know how to resolve this issue for my team and me. I

loved our talk; it was beneficial. Thank you.

Jeremy: You are welcome, I am glad to have talked over the issue with you.

Best of luck.

Chapter 4: The Art of Persuasion

By definition, persuasion is the act of making an effort to convince

someone to do something or change their beliefs in favor of some that you

think are worthwhile. Empathy cannot lead you to persuasion because it

causes you to see that the other person is right in his own right. However, if

you fully understand where a person is coming from, you can strategize and

come up with a way to persuade him or her to change his or her mind. This

is why persuasion is said to be an art.

You see, art is any activity that a person uses to express the emotions buried

inside. It conveys complex messages that words wouldn’t carry. It, however,

can be intellectually challenging, complex, and coherent. That said, the

product of your art must be an original piece. It, therefore, demands a great

deal of skill and patience.

The art of persuasion does not check all boxes in the definition of art

because people take various approaches to persuasion. Some will persuade

without even showing an ounce of emotion while others are all about the

emotional appeal. In addition, you cannot talk of persuasion as an art in the

sense that other art forms like music and paintings are. It is also easy to

persuade without intending to be unique in any way. However, persuasion

does indeed contain other qualities that qualify it to be an art: it is complex,

intellectually challenging, it conveys a complex message, it can be quite

original, and it highlights your point of view.

You may wonder what the point of persuading is. Why should you waste

your precious time and energy persuading others? Isn’t it also a form of

manipulation? The truth is that you need to learn how to persuade others to

achieve any success in life. Every seller has had to persuade a customer to

buy his or her products. Every teacher has had to persuade parents that he

can do a good job. Every married person has had to persuade his or her

partner to marry him or her. Every employee has had to persuade the

employer to hire him. Every successful politician has had to persuade voters

to vote for him.

As you can see, almost every success in life demands that you convince

others that you have the capacity to fit and fulfill the mandates of the

position you intend to fill. Persuasion seems to run in the bedrock of every

human endeavor.

The Basics of Persuasion

The following are the principles of persuasion. govern the ability to

convince people to share your ideologies and points of view:

1. Scarcity

People are more drawn to people, products, or opportunities that are

exclusive or limited in edition. When people perceive an impending

shortage, they tend to demand scarce resources, and if they can be bought,

they buy them in excess.

Companies take advantage of this tendency and suggest shortages in their

supply (only five pieces remaining), limiting the time an offer is available

(available for three days only), or suggesting scarcity in the frequency with

which an offer is made (annual sale). Customers, driven by the fear of

missing out, respond by making purchases, most of which are unplanned

and impulsive.

In life, everything is measured by its relative value. If someone thinks

something is valuable, I will be driven to accord the same value to the item.

We often want to own things because others have them. As such, if you

want something to be considered valuable, you must make it scarce, and

that includes yourself too. In communication, if you want people to value

your words, talk less.

2. Reciprocity

Whenever you do good to someone, there is a natural nagging and drive to

reciprocate the gesture. This behavior is ingrained in human DNA so that

we can help each other survive. Interestingly, you also could tip the

reciprocity scale to favor you disproportionately by giving some small

gestures that show your consideration to others, and when you ask for some

help or a favor, the others will happily offer it.

3. Authority

It is impossible to persuade anyone to do something when you do not

appear to have expertise or knowledge in that field. No one wants to be led

to the shaky ground of trial and error. A persuader must radiate special

skills and expertise. Experts are more likely to be trusted. They radiate

authority in their fields. Therefore, when you intend to persuade a person to

take a particular stand, ensure that your knowledge and familiarity with that

subject or field is beyond reproach. When you do this, you will build your

reputation as an expert or personality in that particular field.

4. Liking

One of the impossible tasks is to convince an enemy to do anything. It is an

exercise in futility. No one trusts or likes dealing with someone they

consider unpleasant. What if you are dealing with strangers, how do you get

them to like you? It’s very simple. You only need to appear open, kind,

attentive, sympathetic, and empathetic. Also, let people know that they are

highly regarded and appreciated. Appreciation is demonstrated through acts

such as giving presents, inviting the people to special events, offering

‘inside’ information, and by making regular phone calls. People also

appreciate feeling that you understand them and their interests. If you have

the chance, give valuable ideas or suggestions, and you will have them

eating from the palm of your hand.

5. Consistency and Commitment

Consistency assures a person that he or she will get the results he or she

expects or got in a previous similar engagement. Before people commit

themselves to you, they want to see signs that you are committed too, and

consistent in your giving results. The best thing is to give these signs of

commitment and consistency step by step, and the other party will slowly

buy into your ideas.

For example, when dealing with a customer that wants to buy a dress, create

the consistency that convinces the customer that you are best suited to sell

the dress. You could say, “Yes, we have the dress in red, yes we have a

changing room where you can try on your dress, yes, we can also deliver

the dress to you, yes, we have an in-house seamstress who will make your

preferred alterations for free, yes, you can carry your dress home today.”

Ensure that all the customer’s concerns can be addressed, and when you are

done, the customer will have no choice but to stick with you.

Suppose a friend or coworker calls asking if he or she can come over to

share some personal information, show that you are committed to listening

to what the friend has to say, and to doing all you can to help. Say, “Yes, I

am available to speak to you now (or in a little while), I promise that our

conversation will be confidential, you are free to speak to me about

anything, I will help you as much as I can, you have my complete

attention.” When you say this, the individual will likely feel safe and will

want to speak about the issue of concern. After the conversation, assure the

individual that you will be available to talk when called upon to do so.

6. Social Proof and Consensus

People are the ultimate advertising tools; when someone thinks of you or

the items you are selling to be good, be sure that he or she will make that

known to other people the person comes into contact with. What’s more,

human beings tend to be more convincing than other ad methods. For

example, a customer is more likely to read customer reviews and to believe

them, over and above ads on various media platforms. Therefore, as you

market yourself and your products or services, always refer to those who

would have something positive to say, such as references in your resume or

happy customer reviews. Their opinions will be more convincing than

anything you would say to market yourself.

Learn How to Persuade People

Having understood what persuasion is and the principles that govern it, let’s

now see how to go about it. The first thing you ought to keep in mind is that

you can persuade anyone, naturally, without even trying much. The

following steps and techniques will teach you how to influence, from a

marketing and a personal perspective, but these techniques are viable in any

interpersonal engagement you are involved in, from making new friends,

convincing an employer to hire you, networking, and relating with friends.

They include:

1. Take Up Mirroring To Help Create A Subconscious Agreement

With The Other Party

Mirroring is presumed to be one of the easiest and quickest ways to create

accord between two parties. It refers to the acts of copying someone’s

volume, speed of speech, tone and body language in a bid to reflect that

person’s behavior to him or her, just like a mirror would reflect.

Research shows that mirroring a person’s behavior produces more

considerable social influence over the person being mimicked. The study

found that individuals who mirrored had more success persuading the other

party, and were regarded with more positivity than those who did not

mirror.

The reason mirroring works so well is because behaving like the other

person is behaving tends to put the individual at ease, which increases the

possibilities of building a rapport with them. It breaks through any form of

subconscious resistance the person may have and encourages the individual

to trust you.

Typically, people mirror others subconsciously, but when you are learning

how to do it for persuasion, you must do it consciously, until when it comes

to you on autopilot so that it now is a natural part of your interactions. The

easiest way to start is to try to match the other party’s conversation tempo

and stance. However, you do not just jump into it immediately. One cardinal

rule of thumb is to wait it out, about 5 to 10 seconds before you start

mirroring the other party’s stance so that your attempts are not too

noticeable. Remember that your mission here is to gain trust, not to arouse

suspicion.

Be careful that mirroring sometimes backfires, especially when you mirror

negativity such as raising your voice when another raises his or taking up

negative postures like crossing your legs or your arms. Turning your body

away from the individual also communicates negativity. Be careful not to

do any of them.

2. Be Surrounded by Other Influential Persons

The law of averages states that the result of any particular situation is the

average of all possible outcomes. Jim Rohn brought a new perspective to

this law saying that a person is the average of five people he or she hands

out with most of the time. He said this in reference to the fact that while we

interact with hundreds or thousands of people in daily life, only a few of

those have an impact on us. Their influence is very significant, to the point

that they influence how we speak, how we think, how we talk, and how we

react to situations, among others.

Whenever you keep the company of people you aspire to be like, you will

naturally begin to emulate them, and will eventually have risen to their

level. Therefore, when you want to learn how to persuade and influence

other people, you have to keep the company of some influential people so

that you be in a position to absorb their mannerisms, reasoning, general

outlook on life and their knowledge because these are the factors that have

contributed towards their success.

We all have the privilege of choosing our friends, the people we spend our

time with, and it is better that you select people that are going to make you

a better person, and make it easier for you to reach the goals you intend to

achieve in life, one of which is to become an influential person.

3. Encourage the Other Party To Talk About Himself

People like speaking their minds. Science confirms that about 30 t0 40

percent of the words we speak are solely about ourselves. We love

expressing our viewpoints, talking about our experiences, achievements,

and others. Some are even comfortable talking about the struggles they are

going through because it gives them some form of relief and eases the stress

in their minds. When scientists studied the brain as people spoke about

themselves, and scans showed some activity in parts of the brain that are

primarily linked to value and motivation. It is this same brain area that is

linked with a person talking about himself, and other thrills such as drug

use, sex, and money.

Therefore, whenever you meet someone new, once of the ways to establish

rapport is to encourage them to do an activity that will make them feel good

about themselves, such as talking about themselves. Start with some small

talk, then proceed with some meaningful questions. As the person speaks,

keenly listen to the answer given, and where possible turn the answer

around into a follow-up question to let the speaker know that you are

enjoying their talk. This encouragement causes the other party to go deeper

and reveal information he or she did not intend to give.

As the individual continues speaking, you will have a broader look into who

they are, what they believe, and you will also figure out the areas of

common ground so that it becomes easier to make a personal connection

with them. The more you listen, the higher chance you stand to influence

the person.

4. Take Advantage of the Pauses and Moments of Silence

As we mentioned before, silence is uncomfortable for many people. It

makes them feel prompted to speak to fill it. An influential person must be

fully aware of the effect that silence has on people, and use it to his or her

advantage. Use silence to make the other party disclose some more

information, give clues, or even make a mistake that could be to your

advantage.

On the other hand, when you indicate that you are not afraid of silence so

that you are unhurried and more deliberate in your speech and your actions,

you elicit a feeling of confidence and control. Therefore, even in

uncomfortable situations, be patient in your discourse, and you will appear

confident.

Another advantage of the silence and the pauses is that they allow you to

process the information you get better. You also get the time to consider the

best approach for communicating some thoughts, so that you present your

ideas in a humane, empathetic way that will help deepen the connection you

have with others.

Tips and Tricks to be Persuasive

The Best Should Come First

In other spheres, the best is saved for last. However, when it comes to

persuasion, what you say first sticks. Therefore, start with the best

characteristics, then move lower.

Use The Extremes

When you speak about stuff, go to the extremes, talk about good or bad,

right or wrong, left or right, and other similar extremes. Once this is done,

now get to the ‘just right’ sweet spot, and ensure that it appears better than

any of the extremes you described earlier.

Practice Brevity Of Speech

Your words should be quick, easy to understand, and easy to evaluate. Let

your words sound like short tweets, rather than long passages. Long

speeches tend to have run-on sentences that bore the listener; keep your

sentences short and meaningful.

Adjectives Spice Up Your Speech

After all that school learning, you finally get to use your knowledge of

adjectives! Adjectives are the ‘bold,’ ‘italics’ and ‘underline’ of your

speech. Therefore, use them to emphasize and add weight to your words.

Use adjectives such as gorgeous, smart, brilliant, adorable, beautiful,

meaningless, faithful, eager, worst, and delightful. Sprinkle these into your

short sentences, and you will see the impact they will have.

Take On The Present Tense

Nothing makes people sit and listen better than information about what is

happening. They want to know what they might have missed, or your ideas

concerning what is going on. For this reason, ensure that you always

present a uniquely intelligent and uncommon perspective; you will get their

attention and admiration. If you talk about the past, you will be surprised

that the majority of your listeners will have stopped listening before you are

done.

Rely On Science And Statistics

Of course, not all scientific information and statistical data available will be

accurate. However, use it anyway. People will think that you are smart,

resourceful, and trustworthy, perhaps.

Take A General Perspective

Be inclusive and general when referring to people. For example, say,

“Everyone says…” or “Everyone knows…”People become more attentive

because they want to be categorized among those who ‘say’ or ‘know,’

provided you are speaking about something positive. Make what you are

saying ‘obvious’ and ‘the only way,’ and everyone in your audience will

want to be part of the winning tribe.

Butter Them Up

It is said that flattery will get you anywhere. However, this flattery should

be in the right amount: too much, and you appear treacherous, too little, and

you appear disinterested and unknowledgeable. Know how to strike a

balance, and for heaven’s sake, mean what you say. Don’t try to oversell

something you do not believe in.

Use Anger Cleverly

Most people work to avoid conflict at all costs. Conflict is uncomfortable,

but if you are tenacious enough, you could use it to your advantage by

creating a conflict situation and allowing the tension to escalate to a

particular level, enough to let the other party back down. When this

happens, enforce your idea, which must have been the better option, so that

it is adopted. Be careful to use this conflict method sparingly, and don’t do

it due to a loss of self-control, driven by your emotions.

Remain Calm And Detach From The Conflict

Another approach to a heated situation is to remain calm, unemotional, and

detached from the conflict. During times when each party’s voice is high,

and everyone wants to be heard, stay calm. People tend to turn to the ones

that are calm and seem to be in control of their emotions. They trust them to

provide a lead in the issues at hand.

Talk About What The Person Will Lose

Nobody likes loss. When you bring it up, be sure that you have caught your

listener’s attention as he tries to understand the circumstances that will

drive failure into his life. People are convinced that they know how to gain

something, but the reality that loss can come from any direction makes

them lie awake in the night. If you are selling a shirt, for example, start by

letting your customer know that he stands to miss the sale of a lifetime. This

will work better than telling him that he is about to get a good shirt if he

purchases it now, during the sale.

Practical Examples of Persuasion

Let’s evaluate some practical examples of how to use persuasion to your

advantage.

Example 1: Assume that you intend to collect signatures at your place

of work to petition for the removal of some unfair terms at your

workplace, and you want to persuade your colleague Anne to sign your

petition.

You: Good morning Miss Anne, how are you?

Anne: Good morning. I am fine. Thank you.

You: How has been your day? Are you getting on with your work, alright?

Anne: My day started so well. The weather is beautiful, and I arrived to

work on time.

You: Yes, it has been quite a bright morning. How is your family?

Anne: They are doing quite well, thank you. My daughter made it to the

dean’s list this year. She is getting an honorary award this Friday, and we

shall hold a small party at our home later in the day. You should come.

You: It would be an honor to celebrate with you and your daughter. I am

quite fond of her and her siblings. If I may ask though, what is your opinion

regarding the new terms the management has introduced regarding our

working hours and forcing employees to take pay cuts?

Anne: I was quite appalled on reading that notice. The terms are quite

unfair because the management expects us to take on more roles, with less

pay, and what’s worse, they will not be compensating when we work

overtime.

You: Yes, Ms. Anne. The terms do nothing to promote the welfare of the

employees, and for that reason, I am requesting my colleagues to join me in

signing this petition so that the management revisits the new terms and

gives more consideration to us.

Anne: Is there an anonymity option? Can I hide my identity?

You: Sure, but it would be better if you indicated your full names and ID so

that the management gets to know the specific people and areas their terms

are affecting.

Anne: In that case, I will sign and indicate my identity; something must be

done about our situation (Anne signs the petition).

You: Yes, Anne, thank you so much. We must voice our concerns. Kindly

pass my love to your lovely children. I will see them on Friday.

Anne: You’re welcome. See you then.

Example 2: A doctor trying to convince a patient to take on a healthy

diet

Doctor: From the results of the tests done on you, I am sorry to inform you

that going by your statistics, you run the risk of acquiring chronic lifestyle

diseases.

Patient: Oh, I did not think it was that bad. Which diseases do I stand to

contract doctor?

Doctor: With your BMI at 36, you are already obese. Obesity and excessive

weight gain could cause you to develop type 2 diabetes, heart disease,

stroke, and a whole lot of other cardiovascular diseases

Patient: Mmh, that is troubling news! You know doctor, my father was

diabetic and died from diabetes-related complications.

Doctor: You must be fortunate not to have become diabetic already because

diabetes is hereditary, and you could be a carrier. You need to take more

caution in regards to your lifestyle so that you remain healthy. You see,

among the top ten diseases that kill the most significant number of people, a

number of them stem from the lifestyle of the patients, and if you are not

careful, you may contact one or a number of them.

Patient: Really, doctor? (silence). But I have made several attempts to diet,

but I got nowhere. I would lose a few pounds then fall back into my old

eating habits.

Doctor: A diet is not enough to turn around your life. You are already

tipping the scale here. Your situation could change in a heartbeat, and you

could quickly turn into one of those death statistics. What you need is a

complete lifestyle change. A diet only changes one aspect of your life,

the food, but you need to turn even your mindset so that you do not find

yourself falling back to old habits once you have conquered.

Patient: Can I turn this around and protect my health, doctor?

Doctor: Certainly, you have all it takes to be successful. A willing heart and

a resolve to change is all it takes. I will give you a booklet with more

detailed information on how you can turn everything around and begin to

lead a healthy life.

Patient: I will appreciate any resource you can provide. I am determined to

make this change. Thank you, doctor.

Doctor: You are welcome. Aim for a 19 to 25 BMI, and you will be okay. I

wish you well. Feel free to walk in for regular checkups, and when you

have any questions or problems, do not hesitate to ask for my help.

Patient: Thank you, I will.

Other situations that require your power of persuasion include:

Conducting campaigns for a political candidate

Coming up with an advert to target a particular demographic group

Presenting yourself during an interview to ensure that your

qualifications are a match to the job description

Recruiting volunteers into a community service program

Presenting an argument before a judge

Writing your college application letter

Making requests to your bosses.

Negotiating terms in a contract agreement

Presenting an argument to increase budget allocations

Chapter 5: How to Communicate

in the Workplace

Good communication is imperative in any environment where humans

interact, but when it comes to the workplace, communication is even more

critical because it is a crucial influencer of the success of the business.

Success in business refers to having an organized team working to attain the

organizational goals, meeting production targets, keeping costs of

production down, having healthy in-house relationships, and relating well

with customers. Securing a market share is also part of business success,

and it is a result of all systems working together well, often because people

are communicating properly.

Other benefits derived from good communication include:

Makes employees more engaged: Communication connects persons

in the organization towards a single purpose and goal. If the goal is

clear, employees understand what they must do to reach the goal.

Causes the workforce to be more productive: Communication is a

key contributor towards the productivity of the workforce because it

promotes an understanding of each member’s skills and talents, and

encourages creativity and innovation. Hence, the organizational

planning is done in consideration of each employee’s points of

excellence. If the results are all excellent, then the company and its

workforce will be productive.

Prevents misunderstandings with the clients: With excellent

communication, the needs and preferences of the clients will be

clear, the customer will feel heard and understood, new information

will be presented in a form that all parties can understand, and

existing conflicts can be straightened out quickly.

Alleviates conflict: Misunderstandings, feeling disregarded and

misunderstood often result in conflict. People also conflict when

they fail to understand how others communicate.

How to Resolve Conflicts

Below is a step-by-step tool to help you resolve conflicts that come up at

the workplace, and in other forums that involve interaction with people.

1. Do Not Burry The Conflict

When conflicts arise, do not assume that they didn’t happen, or burry them

to avoid talking about them. Unresolved issues are ticking time-bombs that

build up pressure, and the situation only gets worse with time. Therefore,

conflicts should be dealt with as soon as they occur so that there are no

problems or hurt feelings as people perform their duties at work.

2. Speak With The Other Person

Reach out to the other party and let him or her know that you are interested

in speaking about the problem. Invite them to choose a time and place that

you would conveniently meet to discuss what happened. Ensure that the

location has minimal interruptions, if any so that you have ample time to

speak and iron out your issues.

3. Listen

Listening is quite essential because it allows you to see the issue from the

other party’s perspective. Therefore, listen to what the other party is saying,

and get ready to react. Do not interrupt him. Once he is done talking,

summarize and rephrase what he said to seek confirmation, so that you are

sure that you understood all that was said. Where you need clarifying, ask

questions.

4. Take Note Of The Points Of Agreement And Disagreement

With the other party’s help, take note of the issues you agree or disagree on.

At the end of it, ask the person to confirm your assessment. Ensure that

both parties agree on the areas of conflict that need working on.

5. Discuss Behavior Not Individuals

As you try to figure out the causes of conflict, it is easy to start attacking

each other’s personalities. Some people say, “I do not like it when you leave

papers containing sensitive information on top of your desk when you are

out.” Instead, say, “When papers containing sensitive information are left

lying on a desk without supervision, the company stands to expose our

clients’ personal information, and we could wind up with a lawsuit.” The

first statement addresses the weaknesses of the person, while the second

statement attacks the deed itself.

6. Develop A List Of Priority

Decide on the issues that are of greater significance, and purpose to work

on them first before you move on to those of lower consequence. As you

start to discuss the issue, let your focus be the future of the company, and

how you should work with one another to actualize company goals.

7. Follow Through With The Plan

Stick to the list of conflict areas, addressing them one-by-one until you get

to the end. Ensure that you come to a consensus on the solution to a

particular issue before you move on to the next. Through it all, maintain a

collaborative attitude so that you remain united, focused, and committed to

working out your conflicts.

8. Forgive Quickly

When conflicts are resolved, the natural thing is to acknowledge that

feelings were hurt, assumptions were made, and ignorant words were said.

Acknowledge also that your perspective was wrong (if it was), and thank

the other party for helping you see from a new perspective. Tell the person

that you are sorry, and forgive the person too. Superficial forgiveness is not

good enough because it causes grudges that worsen with time, and

undermine every progress you had made.

How to Become Charismatic

Charisma is the quality that causes you to charm, attract, and influence the

people around you. You could easily point out a charismatic person, but it

would be quite difficult to point out the specific characteristics or qualities

that make the person charismatic. What’s more, there are all kinds of

charismatic people, without any common characteristic among them. For

example, some people are quiet and rely on their personal charm, rather

than words to influence people. The rest are talkative and use their

passionate words to charm the socks off those around them. This brings us

to the understanding that interpersonal skills and effective communication

will cause you to become charismatic.

Many other situations, besides work, require you to be charismatic. As a

student running for class president or student council president, you will

need charisma to charm your colleagues to vote for you. As a marketer,

charisma will give you favor with your intended market segment. As an

entrepreneur looking to bring investors on board, they will only support you

if they take a liking to you. As a single guy looking to have a girlfriend,

charisma will make you likable among the ladies. As you can see, you need

charisma to get through different situations in life. It will draw others to

you, allow you to command an audience, convince people that you have a

viable idea, and draw them to yourself.

Before we get to the tips that will help you be more charismatic, kindly note

that no one is born with charisma; we all have to learn and practice it.

Below are the tips to becoming more charismatic:

1. Beware of the Charisma Trap

The charisma trap is born of the fact that the more effort you put towards

becoming charismatic, the lesser you succeed. Sure, becoming a better

listener makes you more charismatic, but trying to force yourself makes you

less charismatic. Putting conscious effort into making a good impression

already pulls back the attention to yourself to allow for self-evaluation, and

this undermines charisma.

The process of putting effort into becoming charismatic is a sign of

insecurity too. If you were charismatic, you wouldn’t care about the tone of

your voice, whether you smiled enough, or whether you used kind words.

This is because charisma, though learned, must come through the

subconscious mind. This way, you do not monitor anything, and your

attention is entirely on the other party.

2. Shift Your Gaze Outward

Shifting your gaze outward means that your focus shifts from yourself to

the people you are socializing with. The less you worry about yourself, the

more charismatic you become. Most people tend to relate what is being said

to themselves and how they feel. However, looking back to yourself creates

a defense state that kills charisma. The right way to do this is to now focus

your thoughts on the people you are interacting with. Whenever you have a

conversation, think about how their words reflect them, rather than what

they say about you. This does not mean that you should begin to judge

them; you only want to know them more.

Ask yourself why the person is saying those particular words, ask yourself

about his body language, and see if you can figure out why the person does

what he does. Do not try to answer any of these questions, though; they are

only meant to create a social flow state. Answering them will trigger your

judgmental side of the brain, and the insecurities or defenses will begin

wearing their ugly heads.

3. Cultivate the Art of Presence

Presence is one of the key aspects of charisma, and it is all about engaging

with others truly and sincerely. When you do this, you assure others that

they have all your attention. One thing about this ‘presence’ aspect is that it

reminds you that the conversation is not all about you, allowing you to shift

your focus back to the other party.

Listen to every word that the other party speaks. Resist the need to think

about the reply you will give, and focus on what is being said to you. Take

the opportunity to get all the inside information that could help you

discover who the person is and all that he is about. When you listen to

people and want to know them deeper, they feel valued and heard and will

want to socialize with you at a deeper level.

Certainly, you cannot be in an engaging conversation, and all you do is

listen, all day, every day. When the opportunity to talk comes up, do so, and

ensure that you express yourself with confidence.

4. You Must Know the Basic of Good Conversation

Before you proceed to the advanced level of charisma, the basics of

conversations must be at your fingertips. A charismatic person always

knows how to speak with people. He must know how to start a

conversation, and how he can steer it in the right direction to engage others

and to make them feel comfortable. If you still have problems with basic

conversation, you need to work harder to master it.

One trick you can use to start conversations is creativity. However, you

must also be sure that the conversation you want to start is one that you

would be comfortable with if it were spoken to you so that you do not make

the other party uncomfortable. Focus on being nice rather than trying to

show others that you are brilliant. Remember that being nice makes you

more charismatic, which is the primary goal of the conversation you are

initiating.

Include some questions in the conversation, so the other party knows that

you are interested in learning more about them. Some people like to include

humor too, but be careful because you are only now getting to know or

socialize with the other party. Some jokes could be found insensitive.

Therefore, if you insist on humor, let it be in the manner you speak, and not

in the words you speak. If you use humor well, you will get more people to

like you and to open up to you. Everyone likes to be surrounded by people

who can make them feel happier.

How to Communicate Successfully

Below are some essential skills to help you make communication in the

workplace successful:

1. Encourage More One-To-One Conversations And Phone

Conversations

Today, people prefer written communication because they are used to

writing texts and posting written content on various social media platforms.

As a result, emails have become more popular in the workplace. However,

if you are in a busy office and everyone decided to send you an email, you

would have quite a large load f emails to go through, and responding to

each would be equally tasking. The entire process would take up much of

your valuable time too. However, if people switched to phone calls and one-

on-one conversations, communication would be quicker and simpler.

2. Encourage Open Discussions

Encourage the people in your organization to speak their minds by letting

them know that all they speak will be heard. Always remind them that their

opinions matter. When people are encouraged to speak, and their feedback

is received with respect, they feel appreciated and valued, and they take

pride in being part of the organization.

3. Let The Discussions Be Meaningful

If all that is spoken about in your meetings is unnecessary and pointless,

you will notice that the attendance will begin to dwindle. People begin to

lose interest in the meetings and discussions because they perceive them as

a waste of time. Too often, organizations hold meetings for the sake of it,

just because the meeting is indicated on the regular schedule. This is not

right. Meetings should be held only when necessary: other times,

communicate your ideas and additional information through phone calls or

face-to-face conversations.

If you find that a meeting is still necessary, maintain a tight time limit and

stick to the agenda.

4. Get Visual Aids

Sometimes, words are not enough to express your point, and you will need

a graphic or any other visual aid to help bring the point home. Use a photo,

a picture, a graph, a meme, or a short video to help get your point across.

Most people understand and respond better to visual information. They will

also remember the visual aids for longer than they would if you only spoke

some plain words.

5. Be Careful When Wording Emails

It is difficult to interpret the speaker’s tone when communication is done

via text. Through this media, your communication can go either way. It is

not a wonder if the reader interprets in a context for which the writer did not

intend. When this happens, people are bound to get offended unnecessarily

just because they read the information in a particular way, even though it

was not meant to be as such. This happens especially in situations where the

writer has left room for interpretation by writing ambiguously. However, if

you take caution and are clear about what you are talking about, no one will

misinterpret you.

If you must communicate through written text, ensure that you proofread it

to ensure that it delivers the tone that you meant it to. Also, confirm that

you use the correct spelling, grammar, and punctuation as these too can be

interpreted as rudeness and as being unprofessional.

6. Let Your Words Be Simple

The reality is that we are not all on the same footing when it comes to

vocabulary. Therefore, to ensure that everyone understands what you say,

use simple words. Ambiguous words only lead to misunderstanding and

may require you to have to explain yourself better again, ultimately wasting

your precious time.

7. Act Out The Message

It is not until you see someone do something, or you do it yourself, that the

message behind it is completely absorbed. Words are easily forgotten, but

deeds, not so much. Acting out what you would want your team to emulate

is a very effective method of communication because, in the first place, you

have demonstrated to them that what you want to be done is possible. Let

the people see you do what you would want them to do, and they will be

challenged to do it. There will be no excuses.

8. Avoid Repetition

If you want to be taken seriously, don’t sound like a broken record. Don’t

keep repeating instructions or trying to beat them down with your words,

into submission. Give your instructions just once, and ask if they are clear

to everyone. If some have not understood, repeat your instructions, and

when this is done, step aside and let your people go to work. Demand good

results and make yourself busy. You will earn their respect this way, when

they do not see you hovering over them all the time, repeating instructions

they already heard.

How to Talk to Your Bosses

The thought of speaking to your boss can be quite frightening, especially

when you need to talk to them about sensitive topics like salary increases,

bonuses, some unfair terms at work, or about quitting your job. During

these times, you often have minimal time to make your case, you nervously

anticipate any follow-up questions, and you dread your boss’ reaction.

Many times, the opportunities you get will also not be in your favor: you

could be in an elevator, you could be asked into a meeting discussing

something entirely different, or you could get your opportunity during a

phone call. Speaking with your boss can be terrifying because your career is

literally in your boss’ hands, and most times, your boss’ temperament, ego

and predisposition will be different from yours. You also must remain true

to yourself and not compromise on your values.

When it comes to speaking to your boss, there is always the risk that if you

could wind up unemployed if you disagree with your employer. However,

being a yes woman or man will do nothing for your personal and career

growth. However, the following tips will help you remain safe while getting

your voice across so that your issues are addressed, and working becomes

easier.

Mistakes to Avoid

Before we get to what you should do, it is important that you take note of

the mistakes you should avoid at all costs.

1. Do Not One-Up Your Boss Or Your Colleagues

Whenever you have a chance to speak to the higher authorities, know that it

is your opportunity to prove to them the value that you bring to the

company. It sets you up for greater opportunities to come, but one mistake

you can make is to sell yourself at the expense of others. For example, if

you are speaking about a project going on, do not try to downplay the

contributions or efforts of others or selling them as your own. Doing so will

make you appear a liar, a credit hog, and an unwise person.

Do not downplay the work of your boss or supervisor either. Putting them

down does not improve your chances of promotion, and when word gets to

your boss (it does), you will seem unprofessional. If there is a need to report

some issues concerning your supervisor, be honest and professional.

For example, say, “We are yet to start production for this line of products

because Mark, our supervisor, has been away, and we cannot begin

production without his authorization.” Do not say, “Mark has been

completely MIA, rarely comes to the office, and could be less bothered

about his work. He is the reason we have not begun production for this

product line. No one can find him.”

2. Don’t Be Too Humble

Sometimes, when you speak to your boss, it will be because you have done

well and the boss wants to recognize your efforts. Interestingly, a happy

meeting can also pose its challenges. How do you take praise from your

boss without throwing in statements like “It was nothing, I didn’t even do

much,” or going to the other extreme and appearing as a credit hog? When

your boss recognizes and praises you, it is crucial that you take it, but take it

with grace, without putting yourself down.

If some people helped you achieve success, say so. Doing so will make you

appear like a team player, and when you need help in the future, the people

will offer it because you recognized their efforts too. However, do not

diminish your contribution; recognize your efforts also.

3. Speaking Everything That Comes To Mind

You don’t get to speak to your boss every other day, which means that when

you get the chance to, you have to utilize every second available. However,

this is not the time to fire every idea that pops into your mind or to talk

about the dreams you have for the company. You must use the time you

have productively. Whenever you approach your boss or are called upon to

speak to the boss on a particular issue, stick to that issue alone; don’t touch

on other issues unless they are related, or need urgent attention. If you need

other issues addressed, wait until the meeting is over, then send a follow-up

email containing all the interesting ideas you would love to share with the

boss whenever he can make time.

In the same way, let’s say your boss wants to relate with you socially and

has invited you to her home, and she begins to talk about personal issues,

ensure that you do not change the subject to start discussing work. If you

do, your words will be falling on uninterested ears, and you will have lost

the opportunity to know your boss personally, which could prove quite

valuable later on.

4. Do Not Correct Your Boss In Front Of Company

No one likes it when their mistakes are pointed out before company. Don’t

sweat the small stuff, but if it is a mistake that needs correcting, only

mention the error when other people have left the room.

5. Avoid Speaking To Your Boss When You Are Emotional

Inevitably, there will be issues that will get to you in the workplace.

Someone will get recognition and rewards for work you did, you will be

overlooked, and there will be other upsetting issues. When these things

happen, you are bound to become emotional, and what would come to mind

is to speak to your boss. However, shake off that idea and take some time to

cool off. If you insist on speaking while you are emotional, you may regret

the words you spoke later on.

6. Do Not Interrupt

You may be knowledgeable on some topics and issues better than your boss,

but even then, do not interrupt to add your input or correct him. Patiently

wait until he is done speaking before you offer your opinion, but ensure that

you phrase it in a way that supports the boss’ argument rather than attack it.

The Do’s

Now that you know the thin ice areas of speaking to your boss let’s now see

how you should do it.

1. Take Note Of The Boss’ Communication Preferences

This is to mean that you should first observe how your boss likes to be

addressed before you go ahead and start speaking. Is your boss social to the

point that he keeps his door open, not minding when anyone pops in for a

quick chat or does he prefer that you book an appointment? You see, just as

your temperament is unique, so is your boss’s. Learn how he prefers to be

addressed before you go talking to him.

2. Build A Rapport Through Open Communication

One of the killers of the organizational structure and culture is an

unreachable boss. Lots of protocol bring system rigidity, disrupt

communication, and derail decision-making in the organization. Therefore,

you and your bosses ought to work towards building a rapport so that

speaking to your boss does not turn into this thing that causes you sleepless

nights and intense anxiety. After all, he is human like you.

3. Help To Build Your Boss Up

Your boss is the face of the department or the organization, and whenever

he looks good, you look good too; when he appears bad, it does not paint a

pretty picture of you. Therefore, always come up with ways to lift the

profile of your boss, and you too will benefit from it.

4. Have Your Facts Straight

If you go into the meeting with your guns blazing wanting to have your

way, whatever you wanted, you can kiss goodbye. Know that management

is perfectly capable of making decisions. Therefore, only give your opinion

when it is solicited. If you get the opportunity to speak to them, ensure that

your ideas are statistically backed so that you appear credible and

knowledgeable.

5. Let Your Point Be Clear

Your boss is undoubtedly a busy person, and will not have the luxury of

sitting down a while as you lay on him tons of background information and

run-on sentences of no consequence. Leave out all the unnecessary

information and only speak about the relevant points you want to be

addressed. Make what you would wish for him to do very clear so that he

can decide on what to do quickly.

Chapter 6: How to Communicate

Effectively For Couples

A relationship without effective communication is handicapped because

when both parties are unable to express themselves and listen to one

another, it will be nearly impossible to achieve any intimacy. Effective

communication, however, allows you and your partner to build a friendship

where each party feels heard, valued, understood, loved, and respected.

The problem with many relationships is that couples only have a surface

understanding of what communication is all about. Most of them approach

communicating with their partners as a debate, and each partner focuses on

presenting facts that will allow him or her to be proven right, to one-up their

partner. An approach like this is problematic because each partner goes into

the conversation thinking that he or she has an accurate grasp of the

situation, making it difficult to convince him or her otherwise.

Couples need to understand that the primary purpose of communication in

the relationship is to enable them to share their perceptions, ideas, feelings,

and thoughts. As they talk, they get to learn more about each other, and with

greater understanding comes greater intimacy.

Below are some tips you can take up to help you communicate and connect

with your partner:

Improve Your Ability to Listen

If you asked a couple to say whether they listen to each other, my bet is you

would receive a resounding ‘yes.’ Everyone believes that he or she is an

excellent listener, but if you were to ask them to give a satisfactory

summary of what the partner said, some would only mumble. The reality is

that most partners are not usually listening fully to what is being said, their

minds are often busy planning their response to one specific thing that

caught their ear.

Therefore, as you speak, your partner could be busy planning a rebuttal to

your statements, listing several complaints to pour out, or going over other

things that have nothing to do with what is being spoken about. These

tendencies take the listeners’ minds of their partners, and the conversation

suddenly shifts from the speaker’s view of the listener’s perspective. The

listener now starts talking about his views or his problems. The result is that

the initiator of the conversation will get upset, and from there, the

conversation could quickly degenerate into a confrontation.

Empathetic Listening

In your relationship, you can very well improve your listening to become an

active listener, but it is even more beneficial when you become an

empathetic listener. Empathetic listening makes you really pay attention to

what your partner is saying because you become aware of and sensitive to

your partner’s thoughts and emotions.

Empathy is different from sympathy. When you are sympathetic, you are

really sorry that your partner got to experience some adverse event, but

when you are empathetic, you somewhat relieve their experiences as they

explain them to you detail by detail. Empathy causes you to be more in

touch with what your partner is going through in comparison to sympathy.

To become an empathetic listener, do the following:

Recognize your partner’s feelings: It is important that you

understand and sympathize with your partner. Verbally repeating

what the person is saying will help you get a better grasp of the

situation, and your partner will feel that you are connecting to him

or her.

Be quiet: Often, we want to be the initiators of conversations. Even

if your partner has called you aside and said he or she wants to speak

to you, most of us still go ahead to mumble things that sometimes

anger and distract the other partner. When called upon to listen, this

is not the time to talk about your day, ask for a glass of water, or

anything of the sort. Sit down, be quiet, and wait to be addressed.

Patiently waiting to hear communicates care and concern.

Maintain neutrality: If your partner is raising a sensitive issue, you

may feel prompted to speak up, and usually, this comes forth as an

emotional outburst or a raised voice. However, empathetic listening

demands that you remain quiet and maintain a neutral persona, no

matter how the situation goes.

Seek clarification: If something is not clear, ask your partner to

repeat it. Seek clarification, not just of the words spoken, but also of

the meaning of those words, or that manner of speaking. Whatever

you cannot relate to, ask for more information.

Overall, listening in relationships is often a give and take situation, as is

everything else. The more attention you give, the more you will get when

you speak. Therefore, ensure that you remain respectful, no matter how

angry and emotional you get. Do not only listen to what your partner is

saying; also listen to what is not being said.

Once the partner is done speaking, start your reply by repeating what your

partner was saying, and be careful to only think of your response when the

person is done talking. Maintain eye contact, watch for your body language

too, and avoid jumping into conclusions. When you do this, you will be

surprised at how well your relationship will begin to function.

Effective Communication Techniques for Couples

Be Honest

Commit yourself to be honest at all times. Of course, some truths will hurt

your partner, but they had better get over it than live in deceit. Admit that

you are not perfect either, accept corrections, and apologize when you make

mistakes. Honesty will make you feel secure and will strengthen your

relationship.

Its All About Timing

Just because you are obliged to speak your mind and say the truth does not

mean that any time any place is good enough. When you feel the need to

talk something over, take time to plan out a perfect time to talk. Begin by

asking your partner about their availability, and find a time when your

partner calm, not in a rush, and is not distracted. Otherwise, he or she will

not respond too well, or even worse; you will not be heard.

Opt For Face-To-Face Conversations

Since you will be looking to connect with your partner and have more

intimacy, it is best that you deal with the individual one-on-one rather than

via texts or phone calls. Do not discuss serious issues in writing because

text can always be misinterpreted. Talk in person so that you may convey

your words with the attitude and tone you intended they convey. If you are

having trouble remembering all that you wanted addressed, put all those

points down on paper ahead of time, and refer to them when speaking to

your partner.

Watch Your Body Language

Whenever you are speaking with your partner, about any issue whatsoever,

let them know that they got your full attention. Sit up, look at them,

maintain eye contact, nod, and do other things to show that you are

interested to hear what they say, even when you disagree with their point of

view. Don’t insist on texting, picking a phone call, or playing your

videogame while your partner is talking. Leaving what you are doing to

show attention is also a way of showing them that you respect them, just as

you would want them to respect you.

Avoid Attacks

Sometimes, even when you mean well, you could come off as harsh. It all

has to do with your choice of words. For example, when you want to

address a problem but are using the word ‘you,’ your partner will perceive

it as an attack to his or her person. Immediately, the person will become

defensive and less receptive to what you have to say. Therefore, try to

address the situation rather than the person, and if you must use pronouns,

stick to ‘we’ and ‘I.’ You could say, “I feel like we are drifting apart,”

instead of saying, “You are always pulling away from me.”

Take Up The 48-Hour Rule

If your therapist has not told you about the 48-hour rule, I am glad to let

you in on this relationship secret. It is a rule where if your partner makes

you angry and you feel that you need to let them know, you do not do it

immediately; you wait it out. If at the end of 48 hours you’re still hurting,

you must say something. However, if not, you must forget about the whole

issue.

Kindly note that the rule does not advocate for burying issues, it only

allows you to dwell on the big stuff that could affect your relationship,

rather than having to argue at every little tiny mistake your partner makes.

For example, if you were angry that your partner left a towel on the floor or

a dish at the sink, you do not have to summon heaven and earth. Just wait it

out, and 48 hours later, calmly tell your partner that you would appreciate it

if he cleaned after himself more. When you mention what made you hurt

and your partner apologizes, let the issue go.

A fantastic thing that happens as you go through the 48-hour exercise is that

you also start seeing mistakes you made that directly contributed to the

issue at hand. Once you take note of your contribution, you are less likely to

repeat the same thing in the future.

Do Not Hit Below The Belt

In a heated situation, each party aims to carry the day. Everyone wants to

win, prove himself, and for the other party to see that you were right all

along. However, in the middle of it all, when you suddenly realize that your

argument does not hold water, some people begin attacking the personality

and character of the other party by name-calling or bringing up past

mistakes. You start bringing back issues your partner assumes that you

forgave and forgot. Doing this aggravates the situation, and may end up

ruining your relationship in the long-term, even after the current argument

has been resolved.

In an argument, only address the present situation. Try as best as you can

not to use the word ‘you,’ telling your partner, “You always do this.” Also,

refrain from any other name you might be tempted to refer your partner as.

Try calling him or her by their first name or pet name. say it lovingly to

dilute the anger and the tense atmosphere. You will be surprised how

quickly the tone of the conversation will change.

Seek Third-Party Intervention

When you cannot agree, especially on an important matter, seek the services

of a counselor, or you could invite a family member or a trusted friend to be

the neutral party. A third person brings a new perspective to the situation.

You are more likely to consider the opinion of the third person than that of

your spouse because the third party will be objective, and will have no

vested interests in the decision being made. Only ensure that the person is

trustworthy, and has good intentions for both parties, without favoring

either one.

Agree To Disagree

Being a couple doesn’t mean that you have to be in agreement all the time.

By now, you must have compromised enough times, and you now

understand that you do not need to have your way all the time. Sometimes,

you have to lay low on your side to allow your significant other to have his

way. It is of most importance that you remember that you and your partner

are on the same team. Despite the disagreements, you must continue to

walk together, in support of one another. Couples who understand this often

have successful relationships.

Not every problem will be solvable, but the important thing to note is that

your relationship is bigger than any problem you may encounter. Your

partner remains your closest confidant, and you cannot afford to lose each

other. Make an effort to show him or her that he or she is of value to you

every day.

Frequent Mistakes in the Communication of Couples

1. Thinking That More Communication Is The Solution

When a feuding couple is asked to state the genesis of their problems, a

common issue they point to is the lack of communication. They think that if

they talked more, their problems would be ironed out. However, this is not

entirely true because talking more could have the opposite effect. Many

women like to talk, but that is not the case for most men (and some

women). Communicating without connecting first will yield more feelings

of hurt and disconnection.

Connections are built when you acknowledge the efforts of the other

person, engage in activities together, and increasing proximity. Once you

are connected, you begin to have an open and productive conversation that

does not necessarily involve too many words. One trick is to understand

your partner’s ‘love language’ so that you may begin to concentrate more

on what makes your partner happy, rather than doing too much that has no

effect.

2. Dwelling On Unhelpful Issues

When partners fail to agree, and none is willing to compromise, the

conversation drags. Most times, conversations that drag are often about

hopeless issues that you wouldn’t care about, usually. You will find partners

continuing with toxic discussions, or one of them repeatedly giving rash

lectures. When the conversation turns this sour, you can expect always to

have lots of diminishing returns. It does not matter how well-intentioned the

conversation was at the beginning, but when it sinks to these lows, there is

no going back, unless one partner sobers up and tries to dig them up from

the hole of hurt and silence.

3. Failure To See Things From The Other’s Perspective

Sometimes, it only takes you remaining calm, listening, and using your

imagination to understand where the other party is coming from. Make a

conscious effort to understand and see things from your partner’s

perspective. Empathy could help you do that; you do not have to agree with

the person, but you will see where they are coming from.

4. Giving In And Not Airing Your Views And Opinions

If one or both partners want to keep off conflict at all costs, chances are that

opinions and emotions will often be buried in the hope that doing so will

please the other party and bring peace in the relationship. However, this

habit only keeps the peace for a short time before your happiness is eroded,

and the relationship fizzles too. Arguments are useful because people get to

air their differing views. Therefore, express your opinions, and don’t let

your feelings about anything be bottled up.

5. Needing Your Partner To Read Your Mind

It is likely that you cannot count the number of times that you expected

your partner to do something, and he or she didn’t do. The reason for this

was that your partner is not a mind reader. He or she did not have a clue

about what you wanted him or her to do. To communicate effectively, you

must clearly state what you need to be done.

Chapter 7: How to Communicate

Effectively With Friends

Effective communication is the bedrock of any successful friendship.

Indeed, friendship demands mutual trust and respect, but these values are

only cultivated through proper communication and understanding between

the parties involved. To communicate well, you will need to have some

crucial skills up your sleeve. The skills include:

Control your Emotions

Controlling or managing your emotions refers to choosing when and how to

express your emotions. People who have learned how to control their

emotions understand the importance of expressing their thoughts and

emotions, but know that it matters more, how, they express them. For this

reason, they react to situations productively and carry themselves with a lot

of maturity.

People who control their emotions have three kinds of basic knowledge in

regards to emotions. First, they know when best they can speak out and

when they would be better of waiting before they react or act on their

emotions. Second, they know to choose the best way to react rather than

allowing their emotions to influence the things they say or do, instead of

dealing with regrets later on. Third, people who have a good grasp of their

emotions understand that their reactions directly influence what happens

next, especially in regards to how they, and others feel about them.

It is likely that you have been in a situation where someone was too

emotional and reacted in a way that made you feel embarrassed for them.

You could also have been a situation where you didn’t manage your

emotions or your reaction properly, possibly because you gave in to your

fears, frustration, and anger. Most of these regrettable events happen when

we are dealing with your friends and loved ones, and although they might

forgive you, there is always the chance that it might happen again.

The skills you should take up to help you deal with your emotions and

manage them well, so you give a better reaction to different circumstances

belong to a larger group of emotional skills called emotional intelligence

(EQ). People who have learned to manage their emotions have acquired a

few of the EQ skills. It takes some time and practice to develop the

emotional intelligence skills, but once you do, you will be off to build solid

friendships and relationships with others.

The first skill to develop is emotional awareness. This is the skill that

allows you to recognize and take note of the emotions that you are feeling

at any given moment. Emotional awareness is a basic EQ skill. It only

requires you to identify and name what you are feeling so you can feel more

in control of what is going on inside you.

The second skill involves understanding the given emotions. Understanding

emotions means that you now know why you are feeling how you do. You

could say, for example, I feel angry because my friend did not invite me to

her birthday party.” By saying this, you acknowledge the anger emotions

you have inside you, and you also recognize the reason behind those

emotions.

It helps if you can view your emotions as an understandable natural

reaction, given the circumstances. For example, see that it is in human

nature to become angry when your friend leaves you out and does not invite

you to her birthday party, of all her friends. When you make this

recognition, it will be like being a little kind to yourself because you

understand how you feel. This goes a long way in helping you accept your

emotions, primarily because you already consider them reasonable and

natural.

The third skill is the ability to accept your emotions. Accepting your

emotions refers to the process of noticing, identifying, and understanding

your emotions without judging yourself or blaming other people for having

them. It is unwise to lie to ourselves that how we feel is because of another

person because you get to choose how to feel and react to different

situations. There will be situations when you would typically be angry, but

you choose to be happy and let be. No one can cause you to feel anything;

you allow yourself to feel them. Know that you hold all control over your

emotions.

You also must not judge your emotions and think that it is wrong to feel as

you do, saying, “It’s wrong to feel as awful as I feel,” or “People react

differently to what I am feeling and I am wrong to feel this way.” Do not

feel sorry for how you feel because the goal here is not to keep the emotions

at bay, whichever they may be, but to keep them from controlling you.

Once you have mastered the skills listed above and they now come

naturally, you have better control over how you feel, and practicing the use

of these basic skills will help you get over awkward and tough situations

with your friends faster than if you had to dwell on emotions and let them

run you.

Be Able to Say Anything

The ability to say anything is better described by the word ‘openness. When

you describe a person as ‘open,’ you would be referring to quite a number

of qualities, all of which are positive. An ‘open person’ is one who is

friendly, approachable, open-minded, honest, authentic, and tolerant. An

open person can say anything and will benefit from having a friend who can

say anything too, one who does not pass judgment and accommodates other

people’s views, among other openness qualities.

The reason being able to say anything is mentioned among the requirements

for a healthy relationship among friends is because it is rare. People have a

tendency to hide their inner thoughts and feelings, in fear that their friends

will not accept them. They have no problem running a charade to impress

their friends while the reality speaks otherwise.

You must have had a ‘friend’ to whom you had to pretend that you were

well and happy while in reality, you were suffering. People for who you

have to pretend are not your friends, and you need to shut them out. A

friend is one with whom you are free to speak, one that will allow you to be

yourself. A friend will not shut you out; they will know all about you and

still accept you. When you fail to open up to your friends, it really means

that you do not accept yourself fully, and you will deny yourself the

opportunity to speak out your thoughts and feelings.

The good thing about being an open person is that you get to decide what

you are comfortable sharing with others. You do not have to tell your friend

everything, even when the friend is accommodating and open.

Whenever you hold conversations with your friends, endeavor to go deeper

than the surface. Share more information than you usually would with other

people. Getting deeper makes it easier to make a connection between the

two parties. For example, you could tell someone that you just bought a pair

of shoes, but when it comes to telling your friend, let the friend know what

the shoes mean to you, and the qualities that led you to choose that pair of

shoes.

If you are having problems at work, you could tell any person who cares to

listen that you are having problems at work. However, when it comes to

your trusted friend, you should go ahead to explain what the problems are,

talk about how they affect your work, and about how they will affect the

future of the company, among other issues.

Let your friend be a close confidant, with whom you can share all secrets

and information. Ensure that you return the favor too, by becoming a true

friend, to whom your friend can speak about anything.

Know How to Listen to Them

When you sign up to become someone’s friend, you sign up to diligently

conduct all duties that pertain to this close association, one of them being

that you will be listening to your new friend, to get to learn about them and

their experiences. When people are friends, they have a tone of things to

share and talk about, and as they talk, the connection between them

becomes stronger. It is through communication that you get to know the

friend and to understand his character. As we draw closer, both parties start

to feel valued and supported.

Unfortunately, part of being human is that your mind will begin to wander

as your friend is speaking. You miss some questions, there are awkward

pauses in the conversation, and when he or she is done, you cannot tell what

he or she was talking about. Naturally, at the end of a conversation like it,

the friend will not feel heard.

On the other hand, if you gave your attention entirely, and chose to take in

all that was said, taking note even of all the tiny nuances in the

conversation, you would get to learn more about your friend, and a true

connection would be established or made stronger. This is the reason why

you should be engaged and present in your conversations because they

make quite a whole lot of difference in your life and that of your friends.

Clear The Clutter

One of the foundational strategies to help you become a better listener is to

set the stage. There are things you could do, even before the conversation

starts, to prepare yourself to listen better. Do this by taking out or cutting off

all factors that could take away your attention. Keep the phone and other

electronics away, and put off or limit any background music. Generally, you

should ensure that you are in an environment that allows you to focus and

be present in what is happening. Ensure that your friend also finds the

setting accommodating.

Monitor Your Body Language

Your nonverbal cues play a role as important as your words. Your

nonverbals should also indicate that you are listening. Therefore, ensure

that your body language is open, maintain eye contact, lean forward, and

occasionally touch your friend on the shoulder, reassuringly, to

communicate your interest in the conversation. It also helps if you can

avoid being restless and fidgeting because it comes off as boredom or as

having a dismissive attitude. Also, kindly note that reaching out with your

hand to hold your friend’s hand or handing out some tissue will show your

friend that you are vested and affected by what the friend is saying.

Keep Your Mind In What Is Happening

In your empathy, you may be so caught up by what your friend is saying

that you start thinking of all the ways you could intervene to help the

situation. The issue is that once you start engaging your mind, thinking

about these things, you will likely miss some important details of the

conversation, and by the time you are ready to suggest your solution, the

details may have changed, causing your solution to be deemed irrelevant.

Therefore, let your mind, and all your other senses are engaged in what is

being said and show your interest too through your nonverbal behavior.

Resist the temptation to bring out your own experiences. Although it makes

sense to show your friend that you too have gone through something

similar, as a way to show that you relate to what your friend is going

through, there are times when this is not the right path to take. There is a

likelihood that your story will carry the day, and the result will be that your

friend will end up feeling worse than she did before.

Therefore, whenever you feel that you want to chip in by sharing your

experiences, examine the reasons why you find it useful to do so. Are you

looking to comfort and support your friend or are you on a quest to shine

too? Ensure that your desire to help is not driven by selfish motives, and

when the chance comes and you have shared your story, kindly shift back to

the initiator of the conversation.

Include Some Questions

When you keep asking questions, you show that you are engaged in the

conversation and that you care about your friend’s perspective on what

happened. Questions are a great way to ensure that you are taking in

information the right way and that the details you have so far are accurate.

Follow up a conversation with questions like, “Did I get it right that you

were scheduled to board the bus that arrives at noon?”

That said, ensure that your questions do not come off as intrusive or out of

touch, especially if you plan to offer any advice. That said, questions should

guide you into discovering the kind of help your friend is looking for. It

could be that he only wants a hearing ear, a hug, or some sound advice.

Whichever the case, you must be equipped to help.

Acknowledge When You Are Not Ready

However much supportive and willing you are to help; there will be times

that you will be distracted by other things and not in a position to listen. It

could be that something exceedingly big is happening in your life; the

setting is not right or that you just know you cannot be of help for the time

being. When this is the case, ask your friend if it would be all right if you

picked the conversation and spoke at another time. Let your friend know

that the decision is not a reflection of your unwillingness to help out; it's

only that you want to do it when the times and the circumstances are

favorable so that the friend gets your full concentration.

Avoid Errors in Communication

Avoid the following errors in your conversations:

Talking Quickly And Loudly

Your tone is almost as important as the words you speak. It is estimated to

account for approximately 38 percent of your communication. If you talk in

an angry voice or keep rushing your words, your friend will shift into

defensive mode right away. However, when you speak slowly in a friendly

tone, your listener will be more interested in listening to you. In that tone,

you can even speak on delicate situations, and the message will be received

well.

Leaning Back And Crossing Your Legs Or Arms

Even if your words are sweet and tender, so long as your body language

communicates indifference, your message will be received with

indifference. Experts say that the words you speak are only 7 percent of the

communication you do, while 55 percent of the communication is made by

the body language.

Hiding Your Feelings

Whatever you feel, whether good or bad, is okay. Feelings are your body’s

emotional response to stimuli, and they cannot be classified into right and

wrong feelings. People should be able to share all that is in their hearts,

openly, honestly, and using simple language that does not contain

metaphors, that could mask any feelings.

Interrupting In The Middle Of A Conversation

You may have been friends to the point that you even finish each other’s

sentences, and when she or he speaks, a word is enough to jog a memory

that could make you two laugh or talk all day. As familiar as you may be

with each other, there is a place and time for all that friendliness. When

things are leaning towards the serious side, even the best best-intentioned

humor will appear rude. Therefore, when your friend wants to share with

you, ensure that you value and give ear to all that your friend has to say.

Blaming Your Friend For Your Feelings

Many things around you, or their memories, could trigger some feelings in

you, without necessarily having caused them, in any given day. It is

therefore important that you take note of what makes you feel as you do,

and take account of the triggers. Identifying the difference between the two

feelings is important because it causes you to be accountable for how you

feel. Take responsibility for how you feel and resist the temptation of

blaming another person.

Ignoring Your Friend When He Or She Speaks

Some people blatantly ignore a person by walking away when the person is

speaking, or subtly, by making some glances on their phone, reviewing their

notes as someone talks, or watching TV. Although some situations will call

for you to multitask, you ought to make conscious effort to listen to the

person speaking to you, and in time, they will also reciprocate the attention

to you or to other people.

Tricks and Techniques to Have Good Friendships

Let Your Actions Match Your Words

It is easy to tell your friend that you will be right beside him or her, but

these words lose meaning when you cannot live up to them. Trust is built

and preserved when your friend understands that he or she can lean on you.

Build trust by being where you promised to be, and your friend will know

that your words can be trusted.

Address Conflicts

It is impossible to remain friends with someone without ever differing in

opinion and arguing. Arguments are a healthy part of a conversation so long

as they are handled in the right way, maturely. Becoming defensive,

bickering, and avoiding the issue entirely do not resolve the conflict. It

takes two willing parties to sit down and talk about the issue with the

intention of reaching a solution. However, both parties must have agreed on

the existence of a conflict and must share in the resolve to find a solution.

Use ‘I’ And ‘We’ Statements

As we have mentioned in previous chapters, using ‘you’ in statements

causes the listening party to become defensive and to five a hostile

response. ‘I’-statements, on the other hand, produce the opposite effect

because neither party is blamed for the prevailing situation. Usually, the

feedback from the ‘I’ statements is positive.

Resolve it now

If there is an issue or a situation that needs your attention now, address it

now. The longer you wait it out, the harder it gets to resolve, and the more

anxious you will get. The only times when you should wait out a situation is

when you feel angry, and you cannot stay calm. Then, take a breather and

revisit the issue when you are calmer. Taking some time off ensures that

you do not behave or speak in a manner that will cause you to regret later.

Be Clear

People cannot read your mind, which means that they have no clue about

what you are thinking or how you feel. You cannot also give hints and

clues, expecting that people will understand what you are saying. Do not

ramble either. Let your words be clear and concise. Let them address the

issues directly also, without beating around the bus

Chapter 8: Non-Violent

Communication

Stuff is bound to flare up in your relationships. There will be times when

the things become so thick people cannot see eye to eye, and this is when

nonviolent communication (NVC) will come into play.

NVC prevents conflicts from taking place by helping to establish a

foundation of respect and trust when people communicate. The beauty of

NVC is that even at the point when you feel most angry and ready to flare

up and when your initial response will be overboard because you were

angry, NVC causes you to act in a trusting and respectful manner, without a

hint of passive aggression that typically causes resentment and distrust.

By definition, NVC is a communication framework designed to reduce

conflict and tension among the people. It provides us with a lens that gives

us an entirely different perspective of the world. It also changes how people

express themselves to others, connect and communicate with others, and

how they empathize with them. Essentially, NVC enables you to create a

better, higher quality connection so that people may enjoy being in a

relationship that has mutually beneficial outcomes.

Below are a few of the features of an NVC:

1. Peaceful Resolution of Conflicts

Conflicts are a normal part of interacting and relating with other people, but

the important thing is to resolve them peacefully and productively, and this

process requires some considerable time, support, and lots of practice.

Peaceful conflict resolution engages both parties and has them working

together to de-escalate, process, and resolve a conflict situation.

In this case, rather than confronting each other or burying the conflict as a

whole, feuding persons are encouraged to demonstrate courage by opening

up to each other regarding the conflict and how it affected them. They are

also asked to show compassion to each other’s side of the story,

empathizing with the other party’s experiences or interpretation of the

events. Thirdly, the parties are asked to work together, in collaboration, to

process the conflict and to come up with a resolution plan.

Here are the guidelines that help to chatter the way as you work towards

resolving your c0nflict in a peaceful, healthy, and kind way, even in the

circumstances that are very tense:

Remain calm: remember that you control your emotions and not the other

way. You must be able to manage your anger emotions before you can help

another person manage his. Whichever method you use, from breathing

deeply to others you may have up your sleeve, the idea here is to keep your

emotions under wraps long enough to allow a negotiation

There are no winners: sometimes, the conflict will revolve around a

ridiculous issue of little or no consequence. For example, don’t get caught

up in conflict regarding a football match that happened or even one that is

going to happen. Although fans can be very passionate, the players

determine which team wins and which ones lose by their playing in the

field. As fans, you have to sit back and watch. Don’t lose your peace over

things you have no control over, especially those that do not require your

participation. Also, do not fear to submit to another’s opinions regarding

issues like these because they do not influence your life in the first place.

Give audience to the other party: If someone is making you part of an

uncomfortable conversation, give them the opportunity to speak as much as

they need to. Acting disinterested or interrupting them while they talk will

not work in your favor; it will only aggravate the situation. Remember that

at the time, the person is not rational, and he can pull you in that direction.

Therefore, give him time to get everything off his system and eventually,

things will calm down.

Do not engage in verbal insults: when resolving a conflict, be watchful of

your tone and the words you use. Avoid abusive or angry words; let your

inner voice do the work. Audibly speaking profanity, screaming, and using

hateful language only escalates the conflict.

Maintain a safe and comfortable distance: If you fear that the situation

could quickly deteriorate and turn physical, keep a safe distance from the

other person. This will keep the person from attacking you or from

interpreting your physical moves as offensive postures. Therefore, keep

your distance and do not give room for the other person to feel threatened.

Overall, when you want to resolve a conflict peacefully, seek higher ground.

Ask yourself, “Is it better to be right or happy?” From there, you will

quickly figure out what you need to do.

2. Reconciliation after a Conflict

After a conflict, reconciliation allows parties to return to working together

to build the society and to achieve the shared goals. Parties must begin to

move past their divided opinions into a shared future. Reconciliation is

meant to restore the relationship between people to allow for future

engagements and collaborations. Unfortunately, reconciliation can be quite

difficult, especially because there are so many setbacks and failures

involved, depending on the depth of the conflict. However, the only real

failure would be if the parties involved did not consider reconciliation.

There is no definite systematic process that parties can follow to resolve a

conflict; each situation demands a unique approach. However, there are

some lessons you could carry away to help you resolve the conflicts in your

life:

Reconciliation is both the process and the destination.

Reconciliation cannot be done in haste because it takes time to address the

underlying issues such as anger, pain, frustration, and others.

Reconciliation processes should not be judged as either successes or

failures because each process will have its micro wins and successes

Reconciliation is done in several stages, and parties should expect relapses

too.

Mutual interests can be very effective in facilitating reconciliation between

feuding parties.

With the understanding that reconciliation does not involve specific steps,

parties should, however, ensure that both sides are heard. Parties must also

be ready to abandon their old beliefs.

3. Secrets of Mediating Knowledge

There will be situations where the only thing feuding parties can agree on is

that they need the help of a mediator. The mediator ought to be a neutral

party, whose role is not to judge and declare the winner and the loser. His

goal is to help the parties come to an understanding.

Mediation takes place in two stages. The first stage is the joint session.

Mediation begins by holding a meeting that lets the mediator in the

prevailing situation. The parties present their facts, and each side indicates

what its ideal resolution of the situation would be. The mediator also needs

to have all the information regarding what started the conflict and where it

has gotten to as at now.

The second stage is the caucus stage, and in this one, the mediator is

obliged to hold separate sessions with each party. The details of the meeting

should be highly confidential but for the statements that the first party

would want to be repeated to the second party. The mediator then collects

each side’s interests, including information about the concerns and needs

that the dispute is affecting.

Once the second stage is done, the mediator then begins moving from one

party to another, collecting proposals and suggestions that the parties

believe will satisfy their interests equally. Ultimately, a solution is reached.

Sometimes, it will be a one-sided victory while other times, it will end in a

‘win-win’ situation.

4. Making Bad Thoughts Disappear

When bad thoughts plague your mind, closing your eyes as tightly as you

can do not shut them out. The thought or the feeling keeps popping up, over

and over. The thoughts could be of a disturbing story you heard on the

news, nagging self-doubt, or thoughts of your relationship that went sour.

All these thoughts make you miserable and cause you to feel imprisoned by

your cruel mind.

Some people believe in the divine, and will invoke the power of their

deities to drive the negative thoughts away, while the second group believes

that nothing can be done about it. They believe that these thoughts have to

come up and that blocking them out is only a waste of time. The good news

is that you can totally block out unproductive thoughts, but only when

armed with the right strategies.

One fact you must remember is that blocking out the negative thoughts is an

effort in futility because one way or another, the thoughts rebound. Later

on, when your guard is down, the thought comes back with the vengeance

of a battalion, and suddenly, all you can think about are the negative

thoughts. However, it is possible to block out the negative thoughts and not

have any rebounds; you only need to remember two things.

The first is that blocking the thought is difficult, but just because it is

difficult does not mean that you need to think about it. Your brain is not out

to get you with the negativities. Stop thinking about the difficulty of letting

the thoughts go because it is this thinking that gives the thought more

meaning and importance, making it even more challenging to get rid of.

The second step is to know how to handle negative thought when it shows

up. The solution is to plan, in advance, what to do when the thought comes

to mind. Some opt to ignore it while others choose to replace the negative

thought with some positive ones.

5. Using Positive Language

Language is quite a powerful tool, and the manner in which you express

yourself affects how it is received, whether positively or negatively.

Positive language is so effective it is used to convey even bad news. It also

elicits cooperation and reception, unlike negative language that arouses

confrontation and argument. In your daily communication, positive

language helps to project a positive, helpful image while negative language

projects a destructive image.

You must have come across a naysayer in the course of your life. A

naysayer is a person who criticizes ideas, always having an opinion about

why an idea won’t work. Sometimes, the naysayer won’t even have a

negative attitude, he or she will just speak using words or a tone that

implies negativity. If you have been around someone like that, you know

just how annoying and mentally fatiguing a person like that can be.

Since naysayers get creative by the day, here is how you identify negative

language: it carries the message that you cannot do something, it subtly

blames you, it does not mention or stress the positive consequences, and it

includes words like can't, unable to, won't, and other words that let the

listener or the reader know what cannot be done.

Positive language, on the other hand, will tell you what can be done, it will

sound encouraging or helpful than bureaucratic, offer suggestions of

possible alternatives and it stresses the positive actions or consequences that

the reader or listener should expect. You certainly would want to lean

towards positive language so that you can be a fountain of hope and

positivity for others. Take up positive language and positive thinking, and

replace all your negative statements with positive ones.

6. Being Honest

Honesty is one of the simplest values to practice, yet it can take you to

heights you never imagined. It can also make you so fulfilled, happy, and

successful better than any other virtue. Trust honesty to rip through deceit

and lies. As a noble human being, honesty should be one of the

foundational pillars of your core principles and values in life.

By definition, honesty is not just about telling the truth; it also is about you

being real with yourself and with others about who you are on the inside,

what you like, and what is most important to you, if you are going to lead

an authentic life. Honesty empowers you and causes you to be more open

so that you have consistency in your delivery of facts. It also sharpens your

focus and perception, allowing you to see the things around you with

greater clarity.

If you are not honest, you certainly are lying or being deceitful. Lying is

terrible, whether you are deceiving yourself or others. Whenever you lie,

you fool yourself into believing the things you’re saying. You also begin to

dig a ditch of hypocrisy that only gets bigger with time. A liar confuses

himself and others around him, losing all credibility, and possibly putting

himself in harm’s way.

Deception gets even more serious when you deceive yourself. It all begins

with you messing around with the concepts of right and wrong, morality,

and the concepts of desires and dreams. You will find yourself lying to be

able to do something you very well know is wrong. When you do this once

and succeed, nothing will stop the chain of lies that follows. You will lie to

have your way, to misrepresent your shortcomings, or to have the upper

hand unjustly. Lies set you on the path to crime.

If you want to be a law-abiding, honest citizen, then honesty is the way to

go. It will build your faith, empower your will, and increase your

confidence. It will also ensure that you present your authentic self to others,

and you will attract only those who want to be in your life. You will not

have to live your life pretending or feigning an attitude or putting up a front

as people do for their fake friends. Your life will be peaceful, and you will

enjoy every bit of it.

7. Creating Feelings

One of the greatest discoveries of my life has been that my feelings are the

product of the thoughts I have been having all day. If your thoughts focus

on the positive side of life and on bright, happy things, you are bound to

feel happy about yourself. This goes to show that if you master your

thoughts throughout the day, you will have mastered your feelings.

More than anything, you want to have a happy life by being happy with

who you are and accepting others for who they are. Positive feelings cause

you to feel good, energetic, determined, and able to take action to pursue

and achieve what you want. They improve your relationship with others and

make you likable.

To develop positive feelings, often think about the positive effects the

feelings will bring to your life and the immense changes that could come

from it. Do not allow your mind to engage in negative thoughts and

feelings. When you wake up, before you do anything else, smile and declare

to yourself, “I will have a wonderful day today!” As you go about your day,

look back to the times when you were happy and visualize the joys you will

be having in the days to come, also. If something makes you angry, wait a

while before you react, see if it is worth your attention. Some things are

minor and only need to be ignored.

To remain positive, whenever you meet people you don’t like, try to show

them some positivity. It doesn’t mean that you suddenly become friends; it

only helps to keep you from having negative thoughts. Inspirational quotes,

some funny comedies, and some music will also help keep up the positivity.

Some people even take up meditation to help them get rid of the thoughts

they don’t want. As you get into bed at the end of the day, make another

declaration and say, “I will have an awesome day tomorrow!”

Take up any other habit that makes you feel happy, so long as it does not

hurt or infringe on the happiness of other people.

8. Making and Receiving Good Praise

When it comes to motivating the people around you, or when someone

wants to motivate you offering praise and recognition can have quite a

positive effect. We all feel good when others praise us. This kind of

recognition brings up feelings of pride, pressure, and raises a person’s self-

esteem. This is because praise releases a burst of dopamine, the feel-good

hormone that controls pleasure and reward centers in the brain. The result is

a good feeling that could change the trajectory of a person’s life, change his

self-image or at the very least, brighten his day.

On the other hand, the wrong praise, delivered at the wrong time, in the

wrong company can be quite devastating. It can crush a man, crush his

spirit, and crush his esteem. For this reason, when thinking about offering

praise to someone, there are key factors you need to consider.

The first is that at the very least, your praise should have the name of the

person you are recognizing, mention the specific thing you are praising him

or her for, and it should be sincere. Mentioning a name conveys respect and

special recognition. Mentioning the specifics makes the praise sound more

sincere as opposed to a vague recognition. All praise should be sincere

because if it is not true, then it is flattery. Flattery manipulates people’s

emotions because it uses empty and false praise. Praise only has meaning

when it comes from someone whose opinion you value, and often, you

value that person’s opinion because you trust that the person is sincere.

If you are receiving praise, how you accept it matters a lot. The way to

accept praise is to show that you have received and accepted it. A simple

acknowledgment statement like, “Thank you, I worked hard on this one”

will suffice. If other people contributed to this success, mention their names

as well, and say how instrumental they were. Another critical factor is to

mind your body language as you receive and acknowledge the compliment.

Sit up straight, and maintain eye contact.

Conclusion

Thank you for making it through to the end of Effective Communication:

Communication Skills Training. A Guide To Effective Communication Skills

For Couples, With Friends, In the Workplace And Improve The Nonviolent

Communication. Let’s hope it was informative and able to provide you with

all of the tools you need to achieve your goals whatever they may be.

Communication is an intricate part of all relationships we develop as human

beings, and for the relationships to go well, our communication must be

effective.

From your reading, you have read that communication is not just about the

words you speak, as many people tend to think, it also has to do with the

body language you present and the expression of your emotions through the

attitudes and tone you present. In fact, experts say that words were spoken

only contribute to a small proportion of the communication, but body

language, attitude, and tone carry the day. Therefore, it is essential that you

know how to present yourself so that the actions of your body reflect the

words that you speak, and this book comprehensively covers every part,

nuke, and cranny that pertains to communication to help you convey your

exact thoughts and feelings without having to clear up on issues or

repeating your statements.

With all this knowledge at your disposal, the next step is to consciously

examine your communication skills to identify areas that need

improvement. During the course of your reading, you must have learned

quite a number of things or realized that you were doing some things

wrong. The necessary step now is to take up all that knowledge and make it

part of your communication. Be sincere, empathetic, trustworthy, listen to

people better, and know how to interpret body language.

Become an effective communicator to better the relationship you have with

your colleagues at work, your bosses, your family, spouse, friends, and the

people you meet. I am sure that your effective communication will make

you more charismatic, friendly, and trustworthy.

Finally, if you found this book useful in any way, a review on Amazon is

always appreciated!

Conversation Skills

Introduction

Thank you for purchasing this book. There are so many books that talk

about these communication skills but you settling for this one is about to

turn your communication world around. This book handles all the matters

concerning effective communication between individuals with an intent to

pass information from one person to the next. It also covers how

communication affects our daily human lives. Find out some barriers to

communication and how you can deal with them. The book also covers the

matter of fear of people and the reasons we avoid people. You also get to

find out core conversation skills and why listening is very essential in the

world of communication. Learn about non-verbal skills. That means how to

recognizing and act on them. Know what each non-verbal skill might mean.

You can also learn how to improve your non-verbal skills from this book.

Get to know the common rules, practices and even mistakes that are

associated with making conversations. Learn what words are appropriate in

that situation. This book helps you to make new friends and to become a

better friend. There are tips on how to maintain your friendships. There also

ways in which you can be a social magnet. This is something that most

people desire. This is because they like the company people give. This book

helps you to be a better negotiator. That comes with you being better at your

communication with others. Learn the importance of critical or crucial

conversations in your life. These mean very important conversations. There

is also the power of dialogue which is discussed in this book. For further

information then proceed reading the content of the book.

CHAPTER 1: How to Deal with

Shyness, Anxiety, and Insecurity

It is a no-brainer that Communication is the most important aspect of

human life. This is something we cannot live without at all. It helps us to

pass on information from one person to another. Communication is faced

with some barriers. The barriers can be physical, emotional, mental or even

psychological. In this case, we look at shyness, anxiety, and insecurity at a

larger scale.

How Shyness, Anxiety, and Insecurity Affect Communication.

Shyness is one barrier to communication. Shyness can be defined as the fear

of someone being able to express themselves. This means that a person is

unable to express their issues to other people or to even a specific person.

With shyness, one is unable to communicate—thus, his or her grievances

are not passed on to others. Their grievances are not the only thing that is

not passed out, another thing that is not a passed out is their opinions on

certain matters.

Anxiety is another barrier. Anxious people are great overthinkers. These

people, therefore, are scared to take a step or to take initiative. Anxiety

causes so many symptoms that lead to someone being slow and afraid of

their different social institutions. Communication for this person becomes

less and less due to fear. They may become antisocial at the end of it all.

Their health may worsen with time as they are away from other people and

their communication with others is rare.

Insecurity is another factor that affects our communication. Insecure people

have trouble trusting others. Communication cannot take place without

trust. Trust is like the ultimate basis of communication and without it then

no communication can take place. Insecure people rarely have any social

bonds like; a working relationship, a stable family relationship or even a

dating relationship. Some people might say they messed up for life,

especially if they do not overcome their own insecurities. These people

cannot communicate easily since they shut off everyone and this is really

unhealthy for them.

All the above hinder communication between people thus good

communication. To understand them one has to know their causes and how

to deal with them eventually.

Causes of Shyness, Anxiety, and Insecurity

Shyness

Shyness can be explained as when a person cannot face others and talk to

them or converse with them. Shyness may be from childhood or from

adolescence where one picks up new things in one's life. Shyness can be

caused by several factors.

The First, factor is negative parenting skills. This is when the parents of a

certain child are always negative towards him or her then the child is likely

to be shy. Also, if the parents of the child support him or her less then

shyness from the child is a likely result. Positive parenting and actively

supportive parents raise very confident children.

Low self-esteem is another causative factor. This is when a person does not

believe in himself or herself. When a person does not believe they can do

something they tend to shut off or they became less outspoken. They are not

like confident people.

Low self-worth is also another factor. Self-worth is how someone perceives

themselves. Low self-worth is brought about mostly by listening to what

people say about oneself and taking it to heart. When one does this, they see

themselves as worthless and useless thus someone cuts off from others.

The last factor is the number of children in a household. Studies have

shown that in a household where there is more than one child, the children

are likely confident but the fewer the children the less the child is going to

be confident. More children mean more scramble for recourses thus the

child will know how to fend for themselves.

Anxiety

What is anxiety? Anxiety is a mental disorder that makes someone’s

interaction with others become less. Anxiety disorders are many; they

include panic disorders, social anxiety disorder, phobias, and generalized

anxiety disorders. The major one concerning the issue of communication is

a social anxiety disorder. This disorder makes one be overly self -conscious

in social institutions and occasions. These disorders are treated by

psychiatric treatment by a professional psychiatrist. Some symptoms that

come about with anxiety include; panic, insomnia (lack of sleep), being

sweaty, dry mouth and dizziness. Anxiety is majorly caused by the stress of

day to day life. If one can avoid stress, then one can avoid being anxious

and always being self –conscious. Life is about loosening up a little for

healthy relationships with oneself and others. Anxiety also has some

diseases strapped to it like high blood pressure due to increased pulse rate.

Insecurity

Insecurity is when one lacks confidence in others. This especially touches

the issue of trust. This lack of confidence makes one second guess everyone

and everything. Insecurity is mostly driven by past experiences with other

people. Its main symptom is that one does not easily get attached to other

people in any way. This is actually bad in the sense that they cannot easily

share a bond with other people. Insecurity has a few causes:

First, the cause of insecurity is an unloving childhood. When one is stuck in

an unloving home as a child it can lead to so much mistrust and

detachments. An example is a child who grew up in the foster system. The

child will probably move from one unloving home to another until they

reach the legal age of 18 years. This causes the child to be so insecure and

he or she will keep wondering why he or she was abandoned by the parents.

Another cause of insecurity is an intimate relationship breakup. This may

majorly affect adolescents and young adults. When one breaks up with their

boyfriend or girlfriend due to some trust issues like infidelity, these make

one be unable to move on. When the affected person tries to get back into

the dating game, he or she is unable to. The past haunts them back and

forth.

Lastly, growing up in a rough neighborhood is another cause. This affects

the children in the neighborhood since they can’t trust anyone. Normally it’s

all about fighting and ganging up. So, when the child finally grows up, he

or she does not know how to trust anyone around them. These people are

normally sensitive even if they show toughness.

There other communication barriers in and around but for now we focused

on the three important ones at hand. All the above barriers affect man

emotionally, mentally and psychologically.

Indications of Shyness, Anxiety, and Insecurity

Shyness

A shy person is unable to face a crowd. Most of them look downwards or

they never look into someone’s eyes while talking to them. They tremble

and shake when they are talking to a crowd. They may also stammer while

talking or slur and the kind that happens when one is drunk.

Anxiety

An anxious person experiences muscle tension. This is due to the stress

incurred to the body from the mind of the person affected. They may also

show signs of being restless. This comes from many worries that a person

has in his or her mind. Other symptoms include fatigue, which is caused by

all the worry and tension. This makes the body of the affected to be very

tired.

Anxiety also makes a person prone to panic attacks. This is a series of

attacks that lead to shortness inbreathe and at times one loses

consciousness. Those who experience them see as if they last longer but

they only last for a few minutes or seconds. Some victims have racing

hearts, which might also cause high blood pressure due to the increased

pulse.

Insecurity

Insecure people often keep away from people this makes one to be a loner.

They prefer to be a solo ride rather than have people around them. With

their trust issues, they prefer doing things on their own. Their trust issues

may extend to anyone even to their families. This makes them push

everyone aside, no matter who you are.

They don’t form relationships since they do not form bonds with others.

Relationships are built on trust and since insecure people are afraid to trust

anyone, they cannot be in any kind relationship. This applies to all

relationships like friendship, marriage.

They are more vulnerable than normal people. Since they are already

broken emotionally, they easily breakdown at some little insensitivity. They

don’t show this side easily, but it actually exists. They hate showing their

emotions to people.

How to Overcome Shyness, Anxiety, and Insecurity

Shyness, anxiety, and insecurity are communication barriers that must be

eradicated. Generally, this is breaking through these given barriers of

communication in order to make communication efficient. These barriers

have so many solutions but we are going to mention and explain a few of

each given barrier so that one may be able to avoid it or get past it.

How to Overcome Shyness

This may sound insane and extremely expressed but some people have

figured a way to overcome their shyness in front of a crowd. People believe

that if they view their audience naked then they will be rid of their shyness

at the moment. I know it seems out of sorts but some people think it works

for them.

Another way is by talking less. When one talks more, they are less likely to

make sense and most of the time end up embarrassing themselves. Being on

point and precisely makes one seem presentable, mature and capable of any

task one is assigned. So, if you are shy keep it short and see how well you

will do it.

Not listening to what others say about you what matters is what you think

of yourself. When one listens to gossip and rumor-mongering and it

happens to be negative then one’s self-esteem is lowered. This makes one

doubt about oneself. When one doesn’t listen to rumors then one remains

confident. This method tries to raise one’s self-worth and self-esteem. If

you do that your confidence will bloom 100%.

Forgetting past mistakes like messing up in front of people. Telling oneself

that happened and it is long gone is the best way of getting through it. Also

is the second time around trying again one would surely not mess up by

learning from the past. The past should be buried in the past to avoid

problems in the future.

Establishing one’s strengths and weaknesses. This helps one to know what

to avoid and what to show while in a conversation with other people. One’s

strengths are supposed to show one’s maximum power and his or her

weaknesses are to show the areas that need working on.

Teaching oneself on small talk. A ‘hey’ is a great way to start up a

conversation or learning people's interests and diving deep into their likes in

a conversation is a way to spice up your conversation. Small talk involves

talking about the First, things that come into mind. This helps one to keep a

live conversation going. After teaching oneself about small talk and

excelling at it. Keep the conversation between you and others alive. Practice

makes perfect is very much applicable in this case.

How to Overcome Anxiety

Exercise is a good way to curb anxiety, which builds up from stress.

Exercise is good and healthy for the body and acts as a relaxing agent for

the mind. An example is a morning jog to clear one’s mind or doing yoga,

which brings in the calmness of mind, body, and soul.

Keeping good company is another way. When one has a great company to

hang out with then one is less stressed out meaning fewer chances of one to

have anxiety issues. This happens since the people in your company will

listen and advise you on your issues. They will also give you a shoulder to

cry on when you need one. They will always have your back.

Drinking some calming tea example; chamomile tea, which is sweet and

has a soothing nature. This keeps the body relaxed and at peace. When the

mind is at peace, so is the body. Caffeine is a great stimulant, which

stimulates and relaxes the mind when taken in the right amounts.

Taking a break like having off days or even vacations. This relaxes one's

mind from daily routine. This is a soothing and most real way to relax. This

is very important since both the body and the mind need a break from the

normal routine for something different and relaxing.

Getting enough sleep. This is sleeping a minimum of 8 hours of sleep. This

allows the brain to recharge for the following day. Rest is very important in

human life. Without rest, the body and mind are both struggle to keep focus,

this is bad if one needs to be active in the day’s activities.

Taking wholeness activities that put your mind at ease like going for

retreats, spa pampering and watching TV are perfect for relaxing. Well, too

much of television is pretty harmful, but a little bit of it is good enough for

relaxing. This is what I call pampering oneself. From time to time our

bodies and mind to be pampered for them to keep ongoing.

Eating healthy. This keeps the body in shape to fight any diseases, thus a

relaxing method. This is a method of taking care of oneself. For the mind to

function properly, then the body must be healthy. A proper diet ensures a

healthy body and mind.

Anxiety is greatly curbed by avoiding stress. Stress is the main causative

agent of anxiety. Anxiety can be avoided by avoiding people’s comments

and insults about oneself and only considering what one feels and not the

rest. When one listens to rumors, especially the negative ones, one wants to

fix everything that was said wrong. This leads to frustration, which makes

someone anxious. Rumors should, therefore, be ignored for the better.

How to Overcome Insecurity

Not getting too attached to people too much. To avoid being emotionally

scarred by people close to you one has to not fully attach themselves to

these people. I didn’t say you cannot love them no I just said one should

understand their human nature. This means people come and leave, grow

up, may never say sorry, they may flourish or falter. That just reminds us

that the people we love are just human and are bound to make mistakes.

Going through therapy. This mostly applies to those who grew up being

unloved. In order to overcome the pains in the past one must face them in

order to look to the future. Therapy just helps one to muddle through that

childhood trauma. Through therapy one opens up to new opportunities and

change, hence the insecurities can change to some trust. This is a great way

to start a new one.

Learning to trust oneself. This is the key to trusting others. Once someone is

able and willing to trust themselves then and only then will they be able to

willingly trust others truly. Trust must come from within for it to be shared

with others.

Understanding oneself First, For one to flourish in believing in others, then

they must First, ask themselves this question; who am I? What do I seek to

accomplish? Why am I here? These questions bring a person to fully

understand their purpose, hence understanding themselves. For one to

understand others one must understand oneself for better communication.

Not expecting too much from people. This basically means that one should

not expect anything from anyone apart from themselves. This is a great way

to avoid pain and hurt caused by other people. It works for people in

intimate relationships. Trust someone but do not expect the earth and the

moon from them. Insecurity has many more causes most of them are

psychologically built-in. They're mostly caused by trauma and can be

overcome by therapy by a professional.

Consequences of Anxiety, Insecurity, and Shyness

It interferes with socialization. Making new friends becomes more difficult.

These fears tend to push the victims further away from the real world. All

the victims want to do is be alone with their problems and insecurities.

They forget to live normally and become like an island of their own.

One misses out on great opportunities. An example is losing a great job

since one cannot communicate properly. Since the victims cannot express

themselves clearly, they get surpassed by cool and confident people. This

mainly happens on job interviews thus they become even more

disappointed with life at large.

They may cause health effects. This mainly affects people with anxiety and

also increased shyness leads to paranoia. Anxiety causes high blood

pressure due to the increase in heart rate and pulse rate.

Low self-esteem is another consequence. This is because one cannot trust

himself or herself. This is where a person loses his or her confidence thus

making oneself be very reserved and enclosed.

One may lack life direction which mainly comes from different friends’

opinions and advice. Without those two, then havoc reigns.

If one is not careful these fears then they can easily take control of one’s

life. They are easily manageable, but also can be a pain in the neck if

someone does not take action once, he sees the problem at hand. The

mindset of a particular person to change and acceptance of letting go of the

fear makes it easier to curb the fear. It may be slow but it graduates slowly

by slowly. This chapter gives awareness and guidance to people enclosed

by these fears. It also enables one to take action by choosing to be confident

and brave. The more we fight these fears, the better face to face

communication becomes.

CHAPTER 2: How Not to Avoid

People and the Fear Overcome of

Talking to Them

Talking to people is easy but also hard. Confidence is majorly important in

communication. Without confidence, communication is impossible. It is an

art that is learned slowly and through the process of life. For some people,

communication comes easy and for others, it’s a struggle, but since it’s an

art it can easily be learned by anyone and at any age. For one to be great at

communication they must identify their charm. What do l mean by this?

This means that everyone has a special charm. For instance: some people

have a positive sight of things when they talk while others always know the

right words to say in a particular situation. When one figures their charm or

what they can bring to the table, then communication will come easily.

Communication is like riding a horse in which one has to take up the reigns

and control them or steer them to one’s liking.

Someone may ask is it possible to avoid people? It is possible to avoid

people, someone may actually live in their own bubble and choose to ignore

everything around them. This seems lonely and unhealthy and yes, it is.

This chapter will cover ways on how to overcome avoid people. People

who are afraid of communication mostly avoiding others to avoid

communication. They do this as a mechanism to deal with their fear. In this

chapter, I am going to discuss ways on how to deal with the fear of talking

to people and also how not to avoid people.

Why Do People Avoid Others?

Avoiding others is something that happens to people with low self-

confidence. This is a big issue affecting a big chunk of people in the world.

Avoidance is a defense mechanism to shyness mostly. For some people

simply ignoring others in public is easy and being active in social media is

easier. We easily live in a lie or a utopia of covering everything up with

social media like Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter among others. This

situation happens in our everyday life and we fail to notice or do nothing

which does not solve the issue at hand. In order to solve the issue at hand,

we must understand why some people avoid others.

First, some people might fear how people look at them or how they might

treat them. People are afraid of being treated cruelly or in the wrong

manner. Human beings are afraid of rejection and tend to hide away from

other human beings to avoid being rejected or being shunned away by

people. Some believe that avoiding people just does them good. This is

called being in a comfort bubble. It means living without problems in the

world and the people in them. It makes someone feel safe and warm, but

one is alone.

People avoid others since they believed that they are stronger alone than

with others. They believe that others bring them down than uplifting them.

They do believe that being alone is the best. They work best at being loners.

Others avoid other people since they cannot believe in them. For example,

if someone constantly lies to you what happens is you ignore them to avoid

further lies by that person.

Another reason is some people tend to keep the conversation about them,

hence people avoid them to reduce hearing them hogging the conversation.

This is greedy and self-centered thus it is boring and annoying. Lastly,

People avoid others since people are unreliable, hence cannot be trusted in

their affairs. This makes people drift away from others. This shows a lack

of trust or confidence in people, which is being insecure in short.

Is Avoiding People Healthy?

This is a good question which each and everyone should ask themselves.

Avoiding people may be healthy or not healthy depending on the situation.

If a person avoids everyone, then that’s unhealthy it can lead to depression,

anxiety, and even stress. Another circumstance is when someone is

avoiding someone who is making them feel bad, then that is healthy it

means one is looking after himself or herself. The company one keeps is

very important to one’s growth. Avoiding someone does not solve any of

someone’s problems, it just covers it.

How to Not Avoid People

To find good ice breakers to start up a conversation. Find a starting point

you and others in a conversation. If one is found, then a conversation is set

to bloom for everyone. An icebreaker is set to keep the conversation

flowing and alive. Trying to be nice to everyone is also another way. When

you are nice then everyone will be nice thus easy for you to talk to

everyone. Being kind to others leads to them offering the same kindness

back and even in abundance.

Avoid being too trusting. This makes life easy, talk to everyone, but the

trust should be a little cut off to avoid being hurt by human unreliability and

negligence. Giving trust to people should be limited most of the time, but it

should be given since trust is the cement of all relationships. No man is an

island; hence man cannot leave alone once they realize then avoiding

people will be a thing of the past. A person lives by being interdependent

with other human beings. Man survives with others by his or her side.

Finding people who share your interests and goals and make friends with

them. This lets someone be close to others easily through those activities.

Like if you like swimming find others who share your passion and be

friends with them. Also, involving oneself with activities example:

swimming, yoga. These activities bring people together, thus building some

concrete relationships. These are extra or pampering activities that bring

people to close together. Lastly, looking nice and appealing to let people

close. Those who look nice appealing many people, thus bring people close

to each other. First, impressions matter. Good looks and great fashion draw

people close to you.

How to Overcome Fear of Talking to People

Fear is something all humans have connected to their lives. Fear of talking

to other people is present in a great percentage of people on earth. Can fear

be cowardice or is it normal? The answer is yes and no. People often fear to

talk to others. For example; when a guy wants to talk to a girl, he likes then

he will be afraid mostly because of her answer. In the case above this to me

is somehow like cowardice. The fear of talking to people is caused by the

result that a person is afraid of the answer he or she is going to receive. If a

person knew how to get past the fear of the inevitable answers then people

would overcome being afraid of conversing with others. This is the main

reason that brings about the fear of talking to people, but what are the other

reasons that cause people to be afraid to talk to others. Here are some:

People might be insecure with other people. This means people having less

confidence with other people. This is associated with trust and reliance.

People understand that others are unreliable thus cannot help them, thus

afraid to ask anything of other people. Also, seeing oneself like someone

who is not worth it. It involves self-worth and self-confidence which some

people may lack leading to self-enclosure. This makes someone to lower

their standards and loses their trust and confidence

Not believing in oneself. Belief comes hand in hand with confidence.

Confidence is needed in talking to others. Without belief in oneself leads to

one being closed up. Another reason is that one believes that his or her

ideas are irrelevant and stupid. This leads one to believe that they have no

say in any matter. One believes everything he or she comes up with is

stupid and that is a sign of a person having low self-esteem.

Looking back to the past where maybe someone pushed them away, thus

they cannot trust other people won’t do the same. Looking back to one’s

past always hinders one from moving forward toward the future. Another

thing is when someone is avoiding being embarrassed when they talk to

someone. Instead of being humiliated the just stay away from people. This

may be due to the fact that they talk too much or are unprepared for the

conversation.

Learning some ice breakers to help you in starting some conversation with

some people. This helps one to keep the conversation going. Another way is

by, starting some hobbies in order to meet new people and explore them

thus human communication. Also, learning to trust oneself, this means

seeing oneself as an important being and communicating too. Believing that

all one’s ideas are meaningful and important thus voicing them out is

another way. This leads to confidence 100 percent.

Calmness and coolness are another point. These attributes make someone

likable to many people. Talking less and bringing more important things to

the table to avoid saying something embarrassing oneself. Also identifying

one’s strengths and weaknesses which will help you soar in your

conversations. Another method is identifying one’s charm which brings out

your pop and uses it to your advantage to wow people when conversing

with them.

Lastly, find talking points to keep the conversation going between you and

others is a great way to not avoid people in day to day life. Also finding

people with similar interest to you and converse with them this is actually

the best way to make friends and to actually bump and be close to other

people.

Consequences of Being Afraid of Talking to Others

This leads to stress. This is because one is lonely and doesn’t have someone

to share things with. Without people in one's life, life becomes dull and

lonely. Life needs one to be surrounded by others in order to make life

worthwhile. Another consequence is that one becomes extra sensitive since

someone does not have someone close to him or her. This is normal for a

person who has so much emotional baggage which he or she has no one to

share with. Also, one becomes lonely. When someone is afraid to talk to

others, he or she does not have any friends. This is caused by someone’s

inability to get past the fear of making friends or talking to other people.

One is termed like a weirdo when someone rarely talks to others. A loner

seems like someone who is different since they are very reserved, unlike

normal people. This fact makes them look weird. This may be termed by

neighbors, and people who see the loner from time to time. Lastly, without

friends by one side then life loses direction making life disastrous. This is

because friends give one advice on matters in someone’s life. You will

realize with time that your friends are wise. Friends also give someone a

shoulder to cry on when it’s necessary.

Being afraid is normal in human beings. It works like a defense mechanism

for anything our bodies dislike. Every human being responds differently to

fear, but all the above measures are ways to curb fears of communication.

Man is nothing without other's support regardless of man's stupidity and

sometimes bad behavior, he is meant to be a social being. If man finally

understands his role in communication and buries his fear, then I say we

would have conquered.

In the 21st century, communication has been made easier but this only

applies to the non-face to face communication. By making this means easier

he made face to face communication very difficult. These fears associated

with face to face communication are simple to curb but seem to be

harboring so many people in the world. The good news is that every

problem has its solution at hand. This book gives you an overview of how

to deal with communication fears.

The non-face to face communication has taken on life, but not in all ways,

for example, work interviews. These kinds of important things that still

need us present and talking to people are the reason that we find a solution

to the fear of communication.

CHAPTER 3: Developing Your

Skills, Getting a Basic Feel for

Conversation and Core Listening

Skills

Communication has a lot of aspects of it which are glued and without them,

there would be no communication. These aspects the means or mode of

communication, sending an elaborate message for the recipient to

understand, also the recipient is key too, the ability of the recipient to

understand the sent message and finally the response to the message. The

aspects give communication the basic feel of being real and effective. If one

of the aspects is absent, then communication will be absent too or will not

take place. All of the aspects are equally important despite their different

roles. Communication happens in our day to day lives. This may be in small

conversations with friends or at work and in a presentation maybe for a

board of directors or at a seminar speaking about a certain topic to a group

of people.

Communication helps to bring people together. It leads to people giving out

messages and receiving them. Communication takes place in many ways.

For example: by phone, by letter and signs too. Communication has made

the world become like a small village this is because one can talk to people

on different continents as themselves. With communication being at the top

of its people easily be can be apart and together. This means that they may

be far from each other physically, but not in their everyday communication.

Communication is a quite interesting and easy subject because of its

diversity. Everyday communication happens and everywhere else.

Communication helps to keep people fresh and new. Every day they expect

something new and vibrant, thus they must experience, new friends and

people every day and this is courtesy.

Communication is what makes humans really human. What I mean is that a

man has language, well-developed one at that he is different from all other

animals. Other animals make sounds and noises, which is their way of

conversing with each other, which is unlike many. This special and it makes

communication in man to be very unique and exciting for everyone to know

and understand. Communication is the component that puts us forward 100

percent. Without it, things would never be smooth. Every day, a man finds a

new way to communicate and he puts it to the test. Normally, these new

ways are majorly easier ways to communicate with other people no matter

where they are. These new ideas come from intelligent people every day.

Intelligence is built up from communication and man’s other success.

This chapter talks about all the communication skills like listening skills,

written skills, verbal and non- verbal skills. The non-verbal skills are

important for communication is based on signs delivered to other people.

Also, this chapter is going to explain the mood or feel relevant in any

conversation. It also gives a feel of everything one needs in a conversation.

Lastly, I am going to dive into the listening skills to try and understand

them as well as to give you, the reader the basic ways to improve your

listening at large.

Developing One’s Communication Skills

As I mentioned before, their different communication skills. These skills

help to improve communication if they are used properly. These skills are:

listening, verbal and non-verbal skills. When these skills are not natured

communication becomes very difficult. So, these skills are working

progress every day to day life. Understanding these skills and their purpose

is the most important starting point for working towards them. Researching

also helps one to develop one’s communication skills. This research should

be about communication and how to go about it at large. Every person has a

duty to learn these skills to keep the conversation between him or her with

other people going. How can we improve these communication skills one

might ask? I will discuss ways on how to nature and improve these

communication skills.

How to Improve Listening Skills in Communication

Listening skills are important in every social institution that is: school, work

or even marriage. They help one person to understand others. They are also

key to solving problems since listening to someone’s grievances is what

makes someone to work on them. Communication is mainly about listening

to others and also responding to them. When someone rarely listens, then

most of the problems between him or her and others are rarely solved. Good

listening skills, earn someone other people’s trust and affection. Listening

skills are also essential when someone gives a high-ranking job. This is

because he or she has to listen to the grievances of other workers.

Characters of a Good Listener

First, they are compassionate. Without this trait, it is hard to listen to others.

Empathy and compassion are key since a good listener. This trait makes a

person less self-centered and a little bit more selfless. With these, a person

has a real knack for listening and solving problems. This trait makes

someone perfect for being a senior at work, school or home. This means

that these compassionate people make excellent leaders and they excel at it.

Secondly, they are open-minded. That means that they are open to new

ideas and also grievances. When someone, whether low ranking to them

comes to them, they are willing to listen. They are aware that everyone has

an idea and it may be relevant. They also believe that all people should have

a say in matters. These are some of the reasons why most of them are

activists fighting for other people’s rights. This trait makes them great

listeners and great problem solvers.

Another characteristic is that they are curious. This hunger for information.

Most of the time this hunger is insatiable, meaning one needs more ideas.

Thus, these people are always open to new and fresh ideas. They will

always listen in order to quench their everyday thirst for knowledge. They

believe listening gives them knowledge and knowledge is power. These

traits make them very considerate which is good when one is listening to

others.

They are also people who keep focus and are not easily distracted. For

someone to listen to something or someone they have to be very attentive.

A great listener is one that keeps focusing on the task of hearing people out.

Keeping the focus on one thing is usually hard for many people, thus this is

a quality with few people. If one possesses this quality then the person is

actually a good listener and even better problem solver. Lastly, a good

listener always asks questions. This helps the listener to understand and

clarify the subject that he or she is listening to. A good listener is also a

good academician thus he or she will ask questions then they will get

answered. This makes them very understanding and also very clear with the

subject at hand. Clarity is a great way to handle things as they should be.

Core Listening Skills

The core listening skills are those skills which comprise of the listening

skills in communication. They are a few core listening skills in a

conversation. First, is the body language which enables one to know

someone’s emotions, even without someone telling them in words? Another

is the responses one gives to the questions asked by others. One’s responses

to questions say so much about them. When someone answers questions

skillfully and diligently it normally means they were attentive. Also,

patience is another core skill. Without patience, one would not be able to

keep listening to people. Listening requires this value for it to work well.

How Does Someone Improve Their Listening Skills?

First, one is by sitting upright when listening to people. This helps one to

focus on the task at hand. Sitting upright and maintaining the right posture

helps one not drift off when one is being spoken to. Another way is by

keeping eye contact with the speaker this also allows someone not to drift

off to other things. Also, people could try to picture what the speaker is

saying. A visual always makes things easy to understand and really clear.

Asking questions is also another way to make someone listen and be alert.

Lastly, be keen and avoiding interrupting so that the message is clear and

understandable.

Verbal and Non-Verbal Communication Skills

Non-verbal skills are the signs and symbols used in communication. They

include facial signs, body posture. They help in making communication

easy and smooth. The emotions of a speaker to the recipient. Verbal skills

are those that are spoken by the speaker to the recipient. Many people

confuse verbal and writing skills, but the difference is very definite. Writing

skills involve writing the words down to the recipient while verbal skills

involve speaking the words to the recipient. This the easiest form of

communication. It may also be the hardest when someone is shy. Shyness

disrupts verbal communication to take place. Verbal skills are very

important since they are the basis of written communication. One writes

what they speak. If someone’s speaking is good, then his or her writing will

be good too. Verbal skills are learned over time in someone’s life. This may

be through the available social institutions like the school, church, and

home and also at work. Verbal skills are very old it was First, made after

man evolved from ape and he made organized societies. Languages are

many or diverse thus they make verbal skills very unique.

The Pros of Verbal Communication

Verbal skills have their own upper hand; this means that it has several

advantages. Verbal communication can be done by anyone at any time. That

means it is not picky and grounds to do it are not minimal or restricted.

Verbal communication may reach a larger audience than other means. For

example, talking on television or radio. The message is less likely to be

misunderstood by anyone who was listening to the speaker keenly. It does

not take up anyone’s time. It, therefore, keeps time for the speaker if he or

she is clear. Also, in verbal communication, there is room for questions and

clarification. In verbal communication what was said in the past can be used

in the future thus it is reliable. Verbal communication is also continuous

which is good for someone who can speak their mind without worry that the

recipient is not decoding the message. All these advantages are very

relevant and they make verbal communication easy and good to be used by

everyone.

The Cons of Verbal Communication

Everything with advantages must have its negative side, which is the

disadvantages. Verbal communication may be disrupted by people who

have different languages being talked to by someone who cannot speak

their language. This makes verbal communication difficult to be

accomplished. Also, verbal communication may not reach everyone who is

required to be reached. This makes it difficult to convey any message.

Verbal communication cannot be referred to in the future, thus unreliable to

sort out future conflicts between two people or more. Verbal

communication is not so clear since the speaker says what he or she is

saying to finish and go eventually. This makes it difficult to look back and

say this is what he or she said.

Writing Skills in Communication

Writing is a method or mode of communication in which someone writes

down what they want to communicate. Writing skills are the most official

form of writing that is available. This mainly used in offices to

communicate, but it may also be used casually for example: writing a

friendly letter to a good friend or writing a text message on one’s electronic

devices. The writing was invented a long time ago for example: in Egypt

there were hieroglyphs. Writing is ancient and still modern because before

writing, communication was either verbal and the use of nonverbal cues.

Writing skills will never be forgotten since it gives a very authentic feel to

the recipient when the sender sends it. This is its own unique feel thus a

very good method to share information with others. Most people anyway

avoid writing off, for example, letters since they perceive them to be long

and tiring. People even found a great replacement for letters. They now

send text messages which are very brief and to the point. They can easily

use short forms to avoid using a lot of time in writing. Writing has been

developed from long to what it is now. It has seen through so many

generations and has served the people very nice and splendidly. Writing is a

beautiful art that people should not give up on and should strive to keep it

and use it wisely as it is special.

The Pros of Written Communication

In written communication, the message is clear and precise. The message

cannot be misunderstood since it is very direct on the message delivered to

the recipient. Another advantage is that written communication can be used

as a clarity point. It can be used to bring out any concerns that anyone

might have on the message. Written communication can be long since it is

written in clear words. Also, written communication easily reliable for

everyone. It can be written in any language, thus makes it easy for everyone

to understand. These are the great attributes of written communication.

Disadvantages of Written Communication

Written communication has as many disadvantages as advantages. What are

the disadvantages of written communication? First, is that written

communication is irrelevant to people who cannot read or write. Written

communication is most suitable for all who can read and write. Another

disadvantage is that when the translation of languages happens some words

may be left out thus translation is not perfect. Also, written communication

may not be used by visually impaired people unless it is a braille form. This

somehow looks like discrimination in its own way and light. Written

communication has so many loopholes that need fixing. These

disadvantages can be worked through ways that improve communication

every day. As much as written communication has its uniqueness it also has

problems to be worked on by us.

How to Improve Written Communication

Written communication has its own disadvantages that need to be worked

on. So what ways can someone improve written communication? First, all

the illiterate people should be taught how to read and write. Translation in

books and papers should be done with the consultation of natives of the

specific languages. Another way is by putting up braille alternatives for

visually impaired people. This helps visually impaired people to get a

chance to read too. Also, written communication can be improved by doing

more research and asking people’s opinions on different matters. Written

communication can also be improved by practicing on the written items so

that one can be perfect.

How Does Someone Improve Their Verbal and Non-Verbal Skills?

First, one should keep in contact with the people one is talking to. This for

one to look trustworthy to the listener. Eye contact keeps a person talking

since someone believes that the person is listening. Another way is by using

the facial expression. The facial expression describes one’s emotions more

than words. Other ways include: keeping a good posture, also listening

without interrupting the speaker and lastly, is being aware of one’s tones at

any given conversation. These two skills can be easily be improved since

most of their solutions are more practical and things one can easily take up

into their own daily lives in terms of their daily activities. Working on these

verbal and non- verbal cues makes someone better at understanding people

when never they talk or whenever they are listening to us.

What Is the Basic Feel for a Conversation?

The feel of a conversation refers to the state of the conversation between

the conversational and conversant the feel of a conversation is based on

whom one is talking to. For example, the feel of a conversation at work is

different than the one at home. Also, the feel of talking, for example to

one’s boss is different than when one is talking to a fellow workman.

Conversations have different channels depending too on who is in the

conversation. Some communications have long channels which others have

short ones. Most of the long channels are the ones belonging to official

business while shorter ones are more of the informal business. Feelings in a

conversation are very relevant and important. The feel should be clear since

it is the mood of the conversation.

Conversations at work are very serious and are very formal. Everyone is

expected to use formal language, to wear formal or official wear and one is

expected to follow the protocols for each and every single procedure

depending on the organization. At home conversations are different this is

because the conversations are very casual. At home, there are no protocols,

but there may be rules. This does not involve what to wear but may have

customs that happen in the home like who will do the chores.

Another set is at school. Conversations in schools are both formal and

informal. This means that a student has to have both in the bag. When a

student is talking to a teacher or lecturer, he or she has to be polite and

formal. The student, while visiting the school offices must be officially

dressed. This is the formal side of the school. When a student is talking to

another student, he or she is not needed to be official. The student’s

relationship is playful and very unofficial or casual anyway you call it.

Students stick together like a pack of wolves which shows unity and

solidarity. Students being among themselves don’t need to worry about

being formal or even acting formally all together.

This sub-topic explains that communication may be formal or casual. It is

easy to fit in a social institution once someone understands the language

used in this different situation. Conversation skills help us understand how

to talk to others and keep a nice conversation with them. They also teach

the basic way to be polite and nice while listening and talking to others. It

also helps us to understand how a conversation works and how it makes

everyone feel and how at the end of the day different social institutions

have different feels of communication.

The conversation skills improvement methods are through fixing the

methods that facilitate communication like fixing the writing, verbal and

nonverbal skills. Once these skills are improved then and only then will the

conversation goodness rate be increased. What is a conversation good rate

one might ask this is the ability of someone to converse with others in a

positive and vibrant rate? Many people are unable to make their

conversations to be good since they may have hindering factors in their

lives like fear pulling them back. A good conversation is made up of the

right attitude, body postures, and facial expressions together with the right

words which bring about a positive 100 percent good conversation.

Conversations are not to be taken lightly. Words that come out of one’s

mouth should be checked since one is not talking to a lot, but a person and a

person have feelings that are very important. Conversations are how we and

others relate and when one makes one wrong move, then the whole thing

blows up in one's face. To avoid this, one has to always be careful,

especially when it comes to conversing with others. The more careful one

is, the safer it is for them.

CHAPTER 4: Recognizing and

Acting on Other People’s

Nonverbal Communication and

Improving Your Own Nonverbal

Communication

What makes nonverbal cues important? This question is raging and very

important. Nonverbal cues are an important part of communication they

enhance more and describe more of the content the speaker is talking about.

Nonverbal cues are signs which mostly show emotion like an angry facial

feature or a restless body posture. They tell more than words can tell. They

are a part of communication and should be learned and natured all the way.

Nonverbal cues together with verbal cues make a conversation without one

of them it feels like something is missing, like missing cake on a special

occasion. Nonverbal cues also make life easy and simple since they easy to

point out at any time. Since we now understand nonverbal cues, how do we

recognize them, act on them and also how do we improve on them for the

purposes of communication?

Examples of Nonverbal Cues in Communication

There many examples of nonverbal cues. First, is the facial expression. This

includes: eye-rolling, creasing of the forehead, pressing of the lips. This is

clearly seen from the face as it is clearly stated in the name. These help one

to figure what someone is feeling by looking just at their face. To

understand what someone is feeling one has to know what each facial

expression means in order for one to know the next step. Also, body posture

is another example. This is expressed by the rest of the body like placing

one’s hand on the waist. The body posture could be from the hands, back,

neck, legs depending on how one wants to convey the message. Nonverbal

means no speaking, but the nonverbal cues are easy to decipher. People

should put some effort into knowing the nonverbal cues from sight and even

in mind for a clear and needed meaning.

How can Someone Recognize Nonverbal Cues?

Nonverbal cues are actions, hence easily noticeable for someone who is

keen. Someone can easily recognize nonverbal cues once they follow these

pointers. First, one has to face the speaker in order for him or her to notice

the nonverbal cues. This is because these nonverbal cues are made by the

body and face, thus easy to identify at any given time only if the person

gives his or her speaker their attention. Another is staying present and

putting your attention to the conversation. This ensures one is attentive and

keen thus makes one notice every nonverbal cue made during the

conversation. Also being sitting in an upright posture which helps one to

focus and to clearly see the person who is talking and seeing how their

bodies and faces change in the course of the conversation. Recognizing

other nonverbal cues brings on how well or best they can easily act on

them. Some may choose to ignore it, but others may be interested in solving

all their problems, hence learn how to act on them so they can move on

maybe from a conflict or how to deal with a certain situation. Recognizing

other people’s nonverbal cues is like understanding the different habits of

different people. This gives someone a clear view of how other people

might react to certain behavior directed towards them by others or by

someone in particular.

Acting on the Nonverbal Cues

It is very easy to notice nonverbal cues. Acting on them is so hard,

especially if you don’t understand them. Decoding these nonverbal cues is

very important and essential in the communication process. If everyone was

able to decipher and decode all nonverbal cues then that would be a

wonderful thing for communication purposes. After recognizing these cues

what is the way to go next? So how does the human being then act on the

nonverbal cues?

First, someone should nod; this is to show that one is listening to the

speaker. It shows how much is attentive and keen. In the long run with

much concentration, one will know how to react to the situation depending

on the nature of the signs. For example, one should be happy if it is a happy

matter and be sad if the matter is sad. If the matter is that the speaker is

annoyed, then know how to calm him or her down. Another way is by

sitting upright to show interest in the matter at hand. This may even be able

to help you solve the matter faster if indeed you understand the matter and

be serious about its 100 percent.

Also, one clearing one’s mind and pushing the rest of the matter aside

makes decoding the matter easy and fast. This ensures that one fully

understands the change in body movement and facial features. One notes

the change in emotions while understanding them. Lastly, one must never

interrupt when the speaker is talking. If one interrupts the conversation then

one disrupts the movements brought about by the conversation. It is easy to

follow all the ways to act to nonverbal cues just as long as one keeps in

mind being attentive is the major key to understanding the nonverbal cues.

Advantages of Nonverbal Cues

First, of all, nonverbal cues are great for people who are hearing impaired it

helps them communicate easily. Since hearing impaired people don’t hear

then the body movement and facial features help one communicate with the

hearing impaired. It also helps in presenting the message clearly since it is

hard to confuse signs and movements. Anger movements and signs are

different from happy and sad movements and signs. Nonverbal cues are

very fast methods to pass on a message. With a flash of a second one facial

sign or body movement could easily give one the whole message at once.

Nonverbal cues also are very helpful to illiterate people. Since an illiterate

person cannot understand the message verbally or in writing, then the

nonverbal cues do it for them.

Disadvantages of Nonverbal Cues

First, is that the nonverbal cues are not very clear, unlike in verbal and

written communication. For its unclearness makes it inefficient. Another

disadvantage is that it is difficult to keep the conversation going since the

body movements and facial expressions may be lost in the process. It is

difficult to understand these nonverbal cues, this may be through cultural

differences and different signs meaning different things. These nonverbal

cues cannot be used in formal situations like in the office of an

organization. This limits their power and usage in the communication

world. Information given through the nonverbal cues may be distorted,

especially if one cannot understand those cues.

Ways to Improve Your Own Nonverbal Cues

There many ways to develop one’s nonverbal cues to become better for

communication purposes. First, is facing the speaker through eye contact

which makes someone very confident. Another way is by being attentive

and relaxed for them to be clear and on point during a conversation. Being

one to receive all ideas and easily working towards them also helps in the

growth of nonverbal cues. Also, listening to others without cutting someone

off is another way of improving one’s nonverbal cues. Nonverbal cues are

very important and ways to improve them are many. The few that have been

given should act as a guideline to establish better or should l say the best

communication. Every way to improve nonverbal cues should give

someone a hint to take to be better at what every man’s life.

Communication is very important to society. It brings newness to everyone

on earth. Communication makes life beautiful since someone talks to

others. Although communication in the 21st Century is a lot more advanced

it is always good to look back and smile at the past communication modes

which have now advanced in the news. This century communication

ensures one is able to meet new people and will talk to them. The people

don’t have to be in the same vicinity as you. The only thing that those

people should share with you is the same goals and interests. This is made

possible by the internet and just by the click of a button.

Communication, in general, requires one to understand both verbal and

nonverbal communication or skills. One must understand how they work in

a conversation, how to act on them and also how to finally improve them.

With this knowledge, one is able to bring a conversation to a whole new

level. Have you ever wondered how communication would be if verbal and

nonverbal cues were never followed? The answer is very simple, the

conversation would be very plain and shadowed in one word that is,

disastrous. To avoid this man has to work to his best ability to get things

right and in order. This is easy for him since man is an orderly being, he

plans ahead this keeps his things in the check.

Nonverbal communication is very informal but it helps with a lot of casual

talks. For example: in a marriage, with parents as they talk to their kind, in

romantic relationships and also among friends.

It helps someone to express freely and one can also blend it with other

words. When one does that then it becomes easy to understand and

communicate with others. Nonverbal communication spices up

communication. It may be used in movie scenes to keep the viewer

watching, so imagine it in real life being used to try and convey a message.

I know it is exciting. Nonverbal communication is old thus one can refer

from the past to improve on its present form.

All aspects or skills in communication are interconnected making

communication like a tree with a lot of branches. This tree which is

communication cannot survive without the branch's help which is

communication skills. Communication skills are indeed resourceful and

should be mastered by all existing people in the world. Communication also

leads to people speaking up. It does not matter whether it is verbal, written

or nonverbal. This has seen people through humanistic goals, liberal and

democratic goals too. This is very inspiring and uplifting. This has also

brought about human activists who believe in communicating or speaking

up on behalf of others. This may be about voting, rights of the people or all

of them at once. This is the beautiful thing about communication in human

life. It also keeps us informed at all times about different matters.

Chapter 5: The Meaning, Rules,

and Mistakes When Making a

Conversation

Conversations should be one of the ways people communicate; it can be

among friends, family members, workmates, couples, or friends. It should

not be so complicated, but rather the participants should have fun

conversing. What happens to most people is that they are always concerned

and worried about how to keep up with a conversation and what to

contribute.

Did you know that keeping up with a conversation is an art? Most people

lack conversational skills; the good thing is there are numerous books,

articles, and magazines that can help with that.

The conversation is simply termed as talking to another person, mostly in

an informal way. Why should a person consider it hard to do? Historically,

people would sit down and talk, but due to the influx of technology, this is

outdated. Social media has incredibly grown and overshadowed past

cultures. For any habit, behavior, or plan to prosper, it is important to follow

rules like:

Have a Balanced Conversation

The conversation is two-way traffic, not about only one person in the

conversation. Giving the other person time and a chance to speak. There is a

belief that monologue gives direct instructions rather than it being

communicated. There should be a balance between the person listening and

the person talking. Social media is a powerful tool of communication, but it

is definitely not a conversation path. Most people share their views, wait for

other members to comment, and then they respond to comments. It is not

like a one-on-one conversation, where you will ask a question and the other

person replies.

Ensure That You Are Polite and Friendly

It guarantees the communication to go well and a long way into the

conversation. Try to be nice and always put on a smile, most people prefer a

person who is friendly and likes having people around. Ensure you always

build a positive rapport, establish a common ground, smile and have

positive body language. Always be nice to everyone and avoid unpleasant

words when describing anyone.

Always Ensure You Are Responsive

When you respond to what the other person has said, it means you are

exercising active listening. It is not polite to just switch off when people are

talking then assume them and answer back. Even though most people now

acknowledge that, but they do that most of the time. It is imperative to

focus is being said by the other person, and be keen on their body language.

Conversations Mistakes

As earlier outlined, having a great conversation requires skills and

following the lay-down rules. No one was born with magical skills and the

gifts enabling them to maintain a great conversation. They depend on

maintaining the skills they have acquired and developing them. Everyone is

bound to make mistakes; it is also possible when having a conversation.

Exercise Active Listening rather than just Speaking

Being a good listener is important; it involves ensuring that you actively

listen to what the other person says. It is mostly about the body language

used. How you respond when contributing to the conversation. Ensure you

ask questions based on what the other person says ad what you hear.

Showing interest in what the other person is saying, and responding to

statements that relate. To illustrate that you are paying attention, ensure you

comment positively. Keep asking questions and repeat the key comments.

Always ask questions, then carrying on with the conversation.

Avoid Asking Too Many Questions

When asking a series of distracting questions, one can come across as if

they are interrogating the others. Even if they are genuine questions, ensure

you pause and listen First, Allow the other party to speak and that they

express themselves, and make sure the questions are relevant.

Avoid Talking Too Much

When you speak too much, it is normally a sign of being nervous. You will

have a hard time expressing yourself, and even getting people to understand

your points. Other people are more likely to tune you out, ensure you

convey the right information at the right time. It is okay to practice what

you want to say before speaking it out. Prepare yourself before you face

other people, this enhances self-confidence to face people and express

yourself.

Listen First, to Your Words

Ensure you listen to what you are telling other people First, Do not make

people think that you are just filling up space. Moreover, they cannot get the

value of the conversation; be prepared and well informed. Always think of

ways that have value addition and interest in the conversation. A major tip

has been, always think before you speak. “Taste your words, before you spit

them.”

Do Not Dominate a Conversation

It will always lead to arguments when there is dominance used. Not every

time you express your opinion, you are right. It will end up being a

monologue rather than a dialogue; know that each person is entitled to their

opinion. Do not force people to agree with what you want or you are

saying. That habit will make people walk away and not be interested. Make

it a habit of listening to other people’s points of view; be humble and true.

Do Not Lack of Confidence

When having a conversation and one lacks self-confidence, it makes one

shaky and not true to their words. Possessing enough confidence goes a

long way in delivering information, and expressing the conversation.

Avoid Interruptions

It is rude to interrupt when someone is talking. It is important to ensure that

you let the other person finish talking before voicing any opinion.

Especially in an argument, let the other person finish what they were

saying. Always be courteous because you cared enough to listen to the other

person’s point of view.

Stop Sounding Like an Expert

Do not expect other people to be okay when you keep giving your expert

opinion. Even though you know everything, other people will feel they have

nothing they can contribute. Learn to know things systematically, and little

by little, and allow others to talk about their opinions.

Do Not Get Nervous and Speak Too Fast

With excitement, anyone is bound to speak very fast and say a lot. It affects

the conversation and others may tend not to understand and convey the

information. Speak slowly and confidently and allow time to choose your

words. Familiarize yourself with pauses they will have an impact on your

sentences. Keep in mind with these common mistakes, create a change, a

good habit, influence others and make a difference.

Starting One-On-One Conversations

When starting any conversation, it could be with a friend at a party or

someone you have met at a conference. It could be when walking in the

street, an investor, a customer, you might have a common thing to talk

about and others could miss a thing to talk about. If you have challenges

with starting a conversation with another person, the secret is to always say

something the other person likes to hear and will make them happy. When

you remember that, it will be clear and easy to start any conversation.

You will be able to walk up to someone, speak to him or her politely and

pleasantly, and at the end of the day, you will be able to pick a conversation.

It will be easy to start a chat and carry on with the conversation. To ensure

that the conversation flows, maintain the following:

Talk About a Common Situation

Choose common pickup lines to use, for instance, “This food is delicious,”

and “Did you hear the speech.” Pick a positive situation and talk about it.

Avoid and negative and risky comments on any conversation.

Weather Comments are Always Perfect

Talking about the weather has always been easy and with less negative

consequences. One can talk about the heatwave, the rain showers, or the

cold snap. It is always a good way to start a conversation because the

weather condition is a shared experience. The two people having the

conversation can experience the weather, you can start like, and “This is a

lovely day.”

Always Ask for Information

Even when you know the answer, act like you do not know. For example,

“Do you know what time the next bus leaves,” it is always a great method

to start a conversation with someone and this is because everyone will

always want to use and has offered help.

Ask for Assistance

When you request assistance, people feel recognized to offer help, “Are you

able to grab that bag for me.” “Could you please help me with my bags?”

Always make sure that when asking for assistance it does not cause any

inconveniences, and ensure that the helper is able to provide.

Ensure You Also Offer Assistance

Earlier in the book, we learned that any conversation should be two-way.

Therefore, does offer assistance, it always feels good to extend assistance.

“Do you need a seat?” “Are you in a position to get me that book?” There is

trust built due to the help offered, ensure that you are not doing that in

excess because that can be harmful.

Ask for an Opinion

It feels good when someone wants to ask about his or her opinion, and it

will be exciting to answer. “What did you think of the food?” “Was the

seminar helpful?”

Mention a Common Friend

When a common person known between the parties is mentioned, it creates

trust and belief. For instance, if one of the people involved in a conversation

introduces statements like “The speaker and I went to the same school,” “I

used to work with Rose.” In addition, always ensure that the relationship is

good with the shared friend and not having issues or they are enemies.

Have a Shared Experience

Have common experiences or places like the same neighborhood, same

school, common gym, workplace, and church. This is a good common

ground to start a conversation, and especially when asking for information.

It Is Good to Praise the Listener

A good example can be “I love your work,” it helps when you are not sure

how to converse with a celebrity. Always remember, do not analyze them,

do not flatter them, and offer genuine praises.

Recognize the Listener’s Appearance

Always compliment the listener, especially on jewelry, apparel, and

accessories. “That is a beautiful neckpiece.” “That scarf looks great on

you.” Appreciation is good and acknowledgment and they will start being

engaging. Avoid any compliments on physical appearances.

Introduce Yourself

In many cases, making an introduction helps a lot. It may not be appealing

and it is better to have a direct approach. It is important to have gone out of

the way to approach a stranger, which will make the listener feel important;

and make them want to talk more.

Having Deeper Conversations

Not all deep conversations are to belong or in-depth, the most important

thing about deep conversations is that it shows care by supporting the other

person. Small talks and gestures make a big difference, and they expose

inner feelings. They are important since they indicate individual thoughts

and personal milestones. It needs skills to elevate from small talks to

meaningful and deeper conversations. With some controllable conditions, a

meaningful deeper conversation will happen.

A quiet place is advisable and recommended, plenty of time should be set

aside for the conversation to start and flow. There should be a willingness to

ask questions and have a follow up of what the other person is saying. It is

very important to have an open mind and have genuine interactions.

Consider asking for meaningful and personal questions. Personal questions

always work well in a setting that is informal and casual mostly with

friends. Personal questions help to know more about an individual.

Indicates the interest to know them; and what is on their minds. Always

inquire about their past life and experiences; ask questions like, “What was

it growing in that country?” And “what is the most challenging thing have

you ever encountered?”

Ensure you know their vision and goals; you can start by asking them. It

helps to learn their personal values and their plan to move forward. When

they start talking about their goals and dreams, it helps to open up and talk

more about their personal interests and challenges. This type of deeper

conversation mainly involves around their lifestyle, fitness, hobbies, and

career. Questions can be like, “What is your next project,” and “What do

you intend to accomplish in the next five years.”

It can get personal when you ask about their family; it brings out a lot of

personal information. Which helps a lot in deeper conversations; it can start

with simple questions then meaningful one. Questions like, “How big is

your family,” and “How supportive is your family.” Be wise and careful,

this is because not all people are comfortable talking about their families.

Be respectful when they get uncomfortable and they want to change the

subject.

It is advisable to ask questions regarding their career, and the best way to

get information from a person is by asking questions. Asking about this, it

is more of a professional setting; for instance when a workmate asks the

other workmen about their reason to join the company, and if they enjoy

working there.

It is also important to ask about experiences and discussions, contribute to

some information that you know about them. It will be an indication that

you are caring, like adopting a dog, starting a business, or moving to

another house. It is an indication that you were actively listening and have

an interest in their life. It makes them have trust, open up more, and share

more about their life. “How is the neighborhood?” That is one example of a

question you can ask.

Ending Conversations

When ending a conversation, ensure that it is not abrupt and does not seem

rude. It can be with a friend, workmate, or customer who does not have to

seem rude or interested. What do you need to end a conversation with the

right gesture? You always need to end the conversation gracefully.

Always End with a Goodbye and Thank You

It is the easiest approach as direct as it seems, a handshake is also included

and then leaving. “It was nice meeting you” “I’ve enjoyed sharing your

experience” “Have a good day” As simple and direct as it can be and not

sounding rude.

You Can Excuse Yourself

There could be several reasons to give the excuse; to check on the kids or a

family call. “Please excuse me,” ensure you make the actual or appear as

you are making one.

Politely Ask You Need to Meet Other People

This strategy works when you meet someone who knows many people

around an event and wants to speak to all. “I should be meeting other

people this evening,” “Thank you and Goodbye”

Introduce Them to Another Person

This approach seems similar to the strategy earlier illustrated in the book.

Introduce them to another person and then you are free to leave.

Ask Where the Washroom Is

Ask where the WC is and leave and this ends the conversation

automatically. Avoid leaving for the bar instead of the washroom, it will

seem rude and create great misunderstanding.

Offer to Get Drinks

This trick works perfectly and it is an excuse to leave and end the

conversation. “I’m going to get a drink” “Would like me to bring you

anything” It is a polite way to leave and the other person is not likely to

refuse the offer.

Ask for Their Plans Regarding the Next Event

You can politely ask if they will be at the next meeting so that you can

continue with the conversation. “Will you be at the next event?” It is a

quick and short way to signal that you want to leave.

Ask for Their Business Card

It may seem like a simple and obvious approach, but it works. “Could I get

your card” “Maybe I could call you and we complete this conversation?”

Give out Your Card

It means you will have an exchange of cards; anyone can call the other. “Let

me give you my card” It simply means you are ending the conversation.

Ask for Their Social Media Handle

Everyone is on social media nowadays, “I enjoyed spending time with

you,” “May I connect with you on LinkedIn?” It can be a business

connection or personal. Ensure you choose the correct social media

platform in regard to the nature of the interaction. You can connect on

Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter, or Instagram. You can also ask for a card to

signal that the conversation is over.

Real Examples of Conversations

To understand more about the real examples of conversations, it is best to

have a recap on what a conversation is. In simple terms, a conversation

happens between two or more people. It can be chatting, talk or speech, this

is mainly a one-way communication. They do not have to happen one on

one, others can be over the telephone or internet.

It is also important to know the type of conversation when you are talking

to someone. Determined by the direction of the communication; is it two-

way or one-way traffic. It is also important to know the purpose or its tone;

co-operative or competitive.

When the conversation is one-way, it means they are talking to someone.

When it is two-way, it involves both parties talking and listening.

Competitive conversation involves one party concerned about their

perspective, whereas co-operative conversation they are interested in the

opinions of others.

When basing conversation using the tone and direction used, there are four

categories:

Debate

This is the most common form of communication involving two

individuals, a group of people from an opposing side. In such a

conversation, one intends to listen to what the other is saying after which

they may respond in the best way possible. Their response should be

complementary to the demands of the First, speaker. It is a two-way

competitive conversation; whose aim is to win in the argument and

convince other people. The result of the conversation can only be judged by

a third party, an observer, who has no interest in the outcome of any sort.

Dialogue

From time immemorial, a dialogue has dominated the field of

communication. In dialogue, a speaker narrates their statement while

expecting a response from the listening counterpart. It is two-way co-

operative communication; its aim is to make the participants exchange

information on mutual ground and build a relationship with each other.

Discourse

This is a one-way co-operative and the aim is to deliver information from

one speaker to another listener.

Diatribe

This is a competitive one-way conversation; its aim is to show emotions

and share the perspective.

Examples in a Real Situation

A good and real example to illustrate the above-mentioned categories of

conversation include:

Dialogue

This happens when two voters have not decided on their decision, and start

talking about the candidate. They are trying to figure out who they want to

vote for and against which candidate.

Debate

This is a scenario when two members of a family are on opposite sides of

the political party and have arguments over the political candidates.

Discourse

A real example is a professor in a lecture room, giving his lecture on local

and international affairs

Diatribe

A scenario where a voter is angry and declaring their disappointment with

the outcome of the election.

To categorize a conversation, it is to know the type of conversation one is

in; and hence know the conversation purpose. When you know about the

conversation purpose, then it is easy to speak about the conversation. When

the conversation type is misidentified, one can have conversational pitfalls.

Chapter 6: How to know a Good Friend

and Maintaining the Friendship

It takes more than 40 hours to make a casual friend after the First, meeting.

You spend this period with the alleged “friend.” It will take roughly more

than 80 hours to move from a casual friend to a friend. The cycle still

continues, and to become a best friend, takes another 200 hours.

One can be overwhelmed when making new friends, meeting new people,

and maintaining the friendship. When one decides to step out of their

comfort zone and face their fears, it is possible to overcome it. Making

friends should not be that hard, it's just a matter of starting and maintaining

a conversation. The previous chapter has illustrated how to start a

conversation and the importance of self-confidence.

Start a new habit and tendency to visiting social joints, book clubs, and

organizations that allow people to volunteer. These are the places where one

can meet new people, with the same interest making easy to hit it off. Spare

some time, hang out with them, and have the faith and effort to keep the

friendship.

When you have, friends ensure that you are available, go out more often.

Maintain eye contact and when invited to events and social appearances do

miss that out. When you meet new people always make an effort, do not

make it look like someone is forcing you into the friendship.

Introducing the Process of Making Friends

Before making a friend and knowing the process to do that, it is important

to know about the friendship types.

Friends Who Are for the Moment

They are friends that you meet at an event, like a party or dinner or when

traveling. The mutual interest in the event, occasion, or the fun, and now

that is enough to create the friendship. It mainly lasts for that event period

only, and might not even transition to social media connection addition. It is

very superficial and based on physical appearance and topic of interest.

Friends for a Particular Period

Closely explained like the previous type; the only difference is that there is

more interaction between the parties. They have closer relations like being

neighbors, workmates, and members of club or gym. They occasionally

share ideas like weight lifting, neighborhood meetings, and career progress.

They mostly meet over the weekends for drinks and parties and then know

more about the other person’s interests and hobbies.

Based on the shared interests, when they start interacting; this will influence

a positive or negative on the friendship level. This friendship based on their

more they work together or has a program that will find them meeting

again.

Friends Meant for a Lifetime

When you have such a friendship, consider yourself very lucky. How many

people can point out such friends? I bet very few, they mostly comprise of

members of the family. Sometimes, it is from people, who previously had a

real bond they talk about everything. From feelings, interests, dreams, and

work; in this kind of friend one seems very comfortable with themselves.

Are based on sharing private information, their time, trust; respect accorded

to them, their thoughts and privacy is safe. When one is going through a

challenging period, these people will be there for you, no matter what.

All friends always vary in regards to the quality and value; the bottom line

is they all begun with a conversation. So, in short, if you want to make a

friend, be it in any of the types highlighted. The First, step is to go over and

say “Hey!” You will not the mutual interests and likes until you have a

conversation. That will then determine the kind of friendship that you will

have.

Finding the Potential Friends

Most of our friends are people who we interact with often, from work,

school, or nearby neighbors. If you are looking for friends, look close to the

places you frequently visit and there is a possibility of making potential

friends there. The mutual and common interest also enables friendships to

last. As human beings, we get attracted to people, we have similar interests.

This can be a hobby, past experience, cultural and educational background,

career selection and age. When you rule out that, ask yourself. Where can I

find people with the same personality?

Do not limit yourself to the same experiences you have had in the past.

Expand your mind and horizon, and learn from new experiences. Try the

below activities and you may never know:

Enroll in a Class or Join a Club

This is a good way to meet new people, know new interests, like a book

club, sports team, and dinner club. Known websites to help with that,

Meetup.com is one of them. It can assist in meeting local people and

connect easily with people with mutual interest.

Start Walking Your Dog

When on the walk, dog owners always meet and start small talks,

considered as conversations.

Be a Volunteer

As you offer noble services, this is another great way to meet new people. It

helps to develop social skills because of regular practice.

Act as a New Person in the Neighborhood

Ensure you put your familiarity with the area aside, explore the place. You

might meet a new person looking around at the place and you end up

having a similar interest.

Support a Team

When there is a sports team playing, support them. Go to a good bar and

you will enjoy the game as you make friends. When there is a game show,

this means the people gathered to watch have the same interest. It will be

easier and natural to start a conversation.

Attend Current Events

The events include book readings, music recitals, lectures, and an open

gallery. There are community events that can help meet with people with

the same hobbies and interests. Information about the events found in local

papers and library nearby.

Set Your Phone Aside

You can meet friends on social media. Is there any conversation-taking

place? Unplug from your phone and meet real people. Go out there, make

eye contact and start small talks. You never know a stranger may become a

casual friend, and eventually a friend.

Always Ask Questions

It is easy to connect with someone if the questions asked do not yield

enough information. When asking a question, and the answer given in two

words. The chances of a connection to develop are minimal or rather nil.

Rephrase the questions to give more answers. Like asking, “What do you

think of your neighborhood?” Instead of “Where do you live?” The more

people talk the higher the chances of getting more information.

Always be Positive

Avoid complaining all the time about your life. Do not always tell your

friends or workmate for your drama in life. In case this becomes a habit, it

will make friends shy away and get scared to get close. They will think as if

you are always creating drama, love negative energy and will turn them off.

Praise your Friends

When you have a good positive friend, ensure you appreciate them.

Everyone wants to be appreciated and noticed being a good person. This

guarantees better and longer friendship.

Always Remember People’s Names

Forgetting a friend’s name for a short period not considered as dementia. It

can be due to lack of sleep, higher stress level, medical issue, or an

infection. In such a case, considered a normal condition, there are steps

followed to improve the situation:

Commit

It all starts with the victim and starts from the mind, makes a decision to

remember the names of a friend and loved ones. Do not keep on blaming

bad memory; forgetting names is a lack of application. Have the tendency

of committing to yourself that you will remember names after an event or

meeting.

Concentrate

Observe keenness in the First, place and you will be able to have a good

memory. Ensure you are attentive and not distracted, in order to remember

names. The important aspects to remember are. Pay attention to the people’s

names and the impression on the person.

Listen to the name that said, ask again for clarification. Get a crisp

impression of the person to remember their names.

Repeat

Repeating the name has the effect of not forgetting it. Use approaches like

using the name given immediately, sit quietly and silently and repeat the

name, and keep commenting on the name. Use the name occasionally in the

conversation that you are having, bear in mind not to overdo it. When

leaving the function to ensure you use it too and jot it down for reference.

Associate

Always create a reference point, associate the person’s image and their face

where the name applies. If it turns out to be tedious, try to figure out any

image and that will definitely help with the memory.

Deepening New Friendships

In order to deepen friendship, there is a reason to spend more time with

friends. Spend more alone time with them. If it is a neighbor or a workmate,

ensure you occasionally invite them for a drink.

Alumni Meet up

Meet up with alumni in their association or groups and connect more often.

There are always meetings on a regular basis for the college experience is a

common ground. Share old stories, the talks should be easier and simpler.

When they have events sponsored by, ensure you attend them.

Connect with Social Media

If you are active on social media, ensure you look for your friends and

connect with them. Organize for coffee dates rather than having chats on

Twitter and Facebook.

Car Pool Program

A Carpool program works a lot; colleagues can organize for that and

maintain their friendship. It helps with connecting with people in the same

area and it’s a conversation starter.

Extend Unexpected Gestures

It is always good to surprise your loved one and friends, it illustrates

appreciation and love for them. Surprise them with a trip, doing a chore,

and even showing up at work with a surprise is a good gesture.

Offer Gifts

Personalize their gifts, something they have always wanted, and something

you can all do together. It can be tickets to a movie, a concert, a spa, or a

gym.

Take a Trip Together

Choose random places that you have not visited, admire the adventure,

enjoy nature, dine, play, and talk. It is an opportunity to know each other

better as you enjoy each other company.

Plan Activities Together

Enjoy a favorite television show together, listen to music and exchange

books. This is a way to know more about their interests and likes.

Ensure your Exercise Active Listening

When there is an argument, people always vent. It is important for a person

to feel safe talking about their issues, balance on giving out information.

Listen to the other people airing their views and frustration. Trust should be

felt and with few expectations of the other party.

CHAPTER 7: Using the Power

Words to Increase Your

Magnetism, Tactics to Increase

Your Charisma and Transform into

a Social Magnet

Charisma

Most of us think charisma to be a rare quality that is bestowed to a few

lucky souls. Others believe that it belongs to some special people who end

up being highly visible and get rewarded for high positions in the political

world. However, this is a myth as per Olivia Fox Cabane. According to

Cabane, charisma is not an innate trait reserved for a particular group of

people. However, it is a trait that one can develop. In other words, charisma

is something that can be learned as it has everything to do with the mindset

of persons as well as their nonverbal behaviors that are associated with it.

Charisma at times seems like a superficial quality at a glance. However, if

you are keen in observing its traits, you will understand that it is a

combination of power, warmth, and presence. Through that, one can easily

connect with people around their vicinity with ease. Therefore, charisma is

for anyone who has a strong desire for increasing their magnetism as well

as opportunities of increasing their success. It belongs to those who want to

have a more meaningful and engaging character in life by positively

impacting the lives of others.

Take a look at some of the key ideas that can help shy people to become

more engaged as public speakers even in areas they thought they would not

make.

Presence

It is worth noting that even toddlers have charisma. The kids are wide-eyed

and curious. Hence, they can capture the attention of a room full of adults

without even saying a word. Do you remember any time when some of

these toddlers caught our attention? You might be wondering why yet they

did not say even a word. Maybe because they are cute or something.

However, a lot has to do with their presence. During such situations,

toddlers are entirely in that moment, and some magnetism gives the people

around them 100 percent of their attention. Think of someone like Michael

Jordan. When he was playing for the Chicago Bulls in the early 1990s, the

team won two consecutive NBA cups. His focus on each game made a

difference such that he became so contagious among his teammates. His

teammates also elevated their game, and in the long run, they emerged as

winners. Everyone wanted the bulls to win. The aspect explains why his

line of clothing sells well for Nike even after twenty years down the line.

Jordan isn’t different from the toddler. His presence is what makes all the

difference.

In other words, we can say that if someone like Jordan is in the moment, he

is probably thinking about nothing else. It is worth noting that adults are in

most cases in a state of partial continuous attention. Most people are not

fully engaged with their employees or co-workers, their spouses, even their

children let alone the grocery clerks. In other words, people have divided

attention to all the parties that affect their lives. The aspect causes them not

to be charismatic as they would wish. The result is shyness that tends to rob

off our abilities. It is worth noting that for one to master the First, part of

charisma, the substantial presence of someone means a lot.

Many ways can help you become more engaged and overcome the feeling

of being shy. One you need to focus on your breathing. You need First, to

fill your lungs with air and then attend to your senses as you breathe out.

The other practical way of becoming more present is by maintaining eye

contact with those you are speaking to. You don’t have to give them a hard

stare, wear a smile, and engage them in all of your conversations. Be warm

and friendly as you talk to them. The aspect will attract more attention, and

people will be willing to listen to you speak. Some will fall in life with your

voice and maybe starts imitating you. The aspect allows you to understand

that you are imparting something in their lives as well.

The body language we use when communicating reveals an apparent lack of

interest. For instance, if you are speaking to the public and your shoulder is

turned away, it might indicate that you are shy or you are not interested in

what you are trying to explore. Also, if you are easily distracted by texts, it

shows that you are not at the moment. The aspect reveals to the audience,

and they may not be interested in listening to what you are trying to

communicate. Thus, you need to square up your body and the shoulders as

well. Try and look directly at those you are conversing with and maintain

that eye contact. You may not be able to bake to be at the moment always,

but when you have time, make use of it and explore all the lope holes that

might indicate that you are shy.

Power

It is worth noting that power is defined in different ways. However, when it

comes to charisma, authority refers to a perception by others that have

influenced and agency and makes things happen. In most cases, people are

assigned power automatically due to their wealth, the position of authority,

or even physique. However, you don’t have to possess all these aspects to

be convincing. The perception of influence and agency is determined in a

large percentage by the body language as well as the non-verbal cues one

uses. Aspects such as postures, dress as well the voice that one uses

determines the level of attention that one draws for the public. It is good to

widen your stance and open your arms, not like a super-hero but to a

comfortable position. If you are speaking to an audience while sitting, sit in

an upright position. It is also good to know when to listen and when to

speak. Dominating a conversation at times doesn’t make a person be more

powerful.

In most cases, it may have an opposite effect when people realize that the

discussion is taking one side. It is essential to nod your head selectively. At

times one needs to at listening rather than constantly nodding to every idea

that comes across. The other aspect that puts people off is pitching one`s

voice at the end of every sentence rather than increasing it. As you

communicate, think of cues that will increase your perception of personal

power. It is critical to understand that charisma becomes stronger when the

presence, as well as power, are combined with genuine warmth. The aspect

creates a stronger bond between the speaker and the audience. The

conversation becomes livelier, and one gets more attached to it. It increases

the presence of an individual done in the long run the power within the

person is defined as charisma.

Warmth

If you have power, you pose the perception that you can make things

happen. However, if you have kindness, you represent the knowledge that

you will use the control you have for the good of others. It is worth noting

that warmth is similar to the present, you can`t fake it. In other words, you

can Smile and have polite manners as you speak, but you, can`t you can

create a warm atmosphere. The aspect is linked to the fact that warmth

comes from a more profound meaning rather than being a peasant. In other

words, you can quickly tell or notice the presence of someone who has

genuine affection for us. Thus, since one can`t fake presence or warmth, it

is essential to remove all the barriers that hinder the natural heat for others.

In most cases, the most significant barrier that people have with creating

warmth is the attitude that people have on certain aspects. In most cases,

negative minds rob off the heat may create. However, you need to develop

affection with your public and envision yourself as the audience. Feeing

their kindness and accepting their aspect and feel them. Consider the

elements of charisma that you possess and explore your weaknesses. The

element will increase your power and presence in the conversation.

Disciplined

Even if you are shy, you need to be disciplined. You need to train yourself

on the need to be focused, especially when other people are speaking. You

need not be glancing at others or thinking about your busy schedule and

answering messages while someone is talking to you. In the same way,

there is no way you can be speaking to an audience, and you need to be

disciplined. There is no way you will keep talking with your phone and

expect your audience to listen to you. Most of them will be distracted by

your attitudes as well as the behaviors you possess in public. Also, being

charismatic doesn’t necessarily mean that you must speak. There are times

that you ought to listen. In other words, charismatic people often make the

speaker feel as if he or she is the only one in the room. They will do

everything to ensure that they capture the attention of the speaker. The

aspects pave the way for more acceptances, and the other audience may

even elect him or her for the representative position. For instance, if a

political leader is speaking to a particular group of people, a charismatic

person among the audience will ensure that the leader notices their efforts in

capturing what they are trying to speak. In the long run, the other viewer

agrees with him or her, and they might receive a representative position.

The aspect is drawn by their attention as well as the presence they bring

from the conversation.

Convey the Right Message

The best thing about involving a person in the conversation is by mirroring

the body language that fits what they are speaking about. At times, it is

advisable to avid speech patterns such as, uh, or you know. They piss

someone offs, and one may feel uncomfortable speaking to you. If it comes

to agreeing, nod your head systemically. Add phrases as I agree with you at

times. It is not advisable to keep nodding your head even in places where

the speaker or the audience wants you to alter a word. Always be prepared

to learn. Also, if you are the main speaker of the event, being shy doesn’t

mean that you don’t have a chance of learning. Learn to take a positive

mindset for whatever is coming up. There are cases where the audience

tends to be violent or disagree with your statements. You didn’t have to sink

to stop speaking. Listen to them and allow them to take the day as you get

composed. The aspect will enable them to re-accept you and offer their

hatred for you to keep speaking. However, if they disagree or boos, and you

try silencing them by pitching up your voice, you may end up harming

yourself as well as others who might be willing to listen to you. It is worth

noting that you can’t create warmth for everyone in any audience. Other

people will see the negativity on you. Thus, if they boo and you are keen to

sense them, they may heighten their arguments, and you may end up losing

heart.

Be Aware of Feelings

Even if you are shy, you need to be charismatic via the few words you may

be able to speak. However, you need to be very careful with how you treat

the feelings of individuals. You need to acknowledge the presence of other

individuals and try to understand what they are feeling. For instance, if

someone appreciates you as you speak, you may need to pause and say a

sincere thank you. It is important to look directly at the persons and let them

understand that you appreciate their efforts. The aspects give them more

courage and confidence to complement you later. It will also attract the

attention of others who might be seeing their negativity in your speech. You

also need to develop some power of persuasion. In other words, you need to

possess some abilities you can use to motivate others to follow you. You

might be having terrific ideas, but the way you persuade others determines

whether they will follow you. You need to learn about some of the obstacles

that may hinder your audience from understanding some of your non-verbal

cues. At times, it is advisable to use human touch to personalize a

conversation rather than rushing over it. For instance, patting someone on

their back or touching their elbows while making a point may attract the

attention of the person you are speaking to rather than assuming their

feelings.

It is worth noting that just like presence and warmth, you can’t fake

charisma. It is an attitude or behavior that you develop with time. Even if

you are shy, you can learn how to be more charismatic and overcome all

your fears. However, all the steps, as well as the attributes behind being

charismatic need one to work hard and be committed, let alone being

patient. A bodybuilder uses her time and resources to do some weight

lifting here and there and eventually achieves his or her desires. In the same

way, you need to develop some attractions that will increase your

charismatic nature. Learn some of the few words that attract the attention of

your audience quickly.

Creativity is the key to succeed in everything. It is worth noting that every

speaker wishes to attract the attention of his audience and communicate his

or her ideas. However, what brings a difference is the aspect of creativity.

You need to develop some sense of ownership to whatever you are

speaking. The element will allow you to make some sentimental decisions

that will ensure that your presentation is perfect. You may be presenting a

similar piece with someone else. However, what makes the difference is the

way you use some of the non-verbal and increase your presence. For

instance, all of us are speakers in one way or another. But there are good

speakers than others. There are also good and bad teachers. But what makes

a difference is the presentation of ideas. Even if you are shy, you need to

develop some of these aspects that cause one to be charismatic. You might

be having a few words or short speeches to present due to your shyness

nature. But that should not deter you from being charismatic.

You need to be creative and make the best of the time you are given. Don’t

do the obvious, but try and add some uniqueness to attract the attention of

your audience. If you are among the audience, be an active listener, and

communicate the right message. Encourage the speaker by either agreeing

with what they are trying to communicate. You should never underestimate

any one`s feelings. However, leaner to appreciate the efforts of each person.

You don’t have to be dominant or wealthy to be charismatic. However, you

need to be productive with ideas and personalize your conversation to win

the confidence of your audience as well.

CHAPTER 8: Improve to

Negotiate, How to Negotiate,

Characteristics, Problems, Tactics

and Suggestions, and Solutions

Building powerful negotiation skills are critical in becoming a good leader

and deal maker. Various negotiation strategies can help one overcome his or

her shyness nature. You don’t have to assume that you are flowing on the

same page with your counterpart. It is essential to be open-minded and

prepare to learn. Also, creativity is critical in processing negotiation. It is

worth noting wise negotiators spend the time to identify the best alternative

to negotiate an agreement. It is also essential to understand your weakens

and takes some time to improve it. Create a conducive environment that

will enhance a smooth negotiation process. Be inclusive and ensure that the

conversation is not one-sided. Even if you have a great idea, make a point

of listening to the other parties and give them time to air out their thoughts.

The aspect is critical in the sense that it allows you to convince the other

parties on the need to side with your idea.

Take a look at some of the negotiation skills you can utilize and overcome

your shyness attitude.

Preparation

Before any negotiation takes place, a decision has to be made when and

where to meet and discuss the issue at hand. It is essential to set a time limit

to prevent any disagreement. One aspect that is critical in any negotiation is

preparation. Especially if you know that you are shy, you need to invest

some time and prepare your consultation before meeting the other party.

The aspect will help you to compose and have some time to, ensure whether

you will win in the meeting. The stage of preparation involves all the facts

as well as situations that are critical in clarifying your position. For

example, if it is a work situation, all the rules and regulations need to be put

on the table and all the parties need to be over the states. The aspect is

critical in a sense; it allows one top to set some grounds of refusal. Your

premises might be having some policies that will help you to prepare for the

negotiation. It is essential to take all the necessary steps in preparing for the

talks. The aspect is linked to the fact that you will be able to discuss the

disagreement that may prevent you from agreeing. It is also critical to

prepare for the negotiation such that you won’t have a lot of conflicts,

considering something you can quickly decide to earn.

Clarity

It is best to define your path very fast. In other words, you need to be

evident with what you want before you even start the negotiation process.

In most cases, lack of clarity may indicate that you are not interested in

what you are saying. You need to stand by what you say. The aspect is

critical in the sense that it shows the other parties that you are confident

with what you are selling. For instance, if you are selling a part of shoes, at

times, it is good to be rigid with what you say at First, A price quote that is

favorable and starts convincing your client on the need to buy the shoe. The

aspect may be critical in the sense that it will help your counterpart to forget

about the price quoted and focus on the advantages that are highlighted. As

you negotiate, it is good to be clear about what you are saying. There is no

need of being double-minded. Such an aspect makes your counterpart to

doubt whatever you are trying to convince. However, clarity increases the

confidence they have on your items, and you may end up winning in the

conversation.

Discussion

After letting your position known by individuals, it is essential to allow a

quiet conversation that will lead to a final agreement. Some of the critical

skills in the discussing process include questioning as well as clarifying and

listening. You need to be ready to answer some of the questions you might

be asked. This is well achieved in the preparation stage, where you may try

to outline some of the areas that the army needs clarity as well as more

discussion. You may also have top question your counterpart in some of the

areas that you think may need more clarification. The aspect is critical in

the sense that it ensures that your colleague is much involved in the

discussion. It is worth noting that each side should have an equal chance of

representing their ideas. As the other party presents their case, it is wise to

offer a listening ear. The aspect is critical in the sense that you will have

some time to rethink of their presentation and identify some of the areas

that may need clarity. Also, you will be in a good position to counter your

opponent using whatever is presented. One may also identify the lope hopes

that can be utilized to win the negotiation. Especially if you are shy and

might be having some difficulties in presenting your case, make a position

of listening to your parties First, and identify the areas that need to be dealt

with.

Negotiate toward a Win-Winn Situation

A win-win outcome is very critical in any negotiation. Although this may

not always happen, it is good to create such an environment such that each

party will be contented with the agreement or the decision made. It should

be your ultimate goal to have a win-win outcome at the end of your

discussion. The aspect doesn’t mean that you will not have to argue so that

everybody wins. You need to discuss, but avoid being selfish. You need to

listen to the other side of the argument and check whether their idea also

carries some weight. Although you might have to let, your design goes or

chip in for more merit on your side, after listening to the other side of the

story you might have to be relenting and allow the other party to win.

However, you need to compromise on the positive alternatives. In other

words, you need to dwell on the decision that will draw more benefits than

losing. If you will end up benefiting by letting go of the original position,

the better. Thus, it is essential to the way the benefits you will arrive before

making any decision. The aspect will allow you to include the ideas of the

other parties before making the final judgment.

Implementing a Course of Action

From the agreement, a course action needs to be applied to carry through

the decision made. In this stage, some aspects ought to be considered. They

include strategic planning and taking the course of action. Negotiation is

said to be incomplete if a decision is made and a class of work received.

Strategic thinking is critical in the sense that it allows the two parties to

develop a means of ensuring that all the ideas or agreements arrived are

incorporated in the course of action. Strategic planning is also critical in the

sense that it allows one to define the path to be taken for the agreement to

be achieved. The First, aspect that ought to be considered in planning is to

identify the place you are and the target that needs to be met. As a party,

you need to gather a lot of information that will help your maneuverer in

the course of action. It is during this stage that goals are set. The purposes

are arranged about the agreements made.

There are cases where disagreements escalate, and no party is willing to

relent. In such situations, persuasion skills are required. If you are shy, the

best thing to do is to be silent and try to observe the flow of the discussion.

Don’t rush into making the decision. If there are more chances of

negotiations, make a point of persuading the other party on the need to

agree. You may also decide to call for another meeting so as you may

recognize. It is not advisable to create hostility between the parties.

Patience

Good negotiators are always patient. They didn’t judge in making

judgments. However, they remain focused on the main idea and allow all

the parties in the negotiation to speak and present their case. What good

negotiators do is to identify the benefits between the two warring parties.

They then try to identify a common ground that will satisfy all the parties

that are involved. Apart from that, good negotiators always find questions

that are meant for clarity purposes. They will ensure that all the points

discussed are well understood. Thus, as a good negotiator, you need to

develop some sense of ownership and be patient as you negotiate. Ask

questions for clarity to avoid any form of confusion. It is also essential to

have clarity of ideas as you listen to your opponents. The aspects open your

mind such that you will identify the areas that need more discussion or the

areas that bring in more merits.

Active Listening

Even if you are shy, listening doesn’t necessarily need any form of being

courageous. During a conversation, good negotiators listen attentively to the

other parties as they note every point that is put across. Active listening

focuses on body language as well as all verbal communication. It is critical

to interpreting the body language revolved by the negotiators. The aspect is

crucial for identifying presence. Presence in a conversation is vital in

determining how interested one is. In other words, it helps in defining the

interest that one has in the discussion. If you are interested in something,

you will have more chances of convincing the other parties in buying your

idea. Active listening is one of the critical things that negotiators use to

reveal how interested they are in a particular conversation. They are always

charismatic about everything they speak. They are involved in the

negotiation, and they will do all which is requir4d to win the negotiation.

However, active listening doesn’t necessarily mean you have to dominate

the conversation. However, active listening enables one to be in living in

the discussion and quickly identify the merits of the decision made.

Emotional Control

A negotiator must understand when and how to control emotions. It is

worth noting that negotiation on sensitive matters can be frustrating, mainly

if your wish isn’t meant. In most cases, during meetings, your ideas might

be ignored, and you may feel as if you are sidelined. For example, if you

are negotiating with the right supplier, you might be forced to agree with his

or her terms and conditions. The aspect may create some sense of

desperation. However, you don’t have to show you are desperate. Own up

the agreement and try to control your emotions. The aspect is critical in the

sense that it allows you to be persistent and patient.

In most cases, emotions are best portrayed using non-verbal communication

cues. It is essential to aim at solving a problem rather than whining. In other

words, good negotiators use their skills as well as abilities to find a variety

of solutions to the existing issues. Instead of concentrating on the desired

goals of negotiation, one should focus on solving a problem. The aspect

may require breaking down the conversation so as all the parties that are

involved may benefit.

Agreement

An agreement is usually achieved when the viewpoints of both sides, as

well as their interests, are considered. It is critical to involve everyone in the

discussion at hand. In other words, try to be open-minded before making

your decision. Learn to accept and allow the solution or nature to take its

course. You don’t have to be rigid to change. At times you might be having

brilliant ideas, but when it some of the benefits, your thoughts might be

having fewer benefits than you thought. Thus, as you prepare for the

negotiation, be prepared to consider both sides of the agreement. In other

words, you need to set your minds such that your idea may be preferred or

you may end up letting go with your thoughts or opinions. The driving

force should be winning rather than competing.

Ethics and Reliability

The method is chosen, or rather, the decision made should be in line with

the rules and regulations of the nation therein. Thus, as you negotiate, make

a point of referring to what the law of the land claim. The aspect is critical

in the sense that it allows you to have a ground over which you can average

with your counterpart. Both bargaining should be ready to comply with the

rules and regulations of the nation. The negotiator should keep reminding

the other party of the need to operate or argue within the law. All the

unlawful discussions or actions shouldn’t be allowed in the negotiation. The

other aspe4ct that is critical in studies is the aspect6 of reliability. If you are

reliable with what you speak or direct, the audience to gain more

confidence with whatever you are speaking. In most cases, security relies

on the aspect of understanding the law. In other words, good negotiators are

familiar with the law, and they will work toward achiebvi9ng or fulfilling

what the law provides.

In a nutshell, all the aspects of negotiations can be possessed by anyone. In

other words, even if you are shy, you can learn some of these tips and

become a good negotiator. The aspect of using the power of powered is

critical in each negotiation. The other element that is key in negotiation is

creativity. You need to be creative so as you can win in the talk. However,

winning shouldn’t be the only aim of bargaining. Be inclusive and ensure

that the conversation is not one-sided. Even if you have a great idea, make a

point of listening to the other parties and give them time to air out their

thoughts, although you might have to let your design go or chip in for more

merit on your side, after listening to the other side of the story you might

have to be relenting and allow the other party to win. Accept to learn and

will enable the solution or nature to take its course. You don’t have to be

rigid to change. At times you might be having brilliant ideas, but when it

some of the benefits, your thoughts might be having fewer benefits than you

thought. Active listening is one of the critical things that negotiators use to

reveal how interested they are in a particular conversation. They are always

charismatic about everything they speak. They are involved in the

negotiation, and they will do all which is required to win the negotiation. As

a good negotiator, you need to develop some sense of ownership and be

patient as you negotiate. Ask questions for clarity to avoid any form of

confusion. It is also essential to have clarity of ideas as you listen to your

opponents and be ready to learn.

CHAPTER 9: Crucial

Conversation

Crucial conversation can be described as a dialogue between two or more

persons when emotions are high, opinions differ and odds are high. Crucial

conversation can also be referred to as a critical conversation. Crucial

conversations cut across different categories including both at home and

workplaces. This is because it helps to accomplish desired results in stuck

situations at any premise. People are encouraged to learn this skill set

because it enables people to face any situation with anyone.

There are three main things one can do during crucial conversations. One

can shun them, one can face them and poorly handle them or one can face

them and successfully handle them. However, the odds of handling it poorly

is high when the situation is more vital. People tend to absorb many things

and keep it themselves until they can take it in and they explode. Basically,

people oscillate between silence and violence if a crucial conversation is not

held or held poorly.

One doesn’t have to physically attack the opposing party. Someone can

attack the other opposing party ideas and feelings. If crucial conversation

fails, detrimental effects can be seen in people careers, surrounding

communities, personal health and one's relationship to others

Characteristics of Critical Conversations

1. Differences in opinion

This is a term used to describe differences between two parties. This can be

elucidated by an employee having a conversation with the manager over an

increment of salary or a possible job promotion. The rift is then encountered

when the boss thinks the employee is not entitled to promotion or pay rise.

2. Stakes are high

Critical conversations have high loss probability because of the risk factors

involved. A clear depiction is seen when one is in a boardroom with

colleagues, he or she is forced to cling to an orthodox idea different from

the rest of the group for the firm to hit its targets.

3. Emotions run strong

The high-intensity level of emotion is a characteristic of critical

communication. One tends to be furious when information relayed to him

or her is false and it involves a close party. It can be shown by a man or a

lady accusing the lover of infidelity.

Reasons Why Crucial Conversations Tend to Fail

1. Fight or Flight

This a violent force caused by acute stress over an issue. An event of fight

or flight in the event of crucial conversation is that it leads to violence. This

makes it even difficult to find a common background on the issue. Thus, it

can lead to failure in a crucial conversation. People tend to resolve to fight

over issues and this can even lead to injuries or death of those fighting.

Having the ability to control anger helps both parties maintain peace as

talks are ongoing. This helps disagreeing parties find amicable solutions.

Scientific research proves that in a stressful situation, the adrenaline is also

known as the ephedrine and morphine hormone overflows in the brain. The

hormone acts as a switch. It triggers the turning off the part of the brain that

reasons and then turns on the gateway part of the lower brain known as the

amygdala. This effect has several responses. One’s response time happens

to be quicker, hearing is improved and sight becomes accurate. However, it

drops the verbal skills of anyone. The circumstance is great if one is in

combat with a predator, but not favorable with a boss, colleague, spouse or

friend.

Critical conversations have high odds to put people on the flight and fight

situations. To avoid these situations, people are advised not to resolute to

violence or keeping so much to themselves. Not being able to open up

freely can lead to one being explosive within no time. People are

encouraged to develop good strategies and skills when faced with critical

conversations. These can be leveraged in solving problems.

2. Time Pressure

We certainly are in a world where people try to make the most out of the

time we have. We certainly try to expand the number of activities done in

certain limited time and try having them done effectively. Such action has,

however, creating excessive pressure on people's relationships both at home

and workplaces.

Time pressure occurs when parties having crucial conversation think they

have limited time to resolve issues, Lack of time is one major cause of

conflicts across the world. Critical conversation can be held, but it could be

difficult to find a solution if one or both parties do not have time or are

impatient. It has seen a rise of phrases such as, ‘He/ She did not create time

to listen to my grievances...” It is because it is a significant factor in

negotiations between people despite it being a scarce resource.

For people having a critical conversation will tend to find a solution if more

time is created to find solutions to issues. For people in critical conversation

weather one with a manager, a friend or a family member, one is advised to

create an air bubble of time, then find a good place and talk lengthily in

calmness about relevant issues.

Hasty decisions made out of rush tend to have a negative impact. This leads

to the failure of crucial issues as some delicate matters can be left out of the

table for discussion. Crucial matters need adequate time, so as to find long-

lasting solutions. Adequate time without any hurry gives both parties time

to talk about even the smallest issue and time to find better solutions for

everything.

However, time is not supposed to be used as a pitfall. Therefore, it is

favorable if more time is taken depending on how long the issue had last.

This is made to have a perfect time to reflect and have a quality

conversation over the issue at stake.

3. Uncertainty on How to React

The confusion of not having a perfect way to react tends to deflate people to

react differently. There are some actions people will expose that might give

opposite feedback. This is because there is always an element of uncertainty

over the action or future. The uncertainty is due to the nature of human

beings not having perfect information or insight.

People have different views on the uncertain situation. Some view it as

crippling while others find a way to maneuver the uncertain situation to a

point of light. There are two important ways one can move past, uncertain

situation than getting stuck in the situation.

Rational Doubt

There are moments when uncertainty reveals to us that one has inadequate

insight to give us a proper bearing on decisions made during critical

conversations. Therefore, one is encouraged by the father to educate

themselves. A person who spent more time on research before having a

crucial conversation has a high chance of finding solutions to the issue.

Rational Faith

Regardless of the quantity of information gathered, one can never have a

true picture of the decision on the crucial conversation to be undertaken.

Things tend to fall into analysis paralysis if we have a tendency to

overthink. It is a position where uncertainty makes one chase endless

available information and knowledge without taking any action into

account.

In every decision, one has to take some leap of faith before it is made. It is

because of the levels of uncertainty. The levels of uncertainty are caused by:

a) Imperfect knowledge: One can never know detailed information

going into the critical conversation so it is best if one acts on

imperfect knowledge on the issue.

b) Time constraint: If one waits for so long to make a decision, then

he or she can miss the opportunity to make it.

c) The downward spiral of inaction: Information can be sourced

from books, videos or other people. However, sometimes you need

to just take action, grow and learn from the choices made from the

critical conversation.

These are the things making it clear that some measure of uncertainty is

seen in several critical conversations.

Uncertainty can either make on to step back to move forward. Rational

reactions to uncertainty are doubt and faith. When in doubt one tends to

step back and put everything to a halt before taking an action until he or she

has gathered enough information. When there is faith, one has the

motivation to move forward with the planned course of action despite not

having all the facts. Both these acts have to be learned because they are

vital purposes of the human mind.

4. They are spontaneous.

Critical conversations tend to happen out of the blues continuously. They

tend to catch up to people by surprise. Lack of ability may lead to failure of

the conversation since one cannot refer to anything or anybody. This, in

turn, leads to poor decision making hence failure of a critical conversation.

Importance of Critical Conversation

1. It improves relations

Critical conversations have a depth impact on relationships. A survey shows

that when you ask somebody about the reason why couples break up,

Reason is because of indifferences of opinion. Generally, people have a

different way of how they manage their lives from finances, time and

relationships. It becomes a critical conversation when people open up and

the views are divergent.

Mastering the art of criticism

2. It helps in kick-starting a career

Over the years, individuals who make things get done and can build lasting

relationships with people have mastered the art of critical conversation.

People who have mastered critical conversations are mostly termed as

influential. Most of the employees with a high - performance index can be

able to stand up to their bosses and air out their issues without having career

suicides. This despite most people having career suicides

There are some uncouth behavioral patterns or hot topics that even friends

find it difficult to talk about one has to stand out and speak about. This

doesn’t limit someone standing up to correct those in the higher ranks of

power. It reaches a point when one doesn’t have to make a choice between

being effective and being honest. People who go-ahead to hold critical

conversations boldly and handle them well have a great chance of

expressing their opinions over risky topics. They are able to get their

spouses, bosses or peers’ attention and give direct reports with neither of

these parties getting offended or angry.

3. Improves an organization

Good organizations that have maintained a high class have been steered by

great performance management systems. Any company that aims to

succeed has to aim at revamping its systems on performance management.

However, it is not the only backbone to a successful organization because

some organizations were successful because of how they handled critical

conversations. In high ranking organizations, when an employee fails to

deliver on their promises, colleagues are willing to step up and discuss the

matter at stake.

In the worst companies, such crucial conversations are often ignored and

the problem left to hang. However, in great companies, bosses tend to find

solutions to the issues during critical conversations affecting employees.

Everyone is held accountable regardless of the position or ranks in great

companies. The path to improved productivity in a company or firm is done

through face to face conversations on every issue. Good companies have a

good skill set to settle these issues through critical conversations such as:

Safety: When someone goes in contrary to what the company

expects of him or her, the First, person to realize the issue is

supposed to hold a critical conversation. This is despite the rank or

level one holds.

Productivity: If an employee doesn’t work up to his or her

expectation, a critical conversation is then held and the parties

affected to find solutions.

Diversity: When one feels offended or threatened, he or she

expertly holds talks with the other party and amicably find

solutions.

Quality: Companies with good and quality rules, problems are

discussed face to face and solutions found

4. Revitalizes communities

How issues are handled in communities is what distinguishes good

communities and best communities. This is despite both communities

having issues. The difference comes up on how critical conversations are

held. Various groups find an amicable way of having crucial talks in the

best communities. They then make sure that they achieve an agreed solution

on the issue. However, if such steps are not adhered to, communities tend to

pay heftily during meetings. People tend to insult each other because of

divergent views which can lead to fights too.

This behavior, both in public and private has an impact on the health of the

community. Unruly behavior observed in a community has an influence on

kids. A survey conducted shows that some people became criminals

because of the surrounding social environment. Violence shapes a kid to the

wrong growth pattern of a person.

5. Improves personal health

A research conducted by Dr. Janice Keicolt-Glaser and Dr. Ronald Glaser

conducted groundbreaking research. It focused on the immune system of

couples who had been married for forty years. It compared those who

solved their issues amicably and those who argued mostly. It proved that

those who had failed to solve their issues routinely had weaker immune

systems. This weak immune system leads to a detrimental in these couple

health status

CHAPTER 10: The Power of

Dialogue

Dialogue is a conversation between two or more parties over an issue. It can

also be described as a form of communication with a target of pushing for

common information and a similar purpose. Dialogues have been given an

upper hand in the society today since it is important in closing deals

between companies, countries, partners or continents. Time has made

people change how they view conversations and making them smart at it.

People need to overcome differences, build on common grounds and set

good trajectories together.

This was a concept that was brought to light by Greeks. They believed that

an individual was not intelligent if he or she did not reason with other

people. Having got to think together as a group made people unearth and

realize the truth of themselves. Greeks were sure that if two people were not

certain of their thoughts, by probing each other they would be able to

achieve a greater milestone one party couldn’t. If these parties question

each other cautiously and with great fines analyze their ideas, searching for

the varying points they can attain deep insight. This can be possible if the

process is calm, orderly and peaceful.

Dialogue is a time confused with other types of discourse. However, the

dialogue has its own unique category of discourse. It is differentiated from

debate since people do not argue for a certain point of view, protect a set of

hypotheses or criticize other people's positions. It is also different from

negotiation since it is not aimed at arriving at an agreement. Dialogue is

also different from a discussion because it can only come into existence

when participants have a deep understanding. Participants have to leave out

their judgmental side and be keen to all angles talked about.

However, there are times when people in the modern community are not

focused on genuine understanding. These are moments when people do not

understand each other. It makes the dialogue to be a monologue. People fire

information like bullets in a gun at each other across the internet, text

messages, tweets or blogs against us. Adrift in a community can be realized

because none of us is paying attention to the other party. Noisy chatters can

be a good illustration of how sometimes we fail to engage each other in

genuine conversations.

Presence of inadequate genuine understanding, the fake dialogue has come

into existence. Faked dialogue has seen the rise of showmanship. Separate

groups of people have engaged in dialogue for a sole reason for publicity. It

has been observed that conflicting parties can have quality time available to

dialogue on matters at hand; however, most important topics tend to be

avoided. They're also named consultations that are publicly termed as

dialogues, but nothing takes place in private places.

Governing Principles of a Dialogue

Dialogue like other forms of communication has governing principles.

These are fundamental guidelines that help the dialogue process to be

successful. The key principles include:

1. Inclusiveness

The process of dialogue id democratic, hence it has to be inclusive. This is

because every detail of social expressions has to be listened to from

political, social, and economic to military expressions. If the process is not

included, then it can sabotage the dialogue process. Hence, it can lead to a

corrupt outcome of the process. Inclusiveness also cuts across the parties

that feel marginalized in a group, society or relationship. Inclusiveness

helps the dialogue process to be sustainable from the solutions achieved.

2. Joint ownership

Joint ownership brings on board the criterion that the dialogue process has

to assured not to be an act of one party but the all-inclusive process. This

can be depicted by a government tiring to accomplish its agenda to the

citizens. The process holds the notion that everybody is represented and

engaged equally. It is described in two ways since no party is dictating to

each other.

Ownership is easily promised through dialogue since the process is

inclusive and engaging. Change and reforms prove to be futile when

ownership of the process is not guaranteed. A great milestone can be

achieved compared to other experiences. This because both parties involved

tend to take matters forward and remarkable solutions achieved because of

joint ownership.

3. Learning

Dialogues create a platform for several people to learn. It is possible for

people self reflects on the past and think about the future critically. People

are then enabled to see the truth in each other's point of thought. This can be

very helpful also for the public to realize on development of truth which can

have positive feedback.

Dialogue is all about the unfolding of the minds and not the physical act of

talking. This weighty principle tries to depict how the dialogue process

focuses more on interaction. This can also distinguish between fake and real

dialogue. This is because it is unlike conversations where people seek to

win. Learning helps to discern between fake dialogue and legitimate

dialogue. There is a major skill set that is key during the learning process of

dialogue such as:

Respect; this is the awareness of the integrity of the different

parties. This helps in the swiftness of the process.

Suspension; occurs when one suspends judgment, suspicion or

certainty of issues.

4. Humanity

It is a characteristic that portrays how people deal with each other when

they engage with each other in a dialogue. It requires people to have

empathy for each other and the situation. Empathy is the ability to

understand one's feelings given the available circumstances. When people

take strides to understand each other than the fruits of dialogue can be seen.

5. Long term perspective

Dialogue involves using time in a different way. This is when one realizes

that dialogue is not for a quick and easy fix. Significant changes in

relationships tend to take longer and are bound by a commitment from

involved parties. One-off interventions tend to have a low reputation in

dialoguing.

Advantages of Dialoguing

Dialogue is more important currently than ever because it has several

benefits in the current world. It does not serve its own function but also aids

in humans finding their purpose in this world. The benefits of dialogue can

be exceedingly great if the process is fruitful. These benefits of dialogue

include:

1. It helps build the society.

Through effective dialogue, members can easily share ideas and

information. This set of information can be vital in building and rebuilding

society. The information shared through dialogue can then be vital in the

development of the society and its members in general. Dialogue helps a

community to discuss all aspects of life affecting the community such as

social, economic, political and religious issues. Hence, conflicting parties

can think of different or solve conflicts. This helps in the building and

development of a great society.

2. It helps to create harmony

People are able to spread love to each other which is a great contributing

factor to society's development. People are confident with each other when

they are able to dialogue together. This forms a cushion of comfort between

two or more parties hence creating harmony. People can freely interact and

expose what they truly think or feel in a safe environment.

This act has been seen in various countries such as Bangladesh. Bangladesh

is a country of close to 160 million people. This country also has various

different minorities and diverse religious groups such as Christians,

Buddhists, and Muslims. Various social sets of people expose the country to

various forms of disagreements such as inter-religious conflicts or political

mayhem. Dialogues have helped create stability between these different sets

of groups thus leading to a realization of harmony in the country.

3. It is an effective way of communicating with family members

When parents decide to participate in conversations with their sons or

daughters, they get a chance to learn about both the negative and positive

aspects of themselves and their children. A next step can be undertaken in

changing the negative aspects of the family. A dialogue is very essential in

the development of an ideal family. This is further transverse to the

extended set of a family. Good clans that have stood for years have had

effective ways to dialogue between the members, thus creating a solid bond

between them.

Dr. John Gray recommends dialogue for couples with conflicting matters.

He further says controversies have a huge impact on the destruction of

people's emotional life. In such moments he warns partners in dispute on

turning to rage because it lowers both parties’ psych to solve the matter.

Turning to rage also can lead to the hurting of the couple’s feelings.

Therefore, a mutual dialogue is very essential in finding solutions since

both parties are able to stipulate what they want or need.

Calm expression of one’s feelings has a better way of building bridges

during rifts. Men and women generally are different in nature. The most

appropriate way to avoid controversies is by having a friendly

communication anchored on the dialogue between couples. This helps to

create respect between the conflicting parties. It reduces the chances of any

party getting humiliated and opens a door for understanding between

couples.

Dr. John advises the couples that they should leave behaviors that shutter

the possibilities of a successful dialogue. These behaviors include the start

of fighting and retribution, resulting in scars of the past or ignoring the

situations. When couples dialogue and listen to each other have a great

chance in overcoming their problems as pointed out by Richard Carlson.

4. It helps to achieve justice

Justice is the ability of people being fair and reasonable. It can be realized if

people sit down and listen to each other’s point of view. The parties

involved discuss the issue at stake or the problem at hand as the next step

after listening to each other. If there is an absence of effective dialogue, it

can result in a distorted form of justice. Hence, no justice will be served.

The dialogue process has been used by various social groups across the

world to achieve justice. These social groups include individuals,

organizations, communities or groups. The dialogue was used by one of the

greatest leaders known as Nelson Mandela. It was a tool that was used to

bring an end to an apartheid rule in South Africa. It brought two separate

parties together and justice was achieved through dialogue by both

communities.

5. It helps in the exchange of culture, experiences, and information

among people

Dialogue is an essential tool for breaking down barriers between different

groups in the world. Information can easily be learned and swiftly shared in

the presence of good dialogue. This positively helps people or societies to

advance and progress.

6. It helps the mind

The dialogue has a pivotal development of human insight and perception.

There are three aspects and they include:

First, Aspect

Dialogue has the ability to open up rough paths to find the truth.

There is not a single path to discovery of truth since there are

several paths. If a person is only clouded with his or her own path,

he or she is deprived of the truest path that leads to truth. People are

able to exchange insights through dialogue and the best ideas are

also crafted during the process.

Second Aspect

A dialogue help in sharpening the different ideas between different

parties. Exchange of ideas and dialogues helps to create a bridge

between rifting ideas. This can lead to different parties adopting

each other point of reasoning as sprouting ideas and evidence. This

helps to better their ideas and it helps to find an intercepting point

on parallel matters. This has seen several people describe to

dialogue as a medicine.

Third Aspect

Dialogue is so vital to the mind since it helps to deepen a person’s

thinking and perception of issues. The mind of a human being has

an ability to vary and change when it is aware of new things that are

of sense. It is made possible by the identification of fresh ideas that

seem to violate. It is also made possible by the identification of

different possessions and understanding of what the situation is

about.

Characteristics of Good Dialogue Participants

1. Humility

This is a great attribute in the world we live in. Good participants in a

dialogue are supposed to be humble. They are supposed to show empathy

for each other. This act is vital since each party is able to understand the

situation the different party is in. They can then get better solutions given

this understanding. Empathy is also followed by honesty. Speaking

sincerely through the challenges faced by the participants is able to find

solutions. Humility lowers ego and helps the parties understand each other.

2. Good communicator

Participants in dialogue should be people who can communicate well. This

transcends to good orators and masters of a common language between the

conflicting parties. Good communicators can be able to air out the

grievances in a clear and simple manner. Smallest words used in poor

contexts can affect the dialogue process. The dialogue process that has poor

communicators can lead to further destruction of relationships. However, if

handled well through good communication, they lead to the creation of

strong and deeper relationships between conflicting parties.

3. Flexible in thought

A good participant in dialogue has an ability to be able to handle dual

perspective. He or she is supposed to be able to keep his objective of the

matter intact but can still look at the issue through the other person’s view

of thought. This quality is important because one can able to find solutions

with deepened reasoning on the issue. Flexible thinking can be enhanced

by:

Change of context; a good communicator has to really understand

the context of the opposite party and understand the matter. Some

even go to the conflicting partner’s environment to gain experience.

Try something new; this is a point when a communicator in a

dialogue is open to new ideas and ready to try them. It is termed as

fluid intelligence and it aids the mind. This aided greatly by novelty

since it helps in mental development.

Question thoughts and words; one is supposed to be open to

criticize his or her own ideas or words as solutions are being sought

for. One is discouraged from clinging and getting attached to only

his or her way of reasoning. Also, he or she is encouraged to neglect

ideas that do not serve him or her and focus on productive thoughts

and work.

Plan to be spontaneous; good dialogue participants are supposed to

at least change the routine of things are supposed to be done and

incorporate new routines once in a while.

A mix up of thinking ways; communicators are supposed to invoke

creative thinking during dialogue. This leads to the innovation of

new ideas during the process of dialogue. The phenomenon comes

into existence after a long period of thinking and diffusing attention.

Mental flexibility cannot be described are whimsical or arbitrary. This is

because it is anchored on aspirations, goals, and equilibrium between

spontaneity and control. Mental agility helped dialogues to realize its goals

since ideas can be modified.

4. Good control of emotions

Emotions have a great impact on how dialoguing ends. There are moments

when one might feel attacked or misunderstood and ability to manage this

situation is important. Being emotionally aware helps one to understand

what he or she is troubled with, what troubles the other party, have a

maximum concentration on the dialogue process, express himself or herself

more clearly and influence the others.

Good communicators control their emotions in several ways. These ways

include:

Development of an emergency plan; this is a strategy that helps

them cool down in high emotion periods. Some heavily breathe in

and out while others take a break and walk, then come back to the

dialogues.

Shift focus; they ask different questions that in time tend to bring a

new perspective in the process of dialogue. This also tests other

people's assumptions within the process.

Diagnose on the reason why they are high on emotion; good

communicators are able to find out on the exact points why they

disappointed and then pinpoint a solution on how the situation can

be bettered.

5. Effective listeners

Good communicators are basically good listeners. This ability helps one to

understand and get the root cause of a problem. During dialoguing,

effective listening aid in making important solutions. Effective listeners

always do certain actions, while dialogue and they include the ability to

maintain good eye contact to get the nonverbal cues, do not fidget to keep

focus, asks questions to remain active in the dialogue process, engage the

other parties so as to get insight before commenting or giving solutions and

the do not use any electronics during negotiations.

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