How to Talk to Anyone
3 Books in 1: How to Talk to Anyone,
Effective Communication, Conversation
Skills. Essential Guide to Interpersonal
and Nonviolent Communication.
Assertiveness Training.
James J. Downes
© Copyright 2019 - All rights reserved.
The content contained within this book may not be reproduced, duplicated
or transmitted without direct written permission from the author or the
publisher.
Under no circumstances will any blame or legal responsibility be held
against the publisher, or author, for any damages, reparation, or monetary
loss due to the information contained within this book. Either directly or
indirectly.
Legal Notice:
This book is copyright protected. This book is only for personal use. You
cannot amend, distribute, sell, use, quote or paraphrase any part, or the
content within this book, without the consent of the author or publisher.
Disclaimer Notice:
Please note the information contained within this document is for
educational and entertainment purposes only. All effort has been executed
to present accurate, up to date, and reliable, complete information. No
warranties of any kind are declared or implied. Readers acknowledge that
the author is not engaging in the rendering of legal, financial, medical or
professional advice. The content within this book has been derived from
various sources. Please consult a licensed professional before attempting
any techniques outlined in this book.
By reading this document, the reader agrees that under no circumstances is
the author responsible for any losses, direct or indirect, which are incurred
as a result of the use of information contained within this document,
including, but not limited to, — errors, omissions, or inaccuracies.
Download the Audio Book Version of This Book for FREE
If you love
listening to audio books on-the-go, I have great news for you. You can download the audio book
version of this book for FREE just by signing up for a FREE 30-day audible trial! See below for
more details!
Audible Trial Benefits
As an audible customer, you will receive the below benefits with your 30-day free trial:
FREE audible book copy of this book
After the trial, you will get 1 credit each month to use on any audiobook
Your credits automatically roll over to the next month if you don’t use them
Choose from Audible’s 200,000 + titles
Listen anywhere with the Audible app across multiple devices
Make easy, no-hassle exchanges of any audiobook you don’t love
Keep your audiobooks forever, even if you cancel your membership
And much more
Click the links below to get started!
For Audible US
For Audible UK
How to Talk to Anyone
Table of Contents
Introduction
Chapter 1 - Social Skills, Assertiveness, and Related Concepts
Social Skills
Assertiveness
Characteristics of Assertive People
Positive Consequences of Assertiveness and its Importance
Chapter 2 - Non-Assertive: Inhibition and Aggressiveness
Inhibition Behaviors
Internal and External Inhibition
Aggressiveness
Problems Arising From Aggression
Inhibition And Aggressiveness When Facing Conflicts
Chapter 3 - How We Learn Non-Assertive Behaviors
Excessive Adaptation To What Others Expect Of Us
Prizes And Punishments
Observation Of Other People's Behavior (Models)
Cultural Norms And Irrational Beliefs
Social Skills, Assertiveness, and Perception of the Interpersonal
Situation
Objectives and Personal Purposes
Chapter 4 - Social Rules and Social Roles
Assertiveness and Social Adequacy
Chapter 5 - Concepts Related To Social Skills And Assertiveness
Self-Esteem
Self-Esteem and Approval Of Others
Emotional Intelligence
Intrapersonal Emotional Intelligence
Interpersonal Emotional Intelligence
Empathy
Beliefs and Thoughts – What Hinders and What Facilitates
The Right To Choose Whether Or Not We Are Responsible For The
Problems Of Others
The Right To Choose If We Take Care Of Other People's Problems
The Right To Choose Whether Or Not We Want To Give Explanations
The Right To Change Your Mind
The Right To Make Mistakes
The Right To Say “I Don't Know”
The Right Of Not Needing The Approval Of Others
The Right To Make Decisions Outside Of Logic
The Right Not To Understand The Expectations Of Others
The Right Of Not Trying To Achieve Perfection
Detect And Change Thoughts
Detect And Change Irrational Beliefs
Ellis ABC Scheme
Make Self-Records Of Thoughts
Self-Instructions
Framing
Testing The Validity Of Your Beliefs And Acting Against Your
Irrational Ideas
Chapter 6 - Interpersonal Communication and Nonverbal
Communication
Interpersonal Communication
Difficulties Of Interpersonal Communication
Difficulties Related To The Characteristics Of Our Perception
Difficulties In Issuing Messages
Difficulties In The Perception And Interpretation Of The Messages
Effective Communication
Your “Maps” Of Reality
Communication Components
Characteristics of Non-Verbal Communication
Importance Of Non-Verbal Communication
Components Of Non-Verbal Language
Personal Appearance And Physical Attractiveness
Non-Verbal Components Of Speech
Gestural Tuning
Chapter 7 - Conversations and Effective Communication
Conversations and Communication
Non-Assertive Attitudes When Initiating, Maintaining Or Closing
Conversations
Start Conversations
How To Get Into An Already Started Conversation
Hold Conversations
Ending Conversations
Assertive Ways To End Conversations
What To Do If Your Interlocutor Refuses To End The Conversation
Skills To Talk And Communicate Effectively
Ask Appropriate Questions
Use The Information That Others Provide Us
Let Us Know (Self-Revelations)
Levels Of Communication
Active Listening And Reformulation
Accept Praise Assertively
Agree As Much As Possible (Do Not Argue Or Take The Opposite)
Exercises To Improve Self-Esteem
People, Places, And Activities That Make You Feel Good
Conclusion
Effective Communication
Introduction
Chapter 1: Mental Health and Communication
How to Act on Our Mind and How to Change It for Communication
You Can Change Your Mind
What is Effective Communication?
Developing the Skills of Effective Communication
Barriers to Effective Communication
How to Develop Effective Communication: Techniques and Secrets
Chapter 2: Examples of Effective Communication
Chapter 3: The Role of Empathy in Communication
What Is Empathy?
Empathy in Communication
Learn How to Be Empathetic
Using Empathy in Conversations
Example of an Empathetic Conversation
Chapter 4: The Art of Persuasion
The Basics of Persuasion
Learn How to Persuade People
Tips and Tricks to be Persuasive
Practical Examples of Persuasion
Chapter 5: How to Communicate in the Workplace
How to Resolve Conflicts
How to Become Charismatic
How to Communicate Successfully
How to Talk to Your Bosses
Mistakes to Avoid
The Do’s
Chapter 6: How to Communicate Effectively For Couples
Improve Your Ability to Listen
Frequent Mistakes in the Communication of Couples
Chapter 7: How to Communicate Effectively With Friends
Control your Emotions
Be Able to Say Anything
Know How to Listen to Them
Avoid Errors in Communication
Tricks and Techniques to Have Good Friendships
Chapter 8: Non-Violent Communication
Conclusion
Conversation Skills
Introduction
CHAPTER 1: How to Deal with Shyness, Anxiety, and Insecurity
How Shyness, Anxiety, and Insecurity Affect Communication.
Causes of Shyness, Anxiety, and Insecurity
Indications of Shyness, Anxiety, and Insecurity
How to Overcome Shyness, Anxiety, and Insecurity
How to Overcome Shyness
How to Overcome Anxiety
How to Overcome Insecurity
Consequences of Anxiety, Insecurity, and Shyness
CHAPTER 2: How Not to Avoid People and the Fear Overcome of
Talking to Them
Is Avoiding People Healthy?
How to Not Avoid People
How to Overcome Fear of Talking to People
Consequences of Being Afraid of Talking to Others
CHAPTER 3: Developing Your Skills, Getting a Basic Feel for
Conversation and Core Listening Skills
Developing One’s Communication Skills
How to Improve Listening Skills in Communication
Characters of a Good Listener
Core Listening Skills
How Does Someone Improve Their Listening Skills?
Verbal and Non-Verbal Communication Skills
The Pros of Verbal Communication
The Cons of Verbal Communication
Writing Skills in Communication
The Pros of Written Communication
Disadvantages of Written Communication
How to Improve Written Communication
How Does Someone Improve Their Verbal and Non-Verbal Skills?
What Is the Basic Feel for a Conversation?
CHAPTER 4: Recognizing and Acting on Other People’s Nonverbal
Communication and Improving Your Own Nonverbal Communication
Examples of Nonverbal Cues in Communication
Chapter 5: The Meaning, Rules, and Mistakes When Making a
Conversation
Conversations Mistakes
Starting One-On-One Conversations
Having Deeper Conversations
Ending Conversations
Real Examples of Conversations
Examples in a Real Situation
Chapter 6: How to know a Good Friend and Maintaining the
Friendship
Introducing the Process of Making Friends
Finding the Potential Friends
Always Remember People’s Names
Deepening New Friendships
CHAPTER 7: Using the Power Words to Increase Your Magnetism,
Tactics to Increase Your Charisma and Transform into a Social Magnet
Charisma
Presence
Power
Warmth
Disciplined
Convey the Right Message
Be Aware of Feelings
CHAPTER 8: Improve to Negotiate, How to Negotiate, Characteristics,
Problems, Tactics and Suggestions, and Solutions
Preparation
Clarity
Discussion
Negotiate toward a Win-Winn Situation
Implementing a Course of Action
Patience
Active Listening
Emotional Control
Agreement
Ethics and Reliability
CHAPTER 9: Crucial Conversation
Characteristics of Critical Conversations
Reasons Why Crucial Conversations Tend to Fail
Importance of Critical Conversation
CHAPTER 10: The Power of Dialogue
Governing Principles of a Dialogue
Advantages of Dialoguing
Characteristics of Good Dialogue Participants
Introduction
Congratulations on downloading How to Talk to Anyone and thank you for
doing so.
There are plenty of books on this subject on the market, thanks again for
choosing this one! Every effort was made to ensure it is full of as much
useful information as possible, please enjoy!
We can define social skills as a set of habits which are present in not only
our behaviors but also in our thoughts and emotions - that allows us to
communicate with others effectively, maintain satisfactory interpersonal
relationships, feel good, and get what we want or need.
The learning or development of social skills is a topic of great interest to
almost all of us since most of our problems and satisfactions have to do
with our interpersonal relationships. Therefore, any improvement in this
important skill will mean an increase in our well-being and quality of life.
Starting from that assumption, for a decade we have been working,
individually and in groups, with people who need or want to improve their
social skills. We have carried out a part of that work as psychotherapists
with patients who presented deficits in social skills associated with anxiety,
depression or personality disorders.
We have also worked in other areas, outside of Mental Health, with people
who wanted to improve their ability to interact effectively with others in
different contexts. This book systematizes the concepts and techniques that
are commonly used in the learning of social skills - mainly those that are
backed by scientific research - to have a guide that allows:
That anyone who wishes to improve their social skills can use it as self-help
or guided self-help manual, with minimum support from the therapist or
expert.
That the candidates who want to be a part of a social skills training group
can acquire the necessary information to adapt to the functioning of the
group, even if they join it at different times.
That any professional who wishes to coordinate a social skills training
group can follow the recommended guidelines to direct it and use the
different chapters of the book to prepare each session.
To achieve these objectives, the book offers a summary of the contributions
of the most relevant authors in the field of social skills, complemented by
ideas, techniques, and exercises that we have found useful for improving
social skills in our daily practice.
This book:
Describes what we understand by social skills and assertiveness, also
explaining other related concepts such as self-esteem, emotional
intelligence, and empathy.
Focuses on the important role of our beliefs and thoughts, describing those
that hinder or favor social skills and assertiveness.
Reviews some characteristics of interpersonal communication, focusing on
the importance of nonverbal communication.
Explains different aspects of social skills such as: holding conversations,
making and rejecting requests, resolving conflicts, asking for changes in
behavior, responding to criticism, facing the irrational behavior of other
people and properly managing anger.
All chapters contain numerous examples and exercises to practice and
improve the different skills set out in them.
One last thing…
We would love to hear your feedback about this book!
If you enjoyed this book or found it useful, we would be very grateful if
you posted a short review on Amazon. Your support does make a difference
and we read every review personally.
If you would like to leave a review, all you need to do is click the review
link on this book’s page on Amazon here (*Write a Review*).
Thank you for your support!
Chapter 1 - Social Skills,
Assertiveness, and Related
Concepts
Social Skills
Social skills (hereinafter, HH SS) are a series of behaviors and also
thoughts and emotions that increase our chances of maintaining
satisfactory interpersonal relationships and of ensuring that others do not
prevent us from achieving our goals.
We can also define them as the ability to interact with other people in such a
way that we get a maximum of benefits and a minimum of negative
consequences, both in the short and long term. HH SS are paramount in our
lives since:
Relationships with other people are our main source of well-being; but they
can also become the biggest cause of stress and discomfort, especially when
we have HH SS deficits.
Maintaining satisfactory interpersonal relationships facilitates self-esteem.
The lack of HH SS leads us to often feel negative emotions, such as
frustration or anger, and to feel rejected, undervalued or neglected by
others. People with few HH SS are more likely to suffer from psychological
disorders such as anxiety or depression, as well as certain psychosomatic
diseases.
Being socially skilled helps to increase our quality of life, to the extent that
it helps us feel good and get what we want. Satisfactory interpersonal
relationships are our main source of wellbeing. HH SS include components
as diverse as verbal and nonverbal communication; making or rejecting
requests; the resolution of interpersonal conflicts, or the positive response to
criticism. In addition, the skills required vary according to the situations we
are in, the people with whom we interact or the objectives that we intend to
achieve in each interaction.
Behavioral psychology has addressed the study of HH SS considering three
dimensions: 1) externally observable motor behavior; 2) the physiological-
emotional and, 3) the cognitive aspects, that is, the beliefs, thoughts and
mental images.
Observable behaviors - looks, facial expressions, gestures, form, and
content of verbal communication, etc. - are the most obvious components of
HH SS and also those that have been most investigated.
The physiological components of the HH SS are the physiochemical
changes related to them; for example, hyperactivation of the sympathetic
nervous system that occurs when we experience anxiety.
In recent years, more and more importance is being given to the cognitive
components of HH SS; progressively recognizing the determining role of
our thoughts (of our way of perceiving and evaluating reality).
Assertiveness
Assertiveness is a primary component of HH SS. We can define it as an
attitude of self-affirmation and defense of our personal rights, which
includes the expression of our feelings, preferences, needs, and opinions, in
an appropriate way; respecting, at the same time, those of others.
The aim of assertiveness is not to achieve what one wants at any cost or,
even less, control or manipulate others. What it intends is to help us to be
ourselves, to develop our self-esteem and to improve interpersonal
communication, making it more direct and honest.
Galassi considers that assertiveness includes three main areas:
Self-affirmation, which consists of defending our legitimate rights, making
requests and expressing personal opinions.
The expression of positive feelings, such as making or receiving praise and
expressing pleasure or affection.
The expression of negative feelings, which includes expressing
disagreement or dislike, properly, when it is justified to do so.
Characteristics of Assertive People
The assertive person presents a series of thoughts, emotions and typical
behaviors that we can summarize as follows:
He knows himself and is usually aware of what he feels and what he wants
at each moment.
It is accepted unconditionally, without it depending on your achievements
or the acceptance of others. Therefore, when he wins or loses, when he
obtains success or when he does not achieve his goals, he always retains his
own respect and dignity.
He knows how to understand and properly manage their feelings and those
of the rest. Therefore, he does not experience more anxiety than is
appropriate in his interpersonal relationships and is able to face conflicts,
failures or successes serenely.
He doesn't demand the things he wants, but he doesn't fool himself thinking
he doesn't care.
He accepts their limitations of any kind but, at the same time, fights with all
his might to realize his possibilities.
He stays true to himself in any circumstance and feels responsible for his
life and his emotions. Therefore, he maintains an active attitude, striving to
achieve its objectives.
As he tends to know and accept himself and express what he thinks, wants
and feels, he usually gives an image of a congruent and authentic person.
He respects and values himself and others. Thus, he is able to express and
defend his rights, while respecting the rights of others.
You can communicate with people of all levels: friends, family and
strangers, and this communication tend to be open, direct, frank and
adequate. Choose, if possible, the people around you and, kindly but firmly,
determine who your friends are and who are not. He usually expresses his
opinions, desires, and feelings adequately instead of waiting for others to
guess them.
The assertive person tends to maintain positive attitudes towards himself
and others.
Positive Consequences of Assertiveness and its Importance
Assertiveness has very positive consequences, among which the following
stand out:
It facilitates communication and minimizes the possibility that
others misunderstand our messages.
It helps to maintain more satisfying relationships.
It increases the chances of getting what we want.
It increases satisfaction and reduces the inconvenience and conflicts
caused by living together.
It improves self-esteem.
It favors positive emotions, in oneself and in others.
Those who relate to the assertive person obtain clear and non-manipulative
communication, feel respected and perceive that the other feels good with
them. Assertiveness is a topic of growing interest in various areas; for
example, in psychotherapy, education, or labor relations.
The interest that awakens is logical since being able to express our desires
and opinions, defend our rights and take the reins of our own lives are very
desirable issues for anyone. In addition, assertiveness is an important
component of what we understand by mental health, as poorly assertive
individuals experience feelings of isolation, low self-esteem, depression,
fear and anxiety in interpersonal situations. They also often feel rejected or
used by others and often have psychosomatic problems, such as headaches
or digestive disorders.
On the other hand, various investigations show that those who have actively
participated in assertiveness training programs tend to experience:
1. An increase in feelings of self-worth and self-efficacy;
2. More positive attitudes towards those around them;
3. Less anxiety in social situations;
4. Greater ability to communicate and interact effectively with others
and, improvement in their general state of health, or at least in their
perception of it. To better understand what assertiveness is; let's
compare it with two forms - as opposed to each other - of non-
assertive behavior, which is inhibition and aggressiveness.
Chapter 2 - Non-Assertive:
Inhibition and Aggressiveness
Inhibition Behaviors
Inhibition is a form of non-assertive behavior characterized by submission,
passivity, withdrawal and the tendency to adapt excessively to external rules
or the wishes of others, without having enough consideration for your own
interests, feelings, rights, opinions, and wishes.
Inhibited people tend to think, feel and act in counterproductive ways, such
as the following:
They do not adequately express what they feel and want; They expect
others to guess, and they feel bad when they need something, and others
don't respond.
They let themselves be dominated by others because they believe they are
right or because they fear being offended.
They allow others to involve them in situations that are not to their liking.
They tend to shut up or speak in a low and insecure voice, be nervous and
avoid eye contact, thus showing their discomfort when interacting with
other people.
They dare not refuse requests or feel guilty in doing so. They think they
need to be appreciated by everyone and believe that if they stop being
submissive, they will not get the approval of others, without which their
conditional self-esteem collapses.
They do not dare to defend their rights because they do not respect
themselves enough and tend to believe that the rights of others are more
important than theirs.
They feel compelled to give too many explanations of what they do or don't
do.
They are afraid to express their feelings and desires. Sometimes, they are so
used to repressing them that they fail to realize them. They do not face
conflicts.
They do not feel like owners of their feelings, occasionally experiencing
"emotional explosions" that escape their control.
It bothers them to be dependent on other people, but they dare not break
that dependence.
They adapt their behavior excessively to other people's rules and whims and
to what they think others expect of them.
Rodríguez and Serralde consider that the inhibited people are like mutilated
beings because they believe they are insufficient, they believe they have a
thousand reasons for not act and live life according to the rules and whims
of others, without really knowing who they are, what they feel or what they
want.
Among the negative consequences that these people suffer, the following
stand out:
They do not recognize their qualities or potentialities. They believe they are
inferior although, in reality, they are not. They do not fight to achieve
objectives that would be very important for them, because they do not
believe they are capable of achieving them or because they do not fit with
their vision of themselves. This leads them to live a mediocre life, well
below their means.
They tend to have unsatisfactory personal relationships, because they
maintain habits in their way of thinking, feeling and acting that lead them to
be excessively resigned, inhibited, fearful of rejection and intimacy with
others, and unable to defend their rights.
They are victims of their lack of assertiveness but do not realize it. They
justify their passivity and their fear with excuses: "If I reply, my boss will
get mad at me and fire me"; “If I ask my husband to help me with the
housework, he won't do it and he will be mad at me”; “If I try to set limits
on the person who mistreats me, he will be enraged and I will not know
how to react”; “If I start this business, I will not succeed,” etc.
They are not able to express their thoughts, opinions, and desires, or express
them in a defeatist way, with apologies or insecurity. They judge the
expression of some emotions such as distaste, anger or tenderness
impossible and sometimes they are not even allowed to feel them.
They humbly bow to the wishes of others and lock theirs inside, regardless.
Their main objective is to appease others and avoid conflicts. The message
they communicate verbally and nonverbally are: "I don't count"; "You can
take advantage of me"; “My thoughts and feelings are not important, only
yours are.” They have trouble relating, since those around them feel
uncomfortable, do not understand what they want or misunderstand, thus
increasing interpersonal conflicts.
They are easily offended by what others say or do, but they find it difficult
to discriminate when they are exploited or downgraded, which also prevents
them from adequately defending their interests. Their submissive behavior
usually attracts dominant people, accustomed to not respecting others.
Therefore, on many occasions, others treat them badly and lose their
respect.
They usually experience unpleasant emotions such as frustration, blockage,
inhibition, insecurity, dissatisfaction, anxiety, depression, guilt, repressed
anger or resentment. The negative emotions they experience chronically
prevent them from being happy and can favor certain diseases.
Internal and External Inhibition
When talking about inhibition, two levels should be distinguished: that of
the person who is capable of being assertive but does not manifest it
externally, because circumstances so advise, and that of the person unable
to be assertive. The latter is inhibited externally or observably, as well as
internally, that is, in terms of their way of thinking and feeling.
Inhibition at the internal level is always problematic since it involves
distorting reality and not being aware of our assertive rights and our true
feelings, desires, and needs. On the other hand, when it comes to external or
observable behavior, inhibition may be desirable in certain circumstances.
For example, when we interact with an authoritarian or irrational boss and
do not show certain assertive behaviors so as not to create problems or not
to risk losing our job.
But we must be careful that inhibition does not become a pattern of habitual
behavior that leads us to repress or ignore our emotions, needs or
preferences, or express them indirectly and improperly. To do this,
whenever possible, it is convenient to look for environments and people
with whom you can be assertive.
Aggressiveness
Aggressiveness is another form of non-assertive behavior that is the
opposite of inhibition. It consists of not respecting the rights, feelings, and
interests of others and, in its most extreme form, includes behaviors such as
offending, provoking or attacking them.
Aggression is a form of non-assertive behavior of an opposite character to
inhibition. Among the characteristics of aggressive people, we can mention
the following:
They can be self-confident, sincere and direct, but inadequately.
They express their emotions and opinions in a hostile, demanding or
threatening way.
They take any conflict or disagreement as a fight where there is no choice
but to win or lose, and they believe that giving in is equal to losing.
They rely too much on the effectiveness of imposition or violence as
methods of resolving conflicts.
They do not respect the rights and feelings of others sufficiently.
They do not feel responsible for the negative consequences that, in the
medium and long term, their aggressive behavior has for others and for
themselves.
They may feel good when they are hostile, but in the medium or long term,
they get very negative consequences.
They usually justify their aggressiveness in the name of sincerity and
congruence, thinking that their behavior is desirable because they are
sincere; they say what they think, etc.
Aggressive behavior can be physical or, more frequently, verbal. In turn,
verbal aggression may be direct (threats, hostile comments, etc.) or indirect
(e.g., sarcastic comments), and maybe accompanied by aggressive
nonverbal behaviors, such as hostile gestures, high tone of voice, etc.
Aggressive behavior is closely related to anger. Excessive or
counterproductive anger and aggressiveness are usually the results of lack
of assertiveness, that is, of not knowing how to defend our rights
adequately. They can also be maintained by a series of beliefs that favor
them.
Problems Arising From Aggression
As Ellis points out: “You don't have to look hard to find examples of the
destructive power of aggression in human life. Simply turn on the TV or
read the newspaper to realize the constant presence of aggressive behavior
in all kinds of atrocities, large and small. Aggression can have equally
disastrous effects on our own lives. If we don't stop it, it can destroy some
of our most intimate relationships and gradually undermine our physical
and psychic health.”
Among the problems produced by aggression, we can mention the
following:
Emotional disturbances. The attacked person experiences feelings of
frustration and displeasure and, at times, their self-esteem can deteriorate.
The aggressive person also often experiences feelings of tension, lack of
control, anger, hatred, frustration and low self-esteem.
Deterioration or loss of interpersonal relationships. Those who live with
aggressive people tend to hate them, return their aggressions or get away
from them. The relationships that suffer most are the most important:
couple, children, friends or partners.
Labor problems. The workplace usually generates conflicts: But if we deal
with them aggressively, things get much more complicated, interpersonal
relationships deteriorate and performance is impaired. In addition, anyone is
bothered to have a boss, a partner or an aggressive employee and is looking
forward to losing sight of it as soon as possible.
Physical health problems. Aggression and anger can facilitate or worsen
certain disorders (e.g., cardiac and circulatory).
Violence. Aggressive behaviors, in their most extreme form, give rise to
different types of violence, for example, family abuse.
Inhibition And Aggressiveness When Facing Conflicts
In our coexistence with others, frequent conflicts occur. Before them, we
can react in an inhibited, aggressive or assertive way. Inhibited behavior is
also called the “desire to lose” attitude, since the person who maintains it
puts the needs of others before their own. On the contrary, aggressive
behavior corresponds to the so-called “I win you lose” attitude because
whoever issues it only takes into account their own wishes, without
respecting the feelings and interests of others. Both positions are
problematic, at least in the long term.
On the other hand, assertiveness corresponds to a “win” attitude, in which
the person seeks to achieve his goals and defend his interests but, at the
same time, respects and takes into account the interests of others.
The person who does not know how to be assertive tends to be inhibited or
aggressive or, more commonly, oscillates between these two poles. For
example, it is inhibited and "swallows" until it can no longer, and then
"explodes" with aggressive behavior, or represses its anger and adopts
passive-aggressive behaviors.
The passive-aggressive behavior is what bothers or harms the other, but
indirectly and disguised. It is usually a consequence of the lack of ability to
deal with conflicts more effectively.
Passive-aggressive people tend to be inhibited externally, but they have a
lot of resentment and hostility internally. Not knowing how to channel their
feelings assertively and not dare to be aggressive, they use indirect methods
such as irony, sarcasm, etc.
Chapter 3 - How We Learn Non-
Assertive Behaviors
We can consider that the natural thing in a mentally healthy human being is
to be assertive; but that part of that attitude, natural and desirable, is often
lost during the socialization process. Let's look at some of the causes.
Excessive Adaptation To What Others Expect Of Us
In childhood, we are unable to fend for ourselves and need the acceptance
and support of others. This dependence, together with the need to acquire
behavior patterns that allow us to survive and live with others, leads us to
adopt ways of thinking, feeling and acting that instill in us, excessive
expectations of other people.
When time passes, these habits (transmitted by others through education
and socialization) can be so ingrained and widespread that the person ends
up losing all sense of identity. Thus, it can be difficult for us to distinguish
between what we really think, want and feel, and our habitual behavior
patterns (often determined by the attempt to meet the expectations that we
believe others have about us).
In this sense, A. Einstein said that "very few people are able to express with
equanimity opinions that differ from the prejudices of their own social
environment, and most people do not even get to form such opinions.”
Prizes And Punishments
In the learning of non-assertive behaviors, rewards or positive
reinforcements have an important role, which favors the consolidation of
the behavior to which they are associated, and the punishments (or aversive
consequences), which decrease the probability of repeating the behavior to
which they apply.
We can learn to be non-assertive if inhibition of aggressiveness has been
praised or rewarded in certain situations. Thus, aggressive behavior is
reinforced on many occasions because it allows obtaining short-term
advantages, although in the long term it is very harmful. Inhibited behavior
is also often reinforced, for example, parents and teachers tend to praise
obedient, quiet and quiet children for behaving in that way.
Teachers tend to praise obedient children, thus reinforcing their inhibited
behavior.
Observation Of Other People's Behavior (Models)
Another important way of learning is done by observing the behaviors of
others. In this way, children learn to imitate inhibited or aggressive
behaviors that they observe in their parents, teachers, and classmates, or
even in characters from television or video games.
Cultural Norms And Irrational Beliefs
An example of a cultural norm that favors inhibition is maintained by some
social groups when considering that women must be submissive, or that
they should not work outside the home, so they cannot have economic
independence.
As for the irrational beliefs that prevent us from being assertive, generally
learned in the socialization process, we can highlight two of them: the
demands (towards oneself or towards others) and the minimization-
rationalization, which is the tendency to deny our legitimate rights and
preferences.
Social Skills, Assertiveness, and Perception of the Interpersonal
Situation
As we pointed out before, assertiveness is a fundamental part of HH SS, but
they are two different concepts since there are situations in which being
assertive would not be anything skillful (an extreme example would be if
we are facing a robber who threatens us with a gun).
In more everyday situations, some assertive behaviors, such as expressing
certain opinions, saying that you feel upset about the other's behavior or
asking him to change his behavior; although they are reasonable and
justified, they can cause an unfavorable reaction in the other person, at least
initially.
Therefore, being socially skilled means being able to properly perceive the
interpersonal situation, without losing sight of our goals but trying to
anticipate the reaction of the other person and the results we will obtain,
both in the short and long term. In this way, we can discriminate when we
should behave in one way or another.
For this, we must take into account: 1) personal objectives and purposes
and, 2) the social rules implicit in each situation, group or social role.
Objectives and Personal Purposes
It is important that we get used to taking into account the objectives that we
intend to achieve in any interaction (both ours and those of others). Often,
these goals are: to feel good; achieve acceptance by others; maintain self-
esteem; get and transmit information; meet diverse needs; make a favorable
impression; persuade the interlocutor to do something; solve problems or
make new friends.
The idea is to be clear about the objectives of each one; try to anticipate the
most probable consequences - in the short and long term - of the different
behaviors that we can carry out and, based on all this, decide how we want
to behave in that situation.
Chapter 4 - Social Rules and Social
Roles
In social groups, there are rules that indicate the behaviors that must (or
should not) be carried out; which may vary according to the type of
situation and the roles we play. There are rules that are used for almost all
occasions, such as: "Be kind,” "Do not disturb people,” etc. Others refer to
certain situations, such as: "When you go to a party you should be cheerful
and be well dressed.” Finally, there are specific rules of an environment, for
example, some ways of relating to certain companies.
People with HH SS try to capture those rules inherent to each situation.
Instead, socially inexperienced people often ignore or confuse them (as if
they were playing a game without knowing its rules). Many times, these
rules are not explicitly expressed, and we have to grasp them by observing
how others interact. Social rules are learned throughout life, many of them
in childhood and others as we adapt to different environments.
Social roles are the typical behavior patterns of people who occupy a
certain social position: doctor, father, patient, teacher, etc. They carry a
series of rules about behavior that is considered appropriate for the person
who maintains that role and for those who interact with it.
The deficits in the perception of personal goals and purposes or of the social
rules implicit in the different situations or roles, maybe due to several
factors, such as 1) ignoring these rules; 2) not to capture certain relevant
signals, for example, the nonverbal messages of the interlocutor and, 3) the
biases and distortions in our perception of reality.
Assertiveness and Social Adequacy
The socially skilled person must be able to take into account the social rules
inherent in an environment, group or role and try not to get too out of them
if he does not want to encourage the rejection of others.
When a group observes a person whose behavior, appearance, etc., does not
take into account the "rules" of behavior shared by its members, a rejection
reaction that has been called a "foreign body phenomenon" usually occurs
because of its parallelism. with the rejection reaction that a living organism
manifests when some alien element is introduced into it, such as a
transplanted organ.
However, sometimes the "different" person does not provoke rejection and
can even inspire sympathy; for example, when it shows characteristics that
seem very desirable to others. Another important issue to relate effectively
to other people is to consider their feelings: try not to provoke negative
emotions and contribute as much as possible to experience positive
emotions. In this sense, Carnegie exposes a series of attitudes that help us to
be pleasant to others and predispose them in our favor, such as: not criticize,
do not oppose, make sincere compliments, always highlight the points of
agreement with the interlocutor, and avoid discussions.
All of the above implies:
Being able to tune into the subtle (often nonverbal) signals that indicate
what others need or want. Be aware of what they expect from us.
On many occasions, adapt our behavior to your expectations.
This proposal to seek social adequacy, that is, to know how to adapt our
behavior to what others expect of us, seems contradictory with
assertiveness. But, in reality, both attitudes complement each other.
Therefore, it is desirable to attend with a part of our mind to our interior, to
take into account what we want, think and feel, defend our rights, fight for
our goals and be true to ourselves. And, at the same time, be aware of what
other people expect from us, not to create unnecessary negative emotions
(which would lead them to reject us) and to try to encourage positive
attitudes in them that help them feel good about themselves and with us.
On many occasions, the defense of our rights or interests, being true to
ourselves, can prevail over the desire to please others. But we should
always keep in mind what others expect from us and how they can react
when we do not adapt to their expectations, so that we are not surprised by
the results and so that we can choose what behavior we want to maintain in
each situation.
That is why we think that the HH SS implies that, sometimes, we do not
manifest externally assertive: when this can bring us undesirable
consequences - for example, when we interact with a boss that we believe
that he will not accept our assertive behaviors and we do not want to lose
our employment.
The need to take into account the roles we play, the social rules and the
expectations of others, and to adapt in part to all this, reminds us of
Shakespeare's phrase: “The whole world is a stage and humans simply
actors who they come and go in different scenes, and during their lifetime,
each one represents many roles ”
But even if it is true that, on occasion, we have to be as actors, we should
remain assertive in our interior; that is to say:
May we always be the ones who choose, ultimately, our behavior (taking
into account its short- and long-term consequences)?
May we continue to firmly believe in our assertive rights and defend them
as much as possible?
May we remain true to ourselves?
That we do not confuse what we are (we believe, feel, desire, etc.) with the
“role” that we are representing in a specific situation.
Coexistence with others leads us to play different roles. And, as long as it is
not contraindicated, it is also convenient that we be assertive externally (or
observable behavior) since assertiveness is like the musculature (in the
sense that it strengthens when it is exercised and atrophied when it is not
used) and, in addition, in most situations, assertive behavior is also the most
skillful.
Therefore, we will conclude this section remembering that assertiveness
and HH are very related, since having HH SS implies being assertive, at
least internally (that is, in terms of our thoughts and feelings) and also
tending to be openly assertive provided that this is not counterproductive.
Chapter 5 - Concepts Related To
Social Skills And Assertiveness
HH SS and assertiveness are closely related to other concepts related to
them such as self-esteem, emotional intelligence, and empathy; which
constitute a kind of “different maps to describe the same territory,” as we
will see in the following sections.
Self-Esteem
Self-Esteem is a positive attitude towards oneself which consists in leading
us (that is, getting used to thinking, feeling and acting) in the healthiest
happy and self-fulfilling way that we can, taking into account the present
moment and also the future.
This includes what Ellis calls "short- and long-term hedonism"; that is, the
search for happiness and to do what we want, as long as this does not
prevent us from achieving greater satisfaction, in the medium or long term.
Self-esteem also implies:
Knowing ourselves, with our limitations or mistakes, and also with our
qualities and positive aspects. To do this, we must minimize our "blind
spots" (characteristics that we are not aware of) and distortions in our self-
image.
To accept ourselves unconditionally, regardless of our limitations or our
achievements and the acceptance or rejection that other people may give us.
This means feeling at peace with what we are, with our body, with our way
of thinking, feeling and acting, etc., even if we recognize the deficits or
negative aspects that we present in any of those areas.
Consider yourselves in a positive way, maintaining an attitude of respect
and appreciation towards yourselves. Thus, although we occasionally
"deviate" from our own objectives, goals or ideals, we will not feel guilty
about it, since we accept that we all have limitations and, in addition, many
of our "undesirable" reactions represent an attempt to achieve something
positive.
Vision of the self as potential, considering that we are much more than the
set of our behaviors and traits, because human beings - in addition to being
difficult to assess because of their enormous complexity - are constantly
changing, and we always have the option of being able to learn to direct
those changes in a desirable sense, developing our best potentials.
Attend and take care of your psychological and physical needs: our health,
well-being, and personal development (just like a good mother attend to her
child's needs).
Self-esteem is a natural trend. However, many people have to learn or
strengthen it because they were educated in such a way that they came to
consider it as something negative, which had to be avoided. For example,
self-esteem has often been confused with selfishness and selflessness or
hostility towards others.
But self-esteem is not something opposite to the ability to be sociable,
honest or supportive. On the contrary, as Fromm explains, the ability to
"love" oneself and to "love" others is complementary. Therefore, the person
who is not capable of loving himself would be unable to genuinely love
other people.
For Castañer, only who has self-esteem, who appreciates and values
himself, can relate to others on the same level, recognizing the aspects in
which others overcome him or not, but without feeling inferior or superior
to them. Self-esteem is a positive attitude towards oneself closely related to
assertiveness.
Self-Esteem and Approval Of Others
True self-esteem is unconditional, that is, independent of our achievements
or of the approval we obtain from others. But getting it is not always easy.
As Bonnet points out, as children we build the concept, we have of
ourselves based on how we think others see us.
We are reflected, as in a mirror, in what those around us show us, and we
learn to value ourselves to the extent that we feel valued by them.
Therefore, acceptance by parents or the most significant people is a
peremptory need for the child, since he needs it to build and maintain his
self-esteem.
That may continue to occur to some extent in adult life. Therefore, when we
believe, realistically or not, that others evaluate us negatively or reject us,
we tend to feel bad and get angry with them or with ourselves. The main
reason is that the disapproval of others can lead us to doubt our positive
self-image and our ability to function properly; that is, to shake our self-
esteem.
In turn, this loss of security or self-esteem can lead to great anxiety and
difficulties to develop effectively. All this can occur more frequently and
intensely in less assertive people, with self-esteem dependent on the
approval of others.
Therefore, some individuals turn the desire to be recognized by others into a
requirement, thinking and feeling that everyone - or at least certain people -
should accept them, or that they should be able to obtain their approval. The
problem of considering this desire as a requirement is that, when it is not
fulfilled, we tend to react thinking and feeling that it is something terrible
and condemning the other person or self-condemnation. The attitude of self-
condemnation is incompatible with that of self-esteem.
As Ellis points out, for an adult, believing that he needs the approval of
others at all costs is irrational since it is not a necessity but a preference.
But, in any case, being able to obtain approval, sympathy, and support from
some people is an important issue that helps us live better and facilitates
self-esteem.
As a conclusion of this section, we can consider that self-esteem and HH SS
are closely linked, since accepting and valuing oneself is a necessary
requirement to interact effectively with other people. And, at the same time,
improving HH SS and being assertive helps foster unconditional self-
esteem, independent of our achievements or the approval we get from
others.
Emotional Intelligence
Goleman has made popular the concept of emotional intelligence that
defines as the ability to understand and manage our emotions and those of
those around us, in the most convenient and satisfactory way.
He believes that emotional intelligence is based on the ability to
communicate effectively with ourselves and with others and that these skills
are not something innate but learned, so we can always improve them.
When talking about emotions, it refers to attitudes (that is, beliefs loaded
with emotions that predispose us to act in a manner consistent with them),
and automatic reactions (not voluntary or conscious) with emotional
content.
According to Goleman, people with emotional intelligence have the
following characteristics:
They understand their own and others' emotions, desires and needs, and act
wisely based on them.
They properly manage their feelings and those of others and tolerate
tensions well.
They are independent, self-confident, sociable, outgoing, cheerful and
balanced.
Their emotional life is rich and appropriate, and when they fall into an
adverse mood, they know how to get out of it easily, without getting caught
in their negative emotions.
They tend to maintain an optimistic view of things and feel comfortable
with themselves, with their peers and with the kind of life they lead.
They express their feelings properly, without surrendering to emotional
outbursts that they would later have to regret.
Goleman differentiates between intrapersonal and interpersonal emotional
intelligence. The first is very similar to self-esteem, while the second is
closely related to HH SS, as we will see in the next two sections.
Intrapersonal Emotional Intelligence
Goleman describes intrapersonal emotional intelligence in a manner similar
to what we understand by self-esteem, although focusing on feelings. He
believes that an important aspect of intrapersonal emotional intelligence is
the ability to communicate effectively with ourselves; that is, to perceive,
organize and remember our experiences, thoughts, and feelings in the ways
that are best for us.
This intrapersonal communication is essential to control our emotions,
adapt them to the moment or the situation, stop being slaves of them, and be
better able to face optimally any setback, without altering ourselves more
conveniently.
This emotional self-control does not consist in repressing emotions, but in
keeping them in balance, since each emotion has its own function and its
adaptive value, provided that it does not become excessive or does not
“overflow.”
Emotional balance is the desirable alternative to two undesirable opposing
attitudes, consisting of 1) repressing or denying our emotions - which
would make us inhibited - or, 2) letting ourselves be carried away by
emotional excesses such as a self-destructive crush or extreme anger.
The search for emotional well-being is a constant effort in the life of any
person, although many times we are not aware of it. Thus, for example,
many of the daily activities, such as watching television, going out with
friends, etc., are aimed at reducing our negative emotions and increasing
positive emotions.
Interpersonal Emotional Intelligence
Goleman believes that interpersonal emotional intelligence is the ability to
relate effectively to our emotions and those of others, in the field of
interpersonal relationships. It includes being able to:
Adequately express our emotions verbally and nonverbally, taking into
account their impact on other people's emotions.
Help others experience positive emotions and reduce the negative ones
(e.g., anger).
Get interpersonal relationships to help us achieve our goals, realize our
desires and experience as many positive emotions as possible.
Reduce the negative emotions that interpersonal conflicts can cause us.
For Goleman, a key factor in interpersonal emotional intelligence is
empathy, which he defines as the ability to understand the feelings of others
and put ourselves in the place of the other. Given its importance in the HH
SS, we dedicate the following section to it.
Empathy
Empathy is the ability to put ourselves in the place of the other person and
to consider things from their point of view, also understanding their
feelings. For Goleman, the essence of empathy is to realize what others feel
without needing to tell us. It implies being able to tune into the subtle (often
nonverbal) signals that indicate what others need or want and to express to
others that we have understood and that we are able to see things from their
point of view.
Empathic people remain attentive to the verbal and nonverbal cues of those
with whom they interact, being able to perceive not only their explicit
messages but also their desires and feelings. Thus, empathy can be
compared with a kind of radar with which we are pending to capture the
emotions, desires, and points of view of others.
The lack of empathy can impede any communication because it prevents
properly capturing the most significant messages of others, their opinions,
desires, and feelings. Therefore, it creates discomfort and emotional
distancing.
Empathy is usually related to solidarity and ethics. In this sense, the ability
to put ourselves in the place of others tends to make it easier for us to help
them when they have problems; while, on the opposite pole, psychopaths
often lack all empathy.
Individual differences in the ability to put ourselves in the place of the other
can already be observed in childhood. Research shows that children with
few HH SS when they want to participate in a game interrupted without
looking at others. Instead, the most skilled observe for a while, trying to
understand the rules of the game and to tune in with the other children, and
begin to participate in it at an opportune moment when they do not create
discomfort.
People with deficits in HH SS (e.g., those who have not acquired certain
skills because they are socially isolated) have great problems in properly
capturing and interpreting the wishes and feelings of others since they are
not accustomed to paying attention to them. automatically, as people with
HH SS do.
On the other hand, the most empathic people, that is, more able to correctly
capture the feelings and points of view of their peers, are more sociable,
have a greater emotional adjustment and are evaluated much more
positively by those with whom they interact. Empathy is also very
important to help others develop their best potential, for example in
psychotherapy or education.
To be empathic, we also have to be aware of our own emotions and know
how to manage them to prevent them from "overflowing"; since capturing
the emotions of others means being attentive and perceiving the subtle
signals they emit, and that is not possible when we are blocked by our own
emotions. In addition, deep down, people are quite similar, so knowing
oneself helps to understand others.
Therefore, those who are able to tune into their own emotional world are
better able to understand the emotional processes - often unconscious or
unconscious - that others experience.
Beliefs and Thoughts – What Hinders and What Facilitates
In this chapter, we will mention some of the beliefs, thoughts, and actions
which we encourage to facilitate social skills and assertiveness. Some of the
tips have been mentioned below:
Being Your Own Judge
Being your own judge implies:
Recognizing and exercising your right to judge, ultimately, what you are
and what you do.
Act according to what you think, not based on what others think.
Set your own rules to judge your behavior.
Assume that you can choose what you think, feel and do, and consider
yourself responsible for your own existence, taking away that responsibility
from others.
Do not let yourself impose external values that do not respect your right to
judge and choose your way of thinking, feeling and acting.
Base your scale of values on your wishes and preferences.
Free yourself from the tyranny of the debts, which make you vulnerable to
the manipulations of others.
Remember that it is usually convenient to pay attention to the opinions of
others, but that it is you who must make your decisions.
Habituate to judge your needs, set your priorities and make your own
decisions.
Learn to reject requests, when you decide, without feeling guilty. Dare to
express what you think, feel and want, without excessively fearing the
possible rejection of others.
Remember that each one is the maximum responsible for his life.
Face the possibility that some may not like your assertive behavior. Be
aware that there is no absolutely valid model of "good" or "bad" behavior,
although there are different ways of thinking, feeling and acting that
everyone can choose and that enrich or bitter our existence.
Accept that the judgments you make about yourself, other people, the world
or the future, may not seem logical or reasonable to other people, but they
may better fit your reality, your personality, or your lifestyle.
Be clear that it is about your life, so it is up to you more than anyone.
Therefore, it is better that you set your own goals, and tries to be true to
yourself, achieving them as much as possible.
Smith cites some irrational beliefs that may prevent you from exercising the
right to be your own judge, such as:
"If I cannot convince others that my desires are reasonable, it will be
because I am wrong or because my desires are not acceptable."
“You have to respect the views of others, especially if they have some kind
of authority; keep differences of opinion for oneself; listen and learn.”
“We should not be governed by our own ideas, but by some more important
and wise external norms than we; since if it was not for those social norms
about what we should or should not do, we could not live harmoniously.”
He concludes by stating that we do not need to assume those external norms
(demands or should) to relate effectively to others and that it is better to
accept that our preferences and aversions (as well as those of other people)
are sufficient justification to try to convince others, propose a negotiation,
reach agreements or request changes in behavior.
The Right To Choose Whether Or Not We Are Responsible For The
Problems Of Others
Smith believes that if we ignore our assertive right not to be responsible for
other people's problems, others can manipulate us, presenting their own
problems as if they were ours. But if we are assertive, we can choose to feel
responsible only for our own problems. For example, if a partner does not
let us focus on work or overwhelms us by telling us about their difficulties,
an assertive answer would be to ask them to tell us somewhere else, or to
recommend that they seek professional help, without feeling responsible for
them.
An irrational belief that prevents us from exercising this right is that we
should not say or do anything that could hurt other people's feelings. But,
although it is preferable not to hurt others and treat them with respect and
courtesy, it is impossible and counterproductive to claim to demand that
you never freeze anyone.
It is more desirable to think that you have the right to defend your interests
and express your feelings, even if others feel occasionally hurt. The
opposite would mean showing you false and denying the other person the
opportunity to learn.
Another example of the belief that can prevent the exercise of this right is
that we must be equally friendly to all people so that no one feels
discriminated against because of us. But it is desirable and assertive to
accept that we have the right to choose our friends or the people with whom
we interact more closely, even if this may annoy someone.
The Right To Choose If We Take Care Of Other People's Problems
This includes that we are able to put our interests before others, at least
occasionally. The most rational is to try to respect our interests and those of
others, looking for favorable solutions for both whenever possible. But,
sometimes, it is natural and reasonable to put our needs before those of
others.
The Right To Choose Whether Or Not We Want To Give Explanations
If you laugh at your own judgments and values, if you are your own judge,
you do not have to feel obligated to give explanations about your behavior
so that others decide if it is right or wrong, nor to try to convince them that
you are not wrong.
Of course, others will always have the assertive option of telling you that
they don't like what you do. In that case, you can choose to: ignore them,
seek an agreement or negotiation, or respect their preferences and
completely modify your behavior. But we must be clear that the true one
responsible for our life, our emotions and our behaviors, are each one of us.
The Right To Change Your Mind
As Smith points out, the reality is very complex: it can be seen from
different angles and many aspects of it are constantly changing. Therefore,
to be realistic and achieve a maximum of well-being, it is convenient to
accept that changing your mind is something healthy and normal.
Some irrational ideas that prevent us from exercising this right are: “Once
you have committed to something, you should not change your mind and, if
you change, you must justify yourself or acknowledge that you were in
error,” “If you turn back you show that you are an irresponsible,” “If you
change your mind, you show that you are not able to make decisions for
yourself,” etc.
But the assertive person ignores these irrationals “should” and is clear about
his right to change his mind.
The Right To Make Mistakes
If we believe, in a self-demanding way, that we should not make mistakes
(which is impossible because we all make mistakes sometimes), when we
make them, we will react thinking and feeling that we have done something
wrong, that this is terrible and that we are inept.
It will also be easy for other people to manipulate us and make us feel
guilty for being wrong about something. For example, if you make a small
mistake in your work and your partner scolds you by implying that "you
shouldn't have failed"; If you are not assertive and you let him judge your
behavior - without taking into account that it is you who should do it and
that you have the right to be wrong - it is likely that this situation creates a
lot of anxiety.
To reduce or avoid this anxiety, you could resort to less assertive strategies,
such as: denying the mistake, giving too many explanations to try to justify
it, taking away importance (which would make your partner angrier) or
feeling obligated to do something to try to “repair the error.”
But if you are assertive and, therefore, judge for yourself your own
mistakes, you will calmly recognize that it has been a failure, seeing it as
normal and without feeling guilty about it.
The Right To Say “I Don't Know”
To exercise this right is to respond calmly that we do not know something
when the occasion requires it. It also includes daring to ask what we do not
know. It is based on accepting that it is impossible to know everything and
that we do not need to have answers to all questions, to feel good and be
effective and valuable.
Smith gives the following example: If someone asks you a biased question
such as: "What do you think would happen if we all started to defend our
rights?,” and you don't know what to answer, you can return the question by
saying: "I don't know; What do you think would happen?”
The right to say "I don't know" without feeling bad about it is opposed to
irrational beliefs such as: "We must have answers to any question you ask
us" or "We must be clear (and be able to explain at any time) the
consequences that You can have our behavior in other people. ”
The Right Of Not Needing The Approval Of Others
Interpersonal relationships are very important, and it is very pleasing to
others. But trying to please everyone is impossible and even
counterproductive. Let's look at some reasons:
It is impossible to always get the approval of others. Therefore, it is better
to accept naturally that there are people who do not like us. If we give
excessive importance to getting the approval of others, we can become
anxious and servile people (since, even when we have their approval, we
would fear losing it).
If one always behaves in the way he thinks others expect him to do, he
would no longer be true to himself.
If we believe that in order to interact properly with a person, we need to
have their approval and sympathy, we put ourselves in a position to be
manipulated by them, because of our need for approval. Actually, although
we prefer it, we do not need the approval or sympathy of others to relate to
them assertively and effectively.
As Smith points out: “Many people are horrified as soon as someone
threatens to withdraw their affection or withdraws it. They are paralyzed
and fail to act for their own benefit at work, in their relationship, with their
friends, etc. But we will never be free if we are not able to risk doing what
we really want, even if that may give us the antipathy of other people.”
The Right To Make Decisions Outside Of Logic
Logic and reasoning are usually based on strong statements, in the form of
“all or nothing.” But our desires, motivations, and emotions do not usually
present themselves in such a clear way. Often, our feelings about something
or someone are mixed and confusing. We experience them in different
degrees depending on the time and place and sometimes we want different
things at the same time. Therefore, logic and reasoning are ineffective in
understanding these situations or in solving problems created by conflicting
motivations.
Despite this, many of us retain the irrational belief that "We must give good
reasons to justify our desires, feelings, and behaviors." If we believe so,
some people will use the argument that they do not seem logical, to
manipulate us and get us to do what they want.
For example: if another person tries to do something you do not want and,
instead of asking you to claim his wish, he argues that what he asks is
logical, he may be trying to manipulate you so that you do not dare to reject
his request, instead of raising a negotiation about your conflicting wishes.
Thus, you may feel guilty for wanting something "contrary to logic.”
But nevertheless; you still have the right to choose your goals and decide
what you want, even if you don't have clear and logical reasons to explain it
(since you are your own judge).
The Right Not To Understand The Expectations Of Others
Some people have the irrational idea that we should guess their needs and
expectations and try to manipulate us to do what they want, through indirect
allusions, as if they expect us to intuit their desires and submit to them;
instead of expressing them assertively to try to get them, even partially.
But being assertive requires thinking that we are not obliged to guess the
expectations of others and that, although in most situations it suits us to be
attentive and try to take them into account; it is logical and convenient for
the people involved to express their wishes.
In addition, if we accept that it is difficult to understand the expectations of
others, we will also avoid the mistakes that usually occur when we tend to
“guess” the thoughts and desires of others.
The Right Of Not Trying To Achieve Perfection
As Smith points out, some people believe that, although we are not perfect,
we should try to achieve perfection in every way possible. Therefore, they
consider that if someone tells us how we can improve, we have a duty to
follow that direction.
But we have already seen how counterproductive the "you should" are.
Also, if our expectations are realistic, we will not expect to be perfect - or
even approach it - since we humans are full of limitations. It will be enough
for us to do things in the most satisfactory way we can.
Therefore, it is better to recognize our assertive right that, on many
occasions, we are not interested in seeking perfection. This position also
frees us from the manipulations of other people, who try to do what they
want by claiming that what they propose "is better" and, therefore, "brings
us closer to perfection.” The assertive thing is that each one of us judges
and chooses his goals according to his preferences and that, if another tries
to manipulate us to get us to do what he wants, arguing that it is better, we
can think and say: "I don't care.”
To conclude this section on assertive rights, we will point out that it is
important to keep in mind that these are valid for us and for other people
(and, therefore, respect those rights in others). It is also important not to
confuse these rights with preferences or requirements (e.g., it would be a
mistake to believe that to be assertive it is preferable to make mistakes).
Assertive rights are that you dare to exercise the right to be your own judge,
to set your own goals and not to let yourself be manipulated by others. But
this does not prevent you from taking into account their opinions, give
explanations when it seems appropriate to do so, and prefer to be kind, do
things well, like others and get their approval, provided that does not
prevent you from being true to yourself.
Once exposed the main irrational beliefs that hinder SS and assertiveness,
as well as the opposing beliefs that facilitate them, in the next section we
will explain some techniques that can help you detect and change thoughts
and beliefs.
Detect And Change Thoughts
As we explain at the beginning of this chapter, for cognitive psychology the
main determinants of our emotions and behaviors are our thoughts and
beliefs. We usually acquire these thoughts involuntarily, but we can learn to
modify them voluntarily. Thus, we can choose between keeping those that
limit or harm us or replace them with others that help us better achieve our
goals.
For example, if we want to be assertive but maintain beliefs that prevent it,
we can work to identify and modify those beliefs. And as they change, the
emotions and behaviors associated with them will also change. We can
reprogram our beliefs, replacing those that harm us with more beneficial
ones.
Detect And Change Irrational Beliefs
We call irrational beliefs those that lead us to maintain counterproductive
emotions and behaviors. Although we are not aware of them, we all tend to
maintain some irrational beliefs intermingled with other rational ones. To
differentiate them, it should be taken into account that:
Rational beliefs are maintained as something probable and relative and are
expressed in the form of desires and preferences. Therefore, when we do
not get what we want, the negative feelings that are generated (sadness,
worry, disgust, etc.) are not excessive and do not prevent us from achieving
new goals and purposes.
Irrational beliefs are expressed in the form of demand or necessity (in terms
of "should,” "need,” "you have to,” etc.) and are maintained in dogmatic
and absolutist form. This implies that, when they are not met, we react with
counterproductive emotions and behaviors (excessive sadness or anger,
inhibited or aggressive behaviors, etc.). They also go against logic and
evidence (they don't fit with reality).
An important part of the learning of HH SS and assertiveness is to detect
irrational ideas that prevent us from being assertive and have HH SS and
replace them with ways of thinking that favor assertiveness and HH SS.
Ellis ABC Scheme
Ellis considers that, if we want to change attitudes, (e.g., learn to be more
assertive) we must take into account external situations and our emotions
and behaviors; but that the most relevant role is that of our thoughts. It is
based on the following scheme:
A B C
Situation or Beliefs and Emotional consequences and
experience thoughts about A behavioral
Where A represents the situation or experience that appears at first sight as
the trigger of C (emotional and behavioral consequences). Consider that,
although the A seems to cause the C, this is not usually true, since the B
(beliefs and thoughts about A) are the main determinants of the C.
Ellis considers that, in any situation or experience, we can always choose
what we think of B (that is, how we evaluate the A) and that, therefore, we
can get used to thinking always in the way that suits us. In this way, we will
influence ourselves in feeling and acting, also, in more convenient and
satisfying ways.
Make Self-Records Of Thoughts
Self-records are an effective technique to help you identify and change
irrational thoughts and beliefs that prevent you from feeling good and being
assertive. They are based on the ABC scheme that we have outlined in the
previous section.
To learn this technique, you can make a self-record for each of the
interpersonal situations in which you usually feel bad or in which you have
difficulties to behave assertively. Then, when you know how to do them,
every time you feel an emotional disturbance (e.g., excessive anger or
anxiety) or behave counterproductively (e.g., inhibited, aggressive or
unskillful), you can fill in one of those self-records with the thoughts
involved.
If you get used to doing it this way, the process of detecting and changing
counterproductive thoughts (as well as their emotional and behavioral
consequences) will become automatic, which will allow you to face
situations in which you felt bad before, feeling and acting in an assertive
way.
Self-Instructions
Self-instructions are phrases that we tell ourselves to help us think, feel and
act as we wish. They are more effective if they contain positively
formulated messages, that is, statements about what you want to achieve
(instead of focusing on what you don't want).
For example, telling yourself that you should not be anxious, focus your
attention and energy on anxiety and often increase it. On the contrary,
telling yourself that you are going to be calm usually gives better results. In
general, we should focus on thinking, feeling and acting in the way we
want; while we let the negative thoughts and emotions disappear by
themselves.
For example, you can tell yourself: "I will be calm," "If unwanted thoughts
or feelings appear; I will focus on thinking, feeling and acting in the desired
way and the others, alone, will disappear ,” etc.
Some people find it very useful to surround themselves with cards
containing positive self-instruction in the form of drawings or phrases,
placing them in visible places (mirrors, refrigerator door, etc.), or carrying
them in the diary or purse to read them often. Another way to use self-
instruction is to make a list of those that are most convincing and write
them down on a sheet to take with you and read it frequently.
Once the self-instruction sheet is made, you can record them on a cassette
to listen to them (e.g., after practicing relaxation) or to read them
repeatedly. In both cases, try to do it convincingly (as if it were an
advertising message). Practice with them until you learn them by heart,
truly believe them and get your mind to get used to thinking, automatically,
in the desired way.
You can also read or listen to them when negative thoughts or feelings
appear in your mind or when you are going to face difficult situations. It is
convenient that you modify and adapt this list of self-instructions to your
needs, adding new ideas that are more interesting or effective and
eliminating others that are no longer as useful.
Framing
Framing consists of being able to perceive any situation or experience from
different perspectives and focus on the one that is most useful to us. In this
way, we discover that many times, a seemingly adverse situation can
become something very positive. It is based on the fact that we do not
perceive things as they are, but we can consider them in very different
ways, and our way of seeing them makes us feel and act in very different
ways.
With the reframing, we can take any experience that, in principle, seems
bad or undesirable and verify that most times it can be considered an
advantage if we see it from another perspective. For example, the ugly
duckling in the story suffered because it was different from other ducks but,
seen from another context, it was more beautiful than them.
It is about finding in each experience the most useful point of view, to turn
it into something that favors us instead of harming us. It is what the phrase
expresses: “If life offers you a lemon, don't complain about its bitter taste;
make lemonade with it.”
Errors, failures, and setbacks are also an opportunity to learn, improve and
grow, as long as we get used to reframing them to face them as it suits us. A
well-known example happened at the IBM company, in the US, when one
of its executives made a mistake whereby the company lost nine million
dollars. When he was called to the president's office, he came convinced
that he was going to be fired. But the president told him that he was not
going to do such a thing because they had just invested those nine million in
his training (that is, he was convinced that he would learn very valuable
things from that error).
The meaning of any event will depend on the framing or perspective from
which we observe it. When the perspective changes, the meaning also
changes. And when the meaning changes, the emotions, and behaviors
associated with it also change.
Framing our perception of reality is similar to taking a picture: we choose
the angle, the perspective, etc., and we highlight what interests us most. The
practice of framing helps us to distance ourselves emotionally from the
experiences that are creating a negative impact on us (to be able to see
things from other perspectives). This allows us to increase our emotions and
positive behaviors and be more attractive and effective for those around us.
The framing is very useful in different areas of interpersonal
communication. For example, Beck advises therapists that, if a patient is
distrustful of the possible efficacy of the treatment, interpret that mistrust as
an intelligent and scientific position on the part of the patient, not to believe
things just because they are told but to seek tests.
Another form of reframing, which is advised to shy or insecure people, is to
consider any failure they commit as an "exercise of shame attack.”
Humor is often related to the reframing. For example, a famous writer was
reunited with his friends and received a letter containing a sheet of paper in
which one word could be read: "Jerk.” He reacted by saying: "I have
received many letters without a signature in my life, but it is the first time I
receive a signature without a letter.” In this way, thanks to his humorous
reframing, he turned a destructive and unpleasant criticism into something
fun.
Robbins advises using the framing to modify certain memories. For
example, some people, after breaking a relationship, are so traumatized that
they avoid any subsequent opportunity to establish another, and this
happens even with relationships that, while they lasted, had very positive
aspects.
He believes that the problem is that they keep a memory that magnifies the
negative (like the break) and minimizes the positive. The solution would be
to reframe the memory to store it in your memory in a more convenient way
(e.g., evoking more happy moments, what you learned with that person,
etc.). That would help them feel better and act in more positive ways (e.g.,
facilitating the start of new relationships).
Other examples of reframes are the following:
Fleming discovered penicillin because he had failed the experiment with
which he was trying to prove otherwise. But, instead of simply considering
it a failure, he looked for other possible interpretations, discovering its
usefulness (something similar has happened with many scientific
discoveries).
Edison made more than ten thousand attempts before inventing the electric
bulb. When asked how he could move on after so many failures, he replied
that he never failed, but that through each effort, he learned new ways of
how the light bulb should not be made.
If a year we have to pay the Treasury more than the previous one, instead of
feeling bad about it we can think that it is because we have more income
than in previous years. If you discover that you have failed at something,
you may think that it is very good that you have noticed it because now, you
can amend the mistake or prevent such errors in the future.
If you discover that you have a chronic illness, you can take it as an
opportunity to activate your self-esteem: since you are forced to take care of
yourself, this can serve as a stimulus to treat you better at all levels (e.g., do
not allow yourself negative emotions and seek to do, if possible, the things
you really want).
Physical pain can be seen as a signal from the body that helps us take better
care of ourselves. A broken leg can be taken as an opportunity to rest, relax,
and learn to surf the Internet, etc.
When we meet very irrational people, we can consider that their undesirable
behavior is the result of their biology, their education and, above all, their
way of perceiving things. The following story sets out an example of how
to reframe problems to turn them into opportunities:
“One day, a farmer's donkey fell into a well. The animal cried heavily for
hours, while the farmer tried to figure out what he could do. Finally, the
farmer thought that the animal was already old; the well was dry and
needed to be covered anyway, so it really wasn't worth taking out the
donkey. Then he invited his neighbors to come to help him. Everyone took
shovels and began to throw dirt to cover them well. The donkey, at the
bottom of the hole, realized what was happening and cried even more
disconsolately. But, shortly after, to everyone's surprise, he calmed down.
After a few pallets of land, the farmer finally looked at the bottom and was
surprised at what he saw: with each pallet of land, the donkey did
something surprising: he shook the earth and took a step up. While the
neighbors continued to land on top of the animal, he would shake and step
up. Soon, everyone was surprised to see how the donkey reached the mouth
of the well, passed over the edge and trotted ...”
Moral: “Let's not be like the peasants who threw pallets of land; but let's be
like the donkey, who used them to get out of the well.”
Testing The Validity Of Your Beliefs And Acting Against Your
Irrational Ideas
"Experiments" to test irrational beliefs are a very powerful method of
getting rid of them. Let's look at a couple of examples:
A retiree maintained the irrational belief that his children and grandchildren
considered him a burden and disliked his company. This led him to behave
in an inhibited and distant way when interacting with them. The experiment
(to see if his belief was real or false) was to talk to his children, offering to
take his grandchildren to school and meet more often. They accepted
happily so that their irrational thinking could not continue to be maintained
and could realize their wishes to relate more to them.
A boy held the wrong belief that he was unable to like girls because their
appearance was unpleasant. The experiment, on this occasion, was carried
out encouraging him to go to the right places and, once in them, look at the
girls who attracted him, smile at them, talk to them, etc., to
Observe the results. When he found that most girls responded positively
and that some of them liked him, he changed his belief that he was
unpleasant, and that no girl could like him.
This way of changing beliefs or attitudes is related to Ellis' proposal to:
"Act against your irrational ideas to modify them" which is a very effective
way of modifying any counterproductive habit, for example, non-assertive
attitudes.
Chapter 6 - Interpersonal
Communication and Nonverbal
Communication
Interpersonal Communication
Communication is a process that takes place between two or more people,
in which one of the participants (the sender of the message) expresses
something, through verbal or nonverbal signs, with the intention of
influencing in some way the thoughts, emotions or behavior of the person
receiving the message (the receiver or recipients).
In most interpersonal situations, communication is a reciprocal and
interactive process, in which the sender and receiver roles are exchanged. In
addition, although at one point, one assumes the role of the sender and the
other that of the receiver, both emit and receive messages simultaneously.
Thus, the listener does not stop transmitting signals (e.g., showing
expression of interest or displeasure) and who is speaking is usually waiting
to pick up the signals emitted by his interlocutor.
Difficulties Of Interpersonal Communication
People are social beings and therefore, communicating with others is
necessary to feel good and to meet many other needs. But interpersonal
communication presents a series of difficulties and limitations.
Difficulties Related To The Characteristics Of Our Perception
Many of the problems that exist in interpersonal communication are related
to the fact that the representation of the reality that each of us has, differs
from the representation of that same reality that other people have. In turn,
our differences in perceiving reality are based on the fact that we do not
grasp reality itself, but rather a simplified version of it (reality is always
more complex than the idea we have of it).
The simplification or filtering that we carry out when perceiving reality is
due, in part, to the fact that the capacity of our attention is limited so that
we can process all the information, external and internal, that could reach us
at any given time. Therefore, our mind ignores the less important
information in order to better process what seems most relevant.
As a result, our representation of reality is more limited and poorer, but
easier to handle. Our sensory organs also contribute to filtering what we
perceive. For example, our ears do not capture sound waves too low or too
high and something similar happens with vision and other senses. Finally,
our beliefs, values and previous experiences also contribute to shaping our
perception of reality.
Difficulties In Issuing Messages
Many times, we find that our messages are misunderstood. For example, we
want to make a friendly gesture and interpret it as hostile, or we want to
help someone, and it is interpreted as an intrusion. In these cases, we tend to
think that the problem of communication is that the other does not
understand us, that is, the recipient of our message. But, sometimes, the
origin of the problem will be that we have not issued the message properly.
Communication begins at the intrapersonal level: we think or feel
something, and we want to communicate it. For this we have to encode our
message, that is, translate it into verbal codes (words, phrases,) or nonverbal
codes (gestures, tone of voice,) that the recipient can recognize. But that is
not always easy.
Sometimes we are not sure what we want to communicate (e.g., when we
are unaware of our feelings or when we have conflicting wishes about
something). Other times, our message is not clear because the codes we use
lend themselves to confusion, since:
The meaning we give to a gesture (e.g., winking), a word (e.g., friendship)
or a behavior (e.g., making a gift) varies greatly depending on the context
or the nonverbal language that accompanies them.
The same message (e.g., show affection) can manifest itself with very
different verbal and nonverbal codes.
Most of the time, in addition to the explicit message, there is an implicit
message (which is the most important, because it contains the true feelings
and intentions of the sender) that is not expressed openly, and that the
interlocutor will have to deduce from context and language nonverbal of the
issuer.
Difficulties In The Perception And Interpretation Of The Messages
For the communication to take place, the recipient of the message has to
carry out the decoding of the message, which consists in perceiving the
verbal and nonverbal codes used by the sender and interpreting them
properly.
Frequently, some of the verbal or nonverbal codes used by the sender are
not picked up by the recipient of the communication; for example, because
it does not pay enough attention or because (as we indicated before) the
capacity for human attention is limited.
In general, our perception of the messages that are directed at us is quite
deficient. Some research indicates that we hear about half of what they tell
us; we listen (that is, we become aware and understand) half of what we
hear and remember half of what we hear.
Upon receiving a message, we capture only a part of what is delivered by
our interlocutor. In addition to not receiving an important part of the
messages that are sent to us, we often distort them, perceiving things that
the interlocutor has not issued.
Some distortions are favored by certain environmental factors that make
communication difficult. For example, if you are working and you have the
radio on loud and a partner wants to talk to you, you will not be able to hear
him well and it is easy for you to misunderstand his words. And if he raises
his voice to say: "Turn down the radio!” you may believe that he is angry,
even if he actually yelled at you because otherwise, you would not hear
him.
Another source of distortions is our emotional state. For example, when we
are angry with someone, we tend to perceive and remember preferably
those verbal or nonverbal messages congruent with our idea that the other is
offending, assaulting, etc. .; while we find it more difficult to perceive
messages incompatible with our feeling of anger. Sometimes, this leads us
to distort - involuntarily - our perception of reality so that it is congruent
with our mood.
Therefore, the message reconstructed by the interlocutor is often very
different from the one the sender wanted to send.
Effective Communication
Effective communication occurs when the receiver picks up the message
that the sender tries to transmit with the least possible distortions. If what
the receiver perceives is something very different from what the transmitter
intends to transmit, there is no real communication.
Therefore, when we issue a message, we have to try to express in ways that
can be understood by our interlocutor and, when we listen, we must be
attentive to what the other transmit and try to capture not only their explicit
messages but also the implicit message (the meaning of what he tells us, his
ideas and his feelings); keeping in mind the limitations of communication
and our tendency to distort it.
Your “Maps” Of Reality
As we explained before, the reality is something too broad and complex
and, to make sense of it, our mind represents it in a simplified way. The
characteristics of our nervous system and our sensory organs only allow us
to perceive a small part of reality and that part goes through other filters
formed by our experiences, values and beliefs and, even, by our language.
Thus, each person perceives "reality" differently from how others perceive
it, according to their sensory impressions, their beliefs, and their previous
personal experiences, and feel and act in line with that vision of things. Our
representations of reality are similar to maps. A map is not identical to the
territory it represents: it is a simplified or schematic image, which ignores
certain information and highlights others; highlights the aspects of reality
that interest us and ignores others. But a valid map has a structure similar to
that of the territory to which it refers and helps us to develop in it. In the
same way, our mental representations are not identical to reality, but if they
reflect it properly, they are very useful for us to develop in it.
Robbins believes that the "maps" or representations of reality that we all
have in our minds can be classified into two categories: 1) "maps" of how
things are and 2) "maps" of how we would like them to be or how we
believe that they should be (values). With these "mind maps,” we filter the
perception, understanding, and memory of any experience, and rarely
question its accuracy. Usually, we assume that the way we see things
matches how they really are (or how they should be).
Therefore, when another person maintains different points of view from
ours, we are surprised and tend to think that they are wrong. But, in reality,
each perceives reality under the bias of their previous experiences and
beliefs.
Many of the problems in interpersonal relationships are a consequence of
our mistaken belief that our perception of things is identical to reality. We
tend to forget that they are only assumptions or maps and that these maps
are different from one person to another.
Therefore, if we want to communicate effectively with others, we must
accept that we are different in our way of thinking, and always keep it in
mind when dealing with them. We will also have to get used to
understanding the point of view of our interlocutor and show him that we
are able to see things not only from our “reality maps” but also from his
“reality maps.”
Communication Components
As for the components of communication, two major sections are usually
considered: verbal and non-verbal communication. Given the enormous, not
always recognized, the importance of nonverbal communication in
interpersonal relationships, we will refer to it in the next section.
Verbal communication (speech content) will be discussed in later chapters,
which focus on conversations.
Non-Verbal Communication
Characteristics of Non-Verbal Communication
Non-Verbal Communication, also called body language, is what we carry
out through gestures, movements, looks, etc. That is any communication
that is not carried out by words. This form of communication is inevitable
when we are in the presence of other people because even if we remain
silent, we continue to send messages to others through our face and our
body.
Most authors believe that verbal language is primarily used to transmit
information, while nonverbal communication is the main means of
communicating emotions. An important part of HH SS consists of the
ability (often unconscious) to properly capture and interpret the nonverbal
cues of the people with whom we interact. For Horse, nonverbal messages
can fulfill several functions:
Replace words; for example, when a father makes a child sit still with a
menacing look.
Repeat what is being said; How to move your hand to say goodbye.
Emphasize a verbal message, especially those of an emotional type,
pausing, raising the tone of voice, etc.
Regulate the interaction; for example, when, in a conversation, one person
points to the other that it is their turn of speech, with a nod or a look.
Contradict the verbal message (e.g., show an expression of dislike while
claiming to feel good). This is usually done involuntarily, not consciously,
and can help us detect when a person is saying something they don't feel.
Express attitudes such as friendship, anger or affection, in an ambiguous
way, so that the other cannot be entirely sure of what we communicate (so,
if we wish, we can later deny that message).
In general, when we talk to someone, we accompany our verbal messages
with looks, gestures, changes in body posture, facial expressions, etc.,
which have a very important role in communication.
Most of the time, nonverbal cues do not transmit messages on their own but
instead complement speech, expressing our feelings about the verbal
messages we send or receive. For example, if someone makes a small
mistake and you say, “How awkward you are!” The message will be very
different if you say it smiling kindly or with a hostile face and tone of voice.
Some components of nonverbal language are innate, and others are learned,
especially in childhood but also throughout life, and are greatly influenced
by the customs of the groups to which we belong. As some ways of
expressing emotions vary greatly from one group to another, it is sometimes
difficult to interpret certain nonverbal cues from those who belong to very
different environments from their own.
Nonverbal communication is usually carried out in a non-conscious manner,
both by the sender and the receiver. That leads us to form opinions of others
based on their nonverbal behavior, without having a clear idea of what
bothers or pleases us about them.
Our nonverbal behaviors often provoke reciprocal nonverbal behaviors in
other people; but we usually attribute them to their circumstances or
characteristics, without realizing that we have caused them. For example, if
one day you are in a bad mood it is easier for others to also be somewhat
angry because, at least in part, your grumpy expression will tend to make it
easier for them to also show up with you.
Most of the time nonverbal communication is carried out in a non-
conscious way and our emotional state greatly influences what we
communicate with it. Therefore, to the extent that we feel good and keep
positive attitudes, it will be easier for us to transmit a more favorable
nonverbal language.
Nonverbal language is usually ambiguous and can be misunderstood.
Therefore, we must consider all the signals as a whole, take into account
their congruence with what is communicated verbally and consider the
context in which they occur. It is something similar to grammar, in which
the letters separately make no sense.
Please believe that the meaning of nonverbal messages is deduced from the
whole: from the relationship of some signals with others and with the
environment. For example, if someone is standing at the bus stop, with arms
and legs crossed and the chin low, on a cold winter day, it is most likely
cold. But if that person makes the same gestures when he is sitting in front
of you, while trying to convince him of something or sell him something,
the most correct interpretation is that he shows a negative attitude and is
defensive.
Importance Of Non-Verbal Communication
Nonverbal communication is more important than verbal communication
because according to experts, Nonverbal communication represents
approximately 80% of what we communicate. According to various
investigations, when we meet someone, the opinion we form of him is
based mainly on our perception of his nonverbal expression during the first
minutes. The impressions that we form in that first moment tend to persist.
In addition, it is common that the subsequent behavior of the other person is
not perceived and evaluated objectively, but, in a non-conscious way, we
distort it to make it fit with the first impression that we had formed of it. It
has also been proven that nonverbal messages are interpreted as more
reliable than verbal ones. Thus, if the interlocutor captures incongruity
between the verbal and the nonverbal message, he will believe more the
nonverbal.
In addition, it is important that our body language does not contradict verbal
language because, when both contradict each other, the recipient of the
message tends to interpret it as a lack of authenticity of the person issuing
the message, perceiving it as unreliable.
Components Of Non-Verbal Language
Look
The gaze, which also includes the so-called eye contact or mutual gaze, is
one of the main components of nonverbal communication.
It has been suggested that instinctive interest in eye contact is a survival aid
mechanism because children who get more eye contact from their
caregivers (that is, more attention) are more likely to be well-fed and cared
for. And, when they are somewhat older, being aware of their caregivers'
eyes helps them know if they approve or reject their behavior. That also
favors the adaptation and survival of the child.
There are many types of eye contact, from prolonged (such as lovers who
stare into each other's eyes) to short (when we look at someone who we
think does not like to be stared), passing through the intermittent (e.g.,
which we use in a conversation to see if others pay attention to us).
The look is used both to issue messages and to receive them and has a very
important role in the conversation in which it fulfills various functions, such
as:
Synchronize, accompany or confer meanings to the spoken word
Show interest or other attitudes towards the message of the interlocutor
Capture their nonverbal messages
Help to open and close the communication Regular and handle the word
shifts
Communication is most effective when the contact Eyepiece is appropriate
to the preferences of each of the participants.
Most of the time, the look is reinforcing. Therefore, if the person who
listens looks more, it usually produces more response from the speaker, and
if the speaker speaks more, it usually causes the impression that he is more
persuasive and confident. But the meaning of eye contact may differ greatly
depending on the form and context in which it is carried out. Let's look at
some examples:
Let's look more at the people we like. The extreme case is that of lovers,
who are the ones who look at each other the most.
Establishing eye contact with a person is usually a sign of involvement
while looking away usually reflects the desire to avoid contact. People who
look more are often considered more pleasant, but a look that is too fixed
and continuous can be perceived as threatening or provocative or indicate
bad education.
Looking away by looking down usually indicates shyness, nervousness or
submission. But sometimes it can mean rejection or feelings of superiority.
A subordinate usually looks more while listening to the superior, than when
it is the superior who listens to the subordinate.
If you look little at the interlocutor, it is usually perceived as disinterest,
discourtesy, lack of sincerity, lack of honesty, shyness or desire not to get
involved with the other person.
A fairly common gesture related to the gaze is that of winking, often
accompanied by tilting the head. This gesture usually indicates complicity
with the other person, but it can also mean that one should not take
seriously what is being said or simply express a friendly greeting.
Dilation And Contraction Of The Pupils
Our pupils dilate or contract according to the light that reaches them, and in
the clear eyes, they expand or contract to a greater degree.
But, in addition, when we observe something that interests us, pleases or
attracts, the pupils dilate more than would correspond to the ambient light,
while observing something we reject, they contract. These changes occur
involuntarily and without realizing it. Therefore, they can be very useful for
detecting the true feelings of our interlocutor.
Dilated pupils also make the person look more attractive and pleasant.
Thus, in an experiment, a group of men was shown photographs of a
woman with retouched pupils (enlarged or diminished), and when they
looked at the photograph with dilated pupils, it seemed more attractive and
theirs were also dilated.
The messages we emit on a non-conscious level, by dilating our pupils,
have important repercussions on our emotions and in our communication
with others. For example, a lover will feel more emotional excitement if
their partner's pupils dilate and their enthusiasm will decrease if they notice
that they contract; but it is very unlikely that you attribute your emotions to
the dilation of your partner's pupils.
The observation of pupil dilation has been used to study attitudes towards
advertising products or towards political candidates. Being a response that
is not under conscious control, it offers very reliable information about
interest, attraction, and other attitudes.
Facial Expression
The facial expression, together with the look and dilation of the pupils, is
the main signal system that shows emotions. The area around the mouth
contributes to the expression of pleasure if it is turned up, or of displeasure,
if it is down, as can be seen in these popular drawings.
In addition, the face is the part of the interlocutor's body that we watch the
most while we communicate. Therefore, it is very important to be aware of
our expression to better use it and the expression of the face of our
interlocutor to properly interpret their nonverbal messages.
Much of the information about the emotional states of others we get from
the expression on his face. For example, in it, we can capture if our
presence, our behavior or our conversation produces them pleasure, dislike,
interest, fear, etc.
The facial expression of our interlocutor also helps us know how he is
reacting to what we say. For example, your eyebrows may indicate:
disbelief, if they are completely raised; surprise, if they are half-raised;
confusion, if they are half puckered, or angry, if they are completely
puckered.
Although we can feel very diverse emotions, the most common and most
easily recognizable are: joy, sadness, fear, anger, aversion (which would
include disgust and contempt), surprise and interest. In the following table,
you can see facial expressions associated with each of them.
Joy
Smile
Sadness
If it is very intense: tears, tremor, and tendency to hide the face
Dislike - Dwarfing of the eyes, puckering of the lips, wrinkled nose, and
tilted head, as if not to see what causes us the aversion.
Anger - Fixed gaze towards what has caused it, tension, upper teeth closed
very tightly against those below. Sometimes, paleness or redness of the face
Fear - Wide eyes, open mouth, general tremor, paleness or sweating
Interest - Eyes more open than normal, mouth slightly ajar, chin resting on
one hand, head tilted looking at the subject or object that arouses interest
Many times, the facial expression is used to reinforce the verbal message.
For example, if a mother scolds her child, the expression on her face will
indicate if she is really angry.
Facial expressions are constantly changing during communication. Some
are revealed only for a moment; for example, the signs of anxiety on a face
that strives to appear serene and convey well-being. These momentary
expressions are very important since they are the most difficult to control
consciously, so they usually indicate in a more reliable way the true
emotions. For example, you can say that you are delighted to see someone
and even smile but to express your true feelings of displeasure with one of
those expressions.
The control of the expression of the face is taught to us from small as an
important part of the education for the coexistence, and the difficulty to
judge the facial expressions is, in part, because we are used to hiding the
negative emotions.
As with any aspect of body language, our facial expression should be
consistent with the other messages we are communicating. For example, if
we maintain a mocking facial expression while apologizing to someone we
have offended; we are likely to irritate him even more.
To maintain satisfactory interpersonal relationships, it is considered that the
most appropriate is to be able to express emotions, but not in excess, or in
an uncontrolled way, or being excessively transparent.
Smile
The smile is very important in communication. It can convey to others that
we are doing our best to please them, and that message usually facilitates
interpersonal relationships.
Carnegie advises using the smile to improve our relationships, but: “Not
rigidly, superficially and falsely; because other aspects of your verbal or
nonverbal language would contradict you and others would capture
incongruity and falsehood in you.” He considers that: “It must be a true
smile, a sincere smile that comes from within and expresses your joy of
being with the other person,” since: “A true smile expresses the feeling that
the other person likes you and that you feel happy to see her.”
As with other nonverbal messages, when someone smiles, it influences
others, and without even realizing it, they also tend to smile. The smile
serves to convey that one person likes another. That is why it is widely used
to initiate sexual-affective relationships.
It also facilitates communication and helps indicate the type of
communication desired. It is the most used expression to hide other
negative emotions. For example, an athlete who loses to an opponent will
try to smile to hide his frustration.
The use of the smile to hide other moods is due to its wide use in
communication (e.g., when greeting or thanking something) and also
because it is very easy to reproduce at will.
We can differentiate many types of smile. The main one is the one that
expresses a positive emotional experience, which is usually a more intense
and lasting smile than the others. But there is also the muffled smile
(concealing the positive feeling), the sad, the seductive, the mitigating
(aimed at filing the rough edges of an unpleasant or critical message), the
compliance (recognizing that something unpleasant must be accepted
without questioning), that of fear, that of disdain, etc. In certain
circumstances, a smile can also express aggression, sarcasm or other
negative feelings (e.g., if we smile at a setback of the interlocutor).
Head Movements
The position of the head and, above all, the movements of the head, can
communicate different messages. For example, keeping your head high and
slightly tilted back usually indicates a haughty or even aggressive attitude
(especially if accompanied by other gestures such as staring, grimacing of
contempt, etc.). Instead, keeping it low often expresses submission, sadness
or even depression.
One of the most used head movements in nonverbal communication is
assent. It means agreement, affirmation or approval, so it is very useful to
communicate when we are unable to do it verbally; For example, when we
speak different languages.
Head assents also play an important role in the conversation. On the part of
the listener, they can indicate agreement and interest in what the other says,
and act as a reinforcement of some verbalizations of the interlocutor, by
showing our pleasure for them, with what they encourage him to keep
talking. On the part of the speaker, the slight assent and other movements
such as tilting the head to the side, help to emphasize certain messages.
Sometimes, nodding quickly can also mean the desire to end the
conversation.
The gesture of moving the head horizontally from side to side has the
opposite meaning to the previous one, showing that we disagree with
something. Head movements are also used as a sign of greeting and
recognition. As with other aspects of body language, when we listen to
someone, we tend to imitate their head movements without realizing it.
Body Position And Orientation
The body position that we adopt in each situation depends on cultural
conventions and also on the attitudes we maintain or show towards others.
Each of us has a series of typical body positions, which often allow us to be
recognized from afar by them. Our positions can also provide information
about our mood and our way of being. For example, optimistic, confident or
dominant people tend to adopt more upright positions than depressed,
inhibited or shy people.
Positive attitudes towards others tend to be accompanied by a relaxed and
forward-looking posture, and when two people like each other, they tend to
lean towards each other. Instead, negative or hostile attitudes are often
associated with a backward posture.
Crossed arms may indicate distancing toward the other person. On the other
hand, if the arms fall relaxed to the sides of the body, it is usually
interpreted as a sign of openness, accessibility and willingness to
communicate.
Women, when sitting, tend to have their arms in an open position if they are
with someone they like. But if they keep their arms crossed over their chest,
they usually express indifference, dislike, and restlessness. People usually
imitate the body postures of others, especially when there is a good tuning.
Body posture changes can also be used to change the topic of conversation,
emphasize what we say or take and give the floor. It is considered that
people with more HH SS tend to move during the conversation to a greater
degree than those who have few HH SS, and that standing in front of the
interlocutor with an upright body position, adds more assertiveness to the
message issued.
The term body orientation refers to the degree to which the shoulders and
legs of a subject are directed towards (or deviate from) the person with
whom they are communicating. Positive attitudes towards the interlocutor
are associated with a body orientation characterized by shoulders, legs, feet
or hands directed towards him. An orientation towards another place
communicates coldness in an interpersonal encounter.
Standing, if two people speak privately or do not want to be interrupted,
they will maintain an orientation in which the two are facing each other. If
they admit the presence of other people, their orientation will vary, forming
an open angle towards third parties.
In a meeting, when a person wishes to leave, they usually turn their bodies
or feet in the direction of the exit. And when you are talking in a group,
keeping one foot in the direction of one of the people who are part of it
usually shows interest in it.
Hand Gestures
The hands are the most visible and expressive part of the body after the
face. The main function of hand gestures in interpersonal communication is
to accompany speech, emphasizing and complementing what we say. Thus,
they help to synchronize the conversation; give feedback to the interlocutor;
illustrate objects or actions that are difficult to verbalize; intensify verbal
messages or contradict those messages.
Leg And Foot Movements
In most interpersonal interactions, when we are talking to someone, our
attention is focused on their face. But the legs and feet are the areas that can
give us more authentic communication since they escape more easily to
voluntary control.
Many times, the tensions that occur in an interaction are expressed by the
movements of the feet and legs. For example, the continuous change in the
position of the legs, the tight tightening or the rhythmic oscillations up-
down of the foot usually express that the person is tense. Sometimes, it can
be interpreted as a sign that you want to leave.
Proximity Or Distance
Interpersonal space, that is, the distance we maintain when communicating
with other people, influences the quality of communication and how we feel
in it. Some individuals (or groups) need more space than others, but we also
tend to be closer to those who like us and further from those who dislike us.
Personal space has important repercussions on communication: for
example, we do not feel upset when we look at a stranger who approaches
the street while he is away; but, if it gets too close, we feel uncomfortable if
we maintain eye contact, unless we make a gesture of communication, such
as a smile or a greeting.
When we find ourselves in confined spaces, such as in an elevator or in a
crowded public transport, the decrease in the interpersonal distance usually
causes discomfort and leads us to look away towards the other side so that
there is no eye contact; not talk to others; maintain an inexpressive face;
simulate that we are reading; etc.
If the lack of personal space is very prolonged it can produce tension,
physiological overactivation, hostility, and discomfort.
Physical Contact
In our early years, touch is the main means of communication. When a
child or a newborn animal is prevented from maintaining physical contact
with other members of its species, they suffer serious psychological and
even physical damage, and may eventually die. After childhood, in our
culture, physical contact is quite restricted, except in intimate
communication.
We can distinguish several types of physical contact:
Professional: for example, a doctor examining a patient.
Social-courteous: shake hands or help someone put on their coat.
Friendly-affective: patting the back.
Intimate-loving: caress, kiss or make love.
Body contact usually indicates proximity and solidarity when used
reciprocally. But it can also express a situation of greater power in the
person who carries it out when used in only one direction.
Physical contact with people we like and following socially established
guidelines usually produces well-being and favorably predisposes towards
those who establish it. But a physical contact perceived as inappropriate can
be unpleasant and put us against whoever does it.
Personal Appearance And Physical Attractiveness
Our appearance has a very important effect on how others perceive us
globally; that is, in that they have a positive or negative image of us. The
physical attractiveness has been extensively investigated and generally
admitted including the following components: healthy and well-arranged
hair; front cleared; light eyes; thin complexion; equal teeth; symmetry in
facial features, and coincidence with fashion.
Although some of these components cannot be modified, we can improve
our image in many aspects; For example: change our hairstyle, dye our hair
or dress in different ways. We can improve our appearance by taking care of
our hairstyle.
Physical attractiveness is very important in interpersonal relationships, not
only because of what it represents in itself but also because people tend to
evaluate as more positive the personality of those, they consider more
attractive. Consequently, more favorable attitudes towards them are
maintained.
Because attractive people tend to elicit more positive assessments and
behaviors from others, they tend to be safer and more assertive. Thus,
several studies have found that more attractive women have more self-
esteem than less attractive women, although this relationship has not been
found in men.
Research shows that we tend to minimize - on a conscious level - the effect
that other people's physical attractiveness produces on us and that we tend
to underestimate the importance we attach to our own image, even if we
spend a lot of money trying to improve it. Physical attractiveness is
especially important when establishing emotional-sexual relationships,
especially in the case of women, but also in men. Beauty causes attraction
and sexual activation, although it is also true that this activation makes the
couple perceived as more beautiful and attractive.
Despite the importance of physical attractiveness, deficits in this area can
be compensated with the development of HH SS and emotional skills,
which also serve to gain respect and appreciation from other people.
In addition, people with HH SS may be perceived as more attractive. For
example, an investigation found that subjects who scored high on HH SS
were evaluated - by their acquaintances - as physically more attractive than
by those who did not know them (and therefore ignored their HH SS).
Non-Verbal Components Of Speech
They are those components that are elated to how things are said, as
opposed to what is said (or verbal communication). The most important are:
volume, tone, timbre, clarity, speed, emphasis, fluency, signals such as
"um,” "eh,” etc., pauses and hesitations.
These components can reaffirm or contradict what is said and, at times, they
can totally change the meaning of what we communicate. For example, a
simple "yes" can express various feelings such as anger, frustration,
resignation, fear, disinterest, agreement, etc.
As for the volume of speech, it should not be too high or too low. If it is too
low, it may indicate submission, fear or sadness (and result in our
interlocutor ignoring or irritating us). But speaking too loudly suggests
aggressiveness, anger, arrogance or coarseness. Changes in voice volume
can be used to emphasize certain issues and to make the conversation more
enjoyable.
As regards intonation, this serves to communicate feelings and emotions.
Thus, the phrase "I hope you call me" can express hope, anger, sarcasm,
excitement or disinterest, depending on the tone of voice used. In addition,
as we underline one word or another it can have different meanings, for
example: "I hope you call me" (I doubt you will, but I would like to), "I
hope you call me" (do not call anyone but me), etc.
The so-called speech disturbances are the excessive use of filler words
during pauses, (such as "eh" or "good"), and repetitions, stuttering, etc. If
too many occur, they can give the impression of insecurity, clumsiness,
little interest or anxiety.
Pauses and silences are a normal and desirable part of communication.
They can serve to emphasize something that has been said or to reorder
ideas before continuing to speak. But if they are excessive, they can
indicate that the speaker is nervous or lies or be interpreted as contempt or
anger.
The response latency. It is the interval of silence between the termination of
the sentence issued by an individual and the beginning of another by its
interlocutor. Too long latencies are perceived as passivity and disinterest,
while excessively short ones (as well as interruptions) are interpreted as
disrespectful or even aggressive.
Gestural Tuning
The investigation has identified a phenomenon called gestural tuning which
means that while a person speaks, their gestures and body movements are in
tune with what they express verbally and with the movements or gestures of
the interlocutor.
For example, when two friends are together, they tend to sit in the same
way, placing their arms and legs in the same position, or one is placed in
reverse as if it were an image reflected in the mirror. And, when one crosses
hands, legs or arms, the other tends to imitate it. This is called keeping
congruent figures.
Several investigations have revealed that in a conversation, when two
people use the same type of gestures and body movements or when they are
in tune, they perceive more similarities between the two and like each other
much more.
The tuning in the nonverbal language can occur through components as
diverse as volume and tone of voice; rhythm and speed of speech; pauses;
postures; the way of looking, breathing pattern; gestures and facial
expressions; hand movements and gestures; head tilt, etc. For example, the
listener can tune the movements of the interlocutor's hands with small head
movements, accompanying his breathing rhythm with the other's tone of
voice or maintaining a mirror body position.
When two people maintain a tuned body language, they are very likely to
match their thinking and feelings. Pease points out some characteristics of
this type of communication:
When two people are in tune, if one of them crosses his arms, puts a hand in
his pocket or supports the weight of his body on the other foot, the other
will tend to do same, as long as they both agree.
Tuning in a nonverbal language is especially prevalent among good friends
and among people of the same status. For example, it is very common for
two well-married spouses to walk, take a seat and move in a similar way.
People who don't know each other or who get along tend to avoid adopting
the same body position.
When we observe that our interlocutor copies our gestures or our body
position, it usually means that he is predisposed in our favor and that he
feels in tune with us. The way to tune in body language between two or
more people indicates which one leads the initiative. Tuning is very
important in interpersonal communication because it facilitates sympathy
and trust since, when we feel “in tune” with our interlocutor, we have the
feeling that he understands us and that we are similar.
This tuning of body language, like other forms of nonverbal
communication, is not usually perceived on a conscious level, although we
can learn to pay more attention and become more aware of it, as the first
step to improve it.
Chapter 7 - Conversations and
Effective Communication
Conversations and Communication
Conversations are exchanges of verbal and nonverbal messages, carried out
between two or more people, and constitute the main way of
communicating and relating to others, sharing thoughts, opinions, and
feelings.
Although almost all of us are capable of holding conversations, our ability
to develop in them can differ quite a bit: there are people with whom we
feel like talking and it is easy to communicate and others with whom the
opposite happens. Being a good conversationalist is very important, both to
initiate relationships of various kinds and to maintain them and make them
productive and satisfying.
The ability to talk and communicate with others is an antidote against social
isolation. This is important since loneliness and lack of communication
often produce negative emotions and predispose to emotional disturbances
such as anxiety or depression. Instead, the ability to communicate and feel
supported by other people improves our mood and our ability to manage
stress or overcome any adversity. Interpersonal communication also helps
us to get to know ourselves better and improve our self-esteem and our
emotional intelligence.
Non-Assertive Attitudes When Initiating, Maintaining Or Closing
Conversations
Some people tend to be inhibited: avoiding as much as possible the
beginning or maintenance of conversations, speaking little, avoiding
expressing their opinions or feelings and letting others take the initiative
always. This attitude leads them to lose many opportunities to
communicate, establish relationships and get what they want; as well as
feeling bad about themselves.
On the contrary, other people maintain “aggressive” attitudes when
communicating, since they do not respect the rules, talk too much, interrupt
others, always want to be the center of attention, and try to impose their
interests and opinions. This usually results in the rejection of others.
Inhibited or aggressive attitudes toward maintaining conversations are
usually based on irrational ideas.
Start Conversations
As Galassi points out, we have the right to try to communicate and talk with
other people when we are interested or want to. Most people like to talk to
others and, therefore, tend to respond favorably when we try to
communicate with them. But when others do not want it, the right thing is
that we recognize their right to act like this and respect it, without trying to
force them to talk or communicate with us.
In the first phase, the most important thing is the nonverbal language, both
yours and that of the other person. Before starting a conversation, it is
interesting to observe the nonverbal language of the other to deduce if he is
more or less willing to talk. It is also important to take care of your body
language: trying to show interest and pleasure; showing you friendly and
relaxed; looking; smiling and taking care of the verbal and nonverbal tuning
with your interlocutor.
We have the right to try to communicate with others when we are interested
or want to do so. The most appropriate way to start a conversation will
depend on the situation; of your goals and purposes (e.g., knowing the other
person); of the objectives and interests of your interlocutor, and of the social
rules implicit in each situation.
Usually, a greeting or introduction is made and then a comment or question
is asked about something pleasant, positive or that you think may interest
the other. Some concrete forms and examples would be:
Greet the other person by saying: “Hello! How are you? How are you? ,”
etc., or introduce yourself, saying: “Hello! My name is ... and I am ... "
(giving you some information about yourself that may interest you).
Talk about topics to break the ice: “What a bad weather today.”
Make a comment or a question about the situation in which the
conversation occurs, such as: “What a beautiful landscape you can see from
here!” Ask if you can join the activity carried out by the other or if the other
wants to join yours: "Do you want to sit with us?"
Make sincere compliments about the other or about the situation: "Your talk
has been very interesting."
Offer something: "Do you fancy a drink?"
Ask for information, help, advice or opinion: "Can you tell me the time?"
Be interested in the other one by asking a kind question: "I found your
comment very interesting, why do you think ...?"; “It seems that you are
looking for someone, can I help you?” etc.
How To Get Into An Already Started Conversation
When we want to participate in a conversation that other people are having,
it is recommended to follow the following guidelines:
Think about whether it is appropriate for you to enter the conversation,
taking into account: your objectives (e.g., if you find it necessary, desirable,
etc.), the goals or desires of others, their nonverbal language, etc.
Observe before intervening, to try to tune in to the people who are
communicating.
Wait for a break or hesitation to occur and start with a question or an
opinion on the topic being discussed.
As for nonverbal language, it is usually useful: look at the speaker; make a
hand gesture - for example, raise a hand as if asking permission to speak;
position yourself so that you are visible to the group; position your body,
arms and feet facing the speaker, or touch his arm slightly. Do not get into
the conversation by interrupting the speaker and do not try to change the
subject or express your disagreement with others too soon or too sharply.
Hold Conversations
When talking with someone, one of the main objectives is usually to make
the talk pleasant and interesting. For this, it is very important to be aware of
non-verbal language, both of our own and that of our interlocutor (to
capture how he feels and how he reacts to what we say).
Once the conversation has started, there are several ways to keep it or
expand it:
Make a comment and then ask the other person about their point of view on
that topic. For example: “I found the book quite good; What do you think?"
Listen carefully to the responses or comments of the other, capturing any
detail that can be used to continue the conversation. If you feel like talking
to you, it will surely offer you spontaneous information that helps you find
topics of common interest.
Answer the interlocutor's questions by adding some additional information.
So, if he asks you “What part of the book did you like?” Then, instead of
simply answering laconically: “The first part,” you can give a broader
explanation, such as: “The first part; because it explains it in a very
interesting and easy to understand way… ,” etc.
Also, give some personal information about what you like, dislike, etc. .;
but taking care that it is not so personal that it seems out of place.
Do not talk excessively and respect the pauses in conversations.
Many times, it is useful to take advantage of pauses to return to a previous
topic or, as a transition, to address a new topic.
Kelly considers that the main components of the ability to hold
conversations are: adequate eye contact, emotional expression (being calm,
warm, cordial, vivacious, etc.), the duration of the interventions (that is not
too short or long) , the use of pertinent questions, information about oneself
and the use of reinforcing comments (e.g., sincere praise).
Ending Conversations
Ending conversations assertively usually consists of knowing how to close
them whenever we want and doing so in a pleasant and friendly way. At this
point we can consider two problematic attitudes: 1) that of those who tend
to extend the conversation more than their interlocutor wants and, 2) that of
those who are unable to cut the other, even if they are willing to do so.
People in the first group, who extend their conversation too much, do not
usually realize that the other is upset.
To prevent this from happening, it is convenient to be very aware of the
non-verbal language of the interlocutor (signs of discomfort, looks at the
clock, grimaces, etc.) and of any comment that seems to indicate his desire
to end the conversation. In case of doubt, we can ask: "Are you in a
hurry?,” "Would you rather we speak at another time?” etc.
As for people who have difficulty cutting the conversation (when their
interlocutor insists on continuing to talk beyond what they won't), their
attitude may be due to excessive fear of disturbing the other, shyness or not
knowing how to end assertive conversations.
Being able to end (properly) a conversation when we want it is an important
skill. Otherwise, we lose the freedom to do what we really want. In
addition, we get in a bad mood and this is usually transmitted through our
nonverbal language, making it difficult for effective communication to take
place.
Assertive Ways To End Conversations
Once we have a clear goal - to end the conversation without the interlocutor
feeling annoyed - we can use some assertive way to do it, as in the
following examples:
Communicate kindly that you want to finish: “Excuse me, but I have to go.”
Summarize what we have talked about and express our desire to end the
conversation: "Well, we have agreed that ... Do you think we will call each
other as soon as we have news?"
Reinforce the other person, expressing some positive feeling towards her,
before expressing our desire to end the conversation: "Whenever I am with
you, I have a great time, but I have pending work." Use nonverbal
language: look at the clock, stand up, etc.
If the other asks if you are in a hurry, say clearly yes and sometimes list the
things you have to do.
Defer the continuation of the conversation to another time, telling you, for
example: "I'm sorry, but I have to go. Are we still talking tomorrow?"
What To Do If Your Interlocutor Refuses To End The Conversation
If your interlocutor tends to continue speaking after communicating your
desire to end the conversation, you can gradually withdraw the eye contact
and the signals that you are listening to him (e.g., stopping nod to your
words). And, when you pause your speech, take the opportunity to repeat
that you have to leave, that you will continue talking, etc.
If it takes too long to pause, you can say looking into his eyes and gently
touching his arm: "I'm sorry, but I have to go" or "Sorry to interrupt you,
but I have to finish this job," etc. In these cases, the non-verbal language is
very important, which must be firm and kind. With some people, it is
convenient that we stay to talk in their field (e.g., at home or in your office)
or in a neutral place, such as a cafeteria, because it will be easier for us to
finish and leave, than if the conversation takes place in our house or our
office.
Skills To Talk And Communicate Effectively
As we have seen in the previous chapter, a very important aspect of
interpersonal communication is nonverbal language. While keeping in mind
its importance, in this section we present a series of skills that favor the
maintenance of conversations and effective communication in them.
Ask Appropriate Questions
Asking questions properly facilitates communication. For this, the questions
must be timely and cordial; focus on issues that interest the interlocutor, and
not be excessively closed or open. In addition, care must be taken that they
do not bother the other, (e.g., because we seem to be interrogating him or
because they are too personal or difficult to answer).
The closed questions are those that seek a concrete and brief answer, such
as: “Where are you from?,” “Do you prefer to go to the cinema or go for a
walk?” etc. They are very useful for obtaining specific information but, if
used in excess, make communication difficult.
Open questions invite you to answer more broadly and freely. For example:
“What do you think about the movie?,” “What are your plans?” Etc. These
types of questions favor communication since they help the conversation
reach greater interest and depth.
The questions also serve to:
Direct the conversation towards the topics that interest you or interest you
both. For example: "What did you think of the movie?"
Change the content and topic of the conversation, such as: "By the way, do
you know anything about Juan?"
Move from one level of communication to another, for example, from one
more superficial to another more intimate, saying: "I look very serious, do
you feel good?"
Resume the conversation when an unwanted pause occurs, rescuing an issue
that we have discussed previously in the conversation or introducing
another that seems interesting to us, such as: How was your trip?
Use The Information That Others Provide Us
When our interlocutor offers us any relevant information, we should
consider it and use it in the conversation. For example, we can ask you
questions or comments about it or give you similar information about
ourselves.
Suppose you meet a partner and say: "I have not seen you for a long time"
and he replies: "I have been sick." In such a case, it is appropriate to ask
you any questions about the information you have been given. For example,
you can ask: “Are you all right?” or make a comment that gives you the
opportunity to continue talking about it, if you wish. These types of
questions or comments, made in an appropriate way, facilitate
communication.
The information offered by our interlocutor can also be transmitted through
their non-verbal language: gestures, smile, clothes, tone of voice,
appearance ... and we can also use that "information" of the other person to
ask questions or comments. For example: “I see that you are very dark,
have you been going to the beach?” etc.
When using the information provided by the other, it is important to capture
and take into account their feelings. These will be revealed mainly through
non-verbal messages, which we can also use to ask you questions, for
example: "Are you tired?"
Let Us Know (Self-Revelations)
Assertive behavior includes being able to talk about ourselves, who we are,
how we live, what we do and what we expect from life and foster that same
attitude in the people with whom we interact. Self-disclosure consists of
properly communicating information about ourselves: how we think, feel
and react; of our problems, desires and projects, or of our lifestyle.
Although human beings are much more interested in themselves than in
their peers, others also want to know about us, about our thoughts, opinions,
interests, and way of being; of our work, our hobbies and our projects. And
they also want to know what we think and feel about them.
Generally, there comes a time when it is appropriate to show what we think
and feel, at least to some degree. If we never talk about ourselves, our
interlocutors will consider us mysterious people and, after a while, they will
tend to think that we are unreliable, that we are putting barriers in
communication or that we have nothing to say and will move away from us.
If we never talk about ourselves, others will feel uncomfortable or move
away.
Self- disclosure allows communication to flow. For example, if you are in a
meeting, talking to someone you have just met and ask: "Do you live near
here?,” If you just answer "yes" or "no,” you close the communication. On
the other hand, if you respond by communicating something more about
yourself, such as: "No, I live in such a place, near ...,” that additional
information you offer (self-disclosure) facilitates communication, by
allowing your interlocutor to make you knew questions, express opinions
about what you have said, etc.
As Smith points out, self-revelations include expressing our feelings. For
example, if a friend borrows the car from us, we can resist lending it and
invent a thousand reasons to justify ourselves; but it is easier and more
convincing to recognize openly that if we lend our car to someone, we have
a bad time, which is a perfect “reason” for not doing so.
Levels Of Communication
When making ourselves known and asking questions to meet the
interlocutor, it is advisable to be cautious to avoid things due to which the
other can feel bad, have a bad image of us or even use the personal
information we give him so that it hurts us. Therefore, we usually start
talking with phrases, and then we talk about external events, after opinions
and, finally, feelings.
Let's look at an example of communication at each of those levels:
Phrases made: "Hello, how are you?"
Facts or events: "I've met some friends to go to the movies."
Opinions: "I prefer humor movies.”
Feelings: "I feel quite stressed this season and that's why I prefer to watch
funny movies.”
This progression in terms of the level of communication is usually observed
both in terms of the course followed in most conversations and in the
establishment of relationships, in which progress is also made from a more
superficial level to a deeper one. When this progression is not respected and
one of the participants exposes or collects information too personal or too
soon, the other tends to feel bad and is considered a social skills deficit.
For example, when we start a conversation with a stranger trying to make
friends with him or looking for relationships of an emotional or sexual
nature (in Spain, "flirting"), it is usually better to approach him with a
pretext, hiding our true intention, since if we are too direct, the other may
feel overwhelmed.
As mutual knowledge is produced, there is usually a relationship of greater
trust and the content of the communication can become more personal, deep
or intimate. Ideally, let them know in a reciprocal way. Show them little by
little, making it easier for the other to want to know more and to show, at
the same time, how he is. Normally people become known gradually and
symmetrically. It is rare for one of the interlocutors to be known much more
than the other.
Here, it is also important to tune into the interlocutor and not force the
advance in the communication levels more quickly than the other wants, or
without taking into account the social rules implicit in each situation or
social group.
The process of becoming known can be stimulated if we ask questions,
show interest in the answers that the other gives us and make comments,
relating what he tells us about himself with our personal information.
Another way to stimulate this process is to offer the information we want to
obtain from the other. For example, if we are interested in knowing your
name, you will most likely tell us if we tell you ours. The same tends to
happen with other personal information and even with opinions and
feelings.
Active Listening And Reformulation
Knowing how to listen is an important aspect of the ability to hold
conversations. Active listening consists of listening carefully to our
interlocutor, with appropriate body language and asking him questions and
comments that show that our interest in what counts is authentic.
Active listening is closely related to empathy. It involves trying to put
ourselves in the place of the other to understand their point of view and be
attentive to what they communicate - verbally and nonverbally - to capture
not only their explicit messages but also the implicit ones, more related to
their feelings and intentions.
It also implies curbing our tendency to talk more about the account, give
premature advice, give our opinion, make judgments about what they tell us
or try to encourage our interlocutor before they have heard enough.
One way to facilitate active listening is that while listening to the other, let
us ask ourselves: "What is it about transmitting to me?,” "How do you
feel?” etc. When we maintain that attitude, the other tends to feel that we
are good conversationalists and that it is very pleasant to talk with us.
Active listening is often combined with reformulation. The reformulation
consists in summarizing with our words, the content of the message of our
interlocutor and then, asking him to confirm if we have reflected well what
he wanted to tell us, or if we have distorted or omitted something.
It serves to help us capture the message of the other, correct any possible
distortion in our perception of it and convey that we are understanding. For
example, if a wife says to her husband: “We never go to the movies,” this
may mean that she is bored, that she wants to watch a certain movie or that
she does not feel like staying at home. If he suspects that this may be the
case, the husband may ask: Do you mean that you would like us to go out
today?
So you can check, through the wife's response, if she has captured her initial
message well or if she wanted to express something else. If your answer is
not clear, you can rephrase it again, asking again to confirm if you have
understood correctly.
The reformulation may include reflecting the feelings of the interlocutor.
For example, if the wife in the previous example shows a very irritated
nonverbal language, the reformulation of her feelings by her husband could
be: "It seems that you are not feeling well.”
Other ways of expressing the reformulation would be: "I get the impression
that ... Is that so?" Or "I will summarize what I think you said. If I have not
understood you well, I will thank you for correcting me until I can
understand you,” etc.
In the following dialogue between two friends, we can see how one of them
(friend 2) uses the reformulation to clarify what the other (friend 1) meant.
- Friend 1: I'm sick of my roommate. She makes noise at bedtime and
does not help with housework. I cannot stand it. I would kill her!
- Friend 2: You mean it makes you so furious that you would like to
kill her?
- Friend 1: No, it's not that; but I would like to lose sight of her
forever.
- Friend 2: So, what you mean is that you want her to leave without
giving her any explanation?
- Friend 1: No, that's not it, but I can't keep shutting up any longer.
To continue like this, I would prefer to change my flat.
- Friend 2: So, what you would like to do is talk seriously with her to
try to fix things, and if they don't manage to find you another home?
- Friend 1: Yes, that's exactly what I want!
Active listening with reformulation facilitates communication because:
The recipient of the message receives it and understands with the minimum
possible distortions because instead of assuming that his first interpretation
is valid and responding according to it, he takes into account our tendency
to distort and is willing to correct any misperception. The sender listens and
analyzes the reformulation of his message made by his interlocutor and
corrects it if it does not match what he meant.
It indicates interest and acceptance towards the other person, so it helps to
improve their self-esteem.
It encourages and maintains the conversation because by showing interest
and empathy towards what the interlocutor says, he tends to broaden his
comments, feel comfortable and communicate more sincerely and deeply.
It makes us more pleasant and reinforcing for the other, which will have an
impact on improving the interpersonal relationship.
It can also be useful to encourage active listening and reformulation in our
interlocutor. One way to do this is through our example (given the tendency
we have to tune in). On some occasions (e.g., when we believe it is very
important that the other person correctly understands what we have said) we
can ask him directly, saying something similar to: “I would be grateful if
you would tell me what you have understood from what I have told you.”
According to Garner, active listening with reformulation is especially useful
when: 1) you are not sure you understand what the other person wants to
tell you; 2) the communication carries a strong emotional load or, 3) the
message is very important for you or your interlocutor.
Make And Receive Compliments
Make Sincere Compliments
Praise is the expression of a positive thought or feeling towards another
person. Many times, they contain the recognition that the other has a trait or
quality that we like. They can refer to their behavior (e.g., "you are a very
good friend"), their appearance (e.g., "that haircut fits you very well") or
something that belongs to you (e.g., " I really like your house”).
Praise is very important in interpersonal relationships because, by
highlighting the positive aspects of the other person, they help you improve
your self-esteem, which is the main need of any human being.
Helping to satisfy this important motivation makes the person who is
accustomed to making sincere compliments more attractive and that others
are predisposed to please them as much as possible. There are many other
reasons why it is important to praise and express appreciation when the
behavior of the other person justifies it. Among them, we can point out the
following:
We all like to hear sincere positive expressions about us.
Expressing what we like about the other improves and strengthens
interpersonal relationships.
If a person usually receives praise, they are less likely to feel rejected by the
other when a conflict or discrepancy arises.
When we have to express some negative feeling or defend our legitimate
rights before another person, confrontations or misunderstandings are less
likely if we have previously expressed feelings of pleasure and sincere and
frequent praise towards the other, since a positive climate will have been
created. If a person experiences positive feeling towards someone, he has
the right to express it, regardless of whether or not that person shares that
point of view.
For Garner, praise is more effective if the following requirements are met:
Take care that they are liked by the one to whom we address it.
Try to make them seem sincere (it is not enough that they are).
Take care that our nonverbal language is congruent with verbal.
Accompany praise with other positive attitudes that show interest and
respect.
Express opinions and personal feelings, such as "I like ...,” "I feel very good
when you do ...” etc., more than doing global assessments, such as: "You
are excellent."
Specify what you like about each other. For example, instead of: "You are
very kind," say, "I thank you for listening and encouraging me."
Praise other people that we know will transmit them to the interested party.
Transmit something positive to the other that a third person has said about
him. Try not to appear false and interested; For example, do not do them
when we are asking for a favor.
If the other has a hard time accepting them, make it easier by adding a
question. That way you won't be forced to respond to the praise if you don't
want to. If you say: “I love your haircut; Has your usual hairdresser cut it
off?” He can bypass the compliment and focus on the question about who
cut it.
Accept Praise Assertively
Accept naturally the praise that others make us is also a part of HH SS and
assertiveness. When we get used to praising and showing appreciation to
the people around us, better relationships are usually established and others
also tend to give us more praise, which is beneficial for everyone. In order
for others to feel good in praising us and continuing to do them, it is
convenient that we get used to listening to them with pleasure, without
ignoring or denying them and without being uncomfortable when we
receive them.
To respond to the compliments assertively, Garner offers the following tips:
When they praise you, the most appropriate answer is to show some
appreciation, thank them, smile, etc.
If they ask you next to a question, it will be enough for you to thank and
focus on answering the question. For example, if they tell you: “How good
this work has been: did it cost you a lot to prepare it?” You can answer: “I'm
glad you like it; I had to consult several books.”
If the praise is direct and does not go along with any questions, the right
thing is that you look into the eyes, smile, say thank you and, sometimes,
say how you feel when you receive it. For example: "I'm glad you
appreciate it because I've tried hard to do it.”
Try not to devalue or deny the praise because the other could feel rejected.
Even if you disagree, it should be recognized that the other person can see it
that way. If you do not agree with the praise received, you can kindly
respond: "Thank you, you see that you look at me with good eyes,” or
another similar expression.
As Smith points out, the root of assertiveness is “being your own judge,”
that is, evaluating yourself according to your own frame of reference, not
based on what other people think of you. If you are clear, the praise (or
criticism) of others will not be too important, since your self-esteem will be
unconditional and your self-image will depend on your own positive,
flexible and realistic evaluation, and will not suffer the fluctuations of the
changing opinion of the people around you.
Agree As Much As Possible (Do Not Argue Or Take The Opposite)
Some people consider any exchange of opinions or different ideas as a
battle in which one loses or wins, thinking that one is absolutely right and
the other is totally wrong. But it is an irrational attitude since most issues
can be viewed differently, from different points of view, and it is better to
accept the other's right to see things as he sees them.
On the other hand, when we tend to disagree too much with others, they
often feel that we do not understand them or that we think they are wrong.
That can produce negative emotions and can even perceive it as an attack
on their self-esteem, so it predisposes them against us. Therefore, it is better
that, if someone makes a statement that in our judgment is wrong, if we
wish to communicate it, let us do it cautiously by telling him, for example:
"I see it differently, but maybe I am wrong.”
Robbins points out that some common words such as the word “but” -
that can cause negative reactions in our interlocutor. For example, when you
explain something to another person and she responds: "What you say is
true, but ...,” the message that comes to you is that that person tells you that
it is not true what you have explained or that, in everything case, it is
irrelevant.
Therefore, it is advisable to avoid, whenever possible, the word "but,” using
instead more neutral or conciliatory ones that do not show opposition to the
message of the interlocutor. Some examples would be: “What you say is
true and now, if you allow me, I will explain my way of seeing it”; "I think
your opinion is very interesting and, from my point of view ...,” "I think
you're right and ..." Another option is to use the word "but,” taking care that
the tone of voice and the whole of our message is empathetic and kind.
If, when communicating with someone, we tell you that we disagree with
him, it is quite likely that he feels upset and predisposes against us. On the
other hand, if we say something similar to: “Your opinion seems very
interesting in such aspects and I would like you to hear how I see it and tell
me what you think,” we can talk about our point of view, even if it differs
from yours, without counteracting or causing negative reactions.
It is about agreeing, if possible, with the content of the other's
communication. But, above all, to show respect and understanding. This
way you will feel respected even if we express a different point of view
from yours because we will not be contrary. For this, we must not lie since
we can always understand the opinion of the other - even if we do not share
it - and we can respect it since, if we were in its place and saw things as he
sees them, we would think the same way.
In addition, we can almost always find something to respect, appreciate or
admit in the opinions expressed by others, even if we disagree with them. It
is not about denying our views but expressing them in a more flexible,
conciliatory, intelligent and effective way.
Thus we can exchange different opinions without getting to argue or get
angry; we will get used to respecting and appreciating the point of view of
others, instead of tending to disqualify it and our interlocutor will not be
able to argue or bother with us because “we will not allow it” (as the saying
goes: “If one does not want to, they don't fight”).
Exercises To Improve Self-Esteem
Positive Self-Image
Everyone comments on three things they like about themselves
(appearance, way of being or behaving, etc.). If any participant is unable to
express themselves, the coordinator asks others to point out things of that
person that they find positive or pleasant.
The Tree Of Your Self-Esteem
Distribute a folio to each assistant and ask each one to draw a tree that will
represent their self-esteem. It has to include a series of roots, which will
indicate their skills or qualities (e.g., tenacity, intelligence, sympathy, etc.),
and some branches, which will symbolize their achievements (e.g., learn to
drive, reconcile with someone, get a degree, get a job, etc.).
It is not about indicating skills and achievements that others consider
important, but those that are important to oneself, even if they are not
important to others.
People, Places, And Activities That Make You Feel Good
Distribute a blank sheet to each attendee and fold it so that it is divided into
three spaces or squares of equal size. In the heading of each box put, in the
first: people who make me feel good; in the second: places that make me
feel good and, in the third: activities that make me feel good.
Reflect for a few minutes, write it down and expose it later. Each of the
participants will comment if they think they tend to take good care of
themselves, trying to enjoy them as much as possible or if they should do it
more frequently.
In the second case, you are encouraged to draw up a plan to actively seek
and enjoy the people, places, and situations that make you feel good.
Conclusion
Thank you for making it through to the end of How To Talk To Anyone, let’s
hope it was informative and able to provide you with all of the tools you
need to achieve your goals whatever they may be.
Finally, to be a good conversationalist and communicate effectively with
others, it is important to keep in mind some messages that favor or hinder
communication. As regards the factors that favor communication, Carnegie
and Strayhorn highlight the following:
Be good listeners, encouraging the other to talk about himself.
Authentic interest in him and talk about what interests him.
Make the other one feel important and do it sincerely.
Always speak with respect and with a positive attitude towards
ourselves and others.
Highlight the points on which we agree.
Try to see things from the point of view of the other (in addition to
seeing them from ours).
Show sympathy for the ideas and wishes of the interlocutor.
Use phrases that express desires and preferences, rather than
demands. For example: "I would like to ..."
Being able to communicate at different levels, talking about external
events and opinions, desires or feelings. Ask the other opinion.
Take care of nonverbal language. For example, tune in to the
nonverbal language of the interlocutor or maintain adequate eye
contact.
Making statements like "you are good,” "you have done something
good" or "that something of yours is good.”
Transmit verbal and nonverbal messages of acceptance of himself
and the interlocutor, admitting mistakes that may be made.
Ask open questions that invite the speaker to speak. For example:
"How are you doing?"
Also, use direct questions that ask for specific information when we
want to obtain specific information.
Ensure that our communication is clear and orderly.
As for the messages that hinder and avoid communication, Carnegie and
Strayhorn point out the following:
Criticize, reproach or defend against criticism by counterattacking. Interrupt
the speaker or make too extensive statements. Show yourself hostile or
aggressive. Some examples would be: making hurtful comments, or using
sarcasm, saying, "Your screams don't bother me, they're like music."
Giving orders or making statements like "you should,” "you shouldn't"
(e.g., say, "you shouldn't be upset,” when it would be preferable to say, "I
worry when I see you upset").
Overgeneralizations, like: "You're always yelling at me," instead of "It
bothers me that you yelled at me."
Ignore the messages of the caller. For example: change the conversation
when the other shows signs of wanting to continue or keep talking when the
other shows that you want to end.
Apologize or unnecessarily self-incriminate. This makes it easier for the
other person to lose respect.
Guess the thought or speak for the other; trying to say what he thinks or
feels when he can speak.
Give premature advice without encouraging our interlocutor to talk about
the subject in question, examine it, etc. This prevents the dialogue from
continuing and, often, we are mistaken for not having enough information.
Finally, if you found this book useful in any way, a review on Amazon is
always appreciated!
Effective Communication
Introduction
Congratulations on downloading Effective Communication: Communication
Skills Training. A Guide to Effective Communication Skills for Couples,
with Friends, in the Workplace and Improve the Nonviolent
Communication, and thank you for doing so. I hope that this book will bring
transformation into your life by turning you into an effective communicator
who can express himself or herself effectively, and understand other people
by the same measure.
There are many resources on the internet and bookshelves all over the
world, but rarely do you have in your hands a knowledge resource as
comprehensive as this book. The author has put in much effort to explain
effective communication, starting with how communication affects the
mental health of the speaker, and on to how it influences the wellness of the
listeners. Communication is pointless if the people you speak to cannot
grasp the weight and intention behind your words. If when you say one
thing, others understand it the other way, it had been better if you didn’t
speak at all.
This book is prepared specially to help you master not only the basics but
the advanced techniques of communication. In this day, when
modernization has turned us into a picky lot, you cannot afford to waste
your chances when it comes to holding proper communication with those
around you, from the people at work to the family, the friends and the
customers with whom you interact. As such, the author has brought together
ideas and techniques to boost your communication so you can come off as a
good listener, respectful, tolerant, empathetic, understanding, and a caring
person in your conversations.
To that end, the following chapters will define effective communication and
the techniques you can take up to develop it. You will also learn of the
errors to avoid when communicating with th0se around you. You will also
discover the role of empathy in communication, and learn how you can
develop it so that you become a more understanding communicator. The art
of persuasion is also comprehensively covered as a useful communication
tool to help you win over people to your side during communication. Many
other topics and practical examples of effective communication provided;
you can be confident that this book will turn you into an effective
communicator, both in listening and in speaking.
There are plenty of books on this subject on the market, thanks again for
choosing this one! Every effort was made to ensure it is full of as much
useful information as possible, please enjoy!
Chapter 1: Mental Health and
Communication
Having good relationships with people helps to reduce fear, anxiety, and
stress in your life. For this reason, social support, a product of excellent
communication, is linked to mental health. It is thought that having good
friends is a buffer against a low mood, loneliness, and anxiety feelings. The
ability to communicate well gives you the ability to express exactly how
you feel while being respectful of other people’s needs. It helps if others do
the same for you. Unfortunately, no one is born with the ability to
communicate correctly; we all got to learn.
In this chapter, you will learn the importance of speaking your mind and
changing it when necessary. You will also learn how to communicate
effectively, having taken note of barriers to effective communication, and
the techniques you can take up to improve your communication.
How to Act on Our Mind and How to Change It for Communication
It is always better when people speak their minds, rather than masking what
lays underneath to fit into the fabric of society. If people did not do this, we
would not enjoy the benefits of independence, feminism, and various other
revolutions that have been a result of brave men and women who refused to
fit into the status quo and speak up for themselves and others. The result
was a transformative change that has made our lives easier and better.
When it comes to conversation and dealing with other people, you should
express precisely what is in your mind because it speaks about who you are,
what you believe, and where you stand. This way, you will not be
misperceived, and you will not misunderstand others when they speak to
you. Therefore, if you are against something, such as being a racist,
xenophobic, colorist, homophobic or a religious extremist, let people know
so that they can decide early on if they want to interact with you or not. The
reality is that no one can force you into taking up a different position, you
are entitled to your own opinions, so long as you remain mature in your
handling of that information.
Now, maturity is the ability to speak, think, and act your feelings, inside the
boundaries of dignity. The measure of maturity is your attitude towards
others who have differing opinions and stands. This is not to mean that you
cannot change anyone’s mind by expressing your beliefs; maturity calls for
you to express or act out your ideas in a manner that is respectful of other
people, however frustrating their points of view are.
Therefore, when you want to speak out your mind, do the following:
Be Calm And Collected
Ease your nerves and steady yourself when you begin to speak. Breathe
slowly, relax, and allow your thoughts to settle. Take out all negative
thoughts and doubts. Be in control of your emotions and words. Don’t be
overly emotional, even if you are passionate about the topic under
discussion.
Let The Tone Of Your Voice Be Assertive
Let your voice be clear, loud, firm, and self-assured. Don’t mumble or
speak too fast. Avoid being overbearing and let your behavior also allow
others to see that you are worth listening to.
Have Confidence
It is impossible to sell others on what you are saying if you do not appear to
believe in what you are saying. Remind yourself that you are a unique
individual and your ideas, thoughts, and values are unique too.
Do Not Fear Ridicule And Confrontation
You are entitled to an opinion, so long as it’s an educated one. Some people
are convinced about something, but their conviction is wrong. Ensure that
what you stand by is factual, and cannot be challenged. Once you have done
that, now don’t worry about pleasing others. Do not fear other people’s
judgment, and don’t fear expressing or living out your beliefs because of
others. Indeed, not everyone will agree to or be interested in what you are
saying, but don’t let others discourage you from doing what is right.
Know When To Speak Up
Wisdom is the proper application of knowledge. Be wise. Know when and
where to speak. Always gauge a conversation, and if it can benefit from
your participation, go ahead and jump in. Take the opportunity to impart
some of your wise ideas to others and be receptive to learn from what is
being said. When expressing opinionated sentiments, begin your statements
with “It’s my opinion that …” or “I believe that…” Be particularly cautious
of your presentation in discussions that could quickly brew conflicts such as
those on religion, sexuality, politics, and other ethical issues.
Be careful though that fearing to speak up could be misinterpreted as
indifference or permissiveness. If you agree to something, say so, and when
if you are opposed to something, speak up too. Be outspoken in
objectionable conversations, and don’t leave your body language to do the
work. For example, a scornful glance is not as impactful as a statement like,
“Why do you assume that it is okay to treat somebody in that manner?”
Have it in your mind that things will remain the same if you do not speak
up and point out the wrong and wickedness surrounding them.
You Can Change Your Mind
It is okay to change your mind. It is a sign that you are accepting of the fact
that you are evolving as the circumstances around you change. In our
randomly changing world, nothing is static; every decision or latest
discovery seems to be questionable. Things around you change in a
heartbeat, and you too have the right to change your mind without the risk
of being thought to be a flip-flopper or a weak-minded person. Successful
people make it a habit to keep thinking and revisiting issues and decisions
they have made, even when the case is closed. Nothing on the face of the
earth is written in stone.
It is easy to change your mind about small everyday issues and to think
nothing of it. However, more significant issues can present a challenge.
People are afraid to lose in a discussion and be perceived as weak-minded
or lacking in confidence. For this reason, some people stress themselves
trying to stick to their firm decisions, and when facts are staring at you, and
not one supports the position you are taking, insisting on your misinformed
position is an embarrassing position to take.
The emphasis, however, should not be in whether you change your mind or
not, it should be on the reason you changed your mind, and the effect that
your new position will have on other people. Only change your mind when
you are deeply convicted and have reasoned adequately to see where you
should stand when the facts are presented. Sometimes, the reality may bot
support an idea you have held for some time, and when you see that, it
makes sense to shift your plans.
What is Effective Communication?
Communication is the act of conveying information from one individual or
group to another, using words or some mutually understood symbols and
signs. Communication is only valid when the message is successfully
conveyed, received, and understood. This is to mean that communication is
only useful if both the message sender and the receiver can assign the same
meanings from the message sent.
To communicate effectively, you need not just dwell on the words you say;
you must also take up several other skills such as the ability to express
yourself assertively, body language, ability to convey emotions and to
understand those conveyed, as well as engaged listening. The result is that
people deepen the relationships and connections they have with other
people, and improve various skills like decision-making, teamwork, and
problem-solving. Since effective communication is a skill people learn,
individuals can get better at it if they put in some extra efforts and practice
what they learn by engaging in more meaningful conversations.
Developing the Skills of Effective Communication
Become An Active Listener
Whenever people think about communication, many turn their attention to
the words that will come from their mouths. We begin to worry about what
we will say, how it will be received, and the effect it shall have on the
receivers. However, the reality of effective communication is that it is more
about listening than it is about talking. Listening is the ability not only to
hear the words that the speaker is using but also to understand the emotions
the speaker is trying to convey.
The definition above creates a significant separation between hearing and
listening engagingly. Whenever you truly listen, you become engaged with
what the other party is saying, and you even begin to hear all the subtle
intonations in the other party’s voice letting you know how the other party
is feeling and the emotions the individual is trying to convey. Paying this
close attention lets you in on what is going on inside the other party, and if
you respond appropriately, the other party feels understood and heard, and
the connection between the parties will be deeper and stronger.
Once the communication is effective, your stress levels will begin to come
down. Suppose the person you are listening to is calm, actively listening to
him will calm you down because all your senses will be connected to his,
and you will begin to catch his drift. In the same way, if the individual is
angry, but you are calm, you can help restore calmness in him by listening
to him attentively so that the person feels heard and understood.
To listen actively, you do not have to struggle or feign concern because
once you make up your mind to connect with this person and to understand
all that he has to say, engaged listening comes naturally. Here are a few tips
to ease the process of becoming an active listener:
Listen with your right ear: Funny as it sounds, listening with your
right ear increases your reception and understanding. This is because
the right ear is connected to the left side of your brain, and it is the
side that processes emotions and promotes speech comprehension.
Therefore, if you listen more with your right ear, you will catch all
the emotional nuances of the speech, and you will understand better.
Have an interest in what is being said: Maintain an open, inviting
posture, nod at what you hear, and smile occasionally. Encourage the
speaker with some ‘uh-huh,’ ‘mmh’ and ‘yes.’
Give feedback: Right in the conversation, let the person know that
you have so far understood what he is saying. If you haven’t, ask for
clarification. You do not have to repeat what the person said word-
for-word, you could say, “What I hear you say is …” You could also
let the speaker know what the words he has spoken so far mean to
you.
Avoid interrupting the conversation, or turning it around to yourself:
Needless to say, it is selfish to turn back a conversation to yourself.
Yes, you will have a chance to talk, but allow them to speak and
express themselves, without thinking about yourself.
Ensure that your focus is only on the speaker: do not keep glancing
on your phone, on hangings on the wall or people passing by. Stay
focused and pick up all the emotional nuances the person is
expressing.
Take Note Of All Nonverbal Cues
Your facial expressions, movement, and general reaction to what they are
saying tell loads, even more than your words can express. A person will
watch for your eye contact, gestures, voice intonation, breathing, and
muscle tension to see how you receive the information being given to you.
Some of the expressions that will convey interest in what is being said
include sitting at the edge of your seat, uncrossed arms, maintaining an
open stance when you stand, patting your friend on the back, or pounding
your fists.
In conversations, ensure that you use nonverbal signals that go with the
words you are speaking, take in all signals, beware that people react
differently, and ensure that you keep off negative body language. Use
positive body language even when you are not feeling as such.
Be Assertive
Assertive people speak clearly and directly. They express their feelings,
thoughts, and needs honestly and openly, with respect for themselves and
others, not allowing the truth to be swept down. They are not aggressive,
demanding, or hostile though. They only seek to express clearly what they
feel and to understand other people well, without making an effort to win
arguments or force their opinions on others.
To become a more assertive person, learn to value yourself and your
opinions because they are as important as those of other people you
consider important. This means that you also ought to learn how to say ‘no’
to things that are beyond your limits, not taking other people to take
advantage of you. Take any feedback given positively by accepting the
lessons you get from failures, and accepting compliments graciously. When
you need help, do not hesitate to ask for it. Have a clear picture of what you
need and want, and ensure that your needs do not infringe on the rights of
others. Lastly, whenever you have negative thoughts about anything,
positively express them, and be respectful.
Let Your Stress Levels Remain Low
It is difficult to think of an amicable solution when temperatures are raging
high and negative remarks are flying hither and hither. When parties are
trying to pin each other to the ground, it is impossible to agree on anything.
However, if you decide to keep the stress at bay and return to a calm state,
you will not only save yourself from doing things that you might regret, you
will also help to calm the other party. You will be able to decipher the
situation well to see whether it demands a response, or whether it would be
wiser to remain silent.
To stay calm, use some stalling tactics so that you give yourself some time
to think. For example, you could ask the other party to repeat his question,
or you could seek clarification of a statement before you respond. During
this time, try to collect your thoughts so that you are not rushing to respond.
When you indeed respond, ensure that your words are spoken clearly, in an
even tone, and maintaining eye contact. Your body language should be open
and relaxed. Ensure that you include a statement that summarizes your
response, and once this is done, stop talking. Even if the result is total
silence, let it remain quiet rather than filling the air with angry words.
Barriers to Effective Communication
Many errors could cause communication to fail. These are the
communication barriers, and they occur at any stage of the communication
chain, distorting the message sent, and leading to a waste of time and
money. The result is misunderstanding and confusion. They include:
Irrelevance of the message to the listener
Use of jargon such as slang, or technical, complicated terms
Differences of opinion and perception
Language differences and unfamiliar accents
Prejudices and expectations that lead to stereotyping and false
assumptions
Differences in culture
Barriers to non-verbal communication, such as the inability to see
posture, gestures, non-verbal cues, and other general body language
cues. This makes communication through text messages, phone
calls, emails, and others like them less effective compared to one-
on-one conversations.
Physical disabilities such as speech and hearing difficulties
Lack of interest and attention
Distractions
Emotional taboos towards topics like sex and sexuality, racism,
religion, politics, and politics
Bureaucracy and rigid organizational structures
Attitude problems
Lack of common knowledge or experience
Ambiguity, assumptions and jumping into conclusions
Information overload (too much information can be overwhelming
and challenging to process, distracting the recipients from the
subject matter.)
How to Develop Effective Communication: Techniques and Secrets
Once you learn how to communicate effectively, you will start to get more
of what you want out of life. This will not only encourage people to listen
to you, but it will also allow you to build stronger relationships with others.
Here are some useful communication secrets and techniques to help you
become an effective communicator.
1. Listening Skills
This is the most critical skill when it comes to communication. You must
first listen and understand what is being spoken about before you respond.
If you listen keenly, you will be able to decipher the other party’s
capabilities, intention, and motivations. When you do that, you can frame
your responses expertly.
2. Taking a Logical and Organized Approach
Communication that is to be understood needs to be expressed in an
organized manner that allows the listeners to see the logic in the words
expressed. While there are many ways to do this, the most basic of the
methods is by conducting adequate preparation. Preparation is done by
sticking to the same point or subject and exhausting on that particular point
before you can move on to another point or topic.
3. Clarity
The essence of effective communication is to ensure that everything spoken
is transparent so that the opinion, remark, or subject being discussed is
clear, and nothing is left to assumption. The primary cause behind
miscommunications and misunderstandings is the lack of clarity. When it
comes to oral communication, words must be pronounced appropriately and
articulated to ensure that it meets the standards acceptable, so that the
communication is clear, and understood.
4. Brevity
Ensuring that what you say is clear needs you to use the least amount of
words; the ones that carry meaning and pass along the message. Using too
many descriptive words and long sentences will only blur the conversation
and complicate the issues you are discussing.
5. Feedback
Effective communication is not just about the communication source; it also
is about the recipient receiving the message in an intended manner. The
feedback given allows you to gauge whether the message was understood in
a planned manner. You could get the feedback from reading into the
person’s body language and visual cues, and asking the recipient to give a
response or ask a question. When they do this, you can correct any
misconceptions or reinforce the message you gave further.
6. Mirror the Other Party
Great communication requires that you meet the other party at his or her
level in terms of the tone used, body language, and the energy levels. This
is done by subtly matching the other party’s body language, way of
speaking, mood, facial expressions, and energy levels. Doing this allows
you to have an evenly matched conversation. Mirroring helps to ease
arguments during heated discussions when the flared up party calms down
to the level of the calm party.
7. Learn the Power of Silence
We all find silence between us and others quite uncomfortable, and people
are continually working to break the ice. There are constant Google
searches as people look up techniques and strategies for initiating a
conversation with others. This is because silence is incredibly powerful.
Crafty communicators use silence to force their counterparts to speak when
they feel that the other party is holding back. When they keep quiet, they
force the other party to pick up the conversation thread, forcing them to
give up information they did not intend to give up.
To become an excellent communicator, learn to take a pause, and resist the
temptation to answer. Instead, use the silence to encourage the other party
to speak and to expand on their response.
8. Always Communicate With Enthusiasm
Joy and happiness are contagious, and they can be used to make
communication more effective. They make the conversation more
interesting, engaging, and influential. People respond positively to
enthusiastic speakers, and they reject the ideas of speakers that lack
enthusiasm.
Chapter 2: Examples of Effective
Communication
We are constantly communicating, through various platforms, every
moment of our lives, in multiple forms, expressions, channels, and gestures.
We do it as a way to express ourselves. Unfortunately, however, while we
may do it all the time, much of the communication we do is not conscious.
Sometimes, we communicate without clear awareness, which leads to
misleading or conflicting expressions of who we are. However, if you can
learn to be aware of the signals you are sending out, you can correctly align
the messages you are sending to reflect the emotions you intend to indicate.
Here are the different kinds of communication:
1. Formal Communication
This kind is also called official communication, and it covers all
expressions and words that express formal issues and needs. It must follow
a particular communication protocol and a pre-determined channel. Even
when the communication is done orally, there often is documentation to act
as evidence of the conversations that took place. Formal communication is
often perceived as reliable.
To excel in formal communication, take up the following tips:
Start by clarifying the reason behind your conversation.
Whether oral or written, ensure that you follow a well-defined
structure that your audience will easily understand.
Ensure that your tone is open, friendly and professional.
Re-iterate the agenda for the conversation either through a call-for-
action or clarifying your position on the issue.
Always thank your audience for giving you their ear.
2. Informal Communication
Informal communication is the unofficial yet provocative information. It is
often given by word-of-mouth. It is free-flowing and lacks any formal
structure or protocol, making it less accurate and less reliable. It does not
have any accompanying documentation to serve as evidence and uses a
channel that allows it to spread like wildfire. For this reason, many people
term communication given this way as ‘gossip.’
Despite being seen in a negative light, informal communication surprisingly
plays a significant role in our society; it shapes public opinion.
3. Face-To-Face Oral Communication
This is the most common and most recognized communication type. In this
arrangement, your words, and how you say them, directly express what you
feel on the inside. Oral communication can be either formal or informal. It
is the preferred communication when talking with friends and family, and in
various professional forums at the workplace.
Face-to-face communication is the most powerful communication type, and
it can work either for or against you. It is a vibrantly alive communication
method because despite the rehearsals you have made before you speak,
everything you speak is what your brain is processing moment by moment.
It is the reason you find that you had planned to say one thing, and in the
middle of a conversation, something else slipped.
Oral communication has the advantage of engaging the audience better than
other forms of communication. The listener speaks back to you and offers
direct, unscripted feedback, which enables efficient two-way
communication better than other communication channels.
Some people are afraid, and their minds go blank when they start talking,
especially when talking to an authority figure. They begin to mumble and
speak things that do not necessarily make sense. Fortunately, oral
communication does get better with time.
How to improve face-to-face communication:
Ensure that your eyes meet with those of your audience, ensuring
that they ooze openness, conviction, and confidence.
Practice perfecting your expressions and tone in front of a mirror,
ensuring that they perfectly match the message you intend to
convey. More often, your tone and expressions will express more
than your words do.
Engage the participation of your audience and avoid making your
communication a monologue. Ask them questions, seek their
opinion, and encourage them to build on the ideas you have
expressed.
Think about how your audience will perceive the message you are
passing, with the expressions you are giving, and see whether you
would be convinced if you were a part of them. If you wouldn’t,
practice some more.
Become a more engaged listener. Oral communication is not just
about the words you give; it is also about listening to others speak
and giving feedback.
Example:
Suppose I need my wife to help me locate an item that is supposedly stored
in the garage. I will begin by asking whether she has the time to help me
with something or not. If she is available, right now or in a while, I will
explain what I am looking for when I need it, and why I presented the
request to her. It could be that she arranged the garage last, and would have
a better knowledge of the where the item is. Once we have resolved to
proceed to the garage to look for the item, we should give a call of action
such as, “Let’s split and check inside the boxes. We might find it.”
In your conversations, beware of the influence of the word ‘but.’ That word
is a roadblock. It shuts down the conversation by creating an impression
that one person’s ideas are superior to the others’. On the other hand, ‘yes’
affirms and upraises.
If a colleague or an employee insists that he wants to work less and the
company cannot handle that at the moment, do not say, “But you cannot;
the company cannot handle it at the moment.” Instead, say, “Yes, I hear that
you want to work less, and I don’t think the company can release its much-
needed labor presently due to the heavy workload.” When you respond in
the affirmative, you affirm the individual and open up the conversation for
discussion.
4. Distant Oral Communication
Distance oral communication has been made possible by technology
expansions, making the world a more accessible and smaller space. People
now communicate using mobile phones, video-conferencing, and others.
For this communication type, your pace of delivery and tone take
precedence over other expressions.
For effective oral distance communication, give precedence to the
following:
Make your speech slower than it would be in a face-to-face
conversation. This will make you more aware of any subtle nuances
in your tone, and give the receiver enough time to receive and grasp
what you are saying
If the situation allows it, wear a friendly face, smile, and let your
eyes twinkle. Ensure your tone conveys your receptivity and
openness to the other party.
Re-iterate what you hear when you listen to ensure that you do not
miss any words, and so that the other party can confirm his or her
utterance.
Prioritize listening over talking because when you all speak at the
same time, the entire conversation will be undermined.
Where possible, back up your oral communication with writing.
This will confirm what you are taking away from the conversation,
and will ensure that all parties are on the same page in regards to the
conversation and the call-for-action
Distant oral communication also applies to when you address an audience
or a meeting. Let’s see an example:
Suppose your boss puts you in charge of informing your team that they will
have to take up additional work, in addition to the tasks your team is
handling, how would you break this news to them? The best way is to put a
positive ring to it. Doing this will ensure that the team is receptive, the news
is well received, and that proper action follows up.
One manager might say, “Sorry folks! I have some terrible news for you!
The boss says that from today henceforth, we may have to handle some
extra tasks, and he says that he doesn’t expect any grumbling from you.”
An announcement like that will be met with lots of grumbling and
opposition, and, likely, the extra tasks will not be received warmly.
On the other hand, if the manager goes to the team and announces, “Good
morning, colleagues! I have some good news for from the management.
You have done such a good job that our company now has the pleasure of
handling some additional projects. The management is confident that only
this team can carry the new responsibility and carry the project through
successfully. We are up for the challenge, aren’t we?” Certainly, the team
members will be pleased with the recognition and will be willing to take up
the challenge and prove themselves again.
Whenever you talk to your employees or a team you are managing, avoid
starting your statements with phrases like “I want,” “I think we should,” or
“I need,” because statements like these send the message that it is all you,
and not about the team and their contributions or their perspectives. Instead,
use inclusive pronouns like ‘we’ because they foster an environment of
teamwork and exhorting each other.
5. Written Communication
Written communication is now engrossed in our everyday communication,
from text messages sent, emails, social media updates, blogs, and others. It
has far surpassed verbal communication in all social spheres. To be
excellent at it, do the following:
Have a clear communication structure so that your communication is not all
over the place. The general structure includes an introduction, body, and
conclusion.
Ensure that the context of your communication is clear to avoid people
getting the wrong message.
Keep the communication clean, both in the formal and informal context.
6. Non-Verbal Communication Types
This is a subtle yet exceedingly powerful communication method. This
method includes a wide array of physical signals, gestures, postures,
speaking pace, attitude, and tone. We have mentioned how these non-verbal
cues influence your communication, giving more information than the
words convey. Therefore, it is worthwhile to take some time to work on
your basic body language gestures in front of a mirror so that you do not
send mixed messages with your speech and gestures. Turn them around so
that they support the words you say, and make your message more
meaningful.
However, there will be times when your body language should imply the
complete contrast of how you feel inside. For example, if you feel shaken
and afraid when speaking in front of an audience, let your body language
communicate confidence. For instance, during an interview, you might
internally feel scared and threatened, but the trick is to maintain a friendly
posture and to ensure that your facial expressions go along with that.
Even in this communication facet, ensure that you give precedence to
listening more than speaking or gesturing.
Chapter 3: The Role of Empathy in
Communication
What Is Empathy?
Empathy is the ability to see the situation, or the rest of the world, through
another person's eyes. It means that you understand precisely what the
individual is feeling and you see why someone acted in a particular way
because you see sense in it. Once you do this, you can communicate your
ideas to others in a way that makes sense to them, and you begin to
understand others when they speak with you. This causes empathy one of
the great foundational blocks for building great communication and social
interaction.
In Harper Lee’s novel, To Kill a Mockingbird, Atticus Finch says, “You
never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of
view… until you climb into his skin and walk around in it.” To be
empathetic, you have to fully put yourself in the other person’s shoes, and
even getting into the individual’s skin, so you can fully understand them.
Empathy in Communication
The role of empathy in communication is to enable you to present your
ideas in a form that the other party can understand, and in turn, the other
party must listen to you, to know how you have received his message.
Therefore, whenever you speak, tap into the other party’s interests by
ensuring that you present your ideas to others in a form that highlights these
benefits. You will only do this when you have been able to understand the
people’s expectations and needs, and from there, you can phrase your ideas
along with those terms, to communicate with the individuals effectively.
Know that some words appeal to the needs, emotions, and desires of the
people better than others, but others appeal to fact and reason. The words of
logic and emotion are the ones you use to paint a picture of the ideas you
carry. With empathy, you must first recognize the needs of others and learn
to express your ideas, using words that create a mental picture that speaks
into the needs, emotions, and desires.
Remember to use the communication style that is familiar and most
comfortable to the listening party. Ensure that your listener understands and
accepts your message without needing to ‘translate’ it. If you notice that
your communication styles are different from those of the other party,
capitalize on the strengths in those differences.
Learn How to Be Empathetic
To some, empathy comes easily, but to others, empathy must be learned. It
may be difficult to commit yourself to another emotionally, or you may find
it entirely impossible to do. However, this does not mean that you will not
learn eventually. Understand that you must first lay down your viewpoint,
and begin to see things from the other party’s perspective. When you have
done this, take up the following techniques to develop empathy:
1. Give The Situation Your Complete Attention
When someone is talking to you, listen to him or her carefully. Use all your
senses (ears, eyes, smell, touch, etc.) and intuition to understand what the
other party is saying. Watch for some keywords and phrases, especially the
ones the individual uses repeatedly, and think about how or what is being
said. How is the tone? How is his or her body language? How open and
sincere is the person? Is he or she scared, angry, happy or ashamed?
When listening empathetically, avoid questioning what is being said and
asking direct questions. If there are facts to be disputed, don’t raise the
disputes at this early stage. Be flexible, and expect that the conversation
could go another way, as easily as the other individual’s feelings and
thoughts are changing.
2. Take In The Other Party’s Perspective
It is said that before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in his or
her shoes. Therefore, to practice empathy, check your attitude, and let your
mind remain open. Set your beliefs and assumptions aside because if you
carry these with you, you leave little if any, space for empathy.
To be empathetic, try to see what others see because that is what has framed
their minds as they are. This does not necessitate that you shift your
thinking and agree with them; you only have to acknowledge their point of
view, show respect, and continue listening to what is being said. If the
situation or circumstances are still unclear, invite the other party to provide
a more explicit description of themselves and their unique situation.
Questions are not arrogant or rude; it is the only direct way to seek credible
information that will help you understand the other party better.
3. Spring To Action
Once you have all the information and can relate with the individual, you
have to do something that will demonstrate your empathy and compassion.
Fortunately, there is no right way to do this; it all depends on you, the
individual, the situation, and the emotion dominating at the time.
Remember that an empathetic person does not act on his or her desires and
wants, but only considers what the other person wants or needs. Therefore,
the action you take must directly benefit the other party.
Let’s say, for example, that your classmate is unwell and unable to attend
classes, the kind thing to do is to allow him or her to borrow your notes and
to inform them of any upcoming assignments, quizzes, or exams. Let him or
her know that you are available to explain any intricate concepts from the
notes. It could be that having the class notes will help him or her feel like
part of the class still, and he won’t have missed much.
The alternative would be to keep taking notes and then handing them all to
your classmate when he resumes classes. He could be feeling so much pain,
fatigue, and experiencing other illness symptoms that would make it hard
for him to keep up with schoolwork. In this case, instead of forcing your
will on him, asking him to copy or photocopy the notes, you could allow
him to be, until when he is ready to resume school.
Let the other party choose what to do; only provide options and ask which
choice is more preferred.
Remember that empathy, unlike sympathy, is not just useful for sad
situations; it is also good to see the world from someone’s lens of positivity.
Empathy is a great ability, and it can be used in all kinds of situations. Use
it to do different random acts, and you will help to brighten days for people
around you. It could be as simple as smiling and making an effort to
remember someone’s names; it could be giving all your attention when
people make presentations, offering constructive feedback or showing
interest or concern for another person’s life.
If you choose to be empathetic, everywhere you go, and in all you do,
taking an interest in who others are, what they do, their feelings and
experiences, you will develop a reputation for being trustworthy, caring,
approachable, and a great asset to the team and the organization.
4. Developing The Ability To Listen To Empathy
While empathy is the ability to step into the shoes of another to know what
he or she is feeling, empathetic listening is about truly understanding what
the person speaking to you is saying. Empathetic listening is way deeper,
beyond merely listening where the person needs to take a listening posture,
not occasionally, and produce sounds like ‘hmm’ and ‘yeah’ to show that he
or she is paying attention. Empathetic listening goes way beyond that,
beyond merely hearing, to understanding what the other party wants to say.
An empathetic listener looks out for the emotional undertone of the
conversation. Once he understands this, he will be able to enjoy much more
contact with the other party. The parties involved do not have to agree or
carry the same opinion, because it is quite possible to understand where
each party is coming from, and why the other party is holding a different
view from yours, without having to cross over to their line of thinking.
Empathetic listening is not complicated, but it demands a unique approach.
The first thing is to ensure that the room in which the specific conversation
is taking place is comfortable and pleasant to be in. Keep off all potential
disruptions like ringing phones, sounds of people walking around, and other
irritating noises. As the listener, you must also have cleared your mind, and
to do it in advance, so that when the other party arrives, you will be
physically, mentally and emotionally ready to receive them.
Once the other party is comfortable, ensure that all your attention is on
them. Look at the other party in the eyes, and start with some general
questions that can set the mood of your conversation. Create a rapport,
before you delve into the more severe issues.
The best way to start the conversation is by asking questions. The questions
should be open-ended and neutral. Typically, people judge and criticize
others, and this forms the basis of their questions. However, as an
empathetic listener, avoid doing this as much as possible, and avoid passing
judgment. Let the individual speaking have the feeling of not just being
understood; he must also feel safe and think of you, the listener, as a
reliable person.
As long as the person is speaking, it's best that you focus on what they are
saying, and not allow yourself to be distracted by other things. One
common pitfall happens when the listener begins to share his opinion or
giving advice. Do not start doing this; give the individual ample time to tell
his story and speak his mind. If you start giving your opinion and advice,
the person may become resistant, and you could stop the spontaneous flow
of information from him. Therefore, ensure that you do not stray from the
initial goal of the conversation.
As you listen to what the other party is saying, summarize what is being
said in your mind, and paraphrase it to show the other party that you have
heard what he or she has been saying. Paraphrasing takes out all the
keywords and key points to ensure that you have taken up all the
information that matters and that you can accurately portray what is being
spoken of. These summaries, through the paraphrasing, also allow you to
get a clearer picture of what the other person is speaking. From there, you
can also ask specific questions to follow-up on the topic.
Ensure that you also acknowledge the emotions that flare up during your
conversation, reading from the person’s tone and other body language
signals. You could say statements like, “As you were still speaking to me
about this, I could still see how upset the issue causes you to be,” or “I can
see how this affects you.”
If there are silent moments in the conversations, don’t take them as
awkward; they are functional moments that allow the information you have
to sink in and nudge the speaker to speak more, perhaps to clear up on a
point he just spoke about. The result is that there is a better understanding
of the issues, and the person will feel heard.
Empathetic listening is advantageous in that besides the fact that it boosts
the quality of the relationship between persons conversing, and also
positively affects their cooperation. The trust and respect between these
parties also increase, making them more helpful and loyal to each other.
Empathetic listening also helps people to be more compassionate to each
other and to more tolerating of each others opinions. The result is that they
become more patient with one another, and they create an atmosphere that
allows the people to speak their minds bluntly, without sugarcoating or
hiding the truth or reality of the situation.
Empathetic listening can be practiced at all times, and in all kinds of
forums. In a board meeting or a group discussion, empathetic listening
ensures that each members ideas and viewpoints are heard, so that each
member feels valued and important. A human resource manager conducting
a performance appraisal will do well to ask the employee to list his major
motivators and the things that bother him. Understanding motivations allow
the manager to see how he can align the employees' roles at work so that
they align with the organization’s goals, allowing the employee to enjoy
what he is doing while directly contributing to the success of the
organization.
Using Empathy in Conversations
i. Empathetic Listening in Relationships
For any relationship to work and to last, it needs the essential component:
empathetic listening. Empathy towards another person makes your
relationship with them more open, fulfilling and satisfying, for you and
your partner. It is incredibly important to have someone listen to you with
an open mind, without anyone interrupting, criticizing or offering
unsolicited advice. An attitude like this will solidify any kind of
relationship, whether between a mother and a child, for couples, between
siblings, or friends, and in any other association between people.
Many times, people who relate with each other end up having problems,
and those in romantic relationships split because they have developed
communication issues. These issues manifest as contempt, criticisms, or
stonewalling, but it all stems from a lack of empathy.
The reality is that all persons love to be heard and understood. When that
does not happen, the person starts feeling lonely and abandoned. They
begin suffering internally and even start distancing themselves from those
around them. Relationship experts say that empathetic listening paves the
way for affectionate communication, an essential aspect of any relationship.
ii. Empathetic Listening at the Workplace
Empathetic listening is not only good for helping you advance your
romantic and social life, but it is also good for your workplace and career
building. At your place of work, empathetic listening allows you to
cultivate fruitful partnerships with others, from colleagues, customers,
suppliers, investors, and other stakeholders. The working relationships built
out of empathy break down the formal barriers of the formal environment,
and appeal to people to use their ‘soft sides’ as they deal with each other.
The result is that people are more tolerating, considerate, open to help, and
encouraging of each other.
In fact, empathetic listening is very important in roles such as research and
sales, to the point that there now are scales and tools to measure it. The
Active Empathetic Listening (AEL), for example, evaluates how well a
person can zero-in on the emotions he has, process them and come up with
an appropriate response. The AEL operates in three dimensions: processing,
sensing and responding.
That said, a person who intends to become a better worker, coworker,
manager or boss should endeavor to make empathetic listening to one of his
sharpest skills. Just because you are working in a formal environment does
not mean that you have to keep your relationship and conversations formal.
Formal conversations do not create a trust or breed a friendly working
environment since everything is about rules, regulations, and protocol.
However, once you begin to appeal to emotions, even regarding official
issues, you will be taking the right steps towards building a productive
relationship.
As such, empathetic listening can be the foundation for setting up and
directing you towards incredible business opportunities, which will directly
contribute to a prosperous and happy life.
Example of an Empathetic Conversation
Since empathy and empathetic listening is all about practice, let’s see a brief
example of how it is done, so you can apply the same style in your
conversations.
Jeremy: Hey, buddy, what’s new in your life?
Alex: Nothing much, buddy. (shrugs shoulders)
Jeremy: You seem a bit off, though. Is anything the matter? (after noticing
that Alex seems indifferent and withdrawn, Jeremy inserts a question to dig
deeper)
Alex: Only some minor issues at my place of work. My boss and I are not
getting along; but with time, things will be ironed out.
Jeremy: Would you like to tell me about it? I am here to listen to you. I
could be of help in some way.
Alex: Alright, the thing is, my boss doesn’t seem to understand me, and he
never has. All he cares about lately is that we meet impossible targets,
without concern for how they are reached.
Jeremy: I am sorry to hear that you have been having problems at work. If I
may ask, which kinds of targets has he been imposing, and what prompted
the change?
Alex: You see, the company landed on some huge deals, and my team was
given the privilege of handling one of the most massive production orders
in the company. We welcomed the opportunity but asked the management
that we will be adding some more personnel to be able to reach our
production quotas in time.
Jeremy: Ooh, I see. You head a team at your workplace and have been
asked to meet impossible production targets without any assistance, right?
Alex: Right. Nothing changed in terms of resource availability, no
additional machines, and no additional workers, but the company expects
our output to be twice as much as we did before. My team members are
frustrated, their motivation has gone down, and a number are threatening to
quit.
Jeremy: Am so sorry about that. It is sad to have to deal with an impossible
workload, with the threat of losing some members of your team hanging
over your head. Have you spoken to your boss about the conditions at work
and the effect it is having on the team?
Alex: Yes, I did initially, but he no longer is willing to listen. All he wants
to hear about is whether we have met the targets.
Jeremy: Well, that’s quite unfair and inconsiderate of him. Perhaps you
could voice your concerns to a higher authority, your boss’s boss, for
example?
Alex: Yeah, I have thought about it, some team members suggested that we
do that too, but I am still on the fence on the issue.
Jeremy: Since you and your team love your jobs, owing to your incredible
performance, you need not change the attitude you have just because of
some hurdles. Speak to a higher authority and voice out your issues, am
sure they will listen to your grievances. Perhaps you could also inform your
boss about the move you intend to make and see what his reaction will be.
He might even decide to provide the help you need without having to
consult a different authority figure.
Alex: That is an excellent idea. I will inform my boss of our intention to air
our issues to a higher authority, and if he still does nothing about the
problem, we will proceed to present our concerns to a higher power. Thank
you, Jeremy. I now know how to resolve this issue for my team and me. I
loved our talk; it was beneficial. Thank you.
Jeremy: You are welcome, I am glad to have talked over the issue with you.
Best of luck.
Chapter 4: The Art of Persuasion
By definition, persuasion is the act of making an effort to convince
someone to do something or change their beliefs in favor of some that you
think are worthwhile. Empathy cannot lead you to persuasion because it
causes you to see that the other person is right in his own right. However, if
you fully understand where a person is coming from, you can strategize and
come up with a way to persuade him or her to change his or her mind. This
is why persuasion is said to be an art.
You see, art is any activity that a person uses to express the emotions buried
inside. It conveys complex messages that words wouldn’t carry. It, however,
can be intellectually challenging, complex, and coherent. That said, the
product of your art must be an original piece. It, therefore, demands a great
deal of skill and patience.
The art of persuasion does not check all boxes in the definition of art
because people take various approaches to persuasion. Some will persuade
without even showing an ounce of emotion while others are all about the
emotional appeal. In addition, you cannot talk of persuasion as an art in the
sense that other art forms like music and paintings are. It is also easy to
persuade without intending to be unique in any way. However, persuasion
does indeed contain other qualities that qualify it to be an art: it is complex,
intellectually challenging, it conveys a complex message, it can be quite
original, and it highlights your point of view.
You may wonder what the point of persuading is. Why should you waste
your precious time and energy persuading others? Isn’t it also a form of
manipulation? The truth is that you need to learn how to persuade others to
achieve any success in life. Every seller has had to persuade a customer to
buy his or her products. Every teacher has had to persuade parents that he
can do a good job. Every married person has had to persuade his or her
partner to marry him or her. Every employee has had to persuade the
employer to hire him. Every successful politician has had to persuade voters
to vote for him.
As you can see, almost every success in life demands that you convince
others that you have the capacity to fit and fulfill the mandates of the
position you intend to fill. Persuasion seems to run in the bedrock of every
human endeavor.
The Basics of Persuasion
The following are the principles of persuasion. govern the ability to
convince people to share your ideologies and points of view:
1. Scarcity
People are more drawn to people, products, or opportunities that are
exclusive or limited in edition. When people perceive an impending
shortage, they tend to demand scarce resources, and if they can be bought,
they buy them in excess.
Companies take advantage of this tendency and suggest shortages in their
supply (only five pieces remaining), limiting the time an offer is available
(available for three days only), or suggesting scarcity in the frequency with
which an offer is made (annual sale). Customers, driven by the fear of
missing out, respond by making purchases, most of which are unplanned
and impulsive.
In life, everything is measured by its relative value. If someone thinks
something is valuable, I will be driven to accord the same value to the item.
We often want to own things because others have them. As such, if you
want something to be considered valuable, you must make it scarce, and
that includes yourself too. In communication, if you want people to value
your words, talk less.
2. Reciprocity
Whenever you do good to someone, there is a natural nagging and drive to
reciprocate the gesture. This behavior is ingrained in human DNA so that
we can help each other survive. Interestingly, you also could tip the
reciprocity scale to favor you disproportionately by giving some small
gestures that show your consideration to others, and when you ask for some
help or a favor, the others will happily offer it.
3. Authority
It is impossible to persuade anyone to do something when you do not
appear to have expertise or knowledge in that field. No one wants to be led
to the shaky ground of trial and error. A persuader must radiate special
skills and expertise. Experts are more likely to be trusted. They radiate
authority in their fields. Therefore, when you intend to persuade a person to
take a particular stand, ensure that your knowledge and familiarity with that
subject or field is beyond reproach. When you do this, you will build your
reputation as an expert or personality in that particular field.
4. Liking
One of the impossible tasks is to convince an enemy to do anything. It is an
exercise in futility. No one trusts or likes dealing with someone they
consider unpleasant. What if you are dealing with strangers, how do you get
them to like you? It’s very simple. You only need to appear open, kind,
attentive, sympathetic, and empathetic. Also, let people know that they are
highly regarded and appreciated. Appreciation is demonstrated through acts
such as giving presents, inviting the people to special events, offering
‘inside’ information, and by making regular phone calls. People also
appreciate feeling that you understand them and their interests. If you have
the chance, give valuable ideas or suggestions, and you will have them
eating from the palm of your hand.
5. Consistency and Commitment
Consistency assures a person that he or she will get the results he or she
expects or got in a previous similar engagement. Before people commit
themselves to you, they want to see signs that you are committed too, and
consistent in your giving results. The best thing is to give these signs of
commitment and consistency step by step, and the other party will slowly
buy into your ideas.
For example, when dealing with a customer that wants to buy a dress, create
the consistency that convinces the customer that you are best suited to sell
the dress. You could say, “Yes, we have the dress in red, yes we have a
changing room where you can try on your dress, yes, we can also deliver
the dress to you, yes, we have an in-house seamstress who will make your
preferred alterations for free, yes, you can carry your dress home today.”
Ensure that all the customers concerns can be addressed, and when you are
done, the customer will have no choice but to stick with you.
Suppose a friend or coworker calls asking if he or she can come over to
share some personal information, show that you are committed to listening
to what the friend has to say, and to doing all you can to help. Say, “Yes, I
am available to speak to you now (or in a little while), I promise that our
conversation will be confidential, you are free to speak to me about
anything, I will help you as much as I can, you have my complete
attention.” When you say this, the individual will likely feel safe and will
want to speak about the issue of concern. After the conversation, assure the
individual that you will be available to talk when called upon to do so.
6. Social Proof and Consensus
People are the ultimate advertising tools; when someone thinks of you or
the items you are selling to be good, be sure that he or she will make that
known to other people the person comes into contact with. What’s more,
human beings tend to be more convincing than other ad methods. For
example, a customer is more likely to read customer reviews and to believe
them, over and above ads on various media platforms. Therefore, as you
market yourself and your products or services, always refer to those who
would have something positive to say, such as references in your resume or
happy customer reviews. Their opinions will be more convincing than
anything you would say to market yourself.
Learn How to Persuade People
Having understood what persuasion is and the principles that govern it, let’s
now see how to go about it. The first thing you ought to keep in mind is that
you can persuade anyone, naturally, without even trying much. The
following steps and techniques will teach you how to influence, from a
marketing and a personal perspective, but these techniques are viable in any
interpersonal engagement you are involved in, from making new friends,
convincing an employer to hire you, networking, and relating with friends.
They include:
1. Take Up Mirroring To Help Create A Subconscious Agreement
With The Other Party
Mirroring is presumed to be one of the easiest and quickest ways to create
accord between two parties. It refers to the acts of copying someone’s
volume, speed of speech, tone and body language in a bid to reflect that
person’s behavior to him or her, just like a mirror would reflect.
Research shows that mirroring a person’s behavior produces more
considerable social influence over the person being mimicked. The study
found that individuals who mirrored had more success persuading the other
party, and were regarded with more positivity than those who did not
mirror.
The reason mirroring works so well is because behaving like the other
person is behaving tends to put the individual at ease, which increases the
possibilities of building a rapport with them. It breaks through any form of
subconscious resistance the person may have and encourages the individual
to trust you.
Typically, people mirror others subconsciously, but when you are learning
how to do it for persuasion, you must do it consciously, until when it comes
to you on autopilot so that it now is a natural part of your interactions. The
easiest way to start is to try to match the other party’s conversation tempo
and stance. However, you do not just jump into it immediately. One cardinal
rule of thumb is to wait it out, about 5 to 10 seconds before you start
mirroring the other party’s stance so that your attempts are not too
noticeable. Remember that your mission here is to gain trust, not to arouse
suspicion.
Be careful that mirroring sometimes backfires, especially when you mirror
negativity such as raising your voice when another raises his or taking up
negative postures like crossing your legs or your arms. Turning your body
away from the individual also communicates negativity. Be careful not to
do any of them.
2. Be Surrounded by Other Influential Persons
The law of averages states that the result of any particular situation is the
average of all possible outcomes. Jim Rohn brought a new perspective to
this law saying that a person is the average of five people he or she hands
out with most of the time. He said this in reference to the fact that while we
interact with hundreds or thousands of people in daily life, only a few of
those have an impact on us. Their influence is very significant, to the point
that they influence how we speak, how we think, how we talk, and how we
react to situations, among others.
Whenever you keep the company of people you aspire to be like, you will
naturally begin to emulate them, and will eventually have risen to their
level. Therefore, when you want to learn how to persuade and influence
other people, you have to keep the company of some influential people so
that you be in a position to absorb their mannerisms, reasoning, general
outlook on life and their knowledge because these are the factors that have
contributed towards their success.
We all have the privilege of choosing our friends, the people we spend our
time with, and it is better that you select people that are going to make you
a better person, and make it easier for you to reach the goals you intend to
achieve in life, one of which is to become an influential person.
3. Encourage the Other Party To Talk About Himself
People like speaking their minds. Science confirms that about 30 t0 40
percent of the words we speak are solely about ourselves. We love
expressing our viewpoints, talking about our experiences, achievements,
and others. Some are even comfortable talking about the struggles they are
going through because it gives them some form of relief and eases the stress
in their minds. When scientists studied the brain as people spoke about
themselves, and scans showed some activity in parts of the brain that are
primarily linked to value and motivation. It is this same brain area that is
linked with a person talking about himself, and other thrills such as drug
use, sex, and money.
Therefore, whenever you meet someone new, once of the ways to establish
rapport is to encourage them to do an activity that will make them feel good
about themselves, such as talking about themselves. Start with some small
talk, then proceed with some meaningful questions. As the person speaks,
keenly listen to the answer given, and where possible turn the answer
around into a follow-up question to let the speaker know that you are
enjoying their talk. This encouragement causes the other party to go deeper
and reveal information he or she did not intend to give.
As the individual continues speaking, you will have a broader look into who
they are, what they believe, and you will also figure out the areas of
common ground so that it becomes easier to make a personal connection
with them. The more you listen, the higher chance you stand to influence
the person.
4. Take Advantage of the Pauses and Moments of Silence
As we mentioned before, silence is uncomfortable for many people. It
makes them feel prompted to speak to fill it. An influential person must be
fully aware of the effect that silence has on people, and use it to his or her
advantage. Use silence to make the other party disclose some more
information, give clues, or even make a mistake that could be to your
advantage.
On the other hand, when you indicate that you are not afraid of silence so
that you are unhurried and more deliberate in your speech and your actions,
you elicit a feeling of confidence and control. Therefore, even in
uncomfortable situations, be patient in your discourse, and you will appear
confident.
Another advantage of the silence and the pauses is that they allow you to
process the information you get better. You also get the time to consider the
best approach for communicating some thoughts, so that you present your
ideas in a humane, empathetic way that will help deepen the connection you
have with others.
Tips and Tricks to be Persuasive
The Best Should Come First
In other spheres, the best is saved for last. However, when it comes to
persuasion, what you say first sticks. Therefore, start with the best
characteristics, then move lower.
Use The Extremes
When you speak about stuff, go to the extremes, talk about good or bad,
right or wrong, left or right, and other similar extremes. Once this is done,
now get to the ‘just right’ sweet spot, and ensure that it appears better than
any of the extremes you described earlier.
Practice Brevity Of Speech
Your words should be quick, easy to understand, and easy to evaluate. Let
your words sound like short tweets, rather than long passages. Long
speeches tend to have run-on sentences that bore the listener; keep your
sentences short and meaningful.
Adjectives Spice Up Your Speech
After all that school learning, you finally get to use your knowledge of
adjectives! Adjectives are the ‘bold,’ ‘italics’ and ‘underline’ of your
speech. Therefore, use them to emphasize and add weight to your words.
Use adjectives such as gorgeous, smart, brilliant, adorable, beautiful,
meaningless, faithful, eager, worst, and delightful. Sprinkle these into your
short sentences, and you will see the impact they will have.
Take On The Present Tense
Nothing makes people sit and listen better than information about what is
happening. They want to know what they might have missed, or your ideas
concerning what is going on. For this reason, ensure that you always
present a uniquely intelligent and uncommon perspective; you will get their
attention and admiration. If you talk about the past, you will be surprised
that the majority of your listeners will have stopped listening before you are
done.
Rely On Science And Statistics
Of course, not all scientific information and statistical data available will be
accurate. However, use it anyway. People will think that you are smart,
resourceful, and trustworthy, perhaps.
Take A General Perspective
Be inclusive and general when referring to people. For example, say,
“Everyone says…” or “Everyone knows…”People become more attentive
because they want to be categorized among those who ‘say’ or ‘know,’
provided you are speaking about something positive. Make what you are
saying ‘obvious’ and ‘the only way,’ and everyone in your audience will
want to be part of the winning tribe.
Butter Them Up
It is said that flattery will get you anywhere. However, this flattery should
be in the right amount: too much, and you appear treacherous, too little, and
you appear disinterested and unknowledgeable. Know how to strike a
balance, and for heaven’s sake, mean what you say. Don’t try to oversell
something you do not believe in.
Use Anger Cleverly
Most people work to avoid conflict at all costs. Conflict is uncomfortable,
but if you are tenacious enough, you could use it to your advantage by
creating a conflict situation and allowing the tension to escalate to a
particular level, enough to let the other party back down. When this
happens, enforce your idea, which must have been the better option, so that
it is adopted. Be careful to use this conflict method sparingly, and don’t do
it due to a loss of self-control, driven by your emotions.
Remain Calm And Detach From The Conflict
Another approach to a heated situation is to remain calm, unemotional, and
detached from the conflict. During times when each party’s voice is high,
and everyone wants to be heard, stay calm. People tend to turn to the ones
that are calm and seem to be in control of their emotions. They trust them to
provide a lead in the issues at hand.
Talk About What The Person Will Lose
Nobody likes loss. When you bring it up, be sure that you have caught your
listeners attention as he tries to understand the circumstances that will
drive failure into his life. People are convinced that they know how to gain
something, but the reality that loss can come from any direction makes
them lie awake in the night. If you are selling a shirt, for example, start by
letting your customer know that he stands to miss the sale of a lifetime. This
will work better than telling him that he is about to get a good shirt if he
purchases it now, during the sale.
Practical Examples of Persuasion
Let’s evaluate some practical examples of how to use persuasion to your
advantage.
Example 1: Assume that you intend to collect signatures at your place
of work to petition for the removal of some unfair terms at your
workplace, and you want to persuade your colleague Anne to sign your
petition.
You: Good morning Miss Anne, how are you?
Anne: Good morning. I am fine. Thank you.
You: How has been your day? Are you getting on with your work, alright?
Anne: My day started so well. The weather is beautiful, and I arrived to
work on time.
You: Yes, it has been quite a bright morning. How is your family?
Anne: They are doing quite well, thank you. My daughter made it to the
dean’s list this year. She is getting an honorary award this Friday, and we
shall hold a small party at our home later in the day. You should come.
You: It would be an honor to celebrate with you and your daughter. I am
quite fond of her and her siblings. If I may ask though, what is your opinion
regarding the new terms the management has introduced regarding our
working hours and forcing employees to take pay cuts?
Anne: I was quite appalled on reading that notice. The terms are quite
unfair because the management expects us to take on more roles, with less
pay, and what’s worse, they will not be compensating when we work
overtime.
You: Yes, Ms. Anne. The terms do nothing to promote the welfare of the
employees, and for that reason, I am requesting my colleagues to join me in
signing this petition so that the management revisits the new terms and
gives more consideration to us.
Anne: Is there an anonymity option? Can I hide my identity?
You: Sure, but it would be better if you indicated your full names and ID so
that the management gets to know the specific people and areas their terms
are affecting.
Anne: In that case, I will sign and indicate my identity; something must be
done about our situation (Anne signs the petition).
You: Yes, Anne, thank you so much. We must voice our concerns. Kindly
pass my love to your lovely children. I will see them on Friday.
Anne: You’re welcome. See you then.
Example 2: A doctor trying to convince a patient to take on a healthy
diet
Doctor: From the results of the tests done on you, I am sorry to inform you
that going by your statistics, you run the risk of acquiring chronic lifestyle
diseases.
Patient: Oh, I did not think it was that bad. Which diseases do I stand to
contract doctor?
Doctor: With your BMI at 36, you are already obese. Obesity and excessive
weight gain could cause you to develop type 2 diabetes, heart disease,
stroke, and a whole lot of other cardiovascular diseases
Patient: Mmh, that is troubling news! You know doctor, my father was
diabetic and died from diabetes-related complications.
Doctor: You must be fortunate not to have become diabetic already because
diabetes is hereditary, and you could be a carrier. You need to take more
caution in regards to your lifestyle so that you remain healthy. You see,
among the top ten diseases that kill the most significant number of people, a
number of them stem from the lifestyle of the patients, and if you are not
careful, you may contact one or a number of them.
Patient: Really, doctor? (silence). But I have made several attempts to diet,
but I got nowhere. I would lose a few pounds then fall back into my old
eating habits.
Doctor: A diet is not enough to turn around your life. You are already
tipping the scale here. Your situation could change in a heartbeat, and you
could quickly turn into one of those death statistics. What you need is a
complete lifestyle change. A diet only changes one aspect of your life,
the food, but you need to turn even your mindset so that you do not find
yourself falling back to old habits once you have conquered.
Patient: Can I turn this around and protect my health, doctor?
Doctor: Certainly, you have all it takes to be successful. A willing heart and
a resolve to change is all it takes. I will give you a booklet with more
detailed information on how you can turn everything around and begin to
lead a healthy life.
Patient: I will appreciate any resource you can provide. I am determined to
make this change. Thank you, doctor.
Doctor: You are welcome. Aim for a 19 to 25 BMI, and you will be okay. I
wish you well. Feel free to walk in for regular checkups, and when you
have any questions or problems, do not hesitate to ask for my help.
Patient: Thank you, I will.
Other situations that require your power of persuasion include:
Conducting campaigns for a political candidate
Coming up with an advert to target a particular demographic group
Presenting yourself during an interview to ensure that your
qualifications are a match to the job description
Recruiting volunteers into a community service program
Presenting an argument before a judge
Writing your college application letter
Making requests to your bosses.
Negotiating terms in a contract agreement
Presenting an argument to increase budget allocations
Chapter 5: How to Communicate
in the Workplace
Good communication is imperative in any environment where humans
interact, but when it comes to the workplace, communication is even more
critical because it is a crucial influencer of the success of the business.
Success in business refers to having an organized team working to attain the
organizational goals, meeting production targets, keeping costs of
production down, having healthy in-house relationships, and relating well
with customers. Securing a market share is also part of business success,
and it is a result of all systems working together well, often because people
are communicating properly.
Other benefits derived from good communication include:
Makes employees more engaged: Communication connects persons
in the organization towards a single purpose and goal. If the goal is
clear, employees understand what they must do to reach the goal.
Causes the workforce to be more productive: Communication is a
key contributor towards the productivity of the workforce because it
promotes an understanding of each members skills and talents, and
encourages creativity and innovation. Hence, the organizational
planning is done in consideration of each employee’s points of
excellence. If the results are all excellent, then the company and its
workforce will be productive.
Prevents misunderstandings with the clients: With excellent
communication, the needs and preferences of the clients will be
clear, the customer will feel heard and understood, new information
will be presented in a form that all parties can understand, and
existing conflicts can be straightened out quickly.
Alleviates conflict: Misunderstandings, feeling disregarded and
misunderstood often result in conflict. People also conflict when
they fail to understand how others communicate.
How to Resolve Conflicts
Below is a step-by-step tool to help you resolve conflicts that come up at
the workplace, and in other forums that involve interaction with people.
1. Do Not Burry The Conflict
When conflicts arise, do not assume that they didn’t happen, or burry them
to avoid talking about them. Unresolved issues are ticking time-bombs that
build up pressure, and the situation only gets worse with time. Therefore,
conflicts should be dealt with as soon as they occur so that there are no
problems or hurt feelings as people perform their duties at work.
2. Speak With The Other Person
Reach out to the other party and let him or her know that you are interested
in speaking about the problem. Invite them to choose a time and place that
you would conveniently meet to discuss what happened. Ensure that the
location has minimal interruptions, if any so that you have ample time to
speak and iron out your issues.
3. Listen
Listening is quite essential because it allows you to see the issue from the
other party’s perspective. Therefore, listen to what the other party is saying,
and get ready to react. Do not interrupt him. Once he is done talking,
summarize and rephrase what he said to seek confirmation, so that you are
sure that you understood all that was said. Where you need clarifying, ask
questions.
4. Take Note Of The Points Of Agreement And Disagreement
With the other party’s help, take note of the issues you agree or disagree on.
At the end of it, ask the person to confirm your assessment. Ensure that
both parties agree on the areas of conflict that need working on.
5. Discuss Behavior Not Individuals
As you try to figure out the causes of conflict, it is easy to start attacking
each others personalities. Some people say, “I do not like it when you leave
papers containing sensitive information on top of your desk when you are
out.” Instead, say, “When papers containing sensitive information are left
lying on a desk without supervision, the company stands to expose our
clients’ personal information, and we could wind up with a lawsuit.” The
first statement addresses the weaknesses of the person, while the second
statement attacks the deed itself.
6. Develop A List Of Priority
Decide on the issues that are of greater significance, and purpose to work
on them first before you move on to those of lower consequence. As you
start to discuss the issue, let your focus be the future of the company, and
how you should work with one another to actualize company goals.
7. Follow Through With The Plan
Stick to the list of conflict areas, addressing them one-by-one until you get
to the end. Ensure that you come to a consensus on the solution to a
particular issue before you move on to the next. Through it all, maintain a
collaborative attitude so that you remain united, focused, and committed to
working out your conflicts.
8. Forgive Quickly
When conflicts are resolved, the natural thing is to acknowledge that
feelings were hurt, assumptions were made, and ignorant words were said.
Acknowledge also that your perspective was wrong (if it was), and thank
the other party for helping you see from a new perspective. Tell the person
that you are sorry, and forgive the person too. Superficial forgiveness is not
good enough because it causes grudges that worsen with time, and
undermine every progress you had made.
How to Become Charismatic
Charisma is the quality that causes you to charm, attract, and influence the
people around you. You could easily point out a charismatic person, but it
would be quite difficult to point out the specific characteristics or qualities
that make the person charismatic. What’s more, there are all kinds of
charismatic people, without any common characteristic among them. For
example, some people are quiet and rely on their personal charm, rather
than words to influence people. The rest are talkative and use their
passionate words to charm the socks off those around them. This brings us
to the understanding that interpersonal skills and effective communication
will cause you to become charismatic.
Many other situations, besides work, require you to be charismatic. As a
student running for class president or student council president, you will
need charisma to charm your colleagues to vote for you. As a marketer,
charisma will give you favor with your intended market segment. As an
entrepreneur looking to bring investors on board, they will only support you
if they take a liking to you. As a single guy looking to have a girlfriend,
charisma will make you likable among the ladies. As you can see, you need
charisma to get through different situations in life. It will draw others to
you, allow you to command an audience, convince people that you have a
viable idea, and draw them to yourself.
Before we get to the tips that will help you be more charismatic, kindly note
that no one is born with charisma; we all have to learn and practice it.
Below are the tips to becoming more charismatic:
1. Beware of the Charisma Trap
The charisma trap is born of the fact that the more effort you put towards
becoming charismatic, the lesser you succeed. Sure, becoming a better
listener makes you more charismatic, but trying to force yourself makes you
less charismatic. Putting conscious effort into making a good impression
already pulls back the attention to yourself to allow for self-evaluation, and
this undermines charisma.
The process of putting effort into becoming charismatic is a sign of
insecurity too. If you were charismatic, you wouldn’t care about the tone of
your voice, whether you smiled enough, or whether you used kind words.
This is because charisma, though learned, must come through the
subconscious mind. This way, you do not monitor anything, and your
attention is entirely on the other party.
2. Shift Your Gaze Outward
Shifting your gaze outward means that your focus shifts from yourself to
the people you are socializing with. The less you worry about yourself, the
more charismatic you become. Most people tend to relate what is being said
to themselves and how they feel. However, looking back to yourself creates
a defense state that kills charisma. The right way to do this is to now focus
your thoughts on the people you are interacting with. Whenever you have a
conversation, think about how their words reflect them, rather than what
they say about you. This does not mean that you should begin to judge
them; you only want to know them more.
Ask yourself why the person is saying those particular words, ask yourself
about his body language, and see if you can figure out why the person does
what he does. Do not try to answer any of these questions, though; they are
only meant to create a social flow state. Answering them will trigger your
judgmental side of the brain, and the insecurities or defenses will begin
wearing their ugly heads.
3. Cultivate the Art of Presence
Presence is one of the key aspects of charisma, and it is all about engaging
with others truly and sincerely. When you do this, you assure others that
they have all your attention. One thing about this ‘presence’ aspect is that it
reminds you that the conversation is not all about you, allowing you to shift
your focus back to the other party.
Listen to every word that the other party speaks. Resist the need to think
about the reply you will give, and focus on what is being said to you. Take
the opportunity to get all the inside information that could help you
discover who the person is and all that he is about. When you listen to
people and want to know them deeper, they feel valued and heard and will
want to socialize with you at a deeper level.
Certainly, you cannot be in an engaging conversation, and all you do is
listen, all day, every day. When the opportunity to talk comes up, do so, and
ensure that you express yourself with confidence.
4. You Must Know the Basic of Good Conversation
Before you proceed to the advanced level of charisma, the basics of
conversations must be at your fingertips. A charismatic person always
knows how to speak with people. He must know how to start a
conversation, and how he can steer it in the right direction to engage others
and to make them feel comfortable. If you still have problems with basic
conversation, you need to work harder to master it.
One trick you can use to start conversations is creativity. However, you
must also be sure that the conversation you want to start is one that you
would be comfortable with if it were spoken to you so that you do not make
the other party uncomfortable. Focus on being nice rather than trying to
show others that you are brilliant. Remember that being nice makes you
more charismatic, which is the primary goal of the conversation you are
initiating.
Include some questions in the conversation, so the other party knows that
you are interested in learning more about them. Some people like to include
humor too, but be careful because you are only now getting to know or
socialize with the other party. Some jokes could be found insensitive.
Therefore, if you insist on humor, let it be in the manner you speak, and not
in the words you speak. If you use humor well, you will get more people to
like you and to open up to you. Everyone likes to be surrounded by people
who can make them feel happier.
How to Communicate Successfully
Below are some essential skills to help you make communication in the
workplace successful:
1. Encourage More One-To-One Conversations And Phone
Conversations
Today, people prefer written communication because they are used to
writing texts and posting written content on various social media platforms.
As a result, emails have become more popular in the workplace. However,
if you are in a busy office and everyone decided to send you an email, you
would have quite a large load f emails to go through, and responding to
each would be equally tasking. The entire process would take up much of
your valuable time too. However, if people switched to phone calls and one-
on-one conversations, communication would be quicker and simpler.
2. Encourage Open Discussions
Encourage the people in your organization to speak their minds by letting
them know that all they speak will be heard. Always remind them that their
opinions matter. When people are encouraged to speak, and their feedback
is received with respect, they feel appreciated and valued, and they take
pride in being part of the organization.
3. Let The Discussions Be Meaningful
If all that is spoken about in your meetings is unnecessary and pointless,
you will notice that the attendance will begin to dwindle. People begin to
lose interest in the meetings and discussions because they perceive them as
a waste of time. Too often, organizations hold meetings for the sake of it,
just because the meeting is indicated on the regular schedule. This is not
right. Meetings should be held only when necessary: other times,
communicate your ideas and additional information through phone calls or
face-to-face conversations.
If you find that a meeting is still necessary, maintain a tight time limit and
stick to the agenda.
4. Get Visual Aids
Sometimes, words are not enough to express your point, and you will need
a graphic or any other visual aid to help bring the point home. Use a photo,
a picture, a graph, a meme, or a short video to help get your point across.
Most people understand and respond better to visual information. They will
also remember the visual aids for longer than they would if you only spoke
some plain words.
5. Be Careful When Wording Emails
It is difficult to interpret the speakers tone when communication is done
via text. Through this media, your communication can go either way. It is
not a wonder if the reader interprets in a context for which the writer did not
intend. When this happens, people are bound to get offended unnecessarily
just because they read the information in a particular way, even though it
was not meant to be as such. This happens especially in situations where the
writer has left room for interpretation by writing ambiguously. However, if
you take caution and are clear about what you are talking about, no one will
misinterpret you.
If you must communicate through written text, ensure that you proofread it
to ensure that it delivers the tone that you meant it to. Also, confirm that
you use the correct spelling, grammar, and punctuation as these too can be
interpreted as rudeness and as being unprofessional.
6. Let Your Words Be Simple
The reality is that we are not all on the same footing when it comes to
vocabulary. Therefore, to ensure that everyone understands what you say,
use simple words. Ambiguous words only lead to misunderstanding and
may require you to have to explain yourself better again, ultimately wasting
your precious time.
7. Act Out The Message
It is not until you see someone do something, or you do it yourself, that the
message behind it is completely absorbed. Words are easily forgotten, but
deeds, not so much. Acting out what you would want your team to emulate
is a very effective method of communication because, in the first place, you
have demonstrated to them that what you want to be done is possible. Let
the people see you do what you would want them to do, and they will be
challenged to do it. There will be no excuses.
8. Avoid Repetition
If you want to be taken seriously, don’t sound like a broken record. Don’t
keep repeating instructions or trying to beat them down with your words,
into submission. Give your instructions just once, and ask if they are clear
to everyone. If some have not understood, repeat your instructions, and
when this is done, step aside and let your people go to work. Demand good
results and make yourself busy. You will earn their respect this way, when
they do not see you hovering over them all the time, repeating instructions
they already heard.
How to Talk to Your Bosses
The thought of speaking to your boss can be quite frightening, especially
when you need to talk to them about sensitive topics like salary increases,
bonuses, some unfair terms at work, or about quitting your job. During
these times, you often have minimal time to make your case, you nervously
anticipate any follow-up questions, and you dread your boss’ reaction.
Many times, the opportunities you get will also not be in your favor: you
could be in an elevator, you could be asked into a meeting discussing
something entirely different, or you could get your opportunity during a
phone call. Speaking with your boss can be terrifying because your career is
literally in your boss’ hands, and most times, your boss’ temperament, ego
and predisposition will be different from yours. You also must remain true
to yourself and not compromise on your values.
When it comes to speaking to your boss, there is always the risk that if you
could wind up unemployed if you disagree with your employer. However,
being a yes woman or man will do nothing for your personal and career
growth. However, the following tips will help you remain safe while getting
your voice across so that your issues are addressed, and working becomes
easier.
Mistakes to Avoid
Before we get to what you should do, it is important that you take note of
the mistakes you should avoid at all costs.
1. Do Not One-Up Your Boss Or Your Colleagues
Whenever you have a chance to speak to the higher authorities, know that it
is your opportunity to prove to them the value that you bring to the
company. It sets you up for greater opportunities to come, but one mistake
you can make is to sell yourself at the expense of others. For example, if
you are speaking about a project going on, do not try to downplay the
contributions or efforts of others or selling them as your own. Doing so will
make you appear a liar, a credit hog, and an unwise person.
Do not downplay the work of your boss or supervisor either. Putting them
down does not improve your chances of promotion, and when word gets to
your boss (it does), you will seem unprofessional. If there is a need to report
some issues concerning your supervisor, be honest and professional.
For example, say, “We are yet to start production for this line of products
because Mark, our supervisor, has been away, and we cannot begin
production without his authorization.” Do not say, “Mark has been
completely MIA, rarely comes to the office, and could be less bothered
about his work. He is the reason we have not begun production for this
product line. No one can find him.”
2. Don’t Be Too Humble
Sometimes, when you speak to your boss, it will be because you have done
well and the boss wants to recognize your efforts. Interestingly, a happy
meeting can also pose its challenges. How do you take praise from your
boss without throwing in statements like “It was nothing, I didn’t even do
much,” or going to the other extreme and appearing as a credit hog? When
your boss recognizes and praises you, it is crucial that you take it, but take it
with grace, without putting yourself down.
If some people helped you achieve success, say so. Doing so will make you
appear like a team player, and when you need help in the future, the people
will offer it because you recognized their efforts too. However, do not
diminish your contribution; recognize your efforts also.
3. Speaking Everything That Comes To Mind
You don’t get to speak to your boss every other day, which means that when
you get the chance to, you have to utilize every second available. However,
this is not the time to fire every idea that pops into your mind or to talk
about the dreams you have for the company. You must use the time you
have productively. Whenever you approach your boss or are called upon to
speak to the boss on a particular issue, stick to that issue alone; don’t touch
on other issues unless they are related, or need urgent attention. If you need
other issues addressed, wait until the meeting is over, then send a follow-up
email containing all the interesting ideas you would love to share with the
boss whenever he can make time.
In the same way, let’s say your boss wants to relate with you socially and
has invited you to her home, and she begins to talk about personal issues,
ensure that you do not change the subject to start discussing work. If you
do, your words will be falling on uninterested ears, and you will have lost
the opportunity to know your boss personally, which could prove quite
valuable later on.
4. Do Not Correct Your Boss In Front Of Company
No one likes it when their mistakes are pointed out before company. Don’t
sweat the small stuff, but if it is a mistake that needs correcting, only
mention the error when other people have left the room.
5. Avoid Speaking To Your Boss When You Are Emotional
Inevitably, there will be issues that will get to you in the workplace.
Someone will get recognition and rewards for work you did, you will be
overlooked, and there will be other upsetting issues. When these things
happen, you are bound to become emotional, and what would come to mind
is to speak to your boss. However, shake off that idea and take some time to
cool off. If you insist on speaking while you are emotional, you may regret
the words you spoke later on.
6. Do Not Interrupt
You may be knowledgeable on some topics and issues better than your boss,
but even then, do not interrupt to add your input or correct him. Patiently
wait until he is done speaking before you offer your opinion, but ensure that
you phrase it in a way that supports the boss’ argument rather than attack it.
The Do’s
Now that you know the thin ice areas of speaking to your boss let’s now see
how you should do it.
1. Take Note Of The Boss’ Communication Preferences
This is to mean that you should first observe how your boss likes to be
addressed before you go ahead and start speaking. Is your boss social to the
point that he keeps his door open, not minding when anyone pops in for a
quick chat or does he prefer that you book an appointment? You see, just as
your temperament is unique, so is your boss’s. Learn how he prefers to be
addressed before you go talking to him.
2. Build A Rapport Through Open Communication
One of the killers of the organizational structure and culture is an
unreachable boss. Lots of protocol bring system rigidity, disrupt
communication, and derail decision-making in the organization. Therefore,
you and your bosses ought to work towards building a rapport so that
speaking to your boss does not turn into this thing that causes you sleepless
nights and intense anxiety. After all, he is human like you.
3. Help To Build Your Boss Up
Your boss is the face of the department or the organization, and whenever
he looks good, you look good too; when he appears bad, it does not paint a
pretty picture of you. Therefore, always come up with ways to lift the
profile of your boss, and you too will benefit from it.
4. Have Your Facts Straight
If you go into the meeting with your guns blazing wanting to have your
way, whatever you wanted, you can kiss goodbye. Know that management
is perfectly capable of making decisions. Therefore, only give your opinion
when it is solicited. If you get the opportunity to speak to them, ensure that
your ideas are statistically backed so that you appear credible and
knowledgeable.
5. Let Your Point Be Clear
Your boss is undoubtedly a busy person, and will not have the luxury of
sitting down a while as you lay on him tons of background information and
run-on sentences of no consequence. Leave out all the unnecessary
information and only speak about the relevant points you want to be
addressed. Make what you would wish for him to do very clear so that he
can decide on what to do quickly.
Chapter 6: How to Communicate
Effectively For Couples
A relationship without effective communication is handicapped because
when both parties are unable to express themselves and listen to one
another, it will be nearly impossible to achieve any intimacy. Effective
communication, however, allows you and your partner to build a friendship
where each party feels heard, valued, understood, loved, and respected.
The problem with many relationships is that couples only have a surface
understanding of what communication is all about. Most of them approach
communicating with their partners as a debate, and each partner focuses on
presenting facts that will allow him or her to be proven right, to one-up their
partner. An approach like this is problematic because each partner goes into
the conversation thinking that he or she has an accurate grasp of the
situation, making it difficult to convince him or her otherwise.
Couples need to understand that the primary purpose of communication in
the relationship is to enable them to share their perceptions, ideas, feelings,
and thoughts. As they talk, they get to learn more about each other, and with
greater understanding comes greater intimacy.
Below are some tips you can take up to help you communicate and connect
with your partner:
Improve Your Ability to Listen
If you asked a couple to say whether they listen to each other, my bet is you
would receive a resounding ‘yes.’ Everyone believes that he or she is an
excellent listener, but if you were to ask them to give a satisfactory
summary of what the partner said, some would only mumble. The reality is
that most partners are not usually listening fully to what is being said, their
minds are often busy planning their response to one specific thing that
caught their ear.
Therefore, as you speak, your partner could be busy planning a rebuttal to
your statements, listing several complaints to pour out, or going over other
things that have nothing to do with what is being spoken about. These
tendencies take the listeners’ minds of their partners, and the conversation
suddenly shifts from the speakers view of the listeners perspective. The
listener now starts talking about his views or his problems. The result is that
the initiator of the conversation will get upset, and from there, the
conversation could quickly degenerate into a confrontation.
Empathetic Listening
In your relationship, you can very well improve your listening to become an
active listener, but it is even more beneficial when you become an
empathetic listener. Empathetic listening makes you really pay attention to
what your partner is saying because you become aware of and sensitive to
your partners thoughts and emotions.
Empathy is different from sympathy. When you are sympathetic, you are
really sorry that your partner got to experience some adverse event, but
when you are empathetic, you somewhat relieve their experiences as they
explain them to you detail by detail. Empathy causes you to be more in
touch with what your partner is going through in comparison to sympathy.
To become an empathetic listener, do the following:
Recognize your partners feelings: It is important that you
understand and sympathize with your partner. Verbally repeating
what the person is saying will help you get a better grasp of the
situation, and your partner will feel that you are connecting to him
or her.
Be quiet: Often, we want to be the initiators of conversations. Even
if your partner has called you aside and said he or she wants to speak
to you, most of us still go ahead to mumble things that sometimes
anger and distract the other partner. When called upon to listen, this
is not the time to talk about your day, ask for a glass of water, or
anything of the sort. Sit down, be quiet, and wait to be addressed.
Patiently waiting to hear communicates care and concern.
Maintain neutrality: If your partner is raising a sensitive issue, you
may feel prompted to speak up, and usually, this comes forth as an
emotional outburst or a raised voice. However, empathetic listening
demands that you remain quiet and maintain a neutral persona, no
matter how the situation goes.
Seek clarification: If something is not clear, ask your partner to
repeat it. Seek clarification, not just of the words spoken, but also of
the meaning of those words, or that manner of speaking. Whatever
you cannot relate to, ask for more information.
Overall, listening in relationships is often a give and take situation, as is
everything else. The more attention you give, the more you will get when
you speak. Therefore, ensure that you remain respectful, no matter how
angry and emotional you get. Do not only listen to what your partner is
saying; also listen to what is not being said.
Once the partner is done speaking, start your reply by repeating what your
partner was saying, and be careful to only think of your response when the
person is done talking. Maintain eye contact, watch for your body language
too, and avoid jumping into conclusions. When you do this, you will be
surprised at how well your relationship will begin to function.
Effective Communication Techniques for Couples
Be Honest
Commit yourself to be honest at all times. Of course, some truths will hurt
your partner, but they had better get over it than live in deceit. Admit that
you are not perfect either, accept corrections, and apologize when you make
mistakes. Honesty will make you feel secure and will strengthen your
relationship.
Its All About Timing
Just because you are obliged to speak your mind and say the truth does not
mean that any time any place is good enough. When you feel the need to
talk something over, take time to plan out a perfect time to talk. Begin by
asking your partner about their availability, and find a time when your
partner calm, not in a rush, and is not distracted. Otherwise, he or she will
not respond too well, or even worse; you will not be heard.
Opt For Face-To-Face Conversations
Since you will be looking to connect with your partner and have more
intimacy, it is best that you deal with the individual one-on-one rather than
via texts or phone calls. Do not discuss serious issues in writing because
text can always be misinterpreted. Talk in person so that you may convey
your words with the attitude and tone you intended they convey. If you are
having trouble remembering all that you wanted addressed, put all those
points down on paper ahead of time, and refer to them when speaking to
your partner.
Watch Your Body Language
Whenever you are speaking with your partner, about any issue whatsoever,
let them know that they got your full attention. Sit up, look at them,
maintain eye contact, nod, and do other things to show that you are
interested to hear what they say, even when you disagree with their point of
view. Don’t insist on texting, picking a phone call, or playing your
videogame while your partner is talking. Leaving what you are doing to
show attention is also a way of showing them that you respect them, just as
you would want them to respect you.
Avoid Attacks
Sometimes, even when you mean well, you could come off as harsh. It all
has to do with your choice of words. For example, when you want to
address a problem but are using the word ‘you,’ your partner will perceive
it as an attack to his or her person. Immediately, the person will become
defensive and less receptive to what you have to say. Therefore, try to
address the situation rather than the person, and if you must use pronouns,
stick to ‘we’ and ‘I.’ You could say, “I feel like we are drifting apart,”
instead of saying, “You are always pulling away from me.”
Take Up The 48-Hour Rule
If your therapist has not told you about the 48-hour rule, I am glad to let
you in on this relationship secret. It is a rule where if your partner makes
you angry and you feel that you need to let them know, you do not do it
immediately; you wait it out. If at the end of 48 hours you’re still hurting,
you must say something. However, if not, you must forget about the whole
issue.
Kindly note that the rule does not advocate for burying issues, it only
allows you to dwell on the big stuff that could affect your relationship,
rather than having to argue at every little tiny mistake your partner makes.
For example, if you were angry that your partner left a towel on the floor or
a dish at the sink, you do not have to summon heaven and earth. Just wait it
out, and 48 hours later, calmly tell your partner that you would appreciate it
if he cleaned after himself more. When you mention what made you hurt
and your partner apologizes, let the issue go.
A fantastic thing that happens as you go through the 48-hour exercise is that
you also start seeing mistakes you made that directly contributed to the
issue at hand. Once you take note of your contribution, you are less likely to
repeat the same thing in the future.
Do Not Hit Below The Belt
In a heated situation, each party aims to carry the day. Everyone wants to
win, prove himself, and for the other party to see that you were right all
along. However, in the middle of it all, when you suddenly realize that your
argument does not hold water, some people begin attacking the personality
and character of the other party by name-calling or bringing up past
mistakes. You start bringing back issues your partner assumes that you
forgave and forgot. Doing this aggravates the situation, and may end up
ruining your relationship in the long-term, even after the current argument
has been resolved.
In an argument, only address the present situation. Try as best as you can
not to use the word ‘you,’ telling your partner, “You always do this.” Also,
refrain from any other name you might be tempted to refer your partner as.
Try calling him or her by their first name or pet name. say it lovingly to
dilute the anger and the tense atmosphere. You will be surprised how
quickly the tone of the conversation will change.
Seek Third-Party Intervention
When you cannot agree, especially on an important matter, seek the services
of a counselor, or you could invite a family member or a trusted friend to be
the neutral party. A third person brings a new perspective to the situation.
You are more likely to consider the opinion of the third person than that of
your spouse because the third party will be objective, and will have no
vested interests in the decision being made. Only ensure that the person is
trustworthy, and has good intentions for both parties, without favoring
either one.
Agree To Disagree
Being a couple doesn’t mean that you have to be in agreement all the time.
By now, you must have compromised enough times, and you now
understand that you do not need to have your way all the time. Sometimes,
you have to lay low on your side to allow your significant other to have his
way. It is of most importance that you remember that you and your partner
are on the same team. Despite the disagreements, you must continue to
walk together, in support of one another. Couples who understand this often
have successful relationships.
Not every problem will be solvable, but the important thing to note is that
your relationship is bigger than any problem you may encounter. Your
partner remains your closest confidant, and you cannot afford to lose each
other. Make an effort to show him or her that he or she is of value to you
every day.
Frequent Mistakes in the Communication of Couples
1. Thinking That More Communication Is The Solution
When a feuding couple is asked to state the genesis of their problems, a
common issue they point to is the lack of communication. They think that if
they talked more, their problems would be ironed out. However, this is not
entirely true because talking more could have the opposite effect. Many
women like to talk, but that is not the case for most men (and some
women). Communicating without connecting first will yield more feelings
of hurt and disconnection.
Connections are built when you acknowledge the efforts of the other
person, engage in activities together, and increasing proximity. Once you
are connected, you begin to have an open and productive conversation that
does not necessarily involve too many words. One trick is to understand
your partners ‘love language’ so that you may begin to concentrate more
on what makes your partner happy, rather than doing too much that has no
effect.
2. Dwelling On Unhelpful Issues
When partners fail to agree, and none is willing to compromise, the
conversation drags. Most times, conversations that drag are often about
hopeless issues that you wouldn’t care about, usually. You will find partners
continuing with toxic discussions, or one of them repeatedly giving rash
lectures. When the conversation turns this sour, you can expect always to
have lots of diminishing returns. It does not matter how well-intentioned the
conversation was at the beginning, but when it sinks to these lows, there is
no going back, unless one partner sobers up and tries to dig them up from
the hole of hurt and silence.
3. Failure To See Things From The Others Perspective
Sometimes, it only takes you remaining calm, listening, and using your
imagination to understand where the other party is coming from. Make a
conscious effort to understand and see things from your partners
perspective. Empathy could help you do that; you do not have to agree with
the person, but you will see where they are coming from.
4. Giving In And Not Airing Your Views And Opinions
If one or both partners want to keep off conflict at all costs, chances are that
opinions and emotions will often be buried in the hope that doing so will
please the other party and bring peace in the relationship. However, this
habit only keeps the peace for a short time before your happiness is eroded,
and the relationship fizzles too. Arguments are useful because people get to
air their differing views. Therefore, express your opinions, and don’t let
your feelings about anything be bottled up.
5. Needing Your Partner To Read Your Mind
It is likely that you cannot count the number of times that you expected
your partner to do something, and he or she didn’t do. The reason for this
was that your partner is not a mind reader. He or she did not have a clue
about what you wanted him or her to do. To communicate effectively, you
must clearly state what you need to be done.
Chapter 7: How to Communicate
Effectively With Friends
Effective communication is the bedrock of any successful friendship.
Indeed, friendship demands mutual trust and respect, but these values are
only cultivated through proper communication and understanding between
the parties involved. To communicate well, you will need to have some
crucial skills up your sleeve. The skills include:
Control your Emotions
Controlling or managing your emotions refers to choosing when and how to
express your emotions. People who have learned how to control their
emotions understand the importance of expressing their thoughts and
emotions, but know that it matters more, how, they express them. For this
reason, they react to situations productively and carry themselves with a lot
of maturity.
People who control their emotions have three kinds of basic knowledge in
regards to emotions. First, they know when best they can speak out and
when they would be better of waiting before they react or act on their
emotions. Second, they know to choose the best way to react rather than
allowing their emotions to influence the things they say or do, instead of
dealing with regrets later on. Third, people who have a good grasp of their
emotions understand that their reactions directly influence what happens
next, especially in regards to how they, and others feel about them.
It is likely that you have been in a situation where someone was too
emotional and reacted in a way that made you feel embarrassed for them.
You could also have been a situation where you didn’t manage your
emotions or your reaction properly, possibly because you gave in to your
fears, frustration, and anger. Most of these regrettable events happen when
we are dealing with your friends and loved ones, and although they might
forgive you, there is always the chance that it might happen again.
The skills you should take up to help you deal with your emotions and
manage them well, so you give a better reaction to different circumstances
belong to a larger group of emotional skills called emotional intelligence
(EQ). People who have learned to manage their emotions have acquired a
few of the EQ skills. It takes some time and practice to develop the
emotional intelligence skills, but once you do, you will be off to build solid
friendships and relationships with others.
The first skill to develop is emotional awareness. This is the skill that
allows you to recognize and take note of the emotions that you are feeling
at any given moment. Emotional awareness is a basic EQ skill. It only
requires you to identify and name what you are feeling so you can feel more
in control of what is going on inside you.
The second skill involves understanding the given emotions. Understanding
emotions means that you now know why you are feeling how you do. You
could say, for example, I feel angry because my friend did not invite me to
her birthday party.” By saying this, you acknowledge the anger emotions
you have inside you, and you also recognize the reason behind those
emotions.
It helps if you can view your emotions as an understandable natural
reaction, given the circumstances. For example, see that it is in human
nature to become angry when your friend leaves you out and does not invite
you to her birthday party, of all her friends. When you make this
recognition, it will be like being a little kind to yourself because you
understand how you feel. This goes a long way in helping you accept your
emotions, primarily because you already consider them reasonable and
natural.
The third skill is the ability to accept your emotions. Accepting your
emotions refers to the process of noticing, identifying, and understanding
your emotions without judging yourself or blaming other people for having
them. It is unwise to lie to ourselves that how we feel is because of another
person because you get to choose how to feel and react to different
situations. There will be situations when you would typically be angry, but
you choose to be happy and let be. No one can cause you to feel anything;
you allow yourself to feel them. Know that you hold all control over your
emotions.
You also must not judge your emotions and think that it is wrong to feel as
you do, saying, “It’s wrong to feel as awful as I feel,” or “People react
differently to what I am feeling and I am wrong to feel this way.” Do not
feel sorry for how you feel because the goal here is not to keep the emotions
at bay, whichever they may be, but to keep them from controlling you.
Once you have mastered the skills listed above and they now come
naturally, you have better control over how you feel, and practicing the use
of these basic skills will help you get over awkward and tough situations
with your friends faster than if you had to dwell on emotions and let them
run you.
Be Able to Say Anything
The ability to say anything is better described by the word ‘openness. When
you describe a person as ‘open,’ you would be referring to quite a number
of qualities, all of which are positive. An ‘open person’ is one who is
friendly, approachable, open-minded, honest, authentic, and tolerant. An
open person can say anything and will benefit from having a friend who can
say anything too, one who does not pass judgment and accommodates other
people’s views, among other openness qualities.
The reason being able to say anything is mentioned among the requirements
for a healthy relationship among friends is because it is rare. People have a
tendency to hide their inner thoughts and feelings, in fear that their friends
will not accept them. They have no problem running a charade to impress
their friends while the reality speaks otherwise.
You must have had a ‘friend’ to whom you had to pretend that you were
well and happy while in reality, you were suffering. People for who you
have to pretend are not your friends, and you need to shut them out. A
friend is one with whom you are free to speak, one that will allow you to be
yourself. A friend will not shut you out; they will know all about you and
still accept you. When you fail to open up to your friends, it really means
that you do not accept yourself fully, and you will deny yourself the
opportunity to speak out your thoughts and feelings.
The good thing about being an open person is that you get to decide what
you are comfortable sharing with others. You do not have to tell your friend
everything, even when the friend is accommodating and open.
Whenever you hold conversations with your friends, endeavor to go deeper
than the surface. Share more information than you usually would with other
people. Getting deeper makes it easier to make a connection between the
two parties. For example, you could tell someone that you just bought a pair
of shoes, but when it comes to telling your friend, let the friend know what
the shoes mean to you, and the qualities that led you to choose that pair of
shoes.
If you are having problems at work, you could tell any person who cares to
listen that you are having problems at work. However, when it comes to
your trusted friend, you should go ahead to explain what the problems are,
talk about how they affect your work, and about how they will affect the
future of the company, among other issues.
Let your friend be a close confidant, with whom you can share all secrets
and information. Ensure that you return the favor too, by becoming a true
friend, to whom your friend can speak about anything.
Know How to Listen to Them
When you sign up to become someone’s friend, you sign up to diligently
conduct all duties that pertain to this close association, one of them being
that you will be listening to your new friend, to get to learn about them and
their experiences. When people are friends, they have a tone of things to
share and talk about, and as they talk, the connection between them
becomes stronger. It is through communication that you get to know the
friend and to understand his character. As we draw closer, both parties start
to feel valued and supported.
Unfortunately, part of being human is that your mind will begin to wander
as your friend is speaking. You miss some questions, there are awkward
pauses in the conversation, and when he or she is done, you cannot tell what
he or she was talking about. Naturally, at the end of a conversation like it,
the friend will not feel heard.
On the other hand, if you gave your attention entirely, and chose to take in
all that was said, taking note even of all the tiny nuances in the
conversation, you would get to learn more about your friend, and a true
connection would be established or made stronger. This is the reason why
you should be engaged and present in your conversations because they
make quite a whole lot of difference in your life and that of your friends.
Clear The Clutter
One of the foundational strategies to help you become a better listener is to
set the stage. There are things you could do, even before the conversation
starts, to prepare yourself to listen better. Do this by taking out or cutting off
all factors that could take away your attention. Keep the phone and other
electronics away, and put off or limit any background music. Generally, you
should ensure that you are in an environment that allows you to focus and
be present in what is happening. Ensure that your friend also finds the
setting accommodating.
Monitor Your Body Language
Your nonverbal cues play a role as important as your words. Your
nonverbals should also indicate that you are listening. Therefore, ensure
that your body language is open, maintain eye contact, lean forward, and
occasionally touch your friend on the shoulder, reassuringly, to
communicate your interest in the conversation. It also helps if you can
avoid being restless and fidgeting because it comes off as boredom or as
having a dismissive attitude. Also, kindly note that reaching out with your
hand to hold your friend’s hand or handing out some tissue will show your
friend that you are vested and affected by what the friend is saying.
Keep Your Mind In What Is Happening
In your empathy, you may be so caught up by what your friend is saying
that you start thinking of all the ways you could intervene to help the
situation. The issue is that once you start engaging your mind, thinking
about these things, you will likely miss some important details of the
conversation, and by the time you are ready to suggest your solution, the
details may have changed, causing your solution to be deemed irrelevant.
Therefore, let your mind, and all your other senses are engaged in what is
being said and show your interest too through your nonverbal behavior.
Resist the temptation to bring out your own experiences. Although it makes
sense to show your friend that you too have gone through something
similar, as a way to show that you relate to what your friend is going
through, there are times when this is not the right path to take. There is a
likelihood that your story will carry the day, and the result will be that your
friend will end up feeling worse than she did before.
Therefore, whenever you feel that you want to chip in by sharing your
experiences, examine the reasons why you find it useful to do so. Are you
looking to comfort and support your friend or are you on a quest to shine
too? Ensure that your desire to help is not driven by selfish motives, and
when the chance comes and you have shared your story, kindly shift back to
the initiator of the conversation.
Include Some Questions
When you keep asking questions, you show that you are engaged in the
conversation and that you care about your friend’s perspective on what
happened. Questions are a great way to ensure that you are taking in
information the right way and that the details you have so far are accurate.
Follow up a conversation with questions like, “Did I get it right that you
were scheduled to board the bus that arrives at noon?”
That said, ensure that your questions do not come off as intrusive or out of
touch, especially if you plan to offer any advice. That said, questions should
guide you into discovering the kind of help your friend is looking for. It
could be that he only wants a hearing ear, a hug, or some sound advice.
Whichever the case, you must be equipped to help.
Acknowledge When You Are Not Ready
However much supportive and willing you are to help; there will be times
that you will be distracted by other things and not in a position to listen. It
could be that something exceedingly big is happening in your life; the
setting is not right or that you just know you cannot be of help for the time
being. When this is the case, ask your friend if it would be all right if you
picked the conversation and spoke at another time. Let your friend know
that the decision is not a reflection of your unwillingness to help out; it's
only that you want to do it when the times and the circumstances are
favorable so that the friend gets your full concentration.
Avoid Errors in Communication
Avoid the following errors in your conversations:
Talking Quickly And Loudly
Your tone is almost as important as the words you speak. It is estimated to
account for approximately 38 percent of your communication. If you talk in
an angry voice or keep rushing your words, your friend will shift into
defensive mode right away. However, when you speak slowly in a friendly
tone, your listener will be more interested in listening to you. In that tone,
you can even speak on delicate situations, and the message will be received
well.
Leaning Back And Crossing Your Legs Or Arms
Even if your words are sweet and tender, so long as your body language
communicates indifference, your message will be received with
indifference. Experts say that the words you speak are only 7 percent of the
communication you do, while 55 percent of the communication is made by
the body language.
Hiding Your Feelings
Whatever you feel, whether good or bad, is okay. Feelings are your body’s
emotional response to stimuli, and they cannot be classified into right and
wrong feelings. People should be able to share all that is in their hearts,
openly, honestly, and using simple language that does not contain
metaphors, that could mask any feelings.
Interrupting In The Middle Of A Conversation
You may have been friends to the point that you even finish each others
sentences, and when she or he speaks, a word is enough to jog a memory
that could make you two laugh or talk all day. As familiar as you may be
with each other, there is a place and time for all that friendliness. When
things are leaning towards the serious side, even the best best-intentioned
humor will appear rude. Therefore, when your friend wants to share with
you, ensure that you value and give ear to all that your friend has to say.
Blaming Your Friend For Your Feelings
Many things around you, or their memories, could trigger some feelings in
you, without necessarily having caused them, in any given day. It is
therefore important that you take note of what makes you feel as you do,
and take account of the triggers. Identifying the difference between the two
feelings is important because it causes you to be accountable for how you
feel. Take responsibility for how you feel and resist the temptation of
blaming another person.
Ignoring Your Friend When He Or She Speaks
Some people blatantly ignore a person by walking away when the person is
speaking, or subtly, by making some glances on their phone, reviewing their
notes as someone talks, or watching TV. Although some situations will call
for you to multitask, you ought to make conscious effort to listen to the
person speaking to you, and in time, they will also reciprocate the attention
to you or to other people.
Tricks and Techniques to Have Good Friendships
Let Your Actions Match Your Words
It is easy to tell your friend that you will be right beside him or her, but
these words lose meaning when you cannot live up to them. Trust is built
and preserved when your friend understands that he or she can lean on you.
Build trust by being where you promised to be, and your friend will know
that your words can be trusted.
Address Conflicts
It is impossible to remain friends with someone without ever differing in
opinion and arguing. Arguments are a healthy part of a conversation so long
as they are handled in the right way, maturely. Becoming defensive,
bickering, and avoiding the issue entirely do not resolve the conflict. It
takes two willing parties to sit down and talk about the issue with the
intention of reaching a solution. However, both parties must have agreed on
the existence of a conflict and must share in the resolve to find a solution.
Use ‘I’ And ‘We’ Statements
As we have mentioned in previous chapters, using ‘you’ in statements
causes the listening party to become defensive and to five a hostile
response. ‘I’-statements, on the other hand, produce the opposite effect
because neither party is blamed for the prevailing situation. Usually, the
feedback from the ‘I’ statements is positive.
Resolve it now
If there is an issue or a situation that needs your attention now, address it
now. The longer you wait it out, the harder it gets to resolve, and the more
anxious you will get. The only times when you should wait out a situation is
when you feel angry, and you cannot stay calm. Then, take a breather and
revisit the issue when you are calmer. Taking some time off ensures that
you do not behave or speak in a manner that will cause you to regret later.
Be Clear
People cannot read your mind, which means that they have no clue about
what you are thinking or how you feel. You cannot also give hints and
clues, expecting that people will understand what you are saying. Do not
ramble either. Let your words be clear and concise. Let them address the
issues directly also, without beating around the bus
Chapter 8: Non-Violent
Communication
Stuff is bound to flare up in your relationships. There will be times when
the things become so thick people cannot see eye to eye, and this is when
nonviolent communication (NVC) will come into play.
NVC prevents conflicts from taking place by helping to establish a
foundation of respect and trust when people communicate. The beauty of
NVC is that even at the point when you feel most angry and ready to flare
up and when your initial response will be overboard because you were
angry, NVC causes you to act in a trusting and respectful manner, without a
hint of passive aggression that typically causes resentment and distrust.
By definition, NVC is a communication framework designed to reduce
conflict and tension among the people. It provides us with a lens that gives
us an entirely different perspective of the world. It also changes how people
express themselves to others, connect and communicate with others, and
how they empathize with them. Essentially, NVC enables you to create a
better, higher quality connection so that people may enjoy being in a
relationship that has mutually beneficial outcomes.
Below are a few of the features of an NVC:
1. Peaceful Resolution of Conflicts
Conflicts are a normal part of interacting and relating with other people, but
the important thing is to resolve them peacefully and productively, and this
process requires some considerable time, support, and lots of practice.
Peaceful conflict resolution engages both parties and has them working
together to de-escalate, process, and resolve a conflict situation.
In this case, rather than confronting each other or burying the conflict as a
whole, feuding persons are encouraged to demonstrate courage by opening
up to each other regarding the conflict and how it affected them. They are
also asked to show compassion to each others side of the story,
empathizing with the other party’s experiences or interpretation of the
events. Thirdly, the parties are asked to work together, in collaboration, to
process the conflict and to come up with a resolution plan.
Here are the guidelines that help to chatter the way as you work towards
resolving your c0nflict in a peaceful, healthy, and kind way, even in the
circumstances that are very tense:
Remain calm: remember that you control your emotions and not the other
way. You must be able to manage your anger emotions before you can help
another person manage his. Whichever method you use, from breathing
deeply to others you may have up your sleeve, the idea here is to keep your
emotions under wraps long enough to allow a negotiation
There are no winners: sometimes, the conflict will revolve around a
ridiculous issue of little or no consequence. For example, don’t get caught
up in conflict regarding a football match that happened or even one that is
going to happen. Although fans can be very passionate, the players
determine which team wins and which ones lose by their playing in the
field. As fans, you have to sit back and watch. Don’t lose your peace over
things you have no control over, especially those that do not require your
participation. Also, do not fear to submit to anothers opinions regarding
issues like these because they do not influence your life in the first place.
Give audience to the other party: If someone is making you part of an
uncomfortable conversation, give them the opportunity to speak as much as
they need to. Acting disinterested or interrupting them while they talk will
not work in your favor; it will only aggravate the situation. Remember that
at the time, the person is not rational, and he can pull you in that direction.
Therefore, give him time to get everything off his system and eventually,
things will calm down.
Do not engage in verbal insults: when resolving a conflict, be watchful of
your tone and the words you use. Avoid abusive or angry words; let your
inner voice do the work. Audibly speaking profanity, screaming, and using
hateful language only escalates the conflict.
Maintain a safe and comfortable distance: If you fear that the situation
could quickly deteriorate and turn physical, keep a safe distance from the
other person. This will keep the person from attacking you or from
interpreting your physical moves as offensive postures. Therefore, keep
your distance and do not give room for the other person to feel threatened.
Overall, when you want to resolve a conflict peacefully, seek higher ground.
Ask yourself, “Is it better to be right or happy?” From there, you will
quickly figure out what you need to do.
2. Reconciliation after a Conflict
After a conflict, reconciliation allows parties to return to working together
to build the society and to achieve the shared goals. Parties must begin to
move past their divided opinions into a shared future. Reconciliation is
meant to restore the relationship between people to allow for future
engagements and collaborations. Unfortunately, reconciliation can be quite
difficult, especially because there are so many setbacks and failures
involved, depending on the depth of the conflict. However, the only real
failure would be if the parties involved did not consider reconciliation.
There is no definite systematic process that parties can follow to resolve a
conflict; each situation demands a unique approach. However, there are
some lessons you could carry away to help you resolve the conflicts in your
life:
Reconciliation is both the process and the destination.
Reconciliation cannot be done in haste because it takes time to address the
underlying issues such as anger, pain, frustration, and others.
Reconciliation processes should not be judged as either successes or
failures because each process will have its micro wins and successes
Reconciliation is done in several stages, and parties should expect relapses
too.
Mutual interests can be very effective in facilitating reconciliation between
feuding parties.
With the understanding that reconciliation does not involve specific steps,
parties should, however, ensure that both sides are heard. Parties must also
be ready to abandon their old beliefs.
3. Secrets of Mediating Knowledge
There will be situations where the only thing feuding parties can agree on is
that they need the help of a mediator. The mediator ought to be a neutral
party, whose role is not to judge and declare the winner and the loser. His
goal is to help the parties come to an understanding.
Mediation takes place in two stages. The first stage is the joint session.
Mediation begins by holding a meeting that lets the mediator in the
prevailing situation. The parties present their facts, and each side indicates
what its ideal resolution of the situation would be. The mediator also needs
to have all the information regarding what started the conflict and where it
has gotten to as at now.
The second stage is the caucus stage, and in this one, the mediator is
obliged to hold separate sessions with each party. The details of the meeting
should be highly confidential but for the statements that the first party
would want to be repeated to the second party. The mediator then collects
each side’s interests, including information about the concerns and needs
that the dispute is affecting.
Once the second stage is done, the mediator then begins moving from one
party to another, collecting proposals and suggestions that the parties
believe will satisfy their interests equally. Ultimately, a solution is reached.
Sometimes, it will be a one-sided victory while other times, it will end in a
‘win-win’ situation.
4. Making Bad Thoughts Disappear
When bad thoughts plague your mind, closing your eyes as tightly as you
can do not shut them out. The thought or the feeling keeps popping up, over
and over. The thoughts could be of a disturbing story you heard on the
news, nagging self-doubt, or thoughts of your relationship that went sour.
All these thoughts make you miserable and cause you to feel imprisoned by
your cruel mind.
Some people believe in the divine, and will invoke the power of their
deities to drive the negative thoughts away, while the second group believes
that nothing can be done about it. They believe that these thoughts have to
come up and that blocking them out is only a waste of time. The good news
is that you can totally block out unproductive thoughts, but only when
armed with the right strategies.
One fact you must remember is that blocking out the negative thoughts is an
effort in futility because one way or another, the thoughts rebound. Later
on, when your guard is down, the thought comes back with the vengeance
of a battalion, and suddenly, all you can think about are the negative
thoughts. However, it is possible to block out the negative thoughts and not
have any rebounds; you only need to remember two things.
The first is that blocking the thought is difficult, but just because it is
difficult does not mean that you need to think about it. Your brain is not out
to get you with the negativities. Stop thinking about the difficulty of letting
the thoughts go because it is this thinking that gives the thought more
meaning and importance, making it even more challenging to get rid of.
The second step is to know how to handle negative thought when it shows
up. The solution is to plan, in advance, what to do when the thought comes
to mind. Some opt to ignore it while others choose to replace the negative
thought with some positive ones.
5. Using Positive Language
Language is quite a powerful tool, and the manner in which you express
yourself affects how it is received, whether positively or negatively.
Positive language is so effective it is used to convey even bad news. It also
elicits cooperation and reception, unlike negative language that arouses
confrontation and argument. In your daily communication, positive
language helps to project a positive, helpful image while negative language
projects a destructive image.
You must have come across a naysayer in the course of your life. A
naysayer is a person who criticizes ideas, always having an opinion about
why an idea won’t work. Sometimes, the naysayer won’t even have a
negative attitude, he or she will just speak using words or a tone that
implies negativity. If you have been around someone like that, you know
just how annoying and mentally fatiguing a person like that can be.
Since naysayers get creative by the day, here is how you identify negative
language: it carries the message that you cannot do something, it subtly
blames you, it does not mention or stress the positive consequences, and it
includes words like can't, unable to, won't, and other words that let the
listener or the reader know what cannot be done.
Positive language, on the other hand, will tell you what can be done, it will
sound encouraging or helpful than bureaucratic, offer suggestions of
possible alternatives and it stresses the positive actions or consequences that
the reader or listener should expect. You certainly would want to lean
towards positive language so that you can be a fountain of hope and
positivity for others. Take up positive language and positive thinking, and
replace all your negative statements with positive ones.
6. Being Honest
Honesty is one of the simplest values to practice, yet it can take you to
heights you never imagined. It can also make you so fulfilled, happy, and
successful better than any other virtue. Trust honesty to rip through deceit
and lies. As a noble human being, honesty should be one of the
foundational pillars of your core principles and values in life.
By definition, honesty is not just about telling the truth; it also is about you
being real with yourself and with others about who you are on the inside,
what you like, and what is most important to you, if you are going to lead
an authentic life. Honesty empowers you and causes you to be more open
so that you have consistency in your delivery of facts. It also sharpens your
focus and perception, allowing you to see the things around you with
greater clarity.
If you are not honest, you certainly are lying or being deceitful. Lying is
terrible, whether you are deceiving yourself or others. Whenever you lie,
you fool yourself into believing the things you’re saying. You also begin to
dig a ditch of hypocrisy that only gets bigger with time. A liar confuses
himself and others around him, losing all credibility, and possibly putting
himself in harm’s way.
Deception gets even more serious when you deceive yourself. It all begins
with you messing around with the concepts of right and wrong, morality,
and the concepts of desires and dreams. You will find yourself lying to be
able to do something you very well know is wrong. When you do this once
and succeed, nothing will stop the chain of lies that follows. You will lie to
have your way, to misrepresent your shortcomings, or to have the upper
hand unjustly. Lies set you on the path to crime.
If you want to be a law-abiding, honest citizen, then honesty is the way to
go. It will build your faith, empower your will, and increase your
confidence. It will also ensure that you present your authentic self to others,
and you will attract only those who want to be in your life. You will not
have to live your life pretending or feigning an attitude or putting up a front
as people do for their fake friends. Your life will be peaceful, and you will
enjoy every bit of it.
7. Creating Feelings
One of the greatest discoveries of my life has been that my feelings are the
product of the thoughts I have been having all day. If your thoughts focus
on the positive side of life and on bright, happy things, you are bound to
feel happy about yourself. This goes to show that if you master your
thoughts throughout the day, you will have mastered your feelings.
More than anything, you want to have a happy life by being happy with
who you are and accepting others for who they are. Positive feelings cause
you to feel good, energetic, determined, and able to take action to pursue
and achieve what you want. They improve your relationship with others and
make you likable.
To develop positive feelings, often think about the positive effects the
feelings will bring to your life and the immense changes that could come
from it. Do not allow your mind to engage in negative thoughts and
feelings. When you wake up, before you do anything else, smile and declare
to yourself, “I will have a wonderful day today!” As you go about your day,
look back to the times when you were happy and visualize the joys you will
be having in the days to come, also. If something makes you angry, wait a
while before you react, see if it is worth your attention. Some things are
minor and only need to be ignored.
To remain positive, whenever you meet people you don’t like, try to show
them some positivity. It doesn’t mean that you suddenly become friends; it
only helps to keep you from having negative thoughts. Inspirational quotes,
some funny comedies, and some music will also help keep up the positivity.
Some people even take up meditation to help them get rid of the thoughts
they don’t want. As you get into bed at the end of the day, make another
declaration and say, “I will have an awesome day tomorrow!”
Take up any other habit that makes you feel happy, so long as it does not
hurt or infringe on the happiness of other people.
8. Making and Receiving Good Praise
When it comes to motivating the people around you, or when someone
wants to motivate you offering praise and recognition can have quite a
positive effect. We all feel good when others praise us. This kind of
recognition brings up feelings of pride, pressure, and raises a person’s self-
esteem. This is because praise releases a burst of dopamine, the feel-good
hormone that controls pleasure and reward centers in the brain. The result is
a good feeling that could change the trajectory of a person’s life, change his
self-image or at the very least, brighten his day.
On the other hand, the wrong praise, delivered at the wrong time, in the
wrong company can be quite devastating. It can crush a man, crush his
spirit, and crush his esteem. For this reason, when thinking about offering
praise to someone, there are key factors you need to consider.
The first is that at the very least, your praise should have the name of the
person you are recognizing, mention the specific thing you are praising him
or her for, and it should be sincere. Mentioning a name conveys respect and
special recognition. Mentioning the specifics makes the praise sound more
sincere as opposed to a vague recognition. All praise should be sincere
because if it is not true, then it is flattery. Flattery manipulates people’s
emotions because it uses empty and false praise. Praise only has meaning
when it comes from someone whose opinion you value, and often, you
value that person’s opinion because you trust that the person is sincere.
If you are receiving praise, how you accept it matters a lot. The way to
accept praise is to show that you have received and accepted it. A simple
acknowledgment statement like, “Thank you, I worked hard on this one”
will suffice. If other people contributed to this success, mention their names
as well, and say how instrumental they were. Another critical factor is to
mind your body language as you receive and acknowledge the compliment.
Sit up straight, and maintain eye contact.
Conclusion
Thank you for making it through to the end of Effective Communication:
Communication Skills Training. A Guide To Effective Communication Skills
For Couples, With Friends, In the Workplace And Improve The Nonviolent
Communication. Let’s hope it was informative and able to provide you with
all of the tools you need to achieve your goals whatever they may be.
Communication is an intricate part of all relationships we develop as human
beings, and for the relationships to go well, our communication must be
effective.
From your reading, you have read that communication is not just about the
words you speak, as many people tend to think, it also has to do with the
body language you present and the expression of your emotions through the
attitudes and tone you present. In fact, experts say that words were spoken
only contribute to a small proportion of the communication, but body
language, attitude, and tone carry the day. Therefore, it is essential that you
know how to present yourself so that the actions of your body reflect the
words that you speak, and this book comprehensively covers every part,
nuke, and cranny that pertains to communication to help you convey your
exact thoughts and feelings without having to clear up on issues or
repeating your statements.
With all this knowledge at your disposal, the next step is to consciously
examine your communication skills to identify areas that need
improvement. During the course of your reading, you must have learned
quite a number of things or realized that you were doing some things
wrong. The necessary step now is to take up all that knowledge and make it
part of your communication. Be sincere, empathetic, trustworthy, listen to
people better, and know how to interpret body language.
Become an effective communicator to better the relationship you have with
your colleagues at work, your bosses, your family, spouse, friends, and the
people you meet. I am sure that your effective communication will make
you more charismatic, friendly, and trustworthy.
Finally, if you found this book useful in any way, a review on Amazon is
always appreciated!
Conversation Skills
Introduction
Thank you for purchasing this book. There are so many books that talk
about these communication skills but you settling for this one is about to
turn your communication world around. This book handles all the matters
concerning effective communication between individuals with an intent to
pass information from one person to the next. It also covers how
communication affects our daily human lives. Find out some barriers to
communication and how you can deal with them. The book also covers the
matter of fear of people and the reasons we avoid people. You also get to
find out core conversation skills and why listening is very essential in the
world of communication. Learn about non-verbal skills. That means how to
recognizing and act on them. Know what each non-verbal skill might mean.
You can also learn how to improve your non-verbal skills from this book.
Get to know the common rules, practices and even mistakes that are
associated with making conversations. Learn what words are appropriate in
that situation. This book helps you to make new friends and to become a
better friend. There are tips on how to maintain your friendships. There also
ways in which you can be a social magnet. This is something that most
people desire. This is because they like the company people give. This book
helps you to be a better negotiator. That comes with you being better at your
communication with others. Learn the importance of critical or crucial
conversations in your life. These mean very important conversations. There
is also the power of dialogue which is discussed in this book. For further
information then proceed reading the content of the book.
CHAPTER 1: How to Deal with
Shyness, Anxiety, and Insecurity
It is a no-brainer that Communication is the most important aspect of
human life. This is something we cannot live without at all. It helps us to
pass on information from one person to another. Communication is faced
with some barriers. The barriers can be physical, emotional, mental or even
psychological. In this case, we look at shyness, anxiety, and insecurity at a
larger scale.
How Shyness, Anxiety, and Insecurity Affect Communication.
Shyness is one barrier to communication. Shyness can be defined as the fear
of someone being able to express themselves. This means that a person is
unable to express their issues to other people or to even a specific person.
With shyness, one is unable to communicate—thus, his or her grievances
are not passed on to others. Their grievances are not the only thing that is
not passed out, another thing that is not a passed out is their opinions on
certain matters.
Anxiety is another barrier. Anxious people are great overthinkers. These
people, therefore, are scared to take a step or to take initiative. Anxiety
causes so many symptoms that lead to someone being slow and afraid of
their different social institutions. Communication for this person becomes
less and less due to fear. They may become antisocial at the end of it all.
Their health may worsen with time as they are away from other people and
their communication with others is rare.
Insecurity is another factor that affects our communication. Insecure people
have trouble trusting others. Communication cannot take place without
trust. Trust is like the ultimate basis of communication and without it then
no communication can take place. Insecure people rarely have any social
bonds like; a working relationship, a stable family relationship or even a
dating relationship. Some people might say they messed up for life,
especially if they do not overcome their own insecurities. These people
cannot communicate easily since they shut off everyone and this is really
unhealthy for them.
All the above hinder communication between people thus good
communication. To understand them one has to know their causes and how
to deal with them eventually.
Causes of Shyness, Anxiety, and Insecurity
Shyness
Shyness can be explained as when a person cannot face others and talk to
them or converse with them. Shyness may be from childhood or from
adolescence where one picks up new things in one's life. Shyness can be
caused by several factors.
The First, factor is negative parenting skills. This is when the parents of a
certain child are always negative towards him or her then the child is likely
to be shy. Also, if the parents of the child support him or her less then
shyness from the child is a likely result. Positive parenting and actively
supportive parents raise very confident children.
Low self-esteem is another causative factor. This is when a person does not
believe in himself or herself. When a person does not believe they can do
something they tend to shut off or they became less outspoken. They are not
like confident people.
Low self-worth is also another factor. Self-worth is how someone perceives
themselves. Low self-worth is brought about mostly by listening to what
people say about oneself and taking it to heart. When one does this, they see
themselves as worthless and useless thus someone cuts off from others.
The last factor is the number of children in a household. Studies have
shown that in a household where there is more than one child, the children
are likely confident but the fewer the children the less the child is going to
be confident. More children mean more scramble for recourses thus the
child will know how to fend for themselves.
Anxiety
What is anxiety? Anxiety is a mental disorder that makes someone’s
interaction with others become less. Anxiety disorders are many; they
include panic disorders, social anxiety disorder, phobias, and generalized
anxiety disorders. The major one concerning the issue of communication is
a social anxiety disorder. This disorder makes one be overly self -conscious
in social institutions and occasions. These disorders are treated by
psychiatric treatment by a professional psychiatrist. Some symptoms that
come about with anxiety include; panic, insomnia (lack of sleep), being
sweaty, dry mouth and dizziness. Anxiety is majorly caused by the stress of
day to day life. If one can avoid stress, then one can avoid being anxious
and always being self –conscious. Life is about loosening up a little for
healthy relationships with oneself and others. Anxiety also has some
diseases strapped to it like high blood pressure due to increased pulse rate.
Insecurity
Insecurity is when one lacks confidence in others. This especially touches
the issue of trust. This lack of confidence makes one second guess everyone
and everything. Insecurity is mostly driven by past experiences with other
people. Its main symptom is that one does not easily get attached to other
people in any way. This is actually bad in the sense that they cannot easily
share a bond with other people. Insecurity has a few causes:
First, the cause of insecurity is an unloving childhood. When one is stuck in
an unloving home as a child it can lead to so much mistrust and
detachments. An example is a child who grew up in the foster system. The
child will probably move from one unloving home to another until they
reach the legal age of 18 years. This causes the child to be so insecure and
he or she will keep wondering why he or she was abandoned by the parents.
Another cause of insecurity is an intimate relationship breakup. This may
majorly affect adolescents and young adults. When one breaks up with their
boyfriend or girlfriend due to some trust issues like infidelity, these make
one be unable to move on. When the affected person tries to get back into
the dating game, he or she is unable to. The past haunts them back and
forth.
Lastly, growing up in a rough neighborhood is another cause. This affects
the children in the neighborhood since they can’t trust anyone. Normally it’s
all about fighting and ganging up. So, when the child finally grows up, he
or she does not know how to trust anyone around them. These people are
normally sensitive even if they show toughness.
There other communication barriers in and around but for now we focused
on the three important ones at hand. All the above barriers affect man
emotionally, mentally and psychologically.
Indications of Shyness, Anxiety, and Insecurity
Shyness
A shy person is unable to face a crowd. Most of them look downwards or
they never look into someone’s eyes while talking to them. They tremble
and shake when they are talking to a crowd. They may also stammer while
talking or slur and the kind that happens when one is drunk.
Anxiety
An anxious person experiences muscle tension. This is due to the stress
incurred to the body from the mind of the person affected. They may also
show signs of being restless. This comes from many worries that a person
has in his or her mind. Other symptoms include fatigue, which is caused by
all the worry and tension. This makes the body of the affected to be very
tired.
Anxiety also makes a person prone to panic attacks. This is a series of
attacks that lead to shortness inbreathe and at times one loses
consciousness. Those who experience them see as if they last longer but
they only last for a few minutes or seconds. Some victims have racing
hearts, which might also cause high blood pressure due to the increased
pulse.
Insecurity
Insecure people often keep away from people this makes one to be a loner.
They prefer to be a solo ride rather than have people around them. With
their trust issues, they prefer doing things on their own. Their trust issues
may extend to anyone even to their families. This makes them push
everyone aside, no matter who you are.
They don’t form relationships since they do not form bonds with others.
Relationships are built on trust and since insecure people are afraid to trust
anyone, they cannot be in any kind relationship. This applies to all
relationships like friendship, marriage.
They are more vulnerable than normal people. Since they are already
broken emotionally, they easily breakdown at some little insensitivity. They
don’t show this side easily, but it actually exists. They hate showing their
emotions to people.
How to Overcome Shyness, Anxiety, and Insecurity
Shyness, anxiety, and insecurity are communication barriers that must be
eradicated. Generally, this is breaking through these given barriers of
communication in order to make communication efficient. These barriers
have so many solutions but we are going to mention and explain a few of
each given barrier so that one may be able to avoid it or get past it.
How to Overcome Shyness
This may sound insane and extremely expressed but some people have
figured a way to overcome their shyness in front of a crowd. People believe
that if they view their audience naked then they will be rid of their shyness
at the moment. I know it seems out of sorts but some people think it works
for them.
Another way is by talking less. When one talks more, they are less likely to
make sense and most of the time end up embarrassing themselves. Being on
point and precisely makes one seem presentable, mature and capable of any
task one is assigned. So, if you are shy keep it short and see how well you
will do it.
Not listening to what others say about you what matters is what you think
of yourself. When one listens to gossip and rumor-mongering and it
happens to be negative then one’s self-esteem is lowered. This makes one
doubt about oneself. When one doesn’t listen to rumors then one remains
confident. This method tries to raise one’s self-worth and self-esteem. If
you do that your confidence will bloom 100%.
Forgetting past mistakes like messing up in front of people. Telling oneself
that happened and it is long gone is the best way of getting through it. Also
is the second time around trying again one would surely not mess up by
learning from the past. The past should be buried in the past to avoid
problems in the future.
Establishing one’s strengths and weaknesses. This helps one to know what
to avoid and what to show while in a conversation with other people. One’s
strengths are supposed to show one’s maximum power and his or her
weaknesses are to show the areas that need working on.
Teaching oneself on small talk. A ‘hey’ is a great way to start up a
conversation or learning people's interests and diving deep into their likes in
a conversation is a way to spice up your conversation. Small talk involves
talking about the First, things that come into mind. This helps one to keep a
live conversation going. After teaching oneself about small talk and
excelling at it. Keep the conversation between you and others alive. Practice
makes perfect is very much applicable in this case.
How to Overcome Anxiety
Exercise is a good way to curb anxiety, which builds up from stress.
Exercise is good and healthy for the body and acts as a relaxing agent for
the mind. An example is a morning jog to clear one’s mind or doing yoga,
which brings in the calmness of mind, body, and soul.
Keeping good company is another way. When one has a great company to
hang out with then one is less stressed out meaning fewer chances of one to
have anxiety issues. This happens since the people in your company will
listen and advise you on your issues. They will also give you a shoulder to
cry on when you need one. They will always have your back.
Drinking some calming tea example; chamomile tea, which is sweet and
has a soothing nature. This keeps the body relaxed and at peace. When the
mind is at peace, so is the body. Caffeine is a great stimulant, which
stimulates and relaxes the mind when taken in the right amounts.
Taking a break like having off days or even vacations. This relaxes one's
mind from daily routine. This is a soothing and most real way to relax. This
is very important since both the body and the mind need a break from the
normal routine for something different and relaxing.
Getting enough sleep. This is sleeping a minimum of 8 hours of sleep. This
allows the brain to recharge for the following day. Rest is very important in
human life. Without rest, the body and mind are both struggle to keep focus,
this is bad if one needs to be active in the day’s activities.
Taking wholeness activities that put your mind at ease like going for
retreats, spa pampering and watching TV are perfect for relaxing. Well, too
much of television is pretty harmful, but a little bit of it is good enough for
relaxing. This is what I call pampering oneself. From time to time our
bodies and mind to be pampered for them to keep ongoing.
Eating healthy. This keeps the body in shape to fight any diseases, thus a
relaxing method. This is a method of taking care of oneself. For the mind to
function properly, then the body must be healthy. A proper diet ensures a
healthy body and mind.
Anxiety is greatly curbed by avoiding stress. Stress is the main causative
agent of anxiety. Anxiety can be avoided by avoiding people’s comments
and insults about oneself and only considering what one feels and not the
rest. When one listens to rumors, especially the negative ones, one wants to
fix everything that was said wrong. This leads to frustration, which makes
someone anxious. Rumors should, therefore, be ignored for the better.
How to Overcome Insecurity
Not getting too attached to people too much. To avoid being emotionally
scarred by people close to you one has to not fully attach themselves to
these people. I didn’t say you cannot love them no I just said one should
understand their human nature. This means people come and leave, grow
up, may never say sorry, they may flourish or falter. That just reminds us
that the people we love are just human and are bound to make mistakes.
Going through therapy. This mostly applies to those who grew up being
unloved. In order to overcome the pains in the past one must face them in
order to look to the future. Therapy just helps one to muddle through that
childhood trauma. Through therapy one opens up to new opportunities and
change, hence the insecurities can change to some trust. This is a great way
to start a new one.
Learning to trust oneself. This is the key to trusting others. Once someone is
able and willing to trust themselves then and only then will they be able to
willingly trust others truly. Trust must come from within for it to be shared
with others.
Understanding oneself First, For one to flourish in believing in others, then
they must First, ask themselves this question; who am I? What do I seek to
accomplish? Why am I here? These questions bring a person to fully
understand their purpose, hence understanding themselves. For one to
understand others one must understand oneself for better communication.
Not expecting too much from people. This basically means that one should
not expect anything from anyone apart from themselves. This is a great way
to avoid pain and hurt caused by other people. It works for people in
intimate relationships. Trust someone but do not expect the earth and the
moon from them. Insecurity has many more causes most of them are
psychologically built-in. They're mostly caused by trauma and can be
overcome by therapy by a professional.
Consequences of Anxiety, Insecurity, and Shyness
It interferes with socialization. Making new friends becomes more difficult.
These fears tend to push the victims further away from the real world. All
the victims want to do is be alone with their problems and insecurities.
They forget to live normally and become like an island of their own.
One misses out on great opportunities. An example is losing a great job
since one cannot communicate properly. Since the victims cannot express
themselves clearly, they get surpassed by cool and confident people. This
mainly happens on job interviews thus they become even more
disappointed with life at large.
They may cause health effects. This mainly affects people with anxiety and
also increased shyness leads to paranoia. Anxiety causes high blood
pressure due to the increase in heart rate and pulse rate.
Low self-esteem is another consequence. This is because one cannot trust
himself or herself. This is where a person loses his or her confidence thus
making oneself be very reserved and enclosed.
One may lack life direction which mainly comes from different friends’
opinions and advice. Without those two, then havoc reigns.
If one is not careful these fears then they can easily take control of one’s
life. They are easily manageable, but also can be a pain in the neck if
someone does not take action once, he sees the problem at hand. The
mindset of a particular person to change and acceptance of letting go of the
fear makes it easier to curb the fear. It may be slow but it graduates slowly
by slowly. This chapter gives awareness and guidance to people enclosed
by these fears. It also enables one to take action by choosing to be confident
and brave. The more we fight these fears, the better face to face
communication becomes.
CHAPTER 2: How Not to Avoid
People and the Fear Overcome of
Talking to Them
Talking to people is easy but also hard. Confidence is majorly important in
communication. Without confidence, communication is impossible. It is an
art that is learned slowly and through the process of life. For some people,
communication comes easy and for others, it’s a struggle, but since it’s an
art it can easily be learned by anyone and at any age. For one to be great at
communication they must identify their charm. What do l mean by this?
This means that everyone has a special charm. For instance: some people
have a positive sight of things when they talk while others always know the
right words to say in a particular situation. When one figures their charm or
what they can bring to the table, then communication will come easily.
Communication is like riding a horse in which one has to take up the reigns
and control them or steer them to one’s liking.
Someone may ask is it possible to avoid people? It is possible to avoid
people, someone may actually live in their own bubble and choose to ignore
everything around them. This seems lonely and unhealthy and yes, it is.
This chapter will cover ways on how to overcome avoid people. People
who are afraid of communication mostly avoiding others to avoid
communication. They do this as a mechanism to deal with their fear. In this
chapter, I am going to discuss ways on how to deal with the fear of talking
to people and also how not to avoid people.
Why Do People Avoid Others?
Avoiding others is something that happens to people with low self-
confidence. This is a big issue affecting a big chunk of people in the world.
Avoidance is a defense mechanism to shyness mostly. For some people
simply ignoring others in public is easy and being active in social media is
easier. We easily live in a lie or a utopia of covering everything up with
social media like Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter among others. This
situation happens in our everyday life and we fail to notice or do nothing
which does not solve the issue at hand. In order to solve the issue at hand,
we must understand why some people avoid others.
First, some people might fear how people look at them or how they might
treat them. People are afraid of being treated cruelly or in the wrong
manner. Human beings are afraid of rejection and tend to hide away from
other human beings to avoid being rejected or being shunned away by
people. Some believe that avoiding people just does them good. This is
called being in a comfort bubble. It means living without problems in the
world and the people in them. It makes someone feel safe and warm, but
one is alone.
People avoid others since they believed that they are stronger alone than
with others. They believe that others bring them down than uplifting them.
They do believe that being alone is the best. They work best at being loners.
Others avoid other people since they cannot believe in them. For example,
if someone constantly lies to you what happens is you ignore them to avoid
further lies by that person.
Another reason is some people tend to keep the conversation about them,
hence people avoid them to reduce hearing them hogging the conversation.
This is greedy and self-centered thus it is boring and annoying. Lastly,
People avoid others since people are unreliable, hence cannot be trusted in
their affairs. This makes people drift away from others. This shows a lack
of trust or confidence in people, which is being insecure in short.
Is Avoiding People Healthy?
This is a good question which each and everyone should ask themselves.
Avoiding people may be healthy or not healthy depending on the situation.
If a person avoids everyone, then that’s unhealthy it can lead to depression,
anxiety, and even stress. Another circumstance is when someone is
avoiding someone who is making them feel bad, then that is healthy it
means one is looking after himself or herself. The company one keeps is
very important to one’s growth. Avoiding someone does not solve any of
someone’s problems, it just covers it.
How to Not Avoid People
To find good ice breakers to start up a conversation. Find a starting point
you and others in a conversation. If one is found, then a conversation is set
to bloom for everyone. An icebreaker is set to keep the conversation
flowing and alive. Trying to be nice to everyone is also another way. When
you are nice then everyone will be nice thus easy for you to talk to
everyone. Being kind to others leads to them offering the same kindness
back and even in abundance.
Avoid being too trusting. This makes life easy, talk to everyone, but the
trust should be a little cut off to avoid being hurt by human unreliability and
negligence. Giving trust to people should be limited most of the time, but it
should be given since trust is the cement of all relationships. No man is an
island; hence man cannot leave alone once they realize then avoiding
people will be a thing of the past. A person lives by being interdependent
with other human beings. Man survives with others by his or her side.
Finding people who share your interests and goals and make friends with
them. This lets someone be close to others easily through those activities.
Like if you like swimming find others who share your passion and be
friends with them. Also, involving oneself with activities example:
swimming, yoga. These activities bring people together, thus building some
concrete relationships. These are extra or pampering activities that bring
people to close together. Lastly, looking nice and appealing to let people
close. Those who look nice appealing many people, thus bring people close
to each other. First, impressions matter. Good looks and great fashion draw
people close to you.
How to Overcome Fear of Talking to People
Fear is something all humans have connected to their lives. Fear of talking
to other people is present in a great percentage of people on earth. Can fear
be cowardice or is it normal? The answer is yes and no. People often fear to
talk to others. For example; when a guy wants to talk to a girl, he likes then
he will be afraid mostly because of her answer. In the case above this to me
is somehow like cowardice. The fear of talking to people is caused by the
result that a person is afraid of the answer he or she is going to receive. If a
person knew how to get past the fear of the inevitable answers then people
would overcome being afraid of conversing with others. This is the main
reason that brings about the fear of talking to people, but what are the other
reasons that cause people to be afraid to talk to others. Here are some:
People might be insecure with other people. This means people having less
confidence with other people. This is associated with trust and reliance.
People understand that others are unreliable thus cannot help them, thus
afraid to ask anything of other people. Also, seeing oneself like someone
who is not worth it. It involves self-worth and self-confidence which some
people may lack leading to self-enclosure. This makes someone to lower
their standards and loses their trust and confidence
Not believing in oneself. Belief comes hand in hand with confidence.
Confidence is needed in talking to others. Without belief in oneself leads to
one being closed up. Another reason is that one believes that his or her
ideas are irrelevant and stupid. This leads one to believe that they have no
say in any matter. One believes everything he or she comes up with is
stupid and that is a sign of a person having low self-esteem.
Looking back to the past where maybe someone pushed them away, thus
they cannot trust other people won’t do the same. Looking back to one’s
past always hinders one from moving forward toward the future. Another
thing is when someone is avoiding being embarrassed when they talk to
someone. Instead of being humiliated the just stay away from people. This
may be due to the fact that they talk too much or are unprepared for the
conversation.
Learning some ice breakers to help you in starting some conversation with
some people. This helps one to keep the conversation going. Another way is
by, starting some hobbies in order to meet new people and explore them
thus human communication. Also, learning to trust oneself, this means
seeing oneself as an important being and communicating too. Believing that
all one’s ideas are meaningful and important thus voicing them out is
another way. This leads to confidence 100 percent.
Calmness and coolness are another point. These attributes make someone
likable to many people. Talking less and bringing more important things to
the table to avoid saying something embarrassing oneself. Also identifying
one’s strengths and weaknesses which will help you soar in your
conversations. Another method is identifying one’s charm which brings out
your pop and uses it to your advantage to wow people when conversing
with them.
Lastly, find talking points to keep the conversation going between you and
others is a great way to not avoid people in day to day life. Also finding
people with similar interest to you and converse with them this is actually
the best way to make friends and to actually bump and be close to other
people.
Consequences of Being Afraid of Talking to Others
This leads to stress. This is because one is lonely and doesn’t have someone
to share things with. Without people in one's life, life becomes dull and
lonely. Life needs one to be surrounded by others in order to make life
worthwhile. Another consequence is that one becomes extra sensitive since
someone does not have someone close to him or her. This is normal for a
person who has so much emotional baggage which he or she has no one to
share with. Also, one becomes lonely. When someone is afraid to talk to
others, he or she does not have any friends. This is caused by someone’s
inability to get past the fear of making friends or talking to other people.
One is termed like a weirdo when someone rarely talks to others. A loner
seems like someone who is different since they are very reserved, unlike
normal people. This fact makes them look weird. This may be termed by
neighbors, and people who see the loner from time to time. Lastly, without
friends by one side then life loses direction making life disastrous. This is
because friends give one advice on matters in someone’s life. You will
realize with time that your friends are wise. Friends also give someone a
shoulder to cry on when it’s necessary.
Being afraid is normal in human beings. It works like a defense mechanism
for anything our bodies dislike. Every human being responds differently to
fear, but all the above measures are ways to curb fears of communication.
Man is nothing without other's support regardless of man's stupidity and
sometimes bad behavior, he is meant to be a social being. If man finally
understands his role in communication and buries his fear, then I say we
would have conquered.
In the 21st century, communication has been made easier but this only
applies to the non-face to face communication. By making this means easier
he made face to face communication very difficult. These fears associated
with face to face communication are simple to curb but seem to be
harboring so many people in the world. The good news is that every
problem has its solution at hand. This book gives you an overview of how
to deal with communication fears.
The non-face to face communication has taken on life, but not in all ways,
for example, work interviews. These kinds of important things that still
need us present and talking to people are the reason that we find a solution
to the fear of communication.
CHAPTER 3: Developing Your
Skills, Getting a Basic Feel for
Conversation and Core Listening
Skills
Communication has a lot of aspects of it which are glued and without them,
there would be no communication. These aspects the means or mode of
communication, sending an elaborate message for the recipient to
understand, also the recipient is key too, the ability of the recipient to
understand the sent message and finally the response to the message. The
aspects give communication the basic feel of being real and effective. If one
of the aspects is absent, then communication will be absent too or will not
take place. All of the aspects are equally important despite their different
roles. Communication happens in our day to day lives. This may be in small
conversations with friends or at work and in a presentation maybe for a
board of directors or at a seminar speaking about a certain topic to a group
of people.
Communication helps to bring people together. It leads to people giving out
messages and receiving them. Communication takes place in many ways.
For example: by phone, by letter and signs too. Communication has made
the world become like a small village this is because one can talk to people
on different continents as themselves. With communication being at the top
of its people easily be can be apart and together. This means that they may
be far from each other physically, but not in their everyday communication.
Communication is a quite interesting and easy subject because of its
diversity. Everyday communication happens and everywhere else.
Communication helps to keep people fresh and new. Every day they expect
something new and vibrant, thus they must experience, new friends and
people every day and this is courtesy.
Communication is what makes humans really human. What I mean is that a
man has language, well-developed one at that he is different from all other
animals. Other animals make sounds and noises, which is their way of
conversing with each other, which is unlike many. This special and it makes
communication in man to be very unique and exciting for everyone to know
and understand. Communication is the component that puts us forward 100
percent. Without it, things would never be smooth. Every day, a man finds a
new way to communicate and he puts it to the test. Normally, these new
ways are majorly easier ways to communicate with other people no matter
where they are. These new ideas come from intelligent people every day.
Intelligence is built up from communication and man’s other success.
This chapter talks about all the communication skills like listening skills,
written skills, verbal and non- verbal skills. The non-verbal skills are
important for communication is based on signs delivered to other people.
Also, this chapter is going to explain the mood or feel relevant in any
conversation. It also gives a feel of everything one needs in a conversation.
Lastly, I am going to dive into the listening skills to try and understand
them as well as to give you, the reader the basic ways to improve your
listening at large.
Developing One’s Communication Skills
As I mentioned before, their different communication skills. These skills
help to improve communication if they are used properly. These skills are:
listening, verbal and non-verbal skills. When these skills are not natured
communication becomes very difficult. So, these skills are working
progress every day to day life. Understanding these skills and their purpose
is the most important starting point for working towards them. Researching
also helps one to develop one’s communication skills. This research should
be about communication and how to go about it at large. Every person has a
duty to learn these skills to keep the conversation between him or her with
other people going. How can we improve these communication skills one
might ask? I will discuss ways on how to nature and improve these
communication skills.
How to Improve Listening Skills in Communication
Listening skills are important in every social institution that is: school, work
or even marriage. They help one person to understand others. They are also
key to solving problems since listening to someone’s grievances is what
makes someone to work on them. Communication is mainly about listening
to others and also responding to them. When someone rarely listens, then
most of the problems between him or her and others are rarely solved. Good
listening skills, earn someone other people’s trust and affection. Listening
skills are also essential when someone gives a high-ranking job. This is
because he or she has to listen to the grievances of other workers.
Characters of a Good Listener
First, they are compassionate. Without this trait, it is hard to listen to others.
Empathy and compassion are key since a good listener. This trait makes a
person less self-centered and a little bit more selfless. With these, a person
has a real knack for listening and solving problems. This trait makes
someone perfect for being a senior at work, school or home. This means
that these compassionate people make excellent leaders and they excel at it.
Secondly, they are open-minded. That means that they are open to new
ideas and also grievances. When someone, whether low ranking to them
comes to them, they are willing to listen. They are aware that everyone has
an idea and it may be relevant. They also believe that all people should have
a say in matters. These are some of the reasons why most of them are
activists fighting for other people’s rights. This trait makes them great
listeners and great problem solvers.
Another characteristic is that they are curious. This hunger for information.
Most of the time this hunger is insatiable, meaning one needs more ideas.
Thus, these people are always open to new and fresh ideas. They will
always listen in order to quench their everyday thirst for knowledge. They
believe listening gives them knowledge and knowledge is power. These
traits make them very considerate which is good when one is listening to
others.
They are also people who keep focus and are not easily distracted. For
someone to listen to something or someone they have to be very attentive.
A great listener is one that keeps focusing on the task of hearing people out.
Keeping the focus on one thing is usually hard for many people, thus this is
a quality with few people. If one possesses this quality then the person is
actually a good listener and even better problem solver. Lastly, a good
listener always asks questions. This helps the listener to understand and
clarify the subject that he or she is listening to. A good listener is also a
good academician thus he or she will ask questions then they will get
answered. This makes them very understanding and also very clear with the
subject at hand. Clarity is a great way to handle things as they should be.
Core Listening Skills
The core listening skills are those skills which comprise of the listening
skills in communication. They are a few core listening skills in a
conversation. First, is the body language which enables one to know
someone’s emotions, even without someone telling them in words? Another
is the responses one gives to the questions asked by others. One’s responses
to questions say so much about them. When someone answers questions
skillfully and diligently it normally means they were attentive. Also,
patience is another core skill. Without patience, one would not be able to
keep listening to people. Listening requires this value for it to work well.
How Does Someone Improve Their Listening Skills?
First, one is by sitting upright when listening to people. This helps one to
focus on the task at hand. Sitting upright and maintaining the right posture
helps one not drift off when one is being spoken to. Another way is by
keeping eye contact with the speaker this also allows someone not to drift
off to other things. Also, people could try to picture what the speaker is
saying. A visual always makes things easy to understand and really clear.
Asking questions is also another way to make someone listen and be alert.
Lastly, be keen and avoiding interrupting so that the message is clear and
understandable.
Verbal and Non-Verbal Communication Skills
Non-verbal skills are the signs and symbols used in communication. They
include facial signs, body posture. They help in making communication
easy and smooth. The emotions of a speaker to the recipient. Verbal skills
are those that are spoken by the speaker to the recipient. Many people
confuse verbal and writing skills, but the difference is very definite. Writing
skills involve writing the words down to the recipient while verbal skills
involve speaking the words to the recipient. This the easiest form of
communication. It may also be the hardest when someone is shy. Shyness
disrupts verbal communication to take place. Verbal skills are very
important since they are the basis of written communication. One writes
what they speak. If someone’s speaking is good, then his or her writing will
be good too. Verbal skills are learned over time in someone’s life. This may
be through the available social institutions like the school, church, and
home and also at work. Verbal skills are very old it was First, made after
man evolved from ape and he made organized societies. Languages are
many or diverse thus they make verbal skills very unique.
The Pros of Verbal Communication
Verbal skills have their own upper hand; this means that it has several
advantages. Verbal communication can be done by anyone at any time. That
means it is not picky and grounds to do it are not minimal or restricted.
Verbal communication may reach a larger audience than other means. For
example, talking on television or radio. The message is less likely to be
misunderstood by anyone who was listening to the speaker keenly. It does
not take up anyone’s time. It, therefore, keeps time for the speaker if he or
she is clear. Also, in verbal communication, there is room for questions and
clarification. In verbal communication what was said in the past can be used
in the future thus it is reliable. Verbal communication is also continuous
which is good for someone who can speak their mind without worry that the
recipient is not decoding the message. All these advantages are very
relevant and they make verbal communication easy and good to be used by
everyone.
The Cons of Verbal Communication
Everything with advantages must have its negative side, which is the
disadvantages. Verbal communication may be disrupted by people who
have different languages being talked to by someone who cannot speak
their language. This makes verbal communication difficult to be
accomplished. Also, verbal communication may not reach everyone who is
required to be reached. This makes it difficult to convey any message.
Verbal communication cannot be referred to in the future, thus unreliable to
sort out future conflicts between two people or more. Verbal
communication is not so clear since the speaker says what he or she is
saying to finish and go eventually. This makes it difficult to look back and
say this is what he or she said.
Writing Skills in Communication
Writing is a method or mode of communication in which someone writes
down what they want to communicate. Writing skills are the most official
form of writing that is available. This mainly used in offices to
communicate, but it may also be used casually for example: writing a
friendly letter to a good friend or writing a text message on one’s electronic
devices. The writing was invented a long time ago for example: in Egypt
there were hieroglyphs. Writing is ancient and still modern because before
writing, communication was either verbal and the use of nonverbal cues.
Writing skills will never be forgotten since it gives a very authentic feel to
the recipient when the sender sends it. This is its own unique feel thus a
very good method to share information with others. Most people anyway
avoid writing off, for example, letters since they perceive them to be long
and tiring. People even found a great replacement for letters. They now
send text messages which are very brief and to the point. They can easily
use short forms to avoid using a lot of time in writing. Writing has been
developed from long to what it is now. It has seen through so many
generations and has served the people very nice and splendidly. Writing is a
beautiful art that people should not give up on and should strive to keep it
and use it wisely as it is special.
The Pros of Written Communication
In written communication, the message is clear and precise. The message
cannot be misunderstood since it is very direct on the message delivered to
the recipient. Another advantage is that written communication can be used
as a clarity point. It can be used to bring out any concerns that anyone
might have on the message. Written communication can be long since it is
written in clear words. Also, written communication easily reliable for
everyone. It can be written in any language, thus makes it easy for everyone
to understand. These are the great attributes of written communication.
Disadvantages of Written Communication
Written communication has as many disadvantages as advantages. What are
the disadvantages of written communication? First, is that written
communication is irrelevant to people who cannot read or write. Written
communication is most suitable for all who can read and write. Another
disadvantage is that when the translation of languages happens some words
may be left out thus translation is not perfect. Also, written communication
may not be used by visually impaired people unless it is a braille form. This
somehow looks like discrimination in its own way and light. Written
communication has so many loopholes that need fixing. These
disadvantages can be worked through ways that improve communication
every day. As much as written communication has its uniqueness it also has
problems to be worked on by us.
How to Improve Written Communication
Written communication has its own disadvantages that need to be worked
on. So what ways can someone improve written communication? First, all
the illiterate people should be taught how to read and write. Translation in
books and papers should be done with the consultation of natives of the
specific languages. Another way is by putting up braille alternatives for
visually impaired people. This helps visually impaired people to get a
chance to read too. Also, written communication can be improved by doing
more research and asking people’s opinions on different matters. Written
communication can also be improved by practicing on the written items so
that one can be perfect.
How Does Someone Improve Their Verbal and Non-Verbal Skills?
First, one should keep in contact with the people one is talking to. This for
one to look trustworthy to the listener. Eye contact keeps a person talking
since someone believes that the person is listening. Another way is by using
the facial expression. The facial expression describes one’s emotions more
than words. Other ways include: keeping a good posture, also listening
without interrupting the speaker and lastly, is being aware of one’s tones at
any given conversation. These two skills can be easily be improved since
most of their solutions are more practical and things one can easily take up
into their own daily lives in terms of their daily activities. Working on these
verbal and non- verbal cues makes someone better at understanding people
when never they talk or whenever they are listening to us.
What Is the Basic Feel for a Conversation?
The feel of a conversation refers to the state of the conversation between
the conversational and conversant the feel of a conversation is based on
whom one is talking to. For example, the feel of a conversation at work is
different than the one at home. Also, the feel of talking, for example to
one’s boss is different than when one is talking to a fellow workman.
Conversations have different channels depending too on who is in the
conversation. Some communications have long channels which others have
short ones. Most of the long channels are the ones belonging to official
business while shorter ones are more of the informal business. Feelings in a
conversation are very relevant and important. The feel should be clear since
it is the mood of the conversation.
Conversations at work are very serious and are very formal. Everyone is
expected to use formal language, to wear formal or official wear and one is
expected to follow the protocols for each and every single procedure
depending on the organization. At home conversations are different this is
because the conversations are very casual. At home, there are no protocols,
but there may be rules. This does not involve what to wear but may have
customs that happen in the home like who will do the chores.
Another set is at school. Conversations in schools are both formal and
informal. This means that a student has to have both in the bag. When a
student is talking to a teacher or lecturer, he or she has to be polite and
formal. The student, while visiting the school offices must be officially
dressed. This is the formal side of the school. When a student is talking to
another student, he or she is not needed to be official. The student’s
relationship is playful and very unofficial or casual anyway you call it.
Students stick together like a pack of wolves which shows unity and
solidarity. Students being among themselves don’t need to worry about
being formal or even acting formally all together.
This sub-topic explains that communication may be formal or casual. It is
easy to fit in a social institution once someone understands the language
used in this different situation. Conversation skills help us understand how
to talk to others and keep a nice conversation with them. They also teach
the basic way to be polite and nice while listening and talking to others. It
also helps us to understand how a conversation works and how it makes
everyone feel and how at the end of the day different social institutions
have different feels of communication.
The conversation skills improvement methods are through fixing the
methods that facilitate communication like fixing the writing, verbal and
nonverbal skills. Once these skills are improved then and only then will the
conversation goodness rate be increased. What is a conversation good rate
one might ask this is the ability of someone to converse with others in a
positive and vibrant rate? Many people are unable to make their
conversations to be good since they may have hindering factors in their
lives like fear pulling them back. A good conversation is made up of the
right attitude, body postures, and facial expressions together with the right
words which bring about a positive 100 percent good conversation.
Conversations are not to be taken lightly. Words that come out of one’s
mouth should be checked since one is not talking to a lot, but a person and a
person have feelings that are very important. Conversations are how we and
others relate and when one makes one wrong move, then the whole thing
blows up in one's face. To avoid this, one has to always be careful,
especially when it comes to conversing with others. The more careful one
is, the safer it is for them.
CHAPTER 4: Recognizing and
Acting on Other People’s
Nonverbal Communication and
Improving Your Own Nonverbal
Communication
What makes nonverbal cues important? This question is raging and very
important. Nonverbal cues are an important part of communication they
enhance more and describe more of the content the speaker is talking about.
Nonverbal cues are signs which mostly show emotion like an angry facial
feature or a restless body posture. They tell more than words can tell. They
are a part of communication and should be learned and natured all the way.
Nonverbal cues together with verbal cues make a conversation without one
of them it feels like something is missing, like missing cake on a special
occasion. Nonverbal cues also make life easy and simple since they easy to
point out at any time. Since we now understand nonverbal cues, how do we
recognize them, act on them and also how do we improve on them for the
purposes of communication?
Examples of Nonverbal Cues in Communication
There many examples of nonverbal cues. First, is the facial expression. This
includes: eye-rolling, creasing of the forehead, pressing of the lips. This is
clearly seen from the face as it is clearly stated in the name. These help one
to figure what someone is feeling by looking just at their face. To
understand what someone is feeling one has to know what each facial
expression means in order for one to know the next step. Also, body posture
is another example. This is expressed by the rest of the body like placing
one’s hand on the waist. The body posture could be from the hands, back,
neck, legs depending on how one wants to convey the message. Nonverbal
means no speaking, but the nonverbal cues are easy to decipher. People
should put some effort into knowing the nonverbal cues from sight and even
in mind for a clear and needed meaning.
How can Someone Recognize Nonverbal Cues?
Nonverbal cues are actions, hence easily noticeable for someone who is
keen. Someone can easily recognize nonverbal cues once they follow these
pointers. First, one has to face the speaker in order for him or her to notice
the nonverbal cues. This is because these nonverbal cues are made by the
body and face, thus easy to identify at any given time only if the person
gives his or her speaker their attention. Another is staying present and
putting your attention to the conversation. This ensures one is attentive and
keen thus makes one notice every nonverbal cue made during the
conversation. Also being sitting in an upright posture which helps one to
focus and to clearly see the person who is talking and seeing how their
bodies and faces change in the course of the conversation. Recognizing
other nonverbal cues brings on how well or best they can easily act on
them. Some may choose to ignore it, but others may be interested in solving
all their problems, hence learn how to act on them so they can move on
maybe from a conflict or how to deal with a certain situation. Recognizing
other people’s nonverbal cues is like understanding the different habits of
different people. This gives someone a clear view of how other people
might react to certain behavior directed towards them by others or by
someone in particular.
Acting on the Nonverbal Cues
It is very easy to notice nonverbal cues. Acting on them is so hard,
especially if you don’t understand them. Decoding these nonverbal cues is
very important and essential in the communication process. If everyone was
able to decipher and decode all nonverbal cues then that would be a
wonderful thing for communication purposes. After recognizing these cues
what is the way to go next? So how does the human being then act on the
nonverbal cues?
First, someone should nod; this is to show that one is listening to the
speaker. It shows how much is attentive and keen. In the long run with
much concentration, one will know how to react to the situation depending
on the nature of the signs. For example, one should be happy if it is a happy
matter and be sad if the matter is sad. If the matter is that the speaker is
annoyed, then know how to calm him or her down. Another way is by
sitting upright to show interest in the matter at hand. This may even be able
to help you solve the matter faster if indeed you understand the matter and
be serious about its 100 percent.
Also, one clearing one’s mind and pushing the rest of the matter aside
makes decoding the matter easy and fast. This ensures that one fully
understands the change in body movement and facial features. One notes
the change in emotions while understanding them. Lastly, one must never
interrupt when the speaker is talking. If one interrupts the conversation then
one disrupts the movements brought about by the conversation. It is easy to
follow all the ways to act to nonverbal cues just as long as one keeps in
mind being attentive is the major key to understanding the nonverbal cues.
Advantages of Nonverbal Cues
First, of all, nonverbal cues are great for people who are hearing impaired it
helps them communicate easily. Since hearing impaired people don’t hear
then the body movement and facial features help one communicate with the
hearing impaired. It also helps in presenting the message clearly since it is
hard to confuse signs and movements. Anger movements and signs are
different from happy and sad movements and signs. Nonverbal cues are
very fast methods to pass on a message. With a flash of a second one facial
sign or body movement could easily give one the whole message at once.
Nonverbal cues also are very helpful to illiterate people. Since an illiterate
person cannot understand the message verbally or in writing, then the
nonverbal cues do it for them.
Disadvantages of Nonverbal Cues
First, is that the nonverbal cues are not very clear, unlike in verbal and
written communication. For its unclearness makes it inefficient. Another
disadvantage is that it is difficult to keep the conversation going since the
body movements and facial expressions may be lost in the process. It is
difficult to understand these nonverbal cues, this may be through cultural
differences and different signs meaning different things. These nonverbal
cues cannot be used in formal situations like in the office of an
organization. This limits their power and usage in the communication
world. Information given through the nonverbal cues may be distorted,
especially if one cannot understand those cues.
Ways to Improve Your Own Nonverbal Cues
There many ways to develop one’s nonverbal cues to become better for
communication purposes. First, is facing the speaker through eye contact
which makes someone very confident. Another way is by being attentive
and relaxed for them to be clear and on point during a conversation. Being
one to receive all ideas and easily working towards them also helps in the
growth of nonverbal cues. Also, listening to others without cutting someone
off is another way of improving one’s nonverbal cues. Nonverbal cues are
very important and ways to improve them are many. The few that have been
given should act as a guideline to establish better or should l say the best
communication. Every way to improve nonverbal cues should give
someone a hint to take to be better at what every man’s life.
Communication is very important to society. It brings newness to everyone
on earth. Communication makes life beautiful since someone talks to
others. Although communication in the 21st Century is a lot more advanced
it is always good to look back and smile at the past communication modes
which have now advanced in the news. This century communication
ensures one is able to meet new people and will talk to them. The people
don’t have to be in the same vicinity as you. The only thing that those
people should share with you is the same goals and interests. This is made
possible by the internet and just by the click of a button.
Communication, in general, requires one to understand both verbal and
nonverbal communication or skills. One must understand how they work in
a conversation, how to act on them and also how to finally improve them.
With this knowledge, one is able to bring a conversation to a whole new
level. Have you ever wondered how communication would be if verbal and
nonverbal cues were never followed? The answer is very simple, the
conversation would be very plain and shadowed in one word that is,
disastrous. To avoid this man has to work to his best ability to get things
right and in order. This is easy for him since man is an orderly being, he
plans ahead this keeps his things in the check.
Nonverbal communication is very informal but it helps with a lot of casual
talks. For example: in a marriage, with parents as they talk to their kind, in
romantic relationships and also among friends.
It helps someone to express freely and one can also blend it with other
words. When one does that then it becomes easy to understand and
communicate with others. Nonverbal communication spices up
communication. It may be used in movie scenes to keep the viewer
watching, so imagine it in real life being used to try and convey a message.
I know it is exciting. Nonverbal communication is old thus one can refer
from the past to improve on its present form.
All aspects or skills in communication are interconnected making
communication like a tree with a lot of branches. This tree which is
communication cannot survive without the branch's help which is
communication skills. Communication skills are indeed resourceful and
should be mastered by all existing people in the world. Communication also
leads to people speaking up. It does not matter whether it is verbal, written
or nonverbal. This has seen people through humanistic goals, liberal and
democratic goals too. This is very inspiring and uplifting. This has also
brought about human activists who believe in communicating or speaking
up on behalf of others. This may be about voting, rights of the people or all
of them at once. This is the beautiful thing about communication in human
life. It also keeps us informed at all times about different matters.
Chapter 5: The Meaning, Rules,
and Mistakes When Making a
Conversation
Conversations should be one of the ways people communicate; it can be
among friends, family members, workmates, couples, or friends. It should
not be so complicated, but rather the participants should have fun
conversing. What happens to most people is that they are always concerned
and worried about how to keep up with a conversation and what to
contribute.
Did you know that keeping up with a conversation is an art? Most people
lack conversational skills; the good thing is there are numerous books,
articles, and magazines that can help with that.
The conversation is simply termed as talking to another person, mostly in
an informal way. Why should a person consider it hard to do? Historically,
people would sit down and talk, but due to the influx of technology, this is
outdated. Social media has incredibly grown and overshadowed past
cultures. For any habit, behavior, or plan to prosper, it is important to follow
rules like:
Have a Balanced Conversation
The conversation is two-way traffic, not about only one person in the
conversation. Giving the other person time and a chance to speak. There is a
belief that monologue gives direct instructions rather than it being
communicated. There should be a balance between the person listening and
the person talking. Social media is a powerful tool of communication, but it
is definitely not a conversation path. Most people share their views, wait for
other members to comment, and then they respond to comments. It is not
like a one-on-one conversation, where you will ask a question and the other
person replies.
Ensure That You Are Polite and Friendly
It guarantees the communication to go well and a long way into the
conversation. Try to be nice and always put on a smile, most people prefer a
person who is friendly and likes having people around. Ensure you always
build a positive rapport, establish a common ground, smile and have
positive body language. Always be nice to everyone and avoid unpleasant
words when describing anyone.
Always Ensure You Are Responsive
When you respond to what the other person has said, it means you are
exercising active listening. It is not polite to just switch off when people are
talking then assume them and answer back. Even though most people now
acknowledge that, but they do that most of the time. It is imperative to
focus is being said by the other person, and be keen on their body language.
Conversations Mistakes
As earlier outlined, having a great conversation requires skills and
following the lay-down rules. No one was born with magical skills and the
gifts enabling them to maintain a great conversation. They depend on
maintaining the skills they have acquired and developing them. Everyone is
bound to make mistakes; it is also possible when having a conversation.
Exercise Active Listening rather than just Speaking
Being a good listener is important; it involves ensuring that you actively
listen to what the other person says. It is mostly about the body language
used. How you respond when contributing to the conversation. Ensure you
ask questions based on what the other person says ad what you hear.
Showing interest in what the other person is saying, and responding to
statements that relate. To illustrate that you are paying attention, ensure you
comment positively. Keep asking questions and repeat the key comments.
Always ask questions, then carrying on with the conversation.
Avoid Asking Too Many Questions
When asking a series of distracting questions, one can come across as if
they are interrogating the others. Even if they are genuine questions, ensure
you pause and listen First, Allow the other party to speak and that they
express themselves, and make sure the questions are relevant.
Avoid Talking Too Much
When you speak too much, it is normally a sign of being nervous. You will
have a hard time expressing yourself, and even getting people to understand
your points. Other people are more likely to tune you out, ensure you
convey the right information at the right time. It is okay to practice what
you want to say before speaking it out. Prepare yourself before you face
other people, this enhances self-confidence to face people and express
yourself.
Listen First, to Your Words
Ensure you listen to what you are telling other people First, Do not make
people think that you are just filling up space. Moreover, they cannot get the
value of the conversation; be prepared and well informed. Always think of
ways that have value addition and interest in the conversation. A major tip
has been, always think before you speak. “Taste your words, before you spit
them.”
Do Not Dominate a Conversation
It will always lead to arguments when there is dominance used. Not every
time you express your opinion, you are right. It will end up being a
monologue rather than a dialogue; know that each person is entitled to their
opinion. Do not force people to agree with what you want or you are
saying. That habit will make people walk away and not be interested. Make
it a habit of listening to other people’s points of view; be humble and true.
Do Not Lack of Confidence
When having a conversation and one lacks self-confidence, it makes one
shaky and not true to their words. Possessing enough confidence goes a
long way in delivering information, and expressing the conversation.
Avoid Interruptions
It is rude to interrupt when someone is talking. It is important to ensure that
you let the other person finish talking before voicing any opinion.
Especially in an argument, let the other person finish what they were
saying. Always be courteous because you cared enough to listen to the other
person’s point of view.
Stop Sounding Like an Expert
Do not expect other people to be okay when you keep giving your expert
opinion. Even though you know everything, other people will feel they have
nothing they can contribute. Learn to know things systematically, and little
by little, and allow others to talk about their opinions.
Do Not Get Nervous and Speak Too Fast
With excitement, anyone is bound to speak very fast and say a lot. It affects
the conversation and others may tend not to understand and convey the
information. Speak slowly and confidently and allow time to choose your
words. Familiarize yourself with pauses they will have an impact on your
sentences. Keep in mind with these common mistakes, create a change, a
good habit, influence others and make a difference.
Starting One-On-One Conversations
When starting any conversation, it could be with a friend at a party or
someone you have met at a conference. It could be when walking in the
street, an investor, a customer, you might have a common thing to talk
about and others could miss a thing to talk about. If you have challenges
with starting a conversation with another person, the secret is to always say
something the other person likes to hear and will make them happy. When
you remember that, it will be clear and easy to start any conversation.
You will be able to walk up to someone, speak to him or her politely and
pleasantly, and at the end of the day, you will be able to pick a conversation.
It will be easy to start a chat and carry on with the conversation. To ensure
that the conversation flows, maintain the following:
Talk About a Common Situation
Choose common pickup lines to use, for instance, “This food is delicious,”
and “Did you hear the speech.” Pick a positive situation and talk about it.
Avoid and negative and risky comments on any conversation.
Weather Comments are Always Perfect
Talking about the weather has always been easy and with less negative
consequences. One can talk about the heatwave, the rain showers, or the
cold snap. It is always a good way to start a conversation because the
weather condition is a shared experience. The two people having the
conversation can experience the weather, you can start like, and “This is a
lovely day.”
Always Ask for Information
Even when you know the answer, act like you do not know. For example,
“Do you know what time the next bus leaves,” it is always a great method
to start a conversation with someone and this is because everyone will
always want to use and has offered help.
Ask for Assistance
When you request assistance, people feel recognized to offer help, “Are you
able to grab that bag for me.” “Could you please help me with my bags?”
Always make sure that when asking for assistance it does not cause any
inconveniences, and ensure that the helper is able to provide.
Ensure You Also Offer Assistance
Earlier in the book, we learned that any conversation should be two-way.
Therefore, does offer assistance, it always feels good to extend assistance.
“Do you need a seat?” “Are you in a position to get me that book?” There is
trust built due to the help offered, ensure that you are not doing that in
excess because that can be harmful.
Ask for an Opinion
It feels good when someone wants to ask about his or her opinion, and it
will be exciting to answer. “What did you think of the food?” “Was the
seminar helpful?”
Mention a Common Friend
When a common person known between the parties is mentioned, it creates
trust and belief. For instance, if one of the people involved in a conversation
introduces statements like “The speaker and I went to the same school,” “I
used to work with Rose.” In addition, always ensure that the relationship is
good with the shared friend and not having issues or they are enemies.
Have a Shared Experience
Have common experiences or places like the same neighborhood, same
school, common gym, workplace, and church. This is a good common
ground to start a conversation, and especially when asking for information.
It Is Good to Praise the Listener
A good example can be “I love your work,” it helps when you are not sure
how to converse with a celebrity. Always remember, do not analyze them,
do not flatter them, and offer genuine praises.
Recognize the Listeners Appearance
Always compliment the listener, especially on jewelry, apparel, and
accessories. “That is a beautiful neckpiece.” “That scarf looks great on
you.” Appreciation is good and acknowledgment and they will start being
engaging. Avoid any compliments on physical appearances.
Introduce Yourself
In many cases, making an introduction helps a lot. It may not be appealing
and it is better to have a direct approach. It is important to have gone out of
the way to approach a stranger, which will make the listener feel important;
and make them want to talk more.
Having Deeper Conversations
Not all deep conversations are to belong or in-depth, the most important
thing about deep conversations is that it shows care by supporting the other
person. Small talks and gestures make a big difference, and they expose
inner feelings. They are important since they indicate individual thoughts
and personal milestones. It needs skills to elevate from small talks to
meaningful and deeper conversations. With some controllable conditions, a
meaningful deeper conversation will happen.
A quiet place is advisable and recommended, plenty of time should be set
aside for the conversation to start and flow. There should be a willingness to
ask questions and have a follow up of what the other person is saying. It is
very important to have an open mind and have genuine interactions.
Consider asking for meaningful and personal questions. Personal questions
always work well in a setting that is informal and casual mostly with
friends. Personal questions help to know more about an individual.
Indicates the interest to know them; and what is on their minds. Always
inquire about their past life and experiences; ask questions like, “What was
it growing in that country?” And “what is the most challenging thing have
you ever encountered?”
Ensure you know their vision and goals; you can start by asking them. It
helps to learn their personal values and their plan to move forward. When
they start talking about their goals and dreams, it helps to open up and talk
more about their personal interests and challenges. This type of deeper
conversation mainly involves around their lifestyle, fitness, hobbies, and
career. Questions can be like, “What is your next project,” and “What do
you intend to accomplish in the next five years.”
It can get personal when you ask about their family; it brings out a lot of
personal information. Which helps a lot in deeper conversations; it can start
with simple questions then meaningful one. Questions like, “How big is
your family,” and “How supportive is your family.” Be wise and careful,
this is because not all people are comfortable talking about their families.
Be respectful when they get uncomfortable and they want to change the
subject.
It is advisable to ask questions regarding their career, and the best way to
get information from a person is by asking questions. Asking about this, it
is more of a professional setting; for instance when a workmate asks the
other workmen about their reason to join the company, and if they enjoy
working there.
It is also important to ask about experiences and discussions, contribute to
some information that you know about them. It will be an indication that
you are caring, like adopting a dog, starting a business, or moving to
another house. It is an indication that you were actively listening and have
an interest in their life. It makes them have trust, open up more, and share
more about their life. “How is the neighborhood?” That is one example of a
question you can ask.
Ending Conversations
When ending a conversation, ensure that it is not abrupt and does not seem
rude. It can be with a friend, workmate, or customer who does not have to
seem rude or interested. What do you need to end a conversation with the
right gesture? You always need to end the conversation gracefully.
Always End with a Goodbye and Thank You
It is the easiest approach as direct as it seems, a handshake is also included
and then leaving. “It was nice meeting you” “I’ve enjoyed sharing your
experience” “Have a good day” As simple and direct as it can be and not
sounding rude.
You Can Excuse Yourself
There could be several reasons to give the excuse; to check on the kids or a
family call. “Please excuse me,” ensure you make the actual or appear as
you are making one.
Politely Ask You Need to Meet Other People
This strategy works when you meet someone who knows many people
around an event and wants to speak to all. “I should be meeting other
people this evening,” “Thank you and Goodbye”
Introduce Them to Another Person
This approach seems similar to the strategy earlier illustrated in the book.
Introduce them to another person and then you are free to leave.
Ask Where the Washroom Is
Ask where the WC is and leave and this ends the conversation
automatically. Avoid leaving for the bar instead of the washroom, it will
seem rude and create great misunderstanding.
Offer to Get Drinks
This trick works perfectly and it is an excuse to leave and end the
conversation. “I’m going to get a drink” “Would like me to bring you
anything” It is a polite way to leave and the other person is not likely to
refuse the offer.
Ask for Their Plans Regarding the Next Event
You can politely ask if they will be at the next meeting so that you can
continue with the conversation. “Will you be at the next event?” It is a
quick and short way to signal that you want to leave.
Ask for Their Business Card
It may seem like a simple and obvious approach, but it works. “Could I get
your card” “Maybe I could call you and we complete this conversation?”
Give out Your Card
It means you will have an exchange of cards; anyone can call the other. “Let
me give you my card” It simply means you are ending the conversation.
Ask for Their Social Media Handle
Everyone is on social media nowadays, “I enjoyed spending time with
you,” “May I connect with you on LinkedIn?” It can be a business
connection or personal. Ensure you choose the correct social media
platform in regard to the nature of the interaction. You can connect on
Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter, or Instagram. You can also ask for a card to
signal that the conversation is over.
Real Examples of Conversations
To understand more about the real examples of conversations, it is best to
have a recap on what a conversation is. In simple terms, a conversation
happens between two or more people. It can be chatting, talk or speech, this
is mainly a one-way communication. They do not have to happen one on
one, others can be over the telephone or internet.
It is also important to know the type of conversation when you are talking
to someone. Determined by the direction of the communication; is it two-
way or one-way traffic. It is also important to know the purpose or its tone;
co-operative or competitive.
When the conversation is one-way, it means they are talking to someone.
When it is two-way, it involves both parties talking and listening.
Competitive conversation involves one party concerned about their
perspective, whereas co-operative conversation they are interested in the
opinions of others.
When basing conversation using the tone and direction used, there are four
categories:
Debate
This is the most common form of communication involving two
individuals, a group of people from an opposing side. In such a
conversation, one intends to listen to what the other is saying after which
they may respond in the best way possible. Their response should be
complementary to the demands of the First, speaker. It is a two-way
competitive conversation; whose aim is to win in the argument and
convince other people. The result of the conversation can only be judged by
a third party, an observer, who has no interest in the outcome of any sort.
Dialogue
From time immemorial, a dialogue has dominated the field of
communication. In dialogue, a speaker narrates their statement while
expecting a response from the listening counterpart. It is two-way co-
operative communication; its aim is to make the participants exchange
information on mutual ground and build a relationship with each other.
Discourse
This is a one-way co-operative and the aim is to deliver information from
one speaker to another listener.
Diatribe
This is a competitive one-way conversation; its aim is to show emotions
and share the perspective.
Examples in a Real Situation
A good and real example to illustrate the above-mentioned categories of
conversation include:
Dialogue
This happens when two voters have not decided on their decision, and start
talking about the candidate. They are trying to figure out who they want to
vote for and against which candidate.
Debate
This is a scenario when two members of a family are on opposite sides of
the political party and have arguments over the political candidates.
Discourse
A real example is a professor in a lecture room, giving his lecture on local
and international affairs
Diatribe
A scenario where a voter is angry and declaring their disappointment with
the outcome of the election.
To categorize a conversation, it is to know the type of conversation one is
in; and hence know the conversation purpose. When you know about the
conversation purpose, then it is easy to speak about the conversation. When
the conversation type is misidentified, one can have conversational pitfalls.
Chapter 6: How to know a Good Friend
and Maintaining the Friendship
It takes more than 40 hours to make a casual friend after the First, meeting.
You spend this period with the alleged “friend.” It will take roughly more
than 80 hours to move from a casual friend to a friend. The cycle still
continues, and to become a best friend, takes another 200 hours.
One can be overwhelmed when making new friends, meeting new people,
and maintaining the friendship. When one decides to step out of their
comfort zone and face their fears, it is possible to overcome it. Making
friends should not be that hard, it's just a matter of starting and maintaining
a conversation. The previous chapter has illustrated how to start a
conversation and the importance of self-confidence.
Start a new habit and tendency to visiting social joints, book clubs, and
organizations that allow people to volunteer. These are the places where one
can meet new people, with the same interest making easy to hit it off. Spare
some time, hang out with them, and have the faith and effort to keep the
friendship.
When you have, friends ensure that you are available, go out more often.
Maintain eye contact and when invited to events and social appearances do
miss that out. When you meet new people always make an effort, do not
make it look like someone is forcing you into the friendship.
Introducing the Process of Making Friends
Before making a friend and knowing the process to do that, it is important
to know about the friendship types.
Friends Who Are for the Moment
They are friends that you meet at an event, like a party or dinner or when
traveling. The mutual interest in the event, occasion, or the fun, and now
that is enough to create the friendship. It mainly lasts for that event period
only, and might not even transition to social media connection addition. It is
very superficial and based on physical appearance and topic of interest.
Friends for a Particular Period
Closely explained like the previous type; the only difference is that there is
more interaction between the parties. They have closer relations like being
neighbors, workmates, and members of club or gym. They occasionally
share ideas like weight lifting, neighborhood meetings, and career progress.
They mostly meet over the weekends for drinks and parties and then know
more about the other person’s interests and hobbies.
Based on the shared interests, when they start interacting; this will influence
a positive or negative on the friendship level. This friendship based on their
more they work together or has a program that will find them meeting
again.
Friends Meant for a Lifetime
When you have such a friendship, consider yourself very lucky. How many
people can point out such friends? I bet very few, they mostly comprise of
members of the family. Sometimes, it is from people, who previously had a
real bond they talk about everything. From feelings, interests, dreams, and
work; in this kind of friend one seems very comfortable with themselves.
Are based on sharing private information, their time, trust; respect accorded
to them, their thoughts and privacy is safe. When one is going through a
challenging period, these people will be there for you, no matter what.
All friends always vary in regards to the quality and value; the bottom line
is they all begun with a conversation. So, in short, if you want to make a
friend, be it in any of the types highlighted. The First, step is to go over and
say “Hey!” You will not the mutual interests and likes until you have a
conversation. That will then determine the kind of friendship that you will
have.
Finding the Potential Friends
Most of our friends are people who we interact with often, from work,
school, or nearby neighbors. If you are looking for friends, look close to the
places you frequently visit and there is a possibility of making potential
friends there. The mutual and common interest also enables friendships to
last. As human beings, we get attracted to people, we have similar interests.
This can be a hobby, past experience, cultural and educational background,
career selection and age. When you rule out that, ask yourself. Where can I
find people with the same personality?
Do not limit yourself to the same experiences you have had in the past.
Expand your mind and horizon, and learn from new experiences. Try the
below activities and you may never know:
Enroll in a Class or Join a Club
This is a good way to meet new people, know new interests, like a book
club, sports team, and dinner club. Known websites to help with that,
Meetup.com is one of them. It can assist in meeting local people and
connect easily with people with mutual interest.
Start Walking Your Dog
When on the walk, dog owners always meet and start small talks,
considered as conversations.
Be a Volunteer
As you offer noble services, this is another great way to meet new people. It
helps to develop social skills because of regular practice.
Act as a New Person in the Neighborhood
Ensure you put your familiarity with the area aside, explore the place. You
might meet a new person looking around at the place and you end up
having a similar interest.
Support a Team
When there is a sports team playing, support them. Go to a good bar and
you will enjoy the game as you make friends. When there is a game show,
this means the people gathered to watch have the same interest. It will be
easier and natural to start a conversation.
Attend Current Events
The events include book readings, music recitals, lectures, and an open
gallery. There are community events that can help meet with people with
the same hobbies and interests. Information about the events found in local
papers and library nearby.
Set Your Phone Aside
You can meet friends on social media. Is there any conversation-taking
place? Unplug from your phone and meet real people. Go out there, make
eye contact and start small talks. You never know a stranger may become a
casual friend, and eventually a friend.
Always Ask Questions
It is easy to connect with someone if the questions asked do not yield
enough information. When asking a question, and the answer given in two
words. The chances of a connection to develop are minimal or rather nil.
Rephrase the questions to give more answers. Like asking, “What do you
think of your neighborhood?” Instead of “Where do you live?” The more
people talk the higher the chances of getting more information.
Always be Positive
Avoid complaining all the time about your life. Do not always tell your
friends or workmate for your drama in life. In case this becomes a habit, it
will make friends shy away and get scared to get close. They will think as if
you are always creating drama, love negative energy and will turn them off.
Praise your Friends
When you have a good positive friend, ensure you appreciate them.
Everyone wants to be appreciated and noticed being a good person. This
guarantees better and longer friendship.
Always Remember People’s Names
Forgetting a friend’s name for a short period not considered as dementia. It
can be due to lack of sleep, higher stress level, medical issue, or an
infection. In such a case, considered a normal condition, there are steps
followed to improve the situation:
Commit
It all starts with the victim and starts from the mind, makes a decision to
remember the names of a friend and loved ones. Do not keep on blaming
bad memory; forgetting names is a lack of application. Have the tendency
of committing to yourself that you will remember names after an event or
meeting.
Concentrate
Observe keenness in the First, place and you will be able to have a good
memory. Ensure you are attentive and not distracted, in order to remember
names. The important aspects to remember are. Pay attention to the people’s
names and the impression on the person.
Listen to the name that said, ask again for clarification. Get a crisp
impression of the person to remember their names.
Repeat
Repeating the name has the effect of not forgetting it. Use approaches like
using the name given immediately, sit quietly and silently and repeat the
name, and keep commenting on the name. Use the name occasionally in the
conversation that you are having, bear in mind not to overdo it. When
leaving the function to ensure you use it too and jot it down for reference.
Associate
Always create a reference point, associate the person’s image and their face
where the name applies. If it turns out to be tedious, try to figure out any
image and that will definitely help with the memory.
Deepening New Friendships
In order to deepen friendship, there is a reason to spend more time with
friends. Spend more alone time with them. If it is a neighbor or a workmate,
ensure you occasionally invite them for a drink.
Alumni Meet up
Meet up with alumni in their association or groups and connect more often.
There are always meetings on a regular basis for the college experience is a
common ground. Share old stories, the talks should be easier and simpler.
When they have events sponsored by, ensure you attend them.
Connect with Social Media
If you are active on social media, ensure you look for your friends and
connect with them. Organize for coffee dates rather than having chats on
Twitter and Facebook.
Car Pool Program
A Carpool program works a lot; colleagues can organize for that and
maintain their friendship. It helps with connecting with people in the same
area and it’s a conversation starter.
Extend Unexpected Gestures
It is always good to surprise your loved one and friends, it illustrates
appreciation and love for them. Surprise them with a trip, doing a chore,
and even showing up at work with a surprise is a good gesture.
Offer Gifts
Personalize their gifts, something they have always wanted, and something
you can all do together. It can be tickets to a movie, a concert, a spa, or a
gym.
Take a Trip Together
Choose random places that you have not visited, admire the adventure,
enjoy nature, dine, play, and talk. It is an opportunity to know each other
better as you enjoy each other company.
Plan Activities Together
Enjoy a favorite television show together, listen to music and exchange
books. This is a way to know more about their interests and likes.
Ensure your Exercise Active Listening
When there is an argument, people always vent. It is important for a person
to feel safe talking about their issues, balance on giving out information.
Listen to the other people airing their views and frustration. Trust should be
felt and with few expectations of the other party.
CHAPTER 7: Using the Power
Words to Increase Your
Magnetism, Tactics to Increase
Your Charisma and Transform into
a Social Magnet
Charisma
Most of us think charisma to be a rare quality that is bestowed to a few
lucky souls. Others believe that it belongs to some special people who end
up being highly visible and get rewarded for high positions in the political
world. However, this is a myth as per Olivia Fox Cabane. According to
Cabane, charisma is not an innate trait reserved for a particular group of
people. However, it is a trait that one can develop. In other words, charisma
is something that can be learned as it has everything to do with the mindset
of persons as well as their nonverbal behaviors that are associated with it.
Charisma at times seems like a superficial quality at a glance. However, if
you are keen in observing its traits, you will understand that it is a
combination of power, warmth, and presence. Through that, one can easily
connect with people around their vicinity with ease. Therefore, charisma is
for anyone who has a strong desire for increasing their magnetism as well
as opportunities of increasing their success. It belongs to those who want to
have a more meaningful and engaging character in life by positively
impacting the lives of others.
Take a look at some of the key ideas that can help shy people to become
more engaged as public speakers even in areas they thought they would not
make.
Presence
It is worth noting that even toddlers have charisma. The kids are wide-eyed
and curious. Hence, they can capture the attention of a room full of adults
without even saying a word. Do you remember any time when some of
these toddlers caught our attention? You might be wondering why yet they
did not say even a word. Maybe because they are cute or something.
However, a lot has to do with their presence. During such situations,
toddlers are entirely in that moment, and some magnetism gives the people
around them 100 percent of their attention. Think of someone like Michael
Jordan. When he was playing for the Chicago Bulls in the early 1990s, the
team won two consecutive NBA cups. His focus on each game made a
difference such that he became so contagious among his teammates. His
teammates also elevated their game, and in the long run, they emerged as
winners. Everyone wanted the bulls to win. The aspect explains why his
line of clothing sells well for Nike even after twenty years down the line.
Jordan isn’t different from the toddler. His presence is what makes all the
difference.
In other words, we can say that if someone like Jordan is in the moment, he
is probably thinking about nothing else. It is worth noting that adults are in
most cases in a state of partial continuous attention. Most people are not
fully engaged with their employees or co-workers, their spouses, even their
children let alone the grocery clerks. In other words, people have divided
attention to all the parties that affect their lives. The aspect causes them not
to be charismatic as they would wish. The result is shyness that tends to rob
off our abilities. It is worth noting that for one to master the First, part of
charisma, the substantial presence of someone means a lot.
Many ways can help you become more engaged and overcome the feeling
of being shy. One you need to focus on your breathing. You need First, to
fill your lungs with air and then attend to your senses as you breathe out.
The other practical way of becoming more present is by maintaining eye
contact with those you are speaking to. You don’t have to give them a hard
stare, wear a smile, and engage them in all of your conversations. Be warm
and friendly as you talk to them. The aspect will attract more attention, and
people will be willing to listen to you speak. Some will fall in life with your
voice and maybe starts imitating you. The aspect allows you to understand
that you are imparting something in their lives as well.
The body language we use when communicating reveals an apparent lack of
interest. For instance, if you are speaking to the public and your shoulder is
turned away, it might indicate that you are shy or you are not interested in
what you are trying to explore. Also, if you are easily distracted by texts, it
shows that you are not at the moment. The aspect reveals to the audience,
and they may not be interested in listening to what you are trying to
communicate. Thus, you need to square up your body and the shoulders as
well. Try and look directly at those you are conversing with and maintain
that eye contact. You may not be able to bake to be at the moment always,
but when you have time, make use of it and explore all the lope holes that
might indicate that you are shy.
Power
It is worth noting that power is defined in different ways. However, when it
comes to charisma, authority refers to a perception by others that have
influenced and agency and makes things happen. In most cases, people are
assigned power automatically due to their wealth, the position of authority,
or even physique. However, you don’t have to possess all these aspects to
be convincing. The perception of influence and agency is determined in a
large percentage by the body language as well as the non-verbal cues one
uses. Aspects such as postures, dress as well the voice that one uses
determines the level of attention that one draws for the public. It is good to
widen your stance and open your arms, not like a super-hero but to a
comfortable position. If you are speaking to an audience while sitting, sit in
an upright position. It is also good to know when to listen and when to
speak. Dominating a conversation at times doesn’t make a person be more
powerful.
In most cases, it may have an opposite effect when people realize that the
discussion is taking one side. It is essential to nod your head selectively. At
times one needs to at listening rather than constantly nodding to every idea
that comes across. The other aspect that puts people off is pitching one`s
voice at the end of every sentence rather than increasing it. As you
communicate, think of cues that will increase your perception of personal
power. It is critical to understand that charisma becomes stronger when the
presence, as well as power, are combined with genuine warmth. The aspect
creates a stronger bond between the speaker and the audience. The
conversation becomes livelier, and one gets more attached to it. It increases
the presence of an individual done in the long run the power within the
person is defined as charisma.
Warmth
If you have power, you pose the perception that you can make things
happen. However, if you have kindness, you represent the knowledge that
you will use the control you have for the good of others. It is worth noting
that warmth is similar to the present, you can`t fake it. In other words, you
can Smile and have polite manners as you speak, but you, can`t you can
create a warm atmosphere. The aspect is linked to the fact that warmth
comes from a more profound meaning rather than being a peasant. In other
words, you can quickly tell or notice the presence of someone who has
genuine affection for us. Thus, since one can`t fake presence or warmth, it
is essential to remove all the barriers that hinder the natural heat for others.
In most cases, the most significant barrier that people have with creating
warmth is the attitude that people have on certain aspects. In most cases,
negative minds rob off the heat may create. However, you need to develop
affection with your public and envision yourself as the audience. Feeing
their kindness and accepting their aspect and feel them. Consider the
elements of charisma that you possess and explore your weaknesses. The
element will increase your power and presence in the conversation.
Disciplined
Even if you are shy, you need to be disciplined. You need to train yourself
on the need to be focused, especially when other people are speaking. You
need not be glancing at others or thinking about your busy schedule and
answering messages while someone is talking to you. In the same way,
there is no way you can be speaking to an audience, and you need to be
disciplined. There is no way you will keep talking with your phone and
expect your audience to listen to you. Most of them will be distracted by
your attitudes as well as the behaviors you possess in public. Also, being
charismatic doesn’t necessarily mean that you must speak. There are times
that you ought to listen. In other words, charismatic people often make the
speaker feel as if he or she is the only one in the room. They will do
everything to ensure that they capture the attention of the speaker. The
aspects pave the way for more acceptances, and the other audience may
even elect him or her for the representative position. For instance, if a
political leader is speaking to a particular group of people, a charismatic
person among the audience will ensure that the leader notices their efforts in
capturing what they are trying to speak. In the long run, the other viewer
agrees with him or her, and they might receive a representative position.
The aspect is drawn by their attention as well as the presence they bring
from the conversation.
Convey the Right Message
The best thing about involving a person in the conversation is by mirroring
the body language that fits what they are speaking about. At times, it is
advisable to avid speech patterns such as, uh, or you know. They piss
someone offs, and one may feel uncomfortable speaking to you. If it comes
to agreeing, nod your head systemically. Add phrases as I agree with you at
times. It is not advisable to keep nodding your head even in places where
the speaker or the audience wants you to alter a word. Always be prepared
to learn. Also, if you are the main speaker of the event, being shy doesn’t
mean that you don’t have a chance of learning. Learn to take a positive
mindset for whatever is coming up. There are cases where the audience
tends to be violent or disagree with your statements. You didn’t have to sink
to stop speaking. Listen to them and allow them to take the day as you get
composed. The aspect will enable them to re-accept you and offer their
hatred for you to keep speaking. However, if they disagree or boos, and you
try silencing them by pitching up your voice, you may end up harming
yourself as well as others who might be willing to listen to you. It is worth
noting that you can’t create warmth for everyone in any audience. Other
people will see the negativity on you. Thus, if they boo and you are keen to
sense them, they may heighten their arguments, and you may end up losing
heart.
Be Aware of Feelings
Even if you are shy, you need to be charismatic via the few words you may
be able to speak. However, you need to be very careful with how you treat
the feelings of individuals. You need to acknowledge the presence of other
individuals and try to understand what they are feeling. For instance, if
someone appreciates you as you speak, you may need to pause and say a
sincere thank you. It is important to look directly at the persons and let them
understand that you appreciate their efforts. The aspects give them more
courage and confidence to complement you later. It will also attract the
attention of others who might be seeing their negativity in your speech. You
also need to develop some power of persuasion. In other words, you need to
possess some abilities you can use to motivate others to follow you. You
might be having terrific ideas, but the way you persuade others determines
whether they will follow you. You need to learn about some of the obstacles
that may hinder your audience from understanding some of your non-verbal
cues. At times, it is advisable to use human touch to personalize a
conversation rather than rushing over it. For instance, patting someone on
their back or touching their elbows while making a point may attract the
attention of the person you are speaking to rather than assuming their
feelings.
It is worth noting that just like presence and warmth, you can’t fake
charisma. It is an attitude or behavior that you develop with time. Even if
you are shy, you can learn how to be more charismatic and overcome all
your fears. However, all the steps, as well as the attributes behind being
charismatic need one to work hard and be committed, let alone being
patient. A bodybuilder uses her time and resources to do some weight
lifting here and there and eventually achieves his or her desires. In the same
way, you need to develop some attractions that will increase your
charismatic nature. Learn some of the few words that attract the attention of
your audience quickly.
Creativity is the key to succeed in everything. It is worth noting that every
speaker wishes to attract the attention of his audience and communicate his
or her ideas. However, what brings a difference is the aspect of creativity.
You need to develop some sense of ownership to whatever you are
speaking. The element will allow you to make some sentimental decisions
that will ensure that your presentation is perfect. You may be presenting a
similar piece with someone else. However, what makes the difference is the
way you use some of the non-verbal and increase your presence. For
instance, all of us are speakers in one way or another. But there are good
speakers than others. There are also good and bad teachers. But what makes
a difference is the presentation of ideas. Even if you are shy, you need to
develop some of these aspects that cause one to be charismatic. You might
be having a few words or short speeches to present due to your shyness
nature. But that should not deter you from being charismatic.
You need to be creative and make the best of the time you are given. Don’t
do the obvious, but try and add some uniqueness to attract the attention of
your audience. If you are among the audience, be an active listener, and
communicate the right message. Encourage the speaker by either agreeing
with what they are trying to communicate. You should never underestimate
any one`s feelings. However, leaner to appreciate the efforts of each person.
You don’t have to be dominant or wealthy to be charismatic. However, you
need to be productive with ideas and personalize your conversation to win
the confidence of your audience as well.
CHAPTER 8: Improve to
Negotiate, How to Negotiate,
Characteristics, Problems, Tactics
and Suggestions, and Solutions
Building powerful negotiation skills are critical in becoming a good leader
and deal maker. Various negotiation strategies can help one overcome his or
her shyness nature. You don’t have to assume that you are flowing on the
same page with your counterpart. It is essential to be open-minded and
prepare to learn. Also, creativity is critical in processing negotiation. It is
worth noting wise negotiators spend the time to identify the best alternative
to negotiate an agreement. It is also essential to understand your weakens
and takes some time to improve it. Create a conducive environment that
will enhance a smooth negotiation process. Be inclusive and ensure that the
conversation is not one-sided. Even if you have a great idea, make a point
of listening to the other parties and give them time to air out their thoughts.
The aspect is critical in the sense that it allows you to convince the other
parties on the need to side with your idea.
Take a look at some of the negotiation skills you can utilize and overcome
your shyness attitude.
Preparation
Before any negotiation takes place, a decision has to be made when and
where to meet and discuss the issue at hand. It is essential to set a time limit
to prevent any disagreement. One aspect that is critical in any negotiation is
preparation. Especially if you know that you are shy, you need to invest
some time and prepare your consultation before meeting the other party.
The aspect will help you to compose and have some time to, ensure whether
you will win in the meeting. The stage of preparation involves all the facts
as well as situations that are critical in clarifying your position. For
example, if it is a work situation, all the rules and regulations need to be put
on the table and all the parties need to be over the states. The aspect is
critical in a sense; it allows one top to set some grounds of refusal. Your
premises might be having some policies that will help you to prepare for the
negotiation. It is essential to take all the necessary steps in preparing for the
talks. The aspect is linked to the fact that you will be able to discuss the
disagreement that may prevent you from agreeing. It is also critical to
prepare for the negotiation such that you won’t have a lot of conflicts,
considering something you can quickly decide to earn.
Clarity
It is best to define your path very fast. In other words, you need to be
evident with what you want before you even start the negotiation process.
In most cases, lack of clarity may indicate that you are not interested in
what you are saying. You need to stand by what you say. The aspect is
critical in the sense that it shows the other parties that you are confident
with what you are selling. For instance, if you are selling a part of shoes, at
times, it is good to be rigid with what you say at First, A price quote that is
favorable and starts convincing your client on the need to buy the shoe. The
aspect may be critical in the sense that it will help your counterpart to forget
about the price quoted and focus on the advantages that are highlighted. As
you negotiate, it is good to be clear about what you are saying. There is no
need of being double-minded. Such an aspect makes your counterpart to
doubt whatever you are trying to convince. However, clarity increases the
confidence they have on your items, and you may end up winning in the
conversation.
Discussion
After letting your position known by individuals, it is essential to allow a
quiet conversation that will lead to a final agreement. Some of the critical
skills in the discussing process include questioning as well as clarifying and
listening. You need to be ready to answer some of the questions you might
be asked. This is well achieved in the preparation stage, where you may try
to outline some of the areas that the army needs clarity as well as more
discussion. You may also have top question your counterpart in some of the
areas that you think may need more clarification. The aspect is critical in
the sense that it ensures that your colleague is much involved in the
discussion. It is worth noting that each side should have an equal chance of
representing their ideas. As the other party presents their case, it is wise to
offer a listening ear. The aspect is critical in the sense that you will have
some time to rethink of their presentation and identify some of the areas
that may need clarity. Also, you will be in a good position to counter your
opponent using whatever is presented. One may also identify the lope hopes
that can be utilized to win the negotiation. Especially if you are shy and
might be having some difficulties in presenting your case, make a position
of listening to your parties First, and identify the areas that need to be dealt
with.
Negotiate toward a Win-Winn Situation
A win-win outcome is very critical in any negotiation. Although this may
not always happen, it is good to create such an environment such that each
party will be contented with the agreement or the decision made. It should
be your ultimate goal to have a win-win outcome at the end of your
discussion. The aspect doesn’t mean that you will not have to argue so that
everybody wins. You need to discuss, but avoid being selfish. You need to
listen to the other side of the argument and check whether their idea also
carries some weight. Although you might have to let, your design goes or
chip in for more merit on your side, after listening to the other side of the
story you might have to be relenting and allow the other party to win.
However, you need to compromise on the positive alternatives. In other
words, you need to dwell on the decision that will draw more benefits than
losing. If you will end up benefiting by letting go of the original position,
the better. Thus, it is essential to the way the benefits you will arrive before
making any decision. The aspect will allow you to include the ideas of the
other parties before making the final judgment.
Implementing a Course of Action
From the agreement, a course action needs to be applied to carry through
the decision made. In this stage, some aspects ought to be considered. They
include strategic planning and taking the course of action. Negotiation is
said to be incomplete if a decision is made and a class of work received.
Strategic thinking is critical in the sense that it allows the two parties to
develop a means of ensuring that all the ideas or agreements arrived are
incorporated in the course of action. Strategic planning is also critical in the
sense that it allows one to define the path to be taken for the agreement to
be achieved. The First, aspect that ought to be considered in planning is to
identify the place you are and the target that needs to be met. As a party,
you need to gather a lot of information that will help your maneuverer in
the course of action. It is during this stage that goals are set. The purposes
are arranged about the agreements made.
There are cases where disagreements escalate, and no party is willing to
relent. In such situations, persuasion skills are required. If you are shy, the
best thing to do is to be silent and try to observe the flow of the discussion.
Don’t rush into making the decision. If there are more chances of
negotiations, make a point of persuading the other party on the need to
agree. You may also decide to call for another meeting so as you may
recognize. It is not advisable to create hostility between the parties.
Patience
Good negotiators are always patient. They didn’t judge in making
judgments. However, they remain focused on the main idea and allow all
the parties in the negotiation to speak and present their case. What good
negotiators do is to identify the benefits between the two warring parties.
They then try to identify a common ground that will satisfy all the parties
that are involved. Apart from that, good negotiators always find questions
that are meant for clarity purposes. They will ensure that all the points
discussed are well understood. Thus, as a good negotiator, you need to
develop some sense of ownership and be patient as you negotiate. Ask
questions for clarity to avoid any form of confusion. It is also essential to
have clarity of ideas as you listen to your opponents. The aspects open your
mind such that you will identify the areas that need more discussion or the
areas that bring in more merits.
Active Listening
Even if you are shy, listening doesn’t necessarily need any form of being
courageous. During a conversation, good negotiators listen attentively to the
other parties as they note every point that is put across. Active listening
focuses on body language as well as all verbal communication. It is critical
to interpreting the body language revolved by the negotiators. The aspect is
crucial for identifying presence. Presence in a conversation is vital in
determining how interested one is. In other words, it helps in defining the
interest that one has in the discussion. If you are interested in something,
you will have more chances of convincing the other parties in buying your
idea. Active listening is one of the critical things that negotiators use to
reveal how interested they are in a particular conversation. They are always
charismatic about everything they speak. They are involved in the
negotiation, and they will do all which is requir4d to win the negotiation.
However, active listening doesn’t necessarily mean you have to dominate
the conversation. However, active listening enables one to be in living in
the discussion and quickly identify the merits of the decision made.
Emotional Control
A negotiator must understand when and how to control emotions. It is
worth noting that negotiation on sensitive matters can be frustrating, mainly
if your wish isn’t meant. In most cases, during meetings, your ideas might
be ignored, and you may feel as if you are sidelined. For example, if you
are negotiating with the right supplier, you might be forced to agree with his
or her terms and conditions. The aspect may create some sense of
desperation. However, you don’t have to show you are desperate. Own up
the agreement and try to control your emotions. The aspect is critical in the
sense that it allows you to be persistent and patient.
In most cases, emotions are best portrayed using non-verbal communication
cues. It is essential to aim at solving a problem rather than whining. In other
words, good negotiators use their skills as well as abilities to find a variety
of solutions to the existing issues. Instead of concentrating on the desired
goals of negotiation, one should focus on solving a problem. The aspect
may require breaking down the conversation so as all the parties that are
involved may benefit.
Agreement
An agreement is usually achieved when the viewpoints of both sides, as
well as their interests, are considered. It is critical to involve everyone in the
discussion at hand. In other words, try to be open-minded before making
your decision. Learn to accept and allow the solution or nature to take its
course. You don’t have to be rigid to change. At times you might be having
brilliant ideas, but when it some of the benefits, your thoughts might be
having fewer benefits than you thought. Thus, as you prepare for the
negotiation, be prepared to consider both sides of the agreement. In other
words, you need to set your minds such that your idea may be preferred or
you may end up letting go with your thoughts or opinions. The driving
force should be winning rather than competing.
Ethics and Reliability
The method is chosen, or rather, the decision made should be in line with
the rules and regulations of the nation therein. Thus, as you negotiate, make
a point of referring to what the law of the land claim. The aspect is critical
in the sense that it allows you to have a ground over which you can average
with your counterpart. Both bargaining should be ready to comply with the
rules and regulations of the nation. The negotiator should keep reminding
the other party of the need to operate or argue within the law. All the
unlawful discussions or actions shouldn’t be allowed in the negotiation. The
other aspe4ct that is critical in studies is the aspect6 of reliability. If you are
reliable with what you speak or direct, the audience to gain more
confidence with whatever you are speaking. In most cases, security relies
on the aspect of understanding the law. In other words, good negotiators are
familiar with the law, and they will work toward achiebvi9ng or fulfilling
what the law provides.
In a nutshell, all the aspects of negotiations can be possessed by anyone. In
other words, even if you are shy, you can learn some of these tips and
become a good negotiator. The aspect of using the power of powered is
critical in each negotiation. The other element that is key in negotiation is
creativity. You need to be creative so as you can win in the talk. However,
winning shouldn’t be the only aim of bargaining. Be inclusive and ensure
that the conversation is not one-sided. Even if you have a great idea, make a
point of listening to the other parties and give them time to air out their
thoughts, although you might have to let your design go or chip in for more
merit on your side, after listening to the other side of the story you might
have to be relenting and allow the other party to win. Accept to learn and
will enable the solution or nature to take its course. You don’t have to be
rigid to change. At times you might be having brilliant ideas, but when it
some of the benefits, your thoughts might be having fewer benefits than you
thought. Active listening is one of the critical things that negotiators use to
reveal how interested they are in a particular conversation. They are always
charismatic about everything they speak. They are involved in the
negotiation, and they will do all which is required to win the negotiation. As
a good negotiator, you need to develop some sense of ownership and be
patient as you negotiate. Ask questions for clarity to avoid any form of
confusion. It is also essential to have clarity of ideas as you listen to your
opponents and be ready to learn.
CHAPTER 9: Crucial
Conversation
Crucial conversation can be described as a dialogue between two or more
persons when emotions are high, opinions differ and odds are high. Crucial
conversation can also be referred to as a critical conversation. Crucial
conversations cut across different categories including both at home and
workplaces. This is because it helps to accomplish desired results in stuck
situations at any premise. People are encouraged to learn this skill set
because it enables people to face any situation with anyone.
There are three main things one can do during crucial conversations. One
can shun them, one can face them and poorly handle them or one can face
them and successfully handle them. However, the odds of handling it poorly
is high when the situation is more vital. People tend to absorb many things
and keep it themselves until they can take it in and they explode. Basically,
people oscillate between silence and violence if a crucial conversation is not
held or held poorly.
One doesn’t have to physically attack the opposing party. Someone can
attack the other opposing party ideas and feelings. If crucial conversation
fails, detrimental effects can be seen in people careers, surrounding
communities, personal health and one's relationship to others
Characteristics of Critical Conversations
1. Differences in opinion
This is a term used to describe differences between two parties. This can be
elucidated by an employee having a conversation with the manager over an
increment of salary or a possible job promotion. The rift is then encountered
when the boss thinks the employee is not entitled to promotion or pay rise.
2. Stakes are high
Critical conversations have high loss probability because of the risk factors
involved. A clear depiction is seen when one is in a boardroom with
colleagues, he or she is forced to cling to an orthodox idea different from
the rest of the group for the firm to hit its targets.
3. Emotions run strong
The high-intensity level of emotion is a characteristic of critical
communication. One tends to be furious when information relayed to him
or her is false and it involves a close party. It can be shown by a man or a
lady accusing the lover of infidelity.
Reasons Why Crucial Conversations Tend to Fail
1. Fight or Flight
This a violent force caused by acute stress over an issue. An event of fight
or flight in the event of crucial conversation is that it leads to violence. This
makes it even difficult to find a common background on the issue. Thus, it
can lead to failure in a crucial conversation. People tend to resolve to fight
over issues and this can even lead to injuries or death of those fighting.
Having the ability to control anger helps both parties maintain peace as
talks are ongoing. This helps disagreeing parties find amicable solutions.
Scientific research proves that in a stressful situation, the adrenaline is also
known as the ephedrine and morphine hormone overflows in the brain. The
hormone acts as a switch. It triggers the turning off the part of the brain that
reasons and then turns on the gateway part of the lower brain known as the
amygdala. This effect has several responses. One’s response time happens
to be quicker, hearing is improved and sight becomes accurate. However, it
drops the verbal skills of anyone. The circumstance is great if one is in
combat with a predator, but not favorable with a boss, colleague, spouse or
friend.
Critical conversations have high odds to put people on the flight and fight
situations. To avoid these situations, people are advised not to resolute to
violence or keeping so much to themselves. Not being able to open up
freely can lead to one being explosive within no time. People are
encouraged to develop good strategies and skills when faced with critical
conversations. These can be leveraged in solving problems.
2. Time Pressure
We certainly are in a world where people try to make the most out of the
time we have. We certainly try to expand the number of activities done in
certain limited time and try having them done effectively. Such action has,
however, creating excessive pressure on people's relationships both at home
and workplaces.
Time pressure occurs when parties having crucial conversation think they
have limited time to resolve issues, Lack of time is one major cause of
conflicts across the world. Critical conversation can be held, but it could be
difficult to find a solution if one or both parties do not have time or are
impatient. It has seen a rise of phrases such as, ‘He/ She did not create time
to listen to my grievances...” It is because it is a significant factor in
negotiations between people despite it being a scarce resource.
For people having a critical conversation will tend to find a solution if more
time is created to find solutions to issues. For people in critical conversation
weather one with a manager, a friend or a family member, one is advised to
create an air bubble of time, then find a good place and talk lengthily in
calmness about relevant issues.
Hasty decisions made out of rush tend to have a negative impact. This leads
to the failure of crucial issues as some delicate matters can be left out of the
table for discussion. Crucial matters need adequate time, so as to find long-
lasting solutions. Adequate time without any hurry gives both parties time
to talk about even the smallest issue and time to find better solutions for
everything.
However, time is not supposed to be used as a pitfall. Therefore, it is
favorable if more time is taken depending on how long the issue had last.
This is made to have a perfect time to reflect and have a quality
conversation over the issue at stake.
3. Uncertainty on How to React
The confusion of not having a perfect way to react tends to deflate people to
react differently. There are some actions people will expose that might give
opposite feedback. This is because there is always an element of uncertainty
over the action or future. The uncertainty is due to the nature of human
beings not having perfect information or insight.
People have different views on the uncertain situation. Some view it as
crippling while others find a way to maneuver the uncertain situation to a
point of light. There are two important ways one can move past, uncertain
situation than getting stuck in the situation.
Rational Doubt
There are moments when uncertainty reveals to us that one has inadequate
insight to give us a proper bearing on decisions made during critical
conversations. Therefore, one is encouraged by the father to educate
themselves. A person who spent more time on research before having a
crucial conversation has a high chance of finding solutions to the issue.
Rational Faith
Regardless of the quantity of information gathered, one can never have a
true picture of the decision on the crucial conversation to be undertaken.
Things tend to fall into analysis paralysis if we have a tendency to
overthink. It is a position where uncertainty makes one chase endless
available information and knowledge without taking any action into
account.
In every decision, one has to take some leap of faith before it is made. It is
because of the levels of uncertainty. The levels of uncertainty are caused by:
a) Imperfect knowledge: One can never know detailed information
going into the critical conversation so it is best if one acts on
imperfect knowledge on the issue.
b) Time constraint: If one waits for so long to make a decision, then
he or she can miss the opportunity to make it.
c) The downward spiral of inaction: Information can be sourced
from books, videos or other people. However, sometimes you need
to just take action, grow and learn from the choices made from the
critical conversation.
These are the things making it clear that some measure of uncertainty is
seen in several critical conversations.
Uncertainty can either make on to step back to move forward. Rational
reactions to uncertainty are doubt and faith. When in doubt one tends to
step back and put everything to a halt before taking an action until he or she
has gathered enough information. When there is faith, one has the
motivation to move forward with the planned course of action despite not
having all the facts. Both these acts have to be learned because they are
vital purposes of the human mind.
4. They are spontaneous.
Critical conversations tend to happen out of the blues continuously. They
tend to catch up to people by surprise. Lack of ability may lead to failure of
the conversation since one cannot refer to anything or anybody. This, in
turn, leads to poor decision making hence failure of a critical conversation.
Importance of Critical Conversation
1. It improves relations
Critical conversations have a depth impact on relationships. A survey shows
that when you ask somebody about the reason why couples break up,
Reason is because of indifferences of opinion. Generally, people have a
different way of how they manage their lives from finances, time and
relationships. It becomes a critical conversation when people open up and
the views are divergent.
Mastering the art of criticism
2. It helps in kick-starting a career
Over the years, individuals who make things get done and can build lasting
relationships with people have mastered the art of critical conversation.
People who have mastered critical conversations are mostly termed as
influential. Most of the employees with a high - performance index can be
able to stand up to their bosses and air out their issues without having career
suicides. This despite most people having career suicides
There are some uncouth behavioral patterns or hot topics that even friends
find it difficult to talk about one has to stand out and speak about. This
doesn’t limit someone standing up to correct those in the higher ranks of
power. It reaches a point when one doesn’t have to make a choice between
being effective and being honest. People who go-ahead to hold critical
conversations boldly and handle them well have a great chance of
expressing their opinions over risky topics. They are able to get their
spouses, bosses or peers’ attention and give direct reports with neither of
these parties getting offended or angry.
3. Improves an organization
Good organizations that have maintained a high class have been steered by
great performance management systems. Any company that aims to
succeed has to aim at revamping its systems on performance management.
However, it is not the only backbone to a successful organization because
some organizations were successful because of how they handled critical
conversations. In high ranking organizations, when an employee fails to
deliver on their promises, colleagues are willing to step up and discuss the
matter at stake.
In the worst companies, such crucial conversations are often ignored and
the problem left to hang. However, in great companies, bosses tend to find
solutions to the issues during critical conversations affecting employees.
Everyone is held accountable regardless of the position or ranks in great
companies. The path to improved productivity in a company or firm is done
through face to face conversations on every issue. Good companies have a
good skill set to settle these issues through critical conversations such as:
Safety: When someone goes in contrary to what the company
expects of him or her, the First, person to realize the issue is
supposed to hold a critical conversation. This is despite the rank or
level one holds.
Productivity: If an employee doesn’t work up to his or her
expectation, a critical conversation is then held and the parties
affected to find solutions.
Diversity: When one feels offended or threatened, he or she
expertly holds talks with the other party and amicably find
solutions.
Quality: Companies with good and quality rules, problems are
discussed face to face and solutions found
4. Revitalizes communities
How issues are handled in communities is what distinguishes good
communities and best communities. This is despite both communities
having issues. The difference comes up on how critical conversations are
held. Various groups find an amicable way of having crucial talks in the
best communities. They then make sure that they achieve an agreed solution
on the issue. However, if such steps are not adhered to, communities tend to
pay heftily during meetings. People tend to insult each other because of
divergent views which can lead to fights too.
This behavior, both in public and private has an impact on the health of the
community. Unruly behavior observed in a community has an influence on
kids. A survey conducted shows that some people became criminals
because of the surrounding social environment. Violence shapes a kid to the
wrong growth pattern of a person.
5. Improves personal health
A research conducted by Dr. Janice Keicolt-Glaser and Dr. Ronald Glaser
conducted groundbreaking research. It focused on the immune system of
couples who had been married for forty years. It compared those who
solved their issues amicably and those who argued mostly. It proved that
those who had failed to solve their issues routinely had weaker immune
systems. This weak immune system leads to a detrimental in these couple
health status
CHAPTER 10: The Power of
Dialogue
Dialogue is a conversation between two or more parties over an issue. It can
also be described as a form of communication with a target of pushing for
common information and a similar purpose. Dialogues have been given an
upper hand in the society today since it is important in closing deals
between companies, countries, partners or continents. Time has made
people change how they view conversations and making them smart at it.
People need to overcome differences, build on common grounds and set
good trajectories together.
This was a concept that was brought to light by Greeks. They believed that
an individual was not intelligent if he or she did not reason with other
people. Having got to think together as a group made people unearth and
realize the truth of themselves. Greeks were sure that if two people were not
certain of their thoughts, by probing each other they would be able to
achieve a greater milestone one party couldn’t. If these parties question
each other cautiously and with great fines analyze their ideas, searching for
the varying points they can attain deep insight. This can be possible if the
process is calm, orderly and peaceful.
Dialogue is a time confused with other types of discourse. However, the
dialogue has its own unique category of discourse. It is differentiated from
debate since people do not argue for a certain point of view, protect a set of
hypotheses or criticize other people's positions. It is also different from
negotiation since it is not aimed at arriving at an agreement. Dialogue is
also different from a discussion because it can only come into existence
when participants have a deep understanding. Participants have to leave out
their judgmental side and be keen to all angles talked about.
However, there are times when people in the modern community are not
focused on genuine understanding. These are moments when people do not
understand each other. It makes the dialogue to be a monologue. People fire
information like bullets in a gun at each other across the internet, text
messages, tweets or blogs against us. Adrift in a community can be realized
because none of us is paying attention to the other party. Noisy chatters can
be a good illustration of how sometimes we fail to engage each other in
genuine conversations.
Presence of inadequate genuine understanding, the fake dialogue has come
into existence. Faked dialogue has seen the rise of showmanship. Separate
groups of people have engaged in dialogue for a sole reason for publicity. It
has been observed that conflicting parties can have quality time available to
dialogue on matters at hand; however, most important topics tend to be
avoided. They're also named consultations that are publicly termed as
dialogues, but nothing takes place in private places.
Governing Principles of a Dialogue
Dialogue like other forms of communication has governing principles.
These are fundamental guidelines that help the dialogue process to be
successful. The key principles include:
1. Inclusiveness
The process of dialogue id democratic, hence it has to be inclusive. This is
because every detail of social expressions has to be listened to from
political, social, and economic to military expressions. If the process is not
included, then it can sabotage the dialogue process. Hence, it can lead to a
corrupt outcome of the process. Inclusiveness also cuts across the parties
that feel marginalized in a group, society or relationship. Inclusiveness
helps the dialogue process to be sustainable from the solutions achieved.
2. Joint ownership
Joint ownership brings on board the criterion that the dialogue process has
to assured not to be an act of one party but the all-inclusive process. This
can be depicted by a government tiring to accomplish its agenda to the
citizens. The process holds the notion that everybody is represented and
engaged equally. It is described in two ways since no party is dictating to
each other.
Ownership is easily promised through dialogue since the process is
inclusive and engaging. Change and reforms prove to be futile when
ownership of the process is not guaranteed. A great milestone can be
achieved compared to other experiences. This because both parties involved
tend to take matters forward and remarkable solutions achieved because of
joint ownership.
3. Learning
Dialogues create a platform for several people to learn. It is possible for
people self reflects on the past and think about the future critically. People
are then enabled to see the truth in each other's point of thought. This can be
very helpful also for the public to realize on development of truth which can
have positive feedback.
Dialogue is all about the unfolding of the minds and not the physical act of
talking. This weighty principle tries to depict how the dialogue process
focuses more on interaction. This can also distinguish between fake and real
dialogue. This is because it is unlike conversations where people seek to
win. Learning helps to discern between fake dialogue and legitimate
dialogue. There is a major skill set that is key during the learning process of
dialogue such as:
Respect; this is the awareness of the integrity of the different
parties. This helps in the swiftness of the process.
Suspension; occurs when one suspends judgment, suspicion or
certainty of issues.
4. Humanity
It is a characteristic that portrays how people deal with each other when
they engage with each other in a dialogue. It requires people to have
empathy for each other and the situation. Empathy is the ability to
understand one's feelings given the available circumstances. When people
take strides to understand each other than the fruits of dialogue can be seen.
5. Long term perspective
Dialogue involves using time in a different way. This is when one realizes
that dialogue is not for a quick and easy fix. Significant changes in
relationships tend to take longer and are bound by a commitment from
involved parties. One-off interventions tend to have a low reputation in
dialoguing.
Advantages of Dialoguing
Dialogue is more important currently than ever because it has several
benefits in the current world. It does not serve its own function but also aids
in humans finding their purpose in this world. The benefits of dialogue can
be exceedingly great if the process is fruitful. These benefits of dialogue
include:
1. It helps build the society.
Through effective dialogue, members can easily share ideas and
information. This set of information can be vital in building and rebuilding
society. The information shared through dialogue can then be vital in the
development of the society and its members in general. Dialogue helps a
community to discuss all aspects of life affecting the community such as
social, economic, political and religious issues. Hence, conflicting parties
can think of different or solve conflicts. This helps in the building and
development of a great society.
2. It helps to create harmony
People are able to spread love to each other which is a great contributing
factor to society's development. People are confident with each other when
they are able to dialogue together. This forms a cushion of comfort between
two or more parties hence creating harmony. People can freely interact and
expose what they truly think or feel in a safe environment.
This act has been seen in various countries such as Bangladesh. Bangladesh
is a country of close to 160 million people. This country also has various
different minorities and diverse religious groups such as Christians,
Buddhists, and Muslims. Various social sets of people expose the country to
various forms of disagreements such as inter-religious conflicts or political
mayhem. Dialogues have helped create stability between these different sets
of groups thus leading to a realization of harmony in the country.
3. It is an effective way of communicating with family members
When parents decide to participate in conversations with their sons or
daughters, they get a chance to learn about both the negative and positive
aspects of themselves and their children. A next step can be undertaken in
changing the negative aspects of the family. A dialogue is very essential in
the development of an ideal family. This is further transverse to the
extended set of a family. Good clans that have stood for years have had
effective ways to dialogue between the members, thus creating a solid bond
between them.
Dr. John Gray recommends dialogue for couples with conflicting matters.
He further says controversies have a huge impact on the destruction of
people's emotional life. In such moments he warns partners in dispute on
turning to rage because it lowers both parties’ psych to solve the matter.
Turning to rage also can lead to the hurting of the couple’s feelings.
Therefore, a mutual dialogue is very essential in finding solutions since
both parties are able to stipulate what they want or need.
Calm expression of one’s feelings has a better way of building bridges
during rifts. Men and women generally are different in nature. The most
appropriate way to avoid controversies is by having a friendly
communication anchored on the dialogue between couples. This helps to
create respect between the conflicting parties. It reduces the chances of any
party getting humiliated and opens a door for understanding between
couples.
Dr. John advises the couples that they should leave behaviors that shutter
the possibilities of a successful dialogue. These behaviors include the start
of fighting and retribution, resulting in scars of the past or ignoring the
situations. When couples dialogue and listen to each other have a great
chance in overcoming their problems as pointed out by Richard Carlson.
4. It helps to achieve justice
Justice is the ability of people being fair and reasonable. It can be realized if
people sit down and listen to each others point of view. The parties
involved discuss the issue at stake or the problem at hand as the next step
after listening to each other. If there is an absence of effective dialogue, it
can result in a distorted form of justice. Hence, no justice will be served.
The dialogue process has been used by various social groups across the
world to achieve justice. These social groups include individuals,
organizations, communities or groups. The dialogue was used by one of the
greatest leaders known as Nelson Mandela. It was a tool that was used to
bring an end to an apartheid rule in South Africa. It brought two separate
parties together and justice was achieved through dialogue by both
communities.
5. It helps in the exchange of culture, experiences, and information
among people
Dialogue is an essential tool for breaking down barriers between different
groups in the world. Information can easily be learned and swiftly shared in
the presence of good dialogue. This positively helps people or societies to
advance and progress.
6. It helps the mind
The dialogue has a pivotal development of human insight and perception.
There are three aspects and they include:
First, Aspect
Dialogue has the ability to open up rough paths to find the truth.
There is not a single path to discovery of truth since there are
several paths. If a person is only clouded with his or her own path,
he or she is deprived of the truest path that leads to truth. People are
able to exchange insights through dialogue and the best ideas are
also crafted during the process.
Second Aspect
A dialogue help in sharpening the different ideas between different
parties. Exchange of ideas and dialogues helps to create a bridge
between rifting ideas. This can lead to different parties adopting
each other point of reasoning as sprouting ideas and evidence. This
helps to better their ideas and it helps to find an intercepting point
on parallel matters. This has seen several people describe to
dialogue as a medicine.
Third Aspect
Dialogue is so vital to the mind since it helps to deepen a person’s
thinking and perception of issues. The mind of a human being has
an ability to vary and change when it is aware of new things that are
of sense. It is made possible by the identification of fresh ideas that
seem to violate. It is also made possible by the identification of
different possessions and understanding of what the situation is
about.
Characteristics of Good Dialogue Participants
1. Humility
This is a great attribute in the world we live in. Good participants in a
dialogue are supposed to be humble. They are supposed to show empathy
for each other. This act is vital since each party is able to understand the
situation the different party is in. They can then get better solutions given
this understanding. Empathy is also followed by honesty. Speaking
sincerely through the challenges faced by the participants is able to find
solutions. Humility lowers ego and helps the parties understand each other.
2. Good communicator
Participants in dialogue should be people who can communicate well. This
transcends to good orators and masters of a common language between the
conflicting parties. Good communicators can be able to air out the
grievances in a clear and simple manner. Smallest words used in poor
contexts can affect the dialogue process. The dialogue process that has poor
communicators can lead to further destruction of relationships. However, if
handled well through good communication, they lead to the creation of
strong and deeper relationships between conflicting parties.
3. Flexible in thought
A good participant in dialogue has an ability to be able to handle dual
perspective. He or she is supposed to be able to keep his objective of the
matter intact but can still look at the issue through the other person’s view
of thought. This quality is important because one can able to find solutions
with deepened reasoning on the issue. Flexible thinking can be enhanced
by:
Change of context; a good communicator has to really understand
the context of the opposite party and understand the matter. Some
even go to the conflicting partners environment to gain experience.
Try something new; this is a point when a communicator in a
dialogue is open to new ideas and ready to try them. It is termed as
fluid intelligence and it aids the mind. This aided greatly by novelty
since it helps in mental development.
Question thoughts and words; one is supposed to be open to
criticize his or her own ideas or words as solutions are being sought
for. One is discouraged from clinging and getting attached to only
his or her way of reasoning. Also, he or she is encouraged to neglect
ideas that do not serve him or her and focus on productive thoughts
and work.
Plan to be spontaneous; good dialogue participants are supposed to
at least change the routine of things are supposed to be done and
incorporate new routines once in a while.
A mix up of thinking ways; communicators are supposed to invoke
creative thinking during dialogue. This leads to the innovation of
new ideas during the process of dialogue. The phenomenon comes
into existence after a long period of thinking and diffusing attention.
Mental flexibility cannot be described are whimsical or arbitrary. This is
because it is anchored on aspirations, goals, and equilibrium between
spontaneity and control. Mental agility helped dialogues to realize its goals
since ideas can be modified.
4. Good control of emotions
Emotions have a great impact on how dialoguing ends. There are moments
when one might feel attacked or misunderstood and ability to manage this
situation is important. Being emotionally aware helps one to understand
what he or she is troubled with, what troubles the other party, have a
maximum concentration on the dialogue process, express himself or herself
more clearly and influence the others.
Good communicators control their emotions in several ways. These ways
include:
Development of an emergency plan; this is a strategy that helps
them cool down in high emotion periods. Some heavily breathe in
and out while others take a break and walk, then come back to the
dialogues.
Shift focus; they ask different questions that in time tend to bring a
new perspective in the process of dialogue. This also tests other
people's assumptions within the process.
Diagnose on the reason why they are high on emotion; good
communicators are able to find out on the exact points why they
disappointed and then pinpoint a solution on how the situation can
be bettered.
5. Effective listeners
Good communicators are basically good listeners. This ability helps one to
understand and get the root cause of a problem. During dialoguing,
effective listening aid in making important solutions. Effective listeners
always do certain actions, while dialogue and they include the ability to
maintain good eye contact to get the nonverbal cues, do not fidget to keep
focus, asks questions to remain active in the dialogue process, engage the
other parties so as to get insight before commenting or giving solutions and
the do not use any electronics during negotiations.
One last thing…
We would love to hear your feedback about this book!
If you enjoyed this book or found it useful, we would be very grateful if
you posted a short review on Amazon. Your support does make a difference
and we read every review personally.
If you would like to leave a review, all you need to do is click the review
link on this book’s page on Amazon here (*Write a Review*).
Thank you for your support!